"Party"

[Sphinx]

Didn't really want to post this here but there is noone I can talk to. I'm supposed to be going to my partners family party on saturday, but I've come to the realisation that I can't do it.

Haven't been to any large gatherings for over 2 years and the thought of going is making me ill. I feel like I need to take smaller steps before I could do this, such as starting my volunteering, going to support groups etc. As currently I have been very isolated for a long time, so it would be too much for me.

It's so crushing because I know I can't go on like this, as I also avoided going to my partners stepdads funeral for the same reasons, I feel like a terrible person. How can I put my own selfish feelings over someone elses grief? How can it possibly compare?

I'm in such a bad place because I know I need to start doing things, but the anxiety consumes me and I feel like I want to die. I don't actually want to die, but it also feels intolerable to carry on like I am. It's like I'm trapped in some kind of hell.

I know for a fact if I don't go to this party his mum will be annoyed, which makes it worse because she's given me her things to sell online recently so that I can make some money. Even after all this I still know that I can't go.

My partner is supposed to be taking photos on the night so he would have to keep on leaving me alone with everyone while he does it. Not going also forces him to drive back down country lanes in the dark on his own.

Even after all this I know that I can't do it. My excuses for telling his family include, I've had a death in my family, I'm ill, also considering hurting myself so I can't go. Whatever excuse I do choose it's just going to seem like bull**** because I always miss these gatherings.

I can't face all of the questions about what I'm doing as I'm doing nothing, what am I supposed to say? I would just be sitting there mute all night like a freak. I can't stand the stupid comments about how shy I am, I can't stand it.

Although I think my partner would be relatively understanding, I'm still scared that if I keep pushing he will have had enough.

I'm not sure what kind of answers I want from people, what excuses can I make? Am I an awful person?

[Scentless]

No you are not an awful person .

It is the anxiety that is making you want to avoid this, not the true you. Its important to remember that if you didn't have this condition I'm sure you would want to go.

Only you can judge if it is a too big step for you to take at the moment although it sounds like it might be. If you don't go, what you need to do is use how you are feeling now as motivation to get better. To do the small steps you say like volunteering, joining a support group etc. which will improve your confidence so next time a similar thing comes up you can go and have things to talk about.

Is a tricky one with your partner. Hopefully he will understand if you tell him but make sure you let him know that you are working on getting better so it won't always be like it this.

[Sphinx]

Thankyou for your reply, I do feel like it is too much for me at the moment when I have other things that I have to face looming on the horizon. I am not looking forward to talking to my partner about it all

I wish I could be the normal happy sociable girlfriend with lots going for her. I just can't talk to people at the moment and it makes me feel awful.

I suppose if I am going to not go I have to accept that people might be mad at me and gossip about me etc. In a way I would rather that than have to suffer this crap.

[951thompson]

Originally Posted by Beck

Thankyou for your reply, I do feel like it is too much for me at the moment when I have other things that I have to face looming on the horizon. I am not looking forward to talking to my partner about it all

I wish I could be the normal happy sociable girlfriend with lots going for her. I just can't talk to people at the moment and it makes me feel awful.

I suppose if I am going to not go I have to accept that people might be mad at me and gossip about me etc. In a way I would rather that than have to suffer this crap.

hiya beck, have a look at my info in the recovery area of the forum, its only a ten min read i think you may find it helpful

[Sphinx]

Thanks it is a very useful booklet.

It's so hard putting it all into practice. I don't know where people find the strength.

[Aelwyn]

Hi Beck - could you get some medication from your GP to see you through this kind of thing? I mean something that you would only take for particularly stressful events like this. I think it's worth asking.

[Scentless]

Originally Posted by Beck

Thankyou for your reply, I do feel like it is too much for me at the moment when I have other things that I have to face looming on the horizon. I am not looking forward to talking to my partner about it all

I wish I could be the normal happy sociable girlfriend with lots going for her. I just can't talk to people at the moment and it makes me feel awful.

I suppose if I am going to not go I have to accept that people might be mad at me and gossip about me etc. In a way I would rather that than have to suffer this crap.

You can be that person . Don't beat yourself up about it because it doesn't happen overnight. Just keep on making small steps and as long as you keep trying you'll get there. The only way you can fail is if you give up.

Try not to think about what everyone else will be thinking. On the day make sure you plan to do something so your not thinking about it to much.
In my experience people soon forget and will be happy when they see you at the next party.