Does Thinking People Expect You To Talk Make You Anxious

[Elemiah]

I was discussing this point today and wondered if anyone can relate to this feeling I get and if they have any advice to people that suffer from this form of anxiety.

Samuel

[Chach]

Mmmm.

I think it starts from the time at school when the group of girls I was with decided to keep quiet until I said something.

Advice?
Don't try to say something clever. Anything will do.
Once you've said something, the anxiety will probably diminish and you'll be able to think of other things to say.

[hardy]

I'm betting that most who have SA have this problem apart from the relatively few who are constanlty chatting to cover there SA!
I think chach is right . Its FAR more important to say SOMETHING than something clever . In fact if you say something too clever it can make people feel uncomfortable!!
A lot of good socialising is to do with creating or joining in the general mood not so much about saying the "right or clever " thing.

[Elemiah]

http://www.social-anxiety-community....ead.php?t=4043

Try this link for additional discussion titled "You Don't Have To Say Anything"

[T2003]

The worst thing is sitting in a room and thinking of something to say, You are waiting for someone to say "your quiet" and then they do.

Its FAR more important to say SOMETHING than something clever

Yeah too right, that takes away the presure to say something interesting. When I first started to talk to people I just tried to ramble on about things, people often thought I didnt know what I was talking about and I suppose I made a fool of myself a few times, saying without thinking. But in the end it relaxed me and helped me comunicate with people better.

[hardy]

Thats a very important point T2003.
If you listen carefully to what most people say . They stop and start slur words etc. so that at any given moment what they say can be indistinct, mixed up , or even nonesensical but as they go along they repeat points and check others understanding so that they get their meaning accross.
Quite often the SA person is struggling to make every sentence "correct" and logical . He /she finds this is stressful and impossible to keep up so they give up in embarressment!

I've a feeling that we may have been unconciously brainwashed by watching tv and movies to thinking that we must try and make no errors in what we say as tho reading from a script!

Sometimes silence IS the better option .
I was finding that in some situations the pressure of "you should be saying something " caused me to talk at the wrong moment eg when somone else was speaking which is usually not very acceptable behaviour.

This is exactly what I was talking about in my CBT last week. I am always worried when there is a silence. I feel like I should speak but can't think what to say (or daren't say anything). My therapist said talking should not be a forced thing. If conversation flows then great. If it doesn't it's not my job to always fill in the silences. However, because I find it almost impossible to start conversations we developed a strategy to help with this. Before I go to any event where I know conversation will need to take place (I'm a stay at home mum so this just means my parent and toddler meets), I am to devise a list of 10 questiions which I will ask. Apparently because people love talking about themselves I am unlikely to get past number 5/6.

I did try this last week when I met up with a friend and it did work. My homework however is to try it when I meet up with 4 other mum's on friday at my house. Eek!

[next_exit]

I went to a pub quiz a few weeks ago with a person I have known for years, it was packed and very loud and my friend got talking to loads of people and as luck would have it there wasnt a chair left for me so I was stood up while everyone was sat around me, I just stood behind my friend feeling so uncomfortable and inadequate.

She kept looking round at me and saying ''join in'', ''talk'' etc but then shed turn her back and continue talking making it impossible anyway.

Then the whole group moved to another area and sat around a long table, I set next to my friend and was on the end where she continued talkin to people with her back to me, after about 5 times of her telling me to move and sit opposite her so she could talk to me I told her I was sorry but I had to get out of there.

I hate reading SA stuff where a lot of the times it talks about an irrational fear, well half the time I have found these fears are not irrational at all, if you dont fit in and cant think of things to say people notice and they do give you ''whats wrong with you'' looks.

And then every encounter with that person becomes awkward after your cover has been blown.

[hardy]

Youre right its not really quite correct to call SA fears irrational .
Youre acting PERFECTLY rationally according to how you THINK the situation (what others are thinking or want) is.
Its our faulty perception of what other are thinking thats 90% of the problem.

Originally Posted by next_exit

I went to a pub quiz a few weeks ago with a person I have known for years, it was packed and very loud and my friend got talking to loads of people and as luck would have it there wasnt a chair left for me so I was stood up while everyone was sat around me, I just stood behind my friend feeling so uncomfortable and inadequate.

She kept looking round at me and saying ''join in'', ''talk'' etc but then shed turn her back and continue talking making it impossible anyway.

Then the whole group moved to another area and sat around a long table, I set next to my friend and was on the end where she continued talkin to people with her back to me, after about 5 times of her telling me to move and sit opposite her so she could talk to me I told her I was sorry but I had to get out of there.

That sounds awful. I've been in situations like that and the anxiety was absolutely terrible.

[hobo_girl]

Yep, I've had plenty of situations like that too and it makes u feel like s**t...
I'm fine when im with my parents because I'm not worried about what they think of me and i know they will like me if I'm quiet or not. However, with others like friends etc, I think that they may not like me if I'm not constantly talking and thinking of funny and interesting things to say..
Ironically, it is when im with my parents and am least worried that conversation flows naturally...other than them it varies from person to person depending on how loud/confident they are....

[pdjkeelan]

Yep, it makes me very anxious. Like others have said, it makes it worse when people say "you're quiet". I dispise group situations in 1 to 1 i'm not too bad. But in groups it's when i tend to block up or stutter, as i feel vulnerable.