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#1
12th July 2020, 15:09
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Social anxiety and relationships
Hi everyone,
I was wondering how other people have found the experience of dating/relationships with social anxiety? Are you in a relationship, and if so was SA an issue at all when you met your partner? Are they shy too? Or are you single and do you think SA massively gets in the way of forming connections? When I was younger I really struggled to talk to guys I liked, even if they made it clear were interested in me and asked me out. I was sure they wouldn't like me once they got to know me better, and then there's only so much lack of conversation/awkward silence they were willing to put up with! Now this still sometimes happens (I struggle to talk to people when I'm attracted to them), but I do also wonder if I'm actually somehow trying to avoid relationships... Anyway, I would be interested to hear other peoples' views on this. Thanks in advance for any responses. 
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#2
13th July 2020, 08:14
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Re: Social anxiety and relationships
Hi Selkie,
I feel the same and I believe SA is an issue for me when meeting a woman, or it might be that I am just afraid that it can be an issue. I am single and I do not feel I can enjoy interactions. It looks like I am just too worried to understand how I come across. Do you have the same? Finally, with your last part of your question, I also believe that I am trying to avoid relationships.
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#3
14th July 2020, 08:45
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Re: Social anxiety and relationships
Hi Marco, thanks for the response.
I do worry too much how I come across when I'm with someone I like. But another problem is that it's become increasingly difficult to find people I like who are single and I could go out with!
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#7
15th July 2020, 22:10
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Re: Social anxiety and relationships
I would say SA and being someone whos heavily introverted with a strong avoidance game has killed any chance of me being in a relationship again.
It takes me so long to be comfortable with people, they could have found someone else, got married and had 4-5 kids before I would have come round to being myself with them. I think If I'm comfortable with someone - I can probably bumble my way through ignoring my SA but realistically its just not liable to happen. I have days where I feel being in a relationship would be good, I have days when I think it would be too much hassle and I couldn't be bothered with it. I've had a couple of small ones before but didn't have positive experiences with any of them! I think I'll just marry my Playstation - we have a solid bond these days 
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#8
15th July 2020, 23:47
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Re: Social anxiety and relationships
There's a lot of questions there, Selkie! I think what stands out for me is that on the one hand, you wonder if you're trying to avoid relationships and then in another post, you say it's become increasingly difficult to find people you like - whilst also saying that you still struggle to talk to people when you're attracted to them. That last statement does suggest that you do still meet people you like, even if it has become increasingly difficult.
Why do you think that you're trying to avoid relationships? Could it be that you have low self-esteem and don't think that you're good enough? Perhaps you think that relationships and the compromise that they involve are too much hard work? Is it that you're afraid to let anyone get close to you because it makes you vulnerable and you may get hurt? The last of these is, sadly, inevitable: in order to get involved with someone, we do have to risk getting hurt, but you may also meet someone who enriches your life forever; in my view, the potential rewards outweigh the risk - and this comes from someone who has taken that risk many times, been hurt (sooner or later) every time and still hasn't found that person who might enrich my life forever, but it could still happen. Relationships do involve compromise and they are hard work, but with the right person, the compromises work both ways and it doesn't feel like hard work (although then, the hard work is in not becoming complacent and taking each other for granted); again, it is worth it. If you don't think that you're good enough, you're wrong; whatever qualities you possess, the right person will recognise and appreciate those - we are often our own harshest critics. You mention that you struggle to talk to people you like and to a certain extent, this is normal; if someone doesn't matter to us, if whether or not they like us won't change our lives then (at least if there were no social anxiety disorder to get in the way) things are easy - we talk to them, they either like us or they don't. However, when we are attracted to someone, it matters and that's when even people who are otherwise unaffected by anxiety can become tongue-tied. With the right person, however, this can be something they find endearing; you may even find people who become tongue-tied when they talk to you, because they find you attractive (clearly, some men do as they have made it known to you in the past). You mention awkward silences, but most (if not all) relationships involve periods of silence and if you find someone with whom those silences are not awkward, you just might have something. To address the questions you asked in your first paragraph: my experience of dating and relationships with social anxiety has been mixed; my main difficulty has been in approaching prospective partners and for that reason, much of my dating has been conducted with the help of dating sites and (in the old days) personal ads. One advantage of meeting people this way has been that, in the exchange of communications before a first face-to-face date, I've had some idea of that person's interests and can plan topics of conversation. However, these days things are more organic and I've started meeting people when I'm not actually looking for relationships, just by being in social situations (social anxiety isn't any longer the issue for me it once was, my life has changed considerably in recent years); before this, though, there were many occasions (well, a few) where other people told me that someone was attracted to me and I wouldn't believe them (although looking back now, I can see that there were signs but in those days I couldn't read them) so social anxiety did get in the way, in as much as I never had the courage to take a chance and make those approaches. I'm not in a relationship, but I have been (my last relationship ended just under three months ago, which is why I'm not looking for another right now) and in my last relationship, social anxiety wasn't an issue at all; it has been in the past, not in the sense that it prevented me from starting relationships, but the restrictions it used to place on my life were too much for some of my former partners (which just meant that I wasn't with the right person, because the right person would have understood and helped me, just as I would help them with any difficulties they faced in life). Some of my partners have been shy (in fact, I met one through this very forum) and others haven't; sometimes, if you both have social anxiety, especially if you both find the same things difficult, it can put a strain on the relationship. Sometimes, however, you can also find that you're able to support each other and both challenge your anxiety, or that you have different strengths and weaknesses (yes, everyone here is or has at one time been affected by social anxiety, but it doesn't affect everyone the same way and it is possible to find someone who complements you by being able to do the things you can't, whilst you can do the things they can't). Being with someone who isn't shy can also have pros and cons too - they might be understanding of your anxiety and able to help you (or be too helpful, so that you can retreat into their shadow), or they may become irritated by the restrictions it places on you. I don't think that social anxiety necessarily gets in the way of forming connections, I think that depends on the individual; I do know that some of us can become very guarded (to which I've alluded already) and that can make it difficult to let others in, but if you can negotiate that hurdle, social anxiety shouldn't really make a difference. As I've said already, the main barrier for me was in meeting people, but these days there are many ways to do that. One thing which struck me was that you said you thought your prospective partners wouldn't like you if they got to know you better; I think the solution to this would be to be yourself and to let them decide. None of us is perfect, we all have flaws and no matter how good the relationship, every one of us will do things which annoy our partners (and they will do things which annoy us). I know it's easier said than done (especially with heightened anxiety) but if you can forget trying to impress and concentrate on just being, then half the battle is won - and remember, they will be worrying (maybe not as much, but if they're not worrying at all then they are either arrogant or you're not important enough to them) whether you will like them when you get to know them, it isn't just a one-way street. If you feel it's difficult to talk to people, just ask questions: most people love to talk about themselves, so ask them about their lives, listen and then when there is something to which you can relate, you can offer your own experiences / thoughts / beliefs - and if there's nothing to which you can relate, or if they like talking about themselves just a little too much, then you can find someone else to whom you can relate better. That brings me back to your difficulty in finding people to whom you're attracted and who are single: do you have any interests and if so, do you pursue those interests in places where you might meet people? Relationships are often based on shared interests, so if you concentrate on the things you enjoy in places (in real life or online) where you're likely to meet others who also enjoy those things, then you just might meet someone you find attractive - and having a shared interest (especially if it's a passion) should make it easier to talk to each other. I think that's answered all your questions, I don't know if you found any of that useful? @Toxic: I do hope that you and your Playstation will be be very happy together, but if I were you, I'd stop short of marriage; you know how it goes, you spend a few happy years together, then another, younger, better-looking Playstation comes along and woos you with updated graphics and then before you know it, there's a messy divorce. Enjoy your time together, but don't get too committed!
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#10
17th July 2020, 12:15
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Re: Social anxiety and relationships
Thanks again for the responses!
Thanks for your thoughtful reply gregarious_introvert. The reason I wonder if I'm trying to avoid relationships is because the people that I would like to go out with and the people that I could actually go out with don't overlap, and have not done so for a while. I'm not sure I actually believe I'm avoiding relationships - if so it's very subconscious. It's just that the men I do like are never available. Bad luck, or do I pick them because they are unavailable? For example, yes I go to clubs related to my interests. Met a guy I really liked at one, and he gave every appearance of liking me too. We got closer, he was flirty and tactile. He paid attention to me, remembered a lot of things I told him about myself. Then one session, after several months of this, he admitted that he had a girlfriend (he was living with her!). He was apologetic, and felt bad about misleading me. But he was, in fact, unavailable. Another guy I met while abroad for work lives abroad, so that's difficult, and I did feel that SA got in the way there a bit as well. Another man I fancied was married. I knew he was happily married, but he was also attractive, fun and kind to me. It's interesting you don't feel that anxiety gets in the way of forming connections. Perhaps we all have different safety behaviours? When I was younger I would literally avoid the people I liked - keep the conversation as short as possible, and when I was talking to them, say and reveal as little as possible about myself. People's patience and tolerance for that varies I think - maybe someone who has SA themselves would be more understanding. I'm wondering whether once you had got over your initial anxiety you were able to talk without too much trouble/fairly fluently, which made a difference? Or were your partners happy to wait for you to come out of your shell? Anyway, my SA has improved to the extent that I can for the most part chat to people more easily. It is less of an issue for me now, but I am beginning to wonder if I should start leaving attraction out of the equation when trying to form a relationship. But I find that a depressing prospect, and one that is not likely to bring happiness to me or anyone I could be in a relationship with...
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#11
17th July 2020, 18:57
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Re: Social anxiety and relationships
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#13
18th July 2020, 10:42
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Re: Social anxiety and relationships
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#14
18th July 2020, 15:22
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Re: Social anxiety and relationships
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It's a good point about allowing potential partners to make their own minds up and not trying to pre-empt. I will try to do that in the future, and try to drop my more avoidant tendencies. @Marco98 I've done loads of different things. I still have mild/moderate social anxiety. There are a few situations, with certain people, that I find quite challenging. But I'm a lot better from the time I could barely going into a shop without panicking about what the shop assistants thought of me. Now things like talking to colleagues or people I don't know at a party are much easier. Overall what I would say helped was: - CBT. If you can it's worth doing. It got rid of my most irrational thoughts (by making my really think about whether there was 'evidence' or not) and it also helped me to take a few more risks. I've done this with a therapist and also self help books/online and through a group. It does take a while - I don't think it's really the 'quick fix' that it's supposed to be. - Meditation and mindfulness. I found these useful for becoming calmer and keeping thoughts in perspective. I also like the emphasis in Buddhist philosophy on the idea we're not actually our thoughts - everything is transient. We don't have to 'buy in' so much to our own painful opinions of ourselves. (But I haven't mastered this I think that takes years of practice and then I wouldn't need to ask for advice here!)- Relaxation techniques and exercise. Again these are good for keeping calm in general. - I've tried hypnosis. I think it probably helped.
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