Getting a second date...

[The Chosen One]

OK so I feel I have trouble with getting second dates with women. I have been using online dating for the past few years and that is the only way I have met women "romantically"

I just cannot seem to get past the first date. The only times I have met someone past the first date did turn into relationships and I have been single for almost 3 years. Ive had 1 women who did say she would like to meet again but she messed me around in the end. The other times, I have not heard back from them or they would mention I am not their type or the spark is not there. I do not know if they mean this physically or personality.

And here is the problem. I have 2 dates coming up (another as well but to be confirmed), but I am speaking to a couple of other women as well, so it could turn into more. I have no idea why women are suddenly replying back to my emails, but I am not complaining

Obviously it would be nice to actually move things onto a second date. I dont know why I am letting myself down. Maybe I am not as attractive as my pictures are, maybe I look older, maybe I am not as interesting and possibly boring in person? Or I am nervous when speaking to new people (which I think is possible).

So what steps could I do to make sure my dates go well and they would be interested in meeting again? Ive always blamed myself for this, but maybe some things cannot be changed?

[Pandapop]

Where do you normally go on your first dates?

[SoulSeeker]

I'd be interested to hear some ideas about this. The lass I've just met wants to meet me again..but there is no real excitement there. She said she is not the one to fall in love at first sight (which is understandable) and that she would like to meet a few more times and see where it goes.

I guess thats the way online dating works? Three things can happen..you either hit it off instantly and are all over each other with txts and stuff after the very first date or you are sort of neutral and would like to meet again to see where it goes or you don't get on at all and never see each other again. Is this correct thinking? I guess what im trying to say is you dont always have to hit it off instantly in that first date..yet you can still have success down the line with that same person?..is that possible?

Anyways yeah. I reckon the reason why things don't go very far for me is a mix of personality (boring) and looks. I hate being boring and want to change it soo badly...but I dont really know how to go about it. It kills me to think im dull :/ If I was interetsing it would make up for my looks (if that was a problem to some women).

[The Chosen One]

Originally Posted by Pandapop

Where do you normally go on your first dates?

Mostly to a quiet bar/pub (no dinner but maybe a little bite to eat). But with the summer coming up, it would be nice to try something different. Like going for a walk in Covent Gardens, maybe even a theme park. Nothing too grand.

[Pandapop]

Originally Posted by The Chosen One

Mostly to a quiet bar/pub (no dinner but maybe a little bite to eat). But with the summer coming up, it would be nice to try something different. Like going for a walk in Covent Gardens, maybe even a theme park. Nothing too grand.

Yeah see i think you should switch that up, whether a zoo, a theme park, a museum (they are free after all) or just doing something more practical that doesn't involve sitting around i always feel they are the best dates.

I think walking around dates give you less boundaries, and you can flirt more (thats what i always find) and they leave more of an impression because spending a day at the zoo or something would be way more fun than a drink because you can actually talk/be excited about what your doing.

[The Chosen One]

Yeah I would be more happy to do something fun like that. But that cant be the only reason why I cannot seem to progress further than meeting up once.

[pinkwafer]

I'd say just be yourself, and do something you enjoy.

Like... if you hate films, why go to the cinema just to impress the woman?

It's hard to find someone who likes you, and who you like, so I wouldn't be put off by these negative responses

[The Chosen One]

Is it wrong to blame myself all the time for this

[The Chosen One]

Yeah maybe I need to relax more , but that does not come easily to me. I feel like I've become "that guy who is always single "

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by The Chosen One

Obviously it would be nice to actually move things onto a second date. I dont know why I am letting myself down. Maybe I am not as attractive as my pictures are, maybe I look older, maybe I am not as interesting and possibly boring in person? Or I am nervous when speaking to new people (which I think is possible).

So what steps could I do to make sure my dates go well and they would be interested in meeting again? Ive always blamed myself for this, but maybe some things cannot be changed?

Personally I think it's this. I don't know if people realise what a dramatic effect it can have. Watch this youtube clip of an episode of 'Dating in the Dark'. The woman is pretty attractive, the guy is more average, a little bit overweight even, but the woman is not put off by his looks at all. In fact when she sees him for the first time she seems happy enough. That changes quite quickly because of his nervousness though. Now I know not all women are put off by nerves but quite a few are.

[Defiance]

hmmm

i'm watching some of the UK version of this on youtube now...

[The Chosen One]

Well I cant really use alcohol to make me less nervous

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by The Chosen One

Well I cant really use alcohol to make me less nervous

who mentioned alcohol?

[The Chosen One]

No one mentioned alcohol, but I know some people would mention it as alcohol is supposidly a stress reliever.

[Defiance]

I'm surprised no one has mentioned rohypnol..

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by Defiance

I'm surprised no one has mentioned rohypnol..

It works but it's only a short term solution as I find they tend to get quite
stressed when they come round

[AxelFendersson]

^^ Maybe they had better taste than that?

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by AxelFendersson

^^ Maybe they had better taste than that?

I think the problem is modern women are far too fussy. I'm kind and gentle, I am very careful not to leave any marks or bruise them where am I going wrong?

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by diplodocus

I think the problem is modern women are far too fussy. I'm kind and gentle, I am very careful not to leave any marks or bruise them where am I going wrong?

lol. looking at the posting times i think he was probably talking to me.



as for my post, let me tell you. i actually held back on that joke and would have gone a bit further had it not been nrtheone

[AxelFendersson]

Originally Posted by Defiance

lol. looking at the posting times i think he was probably talking to me.

Yup, hence my swift edit to use two ^ signs rather than one.

Other people are welcome to respond if they wish though.

[The Chosen One]

The lady who I have a date with next Wednesday is back tomorro from her 3 week holiday in china (lucky her!)

Yes we did arrange the date before she went and she even text me there a couple of days in . So I'll give her a call on the weekend just so she has not forgot

I just don't want to be nervous on dates or do something stupid . I want it to go well, but I think most of my previous ones have gone well - but obviously not the other person because the "spark" is not there. I definitely think the first date is the toughest and from the second it should be easier , though with a lot of competition this is still hard .

I've had a fear of having dates cancelled (from experience ).

When I find this spark I'm going to give it a spanking for deserting me for so long

[The Chosen One]

Also I wonder if I should compliment the lady more on a date? Ive never really done that before. I wouldnt say I am a cold person emotionally but I dont give out compliments like anything. But maybe some compliments here and there might help, just to make her feel special?

Possibly to make up for my fliriting because I do not know how to flirt. But having said that, in the past a few years ago I had a little more success.

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by The Chosen One

Also I wonder if I should compliment the lady more on a date?

The Chosen One: Nice dress.

Lady: why thankyou

The Chosen One: but it would look much better on my bedroom floor. boom, boom!















go on man. I dare ya! :P

[The Chosen One]

Originally Posted by Diablo Loco

Eye contact, smile and "you look nice". If you've seen a pic of her, this will be genuine. Good luck mate

You see I will plan on that when I first see her, but Im also asking about during the date as well

[GoldFish]

Originally Posted by diplodocus

Personally I think it's this. I don't know if people realise what a dramatic effect it can have. Watch this youtube clip of an episode of 'Dating in the Dark'. The woman is pretty attractive, the guy is more average, a little bit overweight even, but the woman is not put off by his looks at all. In fact when she sees him for the first time she seems happy enough. That changes quite quickly because of his nervousness though. Now I know not all women are put off by nerves but quite a few are.

a few points..

the guy in the clip has a solid build though, he sort of looks like a gym regular who is a business director, girls like that..imagine how hard it is if you're a slim nerdy looking guy.

secondly girls who are put off from nervousness are superficial and dull..

[The Chosen One]

Well for those who did not know I went on a date on Wednesday it went really well and we had a great time . We kissed and she said she would be in touch .

I phoned her yesterday , had a very brief chat and we both said we had a great time and we should do it again . We are meeting again next Thursday (second date wahey!) and again she said see you then but she said we will talk before then .

Today she text me wishing me well on my last day at work before my travels and to enjoy my leaving drinks!

Inspite of all this I still don't feel 100% about her interest in me. This is where my low self esteem affects me. She could always change her mind about next week or stop talking to me.The kiss could have just been friendly in her eyes .

And even worse I cannot pin point what I did right on the date , compared to my previous dates so I could easily screw up on the next one

[Johnni]

Originally Posted by The Chosen One

Inspite of all this I still don't feel 100% about her interest in me. This is where my low self esteem affects me. She could always change her mind about next week or stop talking to me.The kiss could have just been friendly in her eyes .

And even worse I cannot pin point what I did right on the date , compared to my previous dates so I could easily screw up on the next one

You need to stop over analysing and beating yourself up about things like this. Try and not even think about the date that much and put it out of your mind maybe. Take every date as it comes rather than linger on the last one as you may find your anxiety carries over into the date too much over analysing they way you and she acts.

[Dodgetimmy]

What you did right?

Does being yourself count?

Also, was it a kiss kiss..or just a kiss?

Try to see it as an opportunity to have fun, friends or more as long as you have a good time, the rest will take its course.

As for feeling bad about yourself, you have already done more than I can or most people registered here, so give yourself a pat on the back for being a strong character.

Down the line, if you guys do end up hook up and you are honest about your problems with her, she will probably appreciate what you have done even more.

Congratz on the second date

[Defiance]

right. having got back from the worst date ever yesterday, i can offer some constructive advice.



don't misrepresent yourself to the other party. you will leave them feeling cheated. there's a differance between putting your best foot forward and out and out deception. make sure the pic actually resembles you and that the picture includes more than a headshot of you at a very flattering angle.

do not accuse your date by text of taking a look at you and then fleeing if he can't find you. this shows me you have very low self esteem and is not a great start to the date. If you have low self esteem then this is something to either hint at before you have actually met, or after you have met a few times. springing your low self esteem on an unsuspecting date is not the way to go about things.

do not act in a hostile aloof manor and give one word answers to conversation starters no matter how nervous you might be. yes, you will probably be battling anxiety but you've got to consider how you are coming accross to the other person.

do not constantly be texting and talking on the phone to your mates throughout the date. it is incredibility rude. and for the love of god do not give your mate directions to the date and then go off talking with her for a while. again, incredibility rude.


try to make eye contact!,
It is very unappealing if someone cannot look you in the eye at all and is constantly looking to the floor throughout the entire date.


dont slag off your dates home town. if someone has travelled a long way and spent a lot of money to come and see you don't start saying bad things about where they are from and giving the impression you would never go visit them in their town. by doing this you are basically telling your date that you expect him/her to come down and see you each and every time.




and dont expect the other person to want to see you again if you have made multiple mistakes like these.

hope this advice will be of use to some people.

[Dodgetimmy]

Originally Posted by Defiance

right. having got back from the worst date ever yesterday, i can offer some constructive advice.



don't misrepresent yourself to the other party. you will leave them feeling cheated. there's a differance between putting your best foot forward and out and out deception. make sure the pic actually resembles you and that the picture includes more than a headshot of you at a very flattering angle.

do not accuse your date by text of taking a look at you and then fleeing if he can't find you. this shows me you have very low self esteem and is not a great start to the date. If you have low self esteem then this is something to either hint at before you have actually met, or after you have met a few times. springing your low self esteem on an unsuspecting date is not the way to go about things.

do not act in a hostile aloof manor and give one word answers to conversation starters no matter how nervous you might be. yes, you will probably be battling anxiety but you've got to consider how you are coming accross to the other person.

do not constantly be texting and talking on the phone to your mates throughout the date. it is incredibility rude. and for the love of god do not give your mate directions to the date and then go off talking with her for a while. again, incredibility rude.


try to make eye contact!,
It is very unappealing if someone cannot look you in the eye at all and is constantly looking to the floor throughout the entire date.


dont slag off your dates home town. if someone has travelled a long way and spent a lot of money to come and see you don't start saying bad things about where they are from and giving the impression you would never go visit them in their town. by doing this you are basically telling your date that you expect him/her to come down and see you each and every time.




and dont expect the other person to want to see you again if you have made multiple mistakes like these.

hope this advice will be of use to some people.

Ouch...sounds a bitch of a date, but good advice.

Originally Posted by Mazuru

Getting a second date is all about planning. Comfort should be your first priority on a first date, How you set that up is just experience being comfortable with yourself around women and being relaxed, The best way to build comfort with a female is not taking yourself too serious and just being a bit of a joker.

Once a girl feels comfortable with you there body language will be alot more sexually passive and they'll be alot more open with you, That's when you need to start building sexual tension. If you do it before they are comfortable they will get defencive and feel uncomfortable and you won't be getting a second date. If you never build sexual tension they'll think your boring and you won't get a second date.

Building sexual tension is hard and requires quite alot of confidence/experience, The problem with women is if you do it verbally they think your just a sex pest or weirdo unless your very attractive/confident and can pull it off in a sexy way.

You have to build sexual attraction non-verbally and make the girl think it's her that's thinking about sex and not you. Start talking alot slower and smoother , Maintain strong eye contact and look at her lips now and then and just create alot of sexual tension that's why a girl needs to be comfortable with you first.

If your really confident you can whisper something in a girl's ear but on the way make it look like your going in for a kiss by turning your head to the side, It doesn't have to be obvious just really subtle works, In her mind she'll be thinking about kissing you and because it was her that thought about it and not you mentioning it too her she'll have no choice but to accept she's attracted to you. It sounds bad and manipulative but that's just how it works.

Once you've got comfort and start building sexual tension the girls body will shift and face yours, She'll turn her head to the side when u talk , she'll touch her neck and play with her hair, she'll start touching your knee or arms and give you all kinds of signs that she's attracted to you, That's when you need to go in for the kiss, If a girl gives you signs all night and you don't act its very bad.

That's pretty much all there is too it, Don't give them many if any compliments untill you've kissed or there's enough sexual tension, Never sell yourself and just be passionate when you talk about the things you enjoy. And ask questions, If a girl tells you something about herself never give a one word reply and start talking about yourself, Be interested in what she says and ask her questions about it that will make her like you alot and she'll be really comfortable talking to you.

Seems as if you have been doing your research, or have become an expert womaniser! It is great to think of all these things if you can while maintaining a level of composure, but ultimately I think the most important thing is to be yourself. One thing I do think is important is to try to be quirky and funny. Girls always seem to love a guy with a good sense of humor.