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  #1  
Old 29th February 2012, 02:34
fallingstar89 fallingstar89 is offline
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Default Lost in life - the beginnings

Hi guys and girls,


I am new here and just wanted to share my story, I am not looking for sympathy or attention, I just feel maybe someone can identify with my story.

I am 22/male who has not been diagnosed with s.a but i can relate to alot of the symptoms such as, heart rate increasing, negative thoughts, sweating, hands and lips shaking, stuttering, twitches and mind going blank.

As far back as i can remember i have suffered from s.a but only have realised within the last 2years. As a youngster i was very confident, funny, cheeky active, violent when angry, nervous sometimes, far from shy but a little sensitive, moaned a little bit more than most children but was very caring, kind and sharing.

When i look back at my childhood memories the majority are negative ones, I had a very tough upbringing never being settled due to my mother, a single parent, being a bit of a loose cannon. I was constantly moving from place to place always making new friends then having to leave them when moving house.

Also used to wet the bed and tried to hid the fact i did by trying almost everything to cover it up...MOSTLY FAILED most of the TIME...Even wet some of my friends beds when havin sleepovers 8(

I believe my anxiety comes from a fear of being judged especially by good looking females.

When i was in primary school i ran away from alot of situations where people found out i fancied someone and would deny it. The very first girl i fancied invited me to her birthday party and when someone i trusted had told her i fancied her, i ran for cover and hid under the nearest table i could find.
Later on in primary school a similar situation occured where i had skipped eating lunch instead of facing the girl i fancied. After lunch i had plucked up the courage to admit to it and asked the girl out who later turned me down, due to her grandmother telling her she was too young for a b/f.

Although i was extremely shy in some cases, when me and my brothers were being looked after by babysitters we always messed around with them. They werent that much older than us and were daughters of my mothers friends so I had no problems with confidence around girls.

GOOD LOOKING BABYSITTERS TOO 8)

When i was around 9 years old I was very happy but only because i could do as i pleased, i would go to school when i wanted, if i did go to school and wanted to leave i would, go where i wanted, come back home when i wanted, smoke ciggarettes whenever i got the chance. If i was too naughty i would recieve a beating and curse my mother afterwards, that was normal for me.

I did recieve alot of racism growing up and was teased daily at school, i would always retaliate with violence and quickly became a bully because i was stronger than most of the other boys in school apart from my best friend, who i reckon i would have battererd. I was brought up with 2 brothers who were twins and 1 year older than me, so from an early age i learned how to defend myself after being pushed around by them, as we aged i began to fight back now pushing both of them around, defending there battles for them if needed.

I was very protective of my brothers but was always a bit more sensitive than them.

Although my mum disciplined me, she always used to threaten to tell my father if i behaved badly so i grew up fearing my father. He became my authority figure and if or when he would visit or i would visit him I would become a goody to shoes thus making it hard to believe i was the child my mother portrayed. Due to my misbehavior i had to stop living with my mum moving 200 miles away to live with my father, my father didnt have the time to look after me so he gave me the choice of moving in with his girlfriend or my other older brothers mum, who i used to visit from an early age.

I quickly chose to stay with my brothers mum mainly because i idolised my brother.

This, i believe was my turning point in life, living with my mum i was a tear away and destined for crime and drugs, living with my brothers mum i would be living under rules and respect. I had no choice but to behave and now had a routine, the last thing i wanted to do was get on anyone's bad side so i had to change who i was. I believe during this time i became even more conscious of my actions and now behaved to approve rather than dissapoint.

I was very happy living with my brothers mum but always greatly missed my mum, my brothers and my sister 200 miles away. It felt as though part of me was missing and even still haunts me to this day still living so far away. I also learned so much living with my brothers mum and was very well looked after.

Due to circumstances in my brothers mums life she had become very stressed and depressed. One day she accused me of eating all the snacks in the cupboards and told me to come out her house, i took this very personally because all i did was behave and was frustrated i did not have a clean shirt for school. The day before i was teased by sum older kid for having worn a shirt twice which i denied, promptly.

Looking back on it now i realise i shouldnt have taken it so personally she was at a bad time in her life and needed to rant just like i am now.

THIS IS JUST PART OF MY STORY.....I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO SHARE AND ALOT THAT I HAVE MISSED OUT.
I DO NOT WANT TO FINISH IT HERE YET... I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOUR RESPONSE TO WHAT YOU HAVE READ SO FAR.

WAS I TOO DETAILED??? IS IT BORING YOU?? DOES IT MAKE SENSE SO FAR?? CAN YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS HEADING??

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO HEAR THE REST OF MY STORY AND HEAR HOW I REACTED TO MY BROTHERS MUMS RANT AS WELL AS MORE. LET ME KNOW

THANKS
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  #2  
Old 29th February 2012, 03:00
mhealer3 mhealer3 is offline
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Default Re: Lost in life - the beginnings

many things you decribed from childhood i can identify with.

i'd say we have almost a 'post traumatic stress' type disorder, really.

(considering how bad childhood memories & old thought patterns still control us).

it's very important to resolve our fears from the past or they come back 'to haunt us'.
(the patterns we can't resolve can even repeat in our own behavior).
like how i failed in my marriage without our even realizing what was happening.

i can't go back & make it right, but i'm working on being free.
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  #3  
Old 29th February 2012, 03:27
fallingstar89 fallingstar89 is offline
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Default Re: Lost in life - the beginnings

I agree with you 100% 'post traumatic stress'.
I'm still suffering mentally because of my past experiences and I can see how it has determined my current state. I must say your words are very soothing and definately inspirational, I hope your achieve your goal.
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  #4  
Old 29th February 2012, 17:24
Aelwyn Aelwyn is offline
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Default Re: Lost in life - the beginnings

It's not boring, and I can relate to some of the things you say. You have expressed it all very well.

You had a very disrupted childhood and it's not surprising it's made you anxious. At a guess I would say you became more violent than you intended to be.

You seem to have a lot of insight into your problems.
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  #5  
Old 29th February 2012, 23:39
fallingstar89 fallingstar89 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Default Re: Lost in life - the beginnings

thankyou for taking the time to read and reply

i think many of my early years haunt me to this day hence why i can remember so much detail, i wish i could use the insight i have into my problems as a catalyst for overcoming them but easiar said than done.

If i am honest i'd say i became far from violent, although im always quick to defend myself if anybody tries to take advantage i hate confrontation. I am alot more timid and more caring now than ever which is not that much of a bad thing.
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