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Old 11th January 2019, 17:49
Jimmy77 Jimmy77 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 86
Default Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

Sometimes this scares me. I never really wanted kids, and now that I'm in my 40s and still crippled with SA it seems unlikely. But there are times when I regret it. Above all, I feel scared. This christmas really brought it home to me that I'm alone! All those Facebook images of old schoolfriends surrounded by beaming kids opening their presents got to me. It never has before. When I'm old there will be no one there for me, no one to come to the doctors with me, no one to hold my hand when I feel scared, no one to push my wheelchair. I've seen very old people who are completely isolated and it's awful. I know of elderly people who literally spend their entire life staring at the walls of their bedroom. A carer will pop in for an hour, but apart from that no one cares what happens to them (and some of the carers are awful - stealing stuff out of the fridge, not doing their job properly, etc; obviously they aren't all like that, but I know for a fact that many are). Maybe it's to do with hitting my 40s. All of a sudden, ageing seems real.
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Old 11th January 2019, 19:04
Dougella Dougella is offline
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 6,207


Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

I think, as has been said in threads before here, having children doesn't guarantee that they'll be there to help care for you when you get older. People don't always get on, some people move to other countries or just far away enough that they can rarely visit.
One of my siblings has moved to Canada. I'm sure if anything happened with either of my parents or when they get more elderly he'd come home to visit but he couldn't be involved in day to day care.

One of my relatives finds hospitals and illness really difficult to deal with and they couldn't stay with their parent at the end of their life or sit by their bedside in the hospital, luckily they have siblings who did but what if they were an only child. I just don't think it's as simplistic as most people who have children will be looked after by them.
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Old 11th January 2019, 20:01
Indigo_ Indigo_ is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Cheshire
Posts: 18,692
Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

I imagine I will feel regret if I don't have children. But my reasoning for having children wouldn't be so they could care for me in my old age. My parents are in their 60s now and caring for my grandad who is in his 90s and it's putting an awful amount of pressure and worry on them. I wouldn't want that for my children.
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Old 11th January 2019, 20:02
HermannHesse HermannHesse is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 93
Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

There are many many things I regret (that statement covers 95% of my life) - speminating a child into existence is not one of them.

I will be floating in a lake long, long before I have to swap boxers for adult nappies so having someone to "care for me" in older life is an irrelevancy.
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Old 11th January 2019, 20:13
Schmosby Schmosby is online now
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London
Posts: 2,778
Blog Entries: 1


Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

I have no kids as far as I am aware and I feel happy about that. Given the state of this world and that we are slaves, I feel I have done the best by them.
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Old 11th January 2019, 20:15
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: near Bolsover, Derbyshire
Posts: 660
Blog Entries: 12
Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

I have had times when I've thought that I would have liked to have had children, but when I was younger I didn't want them and then the issue is finding a partner to have them with who's likely to stay around - as the longest relationship I've ever managed is four years, it seems I wouldn't have found that person.

Once I reached 50, I'd decided it was too late and now it would be too much of an impact on the lifestyle I've built for myself. I've never thought about needing to be looked after in old age, if it came to it, I'd be quite happy to go into a home (I have a vision of myself as an octogenarian lothario, like Basil in Waiting For God, if anyone remembers that?). However, my parents cared for my bedridden grandmother during her last years and I looked after my father for the last decade of his life, so if I had had children, there is a family tradition.

In short, I don't regret not having had children but in different circumstances, I might have liked to.
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Old 11th January 2019, 20:41
Moksha Moksha is offline
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Colchester in Essex
Posts: 2,579
Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I could have written that post word for word. I'm 42 now and always assumed that I'd end up having kids. I saw my grandparents during their final years, and it was horrific. Both suffered so, so much, trapped in a dark little bungalow crippled with physical and mental illness. If it hadn't been for my mother, I don't know what would have happened to them (the doctors were pretty callous and the carers were useless - and untrustworthy).

Whenever this subject comes up, people always say two things. First "oh, well, children don't always stand by their kids - many emigrate or abandon them altogether," which just isn't true in the majority of cases. Most children whose parents were good and loving will stand by them in old age. Yes, sometimes they bugger off to Australia, or whatever, but those are the exceptions rather than the rule. Second, "I'm going to kill myself when I reach that stage anyway." But there is a big difference between saying this and actually doing it.

Still, the future won't be like the present. I'll be 83 in 2060 (same age as my uncle is now, and he's in pretty good shape). By 2060, medicine will have moved on. According to the experts, we should have all sorts of miraculous new medicines to slow and even reverse ageing (Yuval Harari thinks this will be the great quest or project of the 21st-century). Of course, overpopulation, climate change and nuclear war may destroy our civilization before then, but in that case I'll be relieved not to have kids.
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Old 11th January 2019, 21:18
Toxic Toxic is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: East Yorkshire
Posts: 7,314
Blog Entries: 3


Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

Our little family is currently going through the process of my gran dying (theres nothing that can be done, its just morphine to keep her comfortable till she passes any day now) She had 3 kids (one of which being my mum) They are all taking it in turns to be with her while shes laid there..shes doesn't have a clue as shes out of it pretty much 24/7 but I suppose its nice shes always got someone nearby even if shes unaware.

Freaks me out I've got this to deal with with my parents who are already closer to 70 than 60..I'm an only child so I've got no one to share the stress with.

I suppose at least I won't be putting any child through this! (if they hung around) as I have no interest in having them...the whole aging thing started freaking me out when I hit 30, I don't know what the hell I'll do when I hit 40!

I'm not bothered I don't/won't be having kids..but I am worried about being completely alone I think
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Old 11th January 2019, 23:03
Vasco Da Gama Vasco Da Gama is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Strathclyde
Posts: 5,437


Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

There's always kids, tons of them, many looking for parents,
Have you thought about adoption, or is this more about your personal feelings?

There's also things like befriending, where you take someone in need under your wing,
A friend often recommended this to me, as I think with SA you can often feel a big paternal or maternal gap in your life if you've stayed single,..

I do know there is no shortage of young people needing, parents, mentors or friends to help them along in life,..
Could be worth looking into?

I was very close to my niece for a number of years, taking her out places every weekend and looking after her in the evening's sometimes, it was always like a breath of fresh air, and it helped us both tremendously,
I remember those times very fondly, and was surprised how much I had to give,
We can be guilty of writing ourselves off as people, but children can give you faith in yourself again, and can make you aware of strengths you never appreciated or knew you had
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Old 12th January 2019, 13:39
tatzelwurm tatzelwurm is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Manchester
Posts: 515
Blog Entries: 3


Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

Growing old without children does scare me, but I don't regret not having them as thus far I've never wanted them. To know that and have them anyway as a kind of insurance, I don't think I could forgive myself for. I guess one thing for me to start doing is using that fear to research and plan as best as I can while still youngish and healthy. And I think as a culture with less and less people having kids we might need to start talking more about how we want to deal with this stuff, and potentially come up with different solutions.

^I really like those ideas. Even though I don't want to be a parent I still think making connections and mutual support between older and younger generations is really important. Though obviously SA makes that tough sometimes.
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