I don't think I meet the minimum standard needed to be a normal person

[Sunrise]

I don't know how else to word it, but it feels like there's a level you need to already be at if you want to make any sort of progress.

I feel like I'm way below that level. A lot of advice I read seems to be aimed at people who are already at a much more advanced level to me.

A lot of my experiences seem to be a very different to the norm. My experiences when it comes to trying to make friends or form relationships are bizarre, I just don't hear about others who have experienced similar. A lot of the supposedly good advice I've been given has been disastrous when I've attempted it. Other people don't seem to get the same extreme reactions I get.

I don't get what's wrong with me really. People with much more serious conditions than me seem to be a lot better at navigating their way through life. Maybe I am just a really awful person but I don't realise it. It's not normal to get as many negative reactions as I get. Other people seem able to succeed by doing the same things I've failed at.

[choirgirl]

I certainly don't.

[biscuits]

Sometimes the issue arises around who you are asking for advice. People who can't relate or empathise will give advice based on their experiences and how they navigate the social world. It's hard to take yourself out of yourself and imagine how someone else might experience your recommended steps to move forward.

Even some qualified professionals find this hard. That's why they tend not to give advice and try to "train" people to develop the skills to be able to navigate the world for themself.

Most of the time people give advice as best they can based on what has worked for them or other people they know. It might not be applicable in another person's situation but it's kind to try to offer it.

So perhaps the way forward is to speak to a professional to see if they can support. Most of the time change is needed to help us to meet different people. So maybe thinking about how you could do this. It's good to time seeing a professional with a period of change, so they can guide you through it all. So maybe you could register to volunteer on a project where you'll be working along side other people, or starting up a course. Then they can guide you through that.

It's really hard to be open to new experiences when past experiences felt like negative experiences. If all you've ever faced is rejection or negativity then that really clouds our ability to be open to new experiences because it feels like it will go how it always goes. A lot of people find it hard to see that in others - that the way they see the world is based on the cruelty they've experienced.

I find it helpful to see the barriers that hold be back as separate to me as a person. They're things I need to push though or learn to push through from experiences. Some experiences will be (in my perception) a bit of a flop. That's natural. Some will be excellent.

Sorry this is waffly.

[Amara 94]

Originally Posted by Sunrise

I don't know how else to word it, but it feels like there's a level you need to already be at if you want to make any sort of progress.

I feel like I'm way below that level. A lot of advice I read seems to be aimed at people who are already at a much more advanced level to me.

A lot of my experiences seem to be a very different to the norm. My experiences when it comes to trying to make friends or form relationships are bizarre, I just don't hear about others who have experienced similar. A lot of the supposedly good advice I've been given has been disastrous when I've attempted it. Other people don't seem to get the same extreme reactions I get.

I don't get what's wrong with me really. People with much more serious conditions than me seem to be a lot better at navigating their way through life. Maybe I am just a really awful person but I don't realise it. It's not normal to get as many negative reactions as I get. Other people seem able to succeed by doing the same things I've failed at.

Have you checked out whether or not you have a neurodivergent condition?

From another recent post, I saw from you but never responded, you seem to measure people.

[Dougella]

Neither do I!

But the thing that matters most is what do you actually want, how do you want to live and what makes you feel content. Because it doesn't matter about anyone else's standards really when it comes down to your own life.

[anxiouslondoner]

TBH the standard for normal person is pretty damn low, as can be observed if you ever go out on a Saturday evening in any large town.
To OP, I think you either have a very harsh opinion of yourself or a very high opinion of other people, or both.
You never really seem to say what it is about yourself that you hate so much. If it's something you can change, work on it. If not, just accept it. Is it harming others? If not, why let it distress you.

[Sunrise]

Originally Posted by Amara 94

Have you checked out whether or not you have a neurodivergent condition?

From another recent post, I saw from you but never responded, you seem to measure people.

I have BPD, not sure if that counts as neurodivergent or not? It does make me see the world differently. I don't really like the word tbh, too much of an umbrella term.

Not sure what "measuring people" means? I judge people by their actions and the way they treat others.

The whole idea of me is what I hate. I find it difficult to think of practical steps I can put in place to make specific changes.

[Suncloud]

I relate a lot to how you feel . You are not alone in feeling that way. I wish I could offer you some advice but I'm struggling with this a lot myself.

[Hopeforme]

Hi Sunrise.

"The whole idea of me is what I hate". Yes can relate. I think working on toxic shame and practicing self-love and self-compassion would be good. We do really need to love ourselves but I don't know how admittedly. I've heard this advice and used to say "F off with your new age stuff" but I have seen they really are right about it. It's certainly a part of a good mental state and life, although I don't think its an outright cure for social anxiety.

One thing I started doing yesterday with being mindful. Noticing when my mind wondered from a task, bring it back but crucially without judgment and self-criticism. If you do end up doing that then don't judge that, notice it and come back.

I noticed just a tiny feeling of not beating myself up and another nicer emotion that I couldn't really label. Maybe it is a start of a way to be a bit nicer and then more advanced things down the line.

[choirgirl]

That first line sounds positive, Dean. Nice to get there before you're too aged, I think.