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#1
1st February 2014, 21:05
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Hello there!
Hello! I’ve been passing by this forum a lot over the years as a lurker, usually when I’ve been looking up anxiety, depression etc related subjects on the internet. Finally decided to join today though, so I thought I’d stop off here first and say hello, so hello!
To try and keep it brief, I’m a 32 year old guy who, to be honest, is not even really sure if I have a form of Social Anxiety or not. I’ve always been shy and withdrawn, and a bit lacking socially, but for a while as a kid I did feel relatively confident and outgoing. It was only when I hit my teens that my self-esteem started dropping like a rock, but even then I still forced myself out into the world and sort of grinned-and-beared it at various social gatherings. Sometimes it would go well, sometimes it would go badly, but at least I was giving it a go. Booze helped! When I discovered booze in the early days, around the ages of 18 to 20, it was like some magic elixir because it seemed to unlock this more confident and exciting version of me. But the effects of that soon faded over time and I became more and more withdrawn from the world, socially. Nowadays I go out of my way to avoid most social situations, unless they involve the few family members or friends I’m most comfortable with, and even then I get tense if it involves “going out” – I much prefer just going to these people’s houses. Trouble is, I’m a people-pleaser too, so I end up forcing myself to go out to various events and occasions that involve socialising, purely to stop the guilt of letting people down, but I rarely enjoy it and always have one eye on the clock, waiting till the time I can escape and go home. I go really quiet in groups of people I don’t know, often not talking for what feels like ages, just sitting there nodding my head and maybe smiling every so often. So many social situations involve me hovering around the room alone, not talking to anybody, purely because I don’t want to stick like a limpet to the one or two people I know in the room. I’m much more comfortable on my own, to be honest, and I can happily go days without talking to anybody. In fact, I’m actually quite comfortable in public when I don’t have to interact with anybody, except the odd interaction here and there, say when somebody serves me in a shop or something like that – that’s what makes me wonder if I actually have SA or not. I don’t really know. I can be quite polite, seemingly confident and maybe even a bit funny (funny haha) when I’m just dealing with somebody I don’t know like the aforementioned shop situation, but when I’m on a night out with people that I’m supposed to be hanging out with socially, I clam up and say nothing for about 80-90% of the night. All I can think about is being home and the safety of my bedroom. A large part of me could happily live alone, as long as I lived near my family, and work in a job where I mainly work alone, just inputting data or something solitary like that, and I could just spend my nights going to the gym and watching TV/playing video games. Then maybe once in Blue Moon, when I was feeling up to it, I could meet up with a friend or two for a pint in the local pub in my hometown. That life seems like Heaven at times, but then again there’s also this nagging thought at the back of my head that I want more out of life, and that I’d just settle for that because of fear. It's like the kid version of me who wanted to be a performer/stuntman/comedian/wrestler etc is in my head, despairing at the fearful person I've become. I just don’t know. There’s a lot more to it all, but that’s the general gist of it, and I don’t want to ramble on too much in my first post here (although I easily could!). Anyways, it’s nice to meet you all! 
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#3
1st February 2014, 22:10
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Re: Hello there!
Hi Finlay! Nice to read your post, welcome
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#4
1st February 2014, 22:16
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Re: Hello there!
Thank you all for the welcomes! It's much appreciated. I don't know if it's SA or not that's doing it, but my mind already internally berating myself, going "You fool! You should've posted on an Introvert forum - leave these people alone!"
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#5
1st February 2014, 22:20
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Re: Hello there!
Hi Finlay, welcome to SAUK.
 So glad you plucked up the courage to finally post From reading your introduction, it does indeed sound like you are suffering with Social Anxiety. I could relate to a lot of what you described and I imagine many others here will too. SA is a complex condition and comes in many shapes and forms from quite mild to very severe, but if it is impacting on what you want to do, or holding you back from interacting with others, or enjoying certain social situations, then it's something that probably needs to be addressed. I can really relate to you saying you're a people pleaser as I'm exactly the same. I will sometimes go out of my way to do something for someone, even offer my services to them before they even ask, when it's not at all convenient for me and imposes on my own plans. So often I've found myself enthusiastically agreeing to a request when inside I'm saying "I really don't want to be doing this..." I think it's our fear of people judging us negatively, or of people disliking us if we say "No" to them which makes us behave in this way. Of course, we usually end up feeling completely used and often disrespected by the person we were trying to please  Yep, I think you've come to the right place Finlay
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#6
2nd February 2014, 18:57
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Re: Hello there!
Thanks Muggins! Yeah, a people-pleaser is a rotten way to be. My trouble is I agree to things because I know the event is a distance, time-wise, away - say a month or so for example. I still don't want to do it, but I figure that my future-self can deal with it, as if it's a different person. So once the time comes round and I'm now in the shoes of my future-self, I'm usually cursing my past-self for putting me in this predicament! I worry, though, that if I did become more assertive, and less of a people-pleaser, that because of my SA would I ever do anything or go anywhere?
Anyway, thanks for the welcome too!
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#11
3rd February 2014, 20:20
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Re: Hello there!
Quote:
Gosh, I can so relate to that Finlay! You've described it really well. So many times I've agreed to something because it's seems way off in the future and I think yeah, I can handle that, but as the situation gets nearer I think what the hell have I gotten myself into, and then all those negative thoughts creep in. 
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#12
5th February 2014, 20:11
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Re: Hello there!
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Oh, and thanks for the welcome woof!
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#13
5th February 2014, 21:28
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Re: Hello there!
Certainly sounds like SA. You describe it very well.
Quote:
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Good luck!
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#15
10th February 2014, 09:47
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Re: Hello there!
Welcome to SAUK, Finlay
 I, too can relate to some of the things you mentioned about receiving invites from people. Sometimes the hardest word seems to be 'no' when you have SA. But at the same time you do feel a certain level of guilt like you should make yourself go somewhere because someone's invited you. *sigh, its definitely like navigating a minefield at times! I hope that you find the site useful
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#17
20th February 2014, 19:13
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Re: Hello there!
Interesting. I always found it easy to say "no" whenever I was invited to do things because I figured I would be so anxious and dismal and mute and spreading "bad vibes" due to SA, that I was actually doing people a favour by staying away from their social gatherings. Since they would have a better time without me, I was treating them kindly by isolating myself. Which, in a perverse sort of way, is also people pleasing, maybe??
 But also it got to a stage where my self-esteem was pretty non existent and I knew people thought so little of me, that they wouldn't think any worse of me if I refused to do things. I would just be fulfilling their low expectations. Dammit, my thought processes really are quite f*****. Anyway, welcome to the forum Finlay.
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#18
24th February 2014, 20:12
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Re: Hello there!
Thanks for the welcome rex! I know what you mean about the "bad vibes" thing. I tend to never contact anybody, or ask anybody to do anything, because I feel I bore most folk. I don't think I depress them as such (I'm usually upbeat and cheery), but I know I come across as very boring and quiet and with nothing of interest to say a lot of the time. So I tend to avoid making the first move in organising social events as I hate the idea of somebody, or a bunch of people, feeling obliged to hang out with me, despite me boring them senseless. Honestly, some times I've found myself during group conversations thinking "Oh God Finlay, you've literally not said a single word in the past 30 minutes. Say something! Say something! Interject something into the conversation! THINK OF SOMETHING!......nah, can't think of anything. Just nod and say "Yeah" again - that should buy you another 20 minutes. Is it nearly home time?"
Yet sometimes, in certain company and in certain situations I can feel like a different person and can actually be quite chatty and confident. 9 times out of 10, though, I'm just that polite but quiet and reserved guy, just sitting there nodding and smiling for hours on end.
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#19
25th February 2014, 01:21
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Re: Hello there!
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You get credit from me for putting yourself in those social situations and sticking them out rather than avoiding them entirely, and also managing to be a bit upbeat and cheery. Those can be difficult things so give yourself congratulations for that. Plus it sounds like you have a social life within which you might be able to experiment with different behaviours (e.g. initiating contact, being a bit more expressive in conversations) rather than having to build a social existence from scratch. Easier said than done, I know.
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#20
25th February 2014, 16:51
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Re: Hello there!
Welcome
I can complete relate with this, I always say yes to everyone and think about the consequences later, then I have to come up with some amazing excuse to get out of it. Recently I said yes to an old friend's birthday party, but then I realised she would be the only one I knew there so I chickened out. My motto at social gatherings is 'smile and laugh girl, just smile and laugh', kinda like the penguins in Madagascar!! Plus, you don't seem dull or boring to me!
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#22
26th February 2014, 23:40
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Re: Hello there!
Hi Finlay, I'm also new here - nice to meet ya! I also could've written most of your post about myself - our good old false friend booze, eh! Same story for myself; seems to make everything better at the time, only to wake up the next day worse than before
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#23
14th March 2014, 18:11
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Re: Hello there!
Sorry, I***8217;ve been meaning to reply to all these comments for a while now!
OllyAvoid: I don***8217;t know ***8211; I guess it***8217;s me beating myself up a bit much in terms of the ***8220;boring and quiet***8221; comment. But then again, through the years I***8217;ve had people tell me I***8217;m very quiet, that I don***8217;t say much, telling me straight up that my ***8220;chat***8221; is rubbish (as a joke, but still kind of hit home a bit), that they don***8217;t remember me when a mutual friend mentions me in a conversation, etc. To be fair, though, that***8217;s not everybody in my life that thinks that about me, so I try not to dwell too much on these negative comments. Thanks for compliment and kind words, though! I was kind of sceptical about whether to sign up here or not, as I***8217;m not even sure if I have Social Anxiety. I***8217;ve always been a bit odd and awkward socially, but managed to sort of get by somehow. I mean, say 5-6 years ago I was probably the same kind of person I am just now, but I still had a full-time job, friends I saw semi-regularly, and generally seemed to be operating as a functioning member of society. But now here I am having hit my 30s, and I***8217;m jobless, still single, having not seen a lot of my friends for months (some of them even years), mainly spending my days in the house on the internet, scared somebody is going to contact me and ask me to do something or meet up. I seem to have regressed! Chrissy: Thanks for the welcome and compliment! Yeah, I***8217;ve never seen the film, but that Penguin thing sounds like me too ***61514; I can get by on politeness and smiling through most social occasions, and come out of it the other side having not really expressed myself at all! I***8217;m a Smile-Bot! MLP James: Thanks for the welcome! Andine: Hello! Welcome to you too, another newbie! Yeah, I know what you***8217;re talking about drink being a false friend. For me it was always a combo of regrets of maybe doing stupid stuff on the drink, combined with the general depressant effects of the hangover/booze that made the day after so miserable at times. I***8217;d be beating myself up, analysing everything I***8217;d did on the drink the night before ***8211; usually over-analysing, to be honest. The booze is actually something I***8217;ve dropped from my life over the years, to the point where now I hardly ever drink, and when I do it***8217;s just only a couple, as opposed to the binges of booze I had in my early 20s. Whilst it***8217;s probably been good for my health, it***8217;s telling that my most successful periods of my life, socially, were during my drinking days. I***8217;m a sober hermit these days Pinkandpurple: Thanks for the welcome too!
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#26
5th April 2014, 07:29
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Re: Hello there!
Hi Findlay, I'm new here too, having dipped in and out over the years just as you did. Our stories are so similar that I could have copied and pasted yours with a couple of minor tweaks... right down to your relationship with alcohol past and present.
I hope you'll stick around and share more of your thoughts and experiences
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#27
5th April 2014, 17:45
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Re: Hello there!
Hi bizarro! Thanks for the welcome, and welcome to you too (although I think you signed up before me
Still, welcome to you too!)Sorry to hear you've had similar experiences to myself. Just to expand on what I was saying about alcohol (and I don't know if this chimes in with your own experiences of alcohol. Feel free to reply!) I never drank at all during my school days, mainly because being quite shy and anonymous at school meant I never got invited to the after-school parties and things where (usually underage) drinking went on. But once I got out of school, because I was out in the world of Further Education, I ended up being introduced to booze late on (well, 18 which legally isn't late, but most folk my age had already been necking the stuff for a few years prior) and I found for that first year or so of drinking it gave me a surge of confidence whenever I was on it. Unfortunately, I always tended to go overboard and get hammered, but still, I had some good times during that brief period. I say brief, because as I approached my 20s I found booze stopped giving me confidence, and tended more and more to just make me ill and a bit depressed. And so I drank less and less often, and found my briefly burgeoning social life start to dwindle again back to nothing. It was like I had a brief glimpse of being a functioning social adult for that year or two. I don't it was all just booze related - I'm pretty sure it's a multitude of issues - but when I think back my most successfully social periods, they seem to coincide with my binge drinking days, which isn't really a good sustainable way to be, health-wise, I guess.
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#28
5th April 2014, 17:48
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Re: Hello there!
Actually, when I said my social life started to dwindle to nothing, that isn't strictly correct. I have been lucky that I've always had friends I could hang out with. I think I mean more that when booze was working for me, I was more confident, more willing to go out, and probably more interesting and fun to be around. When it stopped working, and when I wasn't on it, I was (and still am) a lot quieter, shyer, more inclined to go home early, whenever I'm in social situations.
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