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  #1  
Old 22nd April 2019, 09:40
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

After some advice on the tricky situation. Part of the reason I avoid my other halfs family is that they have children. People do have a 6th sense and can detect our social anxiety, adults ignore it, children don't and it scares them.

Carefree happy children I can leave clinging to their parent's legs in fear without even opening my mouth which is what happened yesterday when I went to the in-laws for Sunday lunch, everyone see's it, everyone knows I can see it but no one will admit its happening, people feel embarrassed.

Long story short it's my daughter's first holy communion next week, I'm not Catholic but the Mrs is and its a big thing for Catholics especially in Ireland, it a massive party. The wife's brother has a child making theirs also so the wife thought it would be a good idea for a joint affair, I don't want to ruin the day for people, Yes I hate social situations, the wife used to say "Ah you'll be fine when you get their" she's now caught on that whether I am their 5 mins or 5 hours I will not enjoy it in the slightest, I sat by myself yesterday as per usual while everyone else chatted, I guess I come across as the leppar in the corner at these things. I told the wife yesterday on the way home it was not a good idea this holy communion, I can read her mind she thought the same but didn't want to hurt my feelings, its primarily an event for kids, all the extended family kids will be there and they are all shit scared off me, sure I've made efforts in the past but I may as well not have bothered, I actually think it scared them even more.

The funny thing is that my own kids think it's hilarious that all these other kids are scared of me.

Anyone else have this struggle with children or offer any advice?
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  #2  
Old 22nd April 2019, 10:14
Aelwyn Aelwyn is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

I don't have children and my only contact with them has been with my brother's children when they were growing up. So I'm not going to be the best person to give advice. Anyway, I found that children seemed to love attention, and they often seemed to like it when an adult took part in games with them - could you do anything like that? Hide and seek, a treasure hunt, board games? A very simple indoor game that seemed popular was picture consequences (you can google it), especially if each blank sheet has the name of a family member as its heading!

It's probably because you look tense and serious that children avoid you, maybe you could pay more attention to your body language, again you could google that, but I think it affects people more than you might imagine.
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  #3  
Old 22nd April 2019, 10:34
Percy Percy is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

The important thing to remember of course is that kids are often wary of strangers anyway, particularly the smaller ones. Also if you're more reserved they can pick up on that.

I think like Biscuits says, if you can, come down to their level and be a bit silly around them. Talk to them if you can and they'll soon see you aren't a threat. It also helps if you talk to their parents since that'll show them you aren't dangerous.

I used to be very nervous around kids, they scared me. It changed once my sister became a nanny to a local family and I, as a result, had regular contact with 3 little girls of toddler age and above. Once you get into the swing of it you realise there is nothing to fear.
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Old 22nd April 2019, 16:22
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

I wouldn't say I fear children, a good way of putting it is "Children are like farts, you love your own but don't care for other peoples"
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Old 22nd April 2019, 16:30
Percy Percy is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dave81uk
I wouldn't say I fear children, a good way of putting it is "Children are like farts, you love your own but don't care for other peoples"
Is it possible that you're presenting yourself in that way? In other words that you can't stand other peoples kids?

If you're coming across a bit grumpy or unfriendly that might be why they don't respond well to you.
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  #6  
Old 22nd April 2019, 16:36
AireleeBray AireleeBray is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

what others have said is all good.
my children are very stand offish to adults even in our family unless the adult gives them some attention & plays with them.
whacking a balloon about is a good option especially as you dont have to leave your chair
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  #7  
Old 22nd April 2019, 16:37
Seagull Seagull is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

Totally relate Dave, I had a total headf**k moment at my daughter's junior school many years ago, when I was in a classroom for an open evening, standing by one of my daughter's friends (8 years old), who I hadn't spent much time around and she turned to me and said "You're different" which I found quite devastating as I'd always felt I'd done a reasonable job of concealing my SA and it was a non-worldly 8 year old seeing right through me in such a scarily mature and perceptive way. Inevitably I went home that evening and proceeded to spend the next 14 years (my daughter's 22 now) ruminating on the comment.
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Old 22nd April 2019, 16:37
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Percy
Is it possible that you're presenting yourself in that way? In other words that you can't stand other peoples kids?

If you're coming across a bit grumpy or unfriendly that might be why they don't respond well to you.
Its a bit like the chicken and egg, what came first, do they dislike me because I come across as unfriendly or do I come across as unfriendly because they dislike me?
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  #9  
Old 22nd April 2019, 16:39
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seagull
Totally relate Dave, I had a total headf**k moment at my daughter's junior school many years ago, when I was in a classroom for an open evening, standing by one of my daughter's friends (8 years old), who I hadn't spent much time around and she turned to me and said "You're different" which I found quite devastating as I'd always felt I'd done a reasonable job of concealing my SA and it was a non-worldly 8 year old seeing right through me in such a scarily mature and perceptive way. Inevitably I went home that evening and proceeded to spend the next 14 years (my daughter's 22 now) ruminating on the comment.
Oh children see our awkwardness straight away, Its like they just sense it.
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  #10  
Old 22nd April 2019, 16:46
Seagull Seagull is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dave81uk
Oh children see our awkwardness straight away, Its like they just sense it.
Sure, and as with anything SA it's more shades of grey than the black and white shitemare we can tend to filter situations as being and I'm sure you do better than you give yourself credit for. As you say, it's also potentially chicken and egg.
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  #11  
Old 22nd April 2019, 16:50
sophie123 sophie123 is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

Children love me because I play with them I enjoy playing with them and it gets me out off talking to the adults.
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  #12  
Old 22nd April 2019, 21:57
Captain Nemo Captain Nemo is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

I have this problem, specifically with my young cousins. Until one day when we were starting to get along better, the eldest said to me 'I've always been a bit afraid of you' - kind of gutting, but then I am very uncomfortable in sitations around the extended family. So I shouldn't have been surprised.

Some people have a social ease around children, but I just don't have that. Even when it's something as simple as kicking a ball about, I never know what to say, and there's definite awkwardness.

In hindsight, it probably wasn't worth worrying about.
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  #13  
Old 23rd April 2019, 05:57
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Captain Nemo
I have this problem, specifically with my young cousins. Until one day when we were starting to get along better, the eldest said to me 'I've always been a bit afraid of you' - kind of gutting, but then I am very uncomfortable in sitations around the extended family. So I shouldn't have been surprised.

Some people have a social ease around children, but I just don't have that. Even when it's something as simple as kicking a ball about, I never know what to say, and there's definite awkwardness.

In hindsight, it probably wasn't worth worrying about.
Yes you maybe on to something. There is nothing I find more uncomfortable to be honest than extended family situations. I've had these kids around my home, yes bit nervous at the start, most kids are but they come around in the end. They are clearly picking up my nervousness of the situation.
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  #14  
Old 23rd April 2019, 10:39
anewyear anewyear is offline
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Default Re: Children are scared of me, Awkward situation advice please?

Kids up to say 10 are generally pretty much "take as they find". If you bat a balloon or roll a ball their direction then they usually have a natural inclination to roll it back particularly if it comes with a smile.. It does need eye contact so they know it's deliberate. If they do, that's the start of a game. If they don't.. nothing lost, it probably wasn't even noticed by others. If the ball gets rolled back then return it with a slightly bigger smile or slightly funny face to escalate the game. After a couple of rounds they'll take the initiative.
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