Lack of 'banter'- Root of my anxiety and depression

Nick · #1 27th October 2016, 12:30

I've come to the conclusion that the reason I'm anxious in social situations is because I simply lack the ability to have fun with anybody. Honestly it amazes me how people can laugh and joke with each other, and that's basically how people make friends with each other in my experience.

Whereas I cannot function in this way around people, because I just expect the worst outcome of every social interaction I have. This affects everything in my life. I'd love to have a girlfriend, but I know I'm not in a good place and I'm nowhere near confident enough.

Everybody seems so much better at connecting with other people. I've worked as a Lorry Driver for the last 5 years and I think that's hindered me making any improvement. I've become far too introspective and lost in my own head, that's its almost impossible to get out of it.

On top of that, being depressed stops me from doing anything about it. I just don't know what to do anymore

not sure why I've wrote this, it's always nice if somebody relates in some way I guess.

clyde33 · #2 27th October 2016, 12:56

Yeah i can relate to that. In the company of a group of people that i don't know well, friends of my husbands in a pub for example, i just can't follow the conversation and i end up not understanding what people are talking about because i've been so anxious and haven't been listening carefully enough. I force myself to sit and do "fake laughs" and "fake smiles" and "fake nods" etc to try and fit in while counting down the seconds until it's time to leave. I always feel a bit like Trigger in Only Fools And Horses. I just don't follow what people are saying. I'm too anxious and uncomfortable to have fun with others, and i don't see the point of small talk. I have nothing interesting to say in situations anyway.

So, yup, i can relate.

Marky89 · #3 27th October 2016, 14:14

I completely relate to this too. I struggle to banter with anyone. It always feels really fast-paced when people are bantering, and it takes effort for me to keep up and never feel like I have anything good to add.

Tembo · #4 27th October 2016, 14:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by clyde33

I force myself to sit and do "fake laughs" and "fake smiles" and "fake nods" .

Ah yes, the fake laughs, smiles and nods. I think I've become a master at those. I just can't keep up with the banter but wish I could. Even if I think of something funny, it's too late and they've all moved on to a different topic. It reminds me of Homer Simpson where he is sitting having a conversation, and thinks of something funny to say, but when he goes to say it everyone else has gone home

Martin74 · #5 27th October 2016, 19:24

It constantly amazes me how (most) other people seem to have no problem with small talk. I just don't know what to say. Usually I say very little if anything. Not to be rude or anything - there doesn't seem to be any reason to talk. Having said that I still desire social contact. v confusing.

Ajax Amsterdam · #6 27th October 2016, 20:40

I can actually do banter but it never made any difference to my anxiety at all. Maybe if I couldn't do it I might have been more down on myself because I'd probably have felt more isolated though. A few places I've worked at the banter was utterly brutal too. I find that it sort of comes naturally once I'm reasonably comfortable with those around me. I suppose the worst thing is to overthink it and try too hard. Simply reacting in the moment to what is going on seems to work out the best. Maybe it just got easier with age for me because when I was a lot younger I was virtually mute in most situations around other people.

Aelwyn · #7 27th October 2016, 20:55

Could you maybe join something where the focus would be on a particular activity rather than the socialising?

PS. I love your avatar.

GoldFish · #8 29th October 2016, 13:13

take it from someone who has been terrible at banter for years and just stays quiet...

I've recently been engaging in banter, just keep it simple, try to mindfully think of stuff to say as if it's practicing moving a muscle, take a chance. Even if it's just three times in a shift..

Start small..

Also remember that it doesn't matter if you don't banter, you are just fine being yourself.

The more important aspect is are you being truly mindful, relaxed and not in a perpetual state of worry/guilt...

Is there a particular person/authority that is making you feel not relaxed..

I find intimidating colleagues to scare me off into a corner, so I want to hide away,..

If I'm around clumsy nerds like me, then I'll be more likely to speak up.

Your brain has certain signals and wiring.

For some reason I prefer environments with more, non intimidating types, nerdy, silly, not necessarily smooth talking...hard to explain..

pAuL1974 · #9 29th October 2016, 16:47

I completely relate to all of this, it's a very big issue.

clyde33 · #10 1st November 2016, 22:00

One of the reasons i don't join in with banter or general conversation is because i'm terrified i'll stutter or stammer and people will think i'm an idiot. On the odd occasion when i do speak, i'll sit there for ages rehearsing what i'm about to say in my head and visualising myself saying it. When i do speak, two things usually happen..... Someone speaks (louder) at the same time and my words will just drift away unheard, or i'll stutter like a fool. Oh, or the even worse thing; i'll just be looked at followed by silence then people will carry-on with what they were talking about because what i've said was so boring.

Utopia · #11 1st November 2016, 23:26

^ Maybe people have just sensed weakness from your lack of speech and exploited it because they are insecure losers also?

Personally I like a bit of light-hearted banter at times. It's the point where it becomes bullying that I dont like.

I have said things to my brother as a laugh while drunk and he has actually physically attacked me for it. He doesn't need to do that for me to know when something is out of line however and I wish people well.

I sometimes think I have a form of high-functioning autism, but I still seem to have a sense of humour and a decent sense of others emotions. I have always just had a hard time fitting in.

BritishPeace · #12 5th November 2016, 22:24

I have had trouble with this

Marco · #13 6th November 2016, 07:28

^ This thread relates to the thread you started British Peace. I think the problems many of us have with engaging in banter is that we overthink before we speak, instead of just voicing our thoughts as they pop into our heads. I don't think it's because we're dull or stupid, it's just the inhibitory thoughts that seem to be wired into our minds act like white noise, use up mental energy and make rapid fire banter quite exhausting. By contrast, others actually come to life when they engage in banter because for them it's pure mental stimulation. It makes them look fun and interesting while we just feel stupid and isolated.

Marco · #14 6th November 2016, 07:45

I used to work in an environment where banter was seen as a badge of masculinity. I became the stooge of a lot of the humour because I was a soft target back then. I felt humiliated in front of others, especially females. It was a form of bullying and it made my life in that job a misery.

Angelina · #15 10th November 2016, 09:01

I clean in a school in the morning at 5.30am and it always amazes me how the other cleaners can just talk about absolutely any old rubbish esp at that time in a morning. It bores me senseless and I just get on with my work. I don't care anymore if people like me or not. I do these kinds of jobs because you can choose whether you have social interaction or not. I know I deserve better and I've been told I should be doing something better with my life and earning a better wage but I know I wouldn't thrive in an environment which required me to talk s*** all day. That would completely drain me to the point of exhaustion!