Do you have a fear of being seen as boring?

[Amara 94]

I just went to an autistic meetup and I didn’t contribute much as usual because of fear of being judged but also because of I didn’t know exactly how to respond then and there. I would hold back when contributing. I think I feel the same way contributing in uni classes.

It just made me come to this realisation I have a fear of being seen as boring.

Then on the tube on the way home I noticed that disapproval probably drives the feeling or sense that no one really wants to hear what I say in an indirect way. Throughout my life I have been told to calm down or relax, or that I look sad, even when I’m not really sad. On the tube train I feel I was comfortable enough, I rarely am, to not look at my phone. The person sitting opposite closed his eyes, probably because I come across as anxious or something. I have learnt to associate looking anxious with the wrong way to be like it isn’t alright.

I guess maybe I also associate being seen as boring as communicating in the wrong way.

The current chef at my job says that I always smile though. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was neurodivergent and I think maybe I smile at my workplace because it’s a masking behaviour but in a setting where I’m still anxious but not as anxious as in the public.

[biscuits]

The best thing to do is to challenge those thoughts that hold you back from contributing in the autism group. By that I mean seeing how people respond to the things you fear being judged about. I often find that if I share something other people feel a little relived that they can also share something similar - not always of course. But I think it's important to see people's reactions because it can lead to acceptance or validation as well. It's also a good way to learn to react to or internally deal with judgement. I like learning that I'm wrong about my worries and learning how to deal with my worries being accurate.

I'm not too fussed if others find me boring that's up to them.

[billy_brown]

^^Growing up, being called boring was the insult that cut the deepest. I think boring gets used as shorthand for quiet most of the time, which is not the same; in that context the person calling someone else boring is expecting to be entertained, which puts all the conversational weight on the other person. Sometimes you might end up in conversation with someone you don't have much in common with, which can be a bit boring. But that's ok. Just don't call them boring to their face, that's just rude, which is much worse than being boring. It's ok to be bored, just don't use it as a stick to beat other people with.


When I think of being genuinely bored of someone's company, I think of my uncle in law. Coaches. Every conversation came back to coaches. Driving coaches. Making models of coaches. Photographs of coaches. Routes. The kind of weaponised boredom where the other person doesn't care whether you're interested in the subject and just wants to selfishly indulge themselves. A horrible man.



^ Yes, this makes me think of CBT and challenging untested preconceptions we might have. I find sharing things in this way really hard, even though I know it works in practice. The kind of conversations that have really stayed with me and worked to reduce the separation I feel from other people have started quite small. Usually conversations at work. Low stakes, casual chat where I don't have time to put up the usual barriers. Just opening the door a bit to how you feel in a certain situation can encourage other people to reciprocate.
I find myself a bit jaded about therapy and self improvement these days. The things that I think back to that have really helped are conversations where I'm opening up a to someone a bit and seeing how it goes. I'm not very brave about this stuff, the instances I'm thinking of are months, years apart, but it's worth it more often than not, and something we should do more of when we get the chance.

[Hopeforme]

Yes, I feel like I have to be entertaining or interesting or never create a bad impression.

[Amara 94]

Originally Posted by billy_brown

When I think of being genuinely bored of someone's company, I think of my uncle in law. Coaches. Every conversation came back to coaches. Driving coaches. Making models of coaches. Photographs of coaches. Routes. The kind of weaponised boredom where the other person doesn't care whether you're interested in the subject and just wants to selfishly indulge themselves. A horrible man.

Is he autistic?

I think maybe fear of being boring is based on the meaning given to the label and life experience. For example, if you feel genuinely accepted by some people, even if it isn't everyone, I imagine the label matters less than if you don't truly feel accepted by most people and this is sometimes reinforced by ghosting, the roles you may play in friendships that may be unequal in terms of sharing and listening.

Tbh, that meetup was good in some ways. I found it interesting. I didn't get weird looks or offered coaching, this actually happened in a Social anxiety self help group that I use to go to. And it was an Autistic group for Black people, I think that was good for me because although I live around other Black people I don't interact with many people, even Black people, so feel different and very anxious about that. They talked about intersectionality and stuff. So the meetup meant I was around some Black people that I felt were in some ways similar to me though it was mostly women that attended.

[billy_brown]

Originally Posted by Amara 94

Is he autistic?

I'd never considered that before you mentioned it. But no, he's a wrong 'un in lots of ways, haven't seen him for years. The group sounds like a good experience. I'm reading about intersectionality now.

^^ Yeah, I find it's an insidious thought to keep in your head, a lot of pressure to put on yourself. Conversation is a two way street, it shouldn't feel as pressured as a job interview every time you meet someone new.

[Detox]

I probably would seem quite boring to most people as I don't really like the 'usual' stuff.
I don't drink, don't like sports, don't go out and most of my time seems to be just browsing the internet and watching Youtube videos.
I would do other things such as board games or what not with other people but I just don't have anyone to do them with, let alone anyone near me.

It would be nice if I could like or enjoy the usual things people do, but it's just rather dull I find.

[BFG_]

I like being boring my goal is to eventually morph into Roy cropper I'm going to buy a morris minor traveller and a wheely shopping bag. I'd rather be boring than be one of these vacuous love island towie twats.

[anxiouslondoner]

I just try to own my boringness these days. I'm not here to keep you entertained, I have my life and I'm happy to spend it in the company of people who appreciate me being the way I am.
You might think I have no life. I do, but it's my own, it revolves around the people and things that matter to me. The rest is just noise.

[Chess&Junkfood]

I think everyone is interesting! Which is a sugary sweet opinion. It's like my persona. Which to me is like a sugary dessert! There's nothing wrong with having a sugary dessert persona, but it's also nice when someone has a main course persona. Or even a starters persona. Which makes for an interesting life buffet!

Goddamn, this shandy is strong tonight!

[choirgirl]

I don't have the mental space to worry about it, but if I want to meet new people, yes it's going to be a problem. I will have to become unboring again.