Overcoming social anxiety?

[mars]

Hi everyone,

I have been frequenting this forum every now and then for a while, and though I have been meaning to make a post like this for some time, It has taken me a while to get round to it (a common theme for me)
I was going to ask generally about how people who have been able to turn their lives around managed it, but I guess what I really want to ask is there anyone in a similar position to me that has been able to overcome their social anxiety in adult life?

I should probably tell you a little about myself as it might make it a little easier for people to respond to this.

I***8217;m 26, I don***8217;t really have a social life to speak of, there are people at work who I am friendly with, but it***8217;s more of a good relationship between colleagues rather than something you could call a friendship. Outside of work I don***8217;t really have any friends, I don***8217;t have a taste for alcohol and I lead a fairly isolated life

I can imagine that if you actually have some friends, or are young enough to know that there are big events/changes still to come in life (like college/university) that there may be opportunities to change your life for the better, but when those events have passed you by without having much to show for it, and your basically starting from square one, I struggle to see (for me at least) if it***8217;s even possible to turn your life around and have a more meaningful existence.

Apologies for making what might be a somewhat depressing post

[i_like_mittens]

I'm probably not the best person to answer seeing as I haven't turned my life around yet... but I am in a very similar situation to yours... and I think it's definitely still possible to turn your life around. I'm 26 also and though I tend to feel like I'm too old for everything, if we think logically 26 is still ridiculously young. We still have time to do anything we want.

There are ways other than college and uni. It's about breaking our routine and doing things we are not used to and doing the things we've always wanted to do but are too scared etc. For example I was thinking of taking evening art classes so I can meet people, learn new things and maybe get inspired/motivated. It would also force me to be out during the evening instead of going straight home from work... it would teach me to be less reclusive for a start. Well, evening classes are just one example.

There are things we can do to turn our lives around, the question is do we have the courage to do it? And my problem is that often I find that I don't. :rolleyes:

[kellybean]

Hi Mars,

You are not alone..I am in practically the same boat as you. I am not really a drinker, I enjoy my own company, I didn't go to university and I am happiest when I am just left to do my own thing. I am dreading the run up to Christmas as we have a lot of social events planned for work, and the thought of having to make conversation with doctors and other 'professional' colleagues just fills me with fear - it feels like I am from a different planet to them! I went out with a few friends last night - I have been friends with them since the age of 5, and yet all through the night and this morning I have found myself, as usual, analysing everything I said (or didn't say). They don't know about my social anxiety so they probably just think I am an awkward conversationalist. When we were at school I was shy, but not this bad!

To try and start to solve my problem I booked myself on a first aid course the other day (knowing that I have a useful qualification helps my self esteem), which was not nearly as bad as I though it would be, and I am planning to do some volunteer work - I am really interested in joining St Johns Ambulance and that sort of thing. Is there anything that you are interested in that you could do? I know it's the most daunting thing ever, which is why I keep putting it off, but I figured that if I could find something that I was interested in, it's a starting point for a conversation at least as others there will be at least interested in the same thing.

Don't apologise for making what you think is a depressing post. It's helpful for me at least to know that I'm not the only one in that situation. I should apologise as I go off on a waffle
I hope you manage to find some positive things to help you.
Kelly

[xTKsaucex]

Originally Posted by mars

Hi everyone,
I can imagine that if you actually have some friends, or are young enough to know that there are big events/changes still to come in life (like college/university) that there may be opportunities to change your life for the better, but when those events have passed you by without having much to show for it
Apologies for making what might be a somewhat depressing post

think most people are wondering what they could have done differently as well - I know i am at age 18 looking back at what ive done in the mean time since first school. Ive got Uni propects coming up in the next year or so but you say that opportunities passed you by at uni. So what would you have done differently if you could go back as am trying to think ahead in solving some problems as well.

[WalkinTall]

Hi and welcome

I know exactly where you are coming from. I have recently turned 27 and have been feeling the same way for a couple of years. I think it is a combination of the regret of missing out on certain things in life, the realization that your youth is over (although we are still young) and seeing other people of your own age getting on with life and enjoying it.

I was close to going back to University this year but decided against it in the end as I felt "past it". This is quite ridiculous really but its how I felt. I still believe there are opportunities no matter what age you are you just have to make your mind up to go out there and find them and then pursue them (easier said than done!)

I struggle to stay motivated in life but I always try to believe that happiness is just around the corner. Sometimes it is impossible to feel that way, especially when you are depressed, but just keeping on no matter what is my way of handling it. Also coming to terms with the fact that we can't change our past no matter what helps. Theres just no point in thinking about it.

Not the most constructive advice I know but I understand how you are feeling.

[mars]

Thanks for the replies everyone

Originally Posted by kellybean

To try and start to solve my problem I booked myself on a first aid course the other day (knowing that I have a useful qualification helps my self esteem), which was not nearly as bad as I though it would be, and I am planning to do some volunteer work - I am really interested in joining St Johns Ambulance and that sort of thing. Is there anything that you are interested in that you could do? I know it's the most daunting thing ever, which is why I keep putting it off, but I figured that if I could find something that I was interested in, it's a starting point for a conversation at least as others there will be at least interested in the same thing.

Well I had been thinking about joining a gym (not a very social experience I know) but I had managed to damage my knees a couple of months back and I’m not sure they are 100% recovered yet, consequently I don’t really want to hand over the membership fees until I’m pretty sure they are ok, I had also been thinking about taking some cookery lessons, though I was planning on saving that until I moved out (I have the misfortune of still living at home) assuming I can find a place of my own that is affordable. I imagine that the emptiness of living alone will probably hit me and I think I’ll be more motivated and incentivised to sign up for some cookery courses then.

Originally Posted by xTKsaucex

what would you have done differently if you could go back as am trying to think ahead in solving some problems as well.

Hmmm, this question isn’t entirely straight forward, as much as there are things you do have control over there are always other things that you don’t. I guess really for me it would be more a case of being a different person rather than making different decisions, as even knowing what I know now I’m not sure I would be able to do things all that differently. When I was at secondary school I was one of the smarter kids academically, but when it came to adolescence it all came late for me and to save myself from embarrassment I shied away from involving myself with member of the opposite sex and all of the other more adult things that teenagers do, and really, I’ve been doing the same thing ever since. When I got to 15-16 I started to get acne which wasn’t all that bad at the time, especially as the same could be said for other people of my age, by the time I got to college the acne was getting worse, but again it wasn’t all that uncommon, and by the time uni came around – again the acne was getting worse but by then there was hardly anybody else that had bad acne, to cut a long story short I went to see my gp about the acne in 2003, a couple of years later and after jumping through various nhs hoops I finally got to the last and most powerful drug for acne which did work, but it wasn’t until 2007 that it had been vanquished. I lived at home when I was at uni (It all came too soon for me and the prospect of leaving home was really quite daunting) and now looking back I wish I had moved away from home, as I know that sort of experience helps to make you grow as a person. Though that might not have prevented me from being such a recluse, because of the acne I loathed to go out unless it was necessary. When I was at uni I do remember coming across something about SA but I was quite dismissive about it at the time, thinking that as soon as the acne went I would be ok. Sadly that was not the case.

The only other piece of advice I can offer (and it may not apply to you) when I was at college I had some friends and one of them lived relatively close to me so we got the same bus home, after college he generally wanted to hang out, but for me spending the whole day at college with people was all the socialising I needed and I generally wanted time alone. When I look back I now realise that the problem with this is that those kinds of friendships will only last as long as you are at college, if you can’t/won’t socialise with people outside of a work/education environment those relationships aren’t going to last. It was a bad habit (that continued after college), the consequences of which I only became aware of now it's too late.

Originally Posted by WalkinTall

Hi and welcome

I know exactly where you are coming from. I have recently turned 27 and have been feeling the same way for a couple of years. I think it is a combination of the regret of missing out on certain things in life, the realization that your youth is over (although we are still young) and seeing other people of your own age getting on with life and enjoying it.

I was close to going back to University this year but decided against it in the end as I felt "past it". This is quite ridiculous really but its how I felt. I still believe there are opportunities no matter what age you are you just have to make your mind up to go out there and find them and then pursue them (easier said than done!)

Yeah I can relate to that, a year or two ago I wasn’t overly concerned at how my life was turning out, but now it feels like I’m running out of time and if things don’t start to change soon I’ll be stuck like this forever, and I’m not too sure that’s going to be a life that’s worth living.

I too have been thinking about going back to uni, though more from a career change point of view (though I do wonder if it’s me just being dreamy and idealistic, it might just be a - grass is always greener on the other side thing), I don’t think my age would stop me from going back, but for me it’s mostly a question of finances, it’s why I play the lottery


The one thing that does scare me when I think about it is that friendships are usually fostered out of longevity, and I struggle to think what I could do with my life that would allow me to get to know other people over an extended period of time. I overheard some people at work talking a couple of weeks back saying how once you become an adult you don’t really make all that many new friends and you are unlikely to add people to your circle of friends once you are content with what you have and have less free time available. The scary thing is I can understand where they are coming from and I know if I were them I’d probably think the same way too.

[Rae]

Yes change is definitely possible! At 26 I was terribly ill with a physical illness called Fibromyalgia, I was severely anxious and depressed and my social life, well I didn't have one. At 31 I have gotten over my illness, have mild depressive episodes and have mild 2 moderate anxiety. I do voluntary work am in my 2nd yr of college and do a creative writing workshop and have made some lovely new friends in the last 6 months. My life is getting better all the time, my confidence is growing and my depression and anxiety are improving. I would never have believed that I could have come this far in such a short space of time, but i have! 26 is still so young. I embrace my 30s as it signifies a new chapter in my life. Most people do have different experiences than we do by a certain age, but our experiences make us unique and valuable in a whole new way. I am only the person I am because of the hell that I have been through and can honestly say that I am grateful for these experiences because I like who I am. Now that I am into a significant part of my recovery I have a new appreciation, outlook and enjoyment for life. Things have never been this good and it's all started for me in my 30s, so it's never too late to start a new life for yourself. I have some way to go, but have no doubt that I will make it. Life can start at any age and if I was 95 and did this, and died at 96, then I would know I had a year where I gave it my all.

[mars]

I’m glad to hear things are going well for you

[HiddenAway]

This is a great thread. Mars you ask very good questions without being unrealistic and hopeless! My biggest life changing moments have been the things where I decide to "take a leap". But otherwise its very tempting to let your mind wander into the "what if this never changes" mode. I think its all about choices. When we realize how much freedom we have, and that we have a right to have it, we can move forward and our lives can change.