Not feeling too great

[blancmange]

I just felt the need to write this post, kinda like word vomit.

I'm thinking of restarting antidepressants but I'm not sure how to go about it, because I really hate how they make me feel.
Since covid really, I've been getting lower and lower. I feel I'm close to rock bottom, with more and more sh thoughts and suicidal ideation. I've lost all interest in anything I once enjoyed, even talking to online friends has become difficult and I've lost contact with quite a few.
Every night I'm crying myself to sleep. I'm having intrusive thoughts everyday about losing my dog because he's getting older. I cry so much over it. As well as going through a difficult time with debts. My sleep is so bad, I'm constantly worrying when I switch everything off.
I feel increasingly anxious about my downstairs neighbours as they argue so much and it's been triggering my ptsd from childhood, so I don't even feel able to relax.
My exposure work has mainly reverted back to not going out at all. The things I felt able to do at the beginning of the year feel impossible. Going back to being basically housebound is so hard, I feel like all the work I've done is lost.
I haven't seen much of my therapist during this, and a few weeks ago she told me she's leaving and so I've been referred to someone else. I'm dreading the new sessions as it takes me so long to even speak to new people. I'm basically mute in these situations...for months!
Also my cpn hasn't been around much (she's always cancelling). But when I did mention starting medication again, she said just to restart the ones I have left. (Fluoxetine and Pregabalin) I don't want to. I feel they weren't much help and I actually felt worse on them. Another issue is I'm so forgetful at taking medication, I've tried so many things but I regularly missed days, which of course made me feel worse. I honestly feel like the last round of meds have left me feeling constantly tired and extremely forgetful, as well as other side effects.

Either way it's looking like I'm going to have to start or restart meds.
I'm really at a loss.
Does anyone have advice on the meds situation or the intrusive thoughts?

So yes, I apologise for this word vomit/rant. I'm a tad embarrassed by it all. I'm tempted to send this to my cpn, leaving out the bitching about her bit ha!

[alpha]

Hi Dimplesxo, I can relate somewhat to what you're saying about feeling lower and lower since the Covid restrictions started in Match.

I don't think fluoxetine is a very strong anti-depressant and pregabalin isn't really even an anti-depressant at all. I think that if you restart fluoxetine without speaking to a doctor you might then have to taper off of it or wait a number of days until they let you try something else. Personally I would just try and speak to a doctor ASAP, there's plenty of other anti-depressants out there.

I have a dog who is getting old too (she's about 13, don't know exactly because she's a rescue dog). I worry about her a lot and I know she could well only have another couple of years to live. I don't know, I just try to accept it as part of the natural cycle of life and death that applies to everything. And that helps a bit. But I know I will still be distraught when she eventually goes.

[blancmange]

Hi alpha,

I'm really sorry to hear you can relate to that, it's such a difficult time for everyone really, let alone with added mental health issues, right?

Oh I haven't heard that, but I had a few increases as I felt no change during the time I was taking them. I've tried a couple over the years, citalopram, sertraline and another that I've forgotten. My head psychiatrist would be the one I'd have to go to for a new prescription, unfortunately. Which is a whole other ordeal.

I think losing the family dog last year has really triggered these thoughts about losing him and having to experience that horrific pain again. I know it may sound silly to some, but he is literally my life. I've had people say it's things like it's the circle of life, you have to accept these things etc. But I don't think like that.
I'm not sure how to rid the obsessive thinking about it. It's horrible.

[Mellie]

Hi , sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I relate to most meds making me feel worse. I struggle with intrusive thoughts too. I'm sorry you are in debt , could you get help with that? I think mental health team are really busy at the moment. I haven't heard from my new cpn yet and it also takes me ages to get used to people too. Mental health team have given up on me yet again....

Have you tried venlafaxine before? that helps reduce my intrusive thinking, but not helped much with motivation. Take care of yourself.

[Utopia]

Hi Dimples, you can always try another antidepressant - for me Fluoxetine wasn't great for the physical anxiety symptoms, but the one I'm on now (Duloxetine) has helped with the only side effects being a sensation of having just eaten, and feeling like I've had a small amount of alcohol, as well as some sexual side effects which are likely different in females anyway. Do you remember if you felt better on them? For me they helped obsessive thoughts and catastrophising things - they have likely stopped me committing suicide tbh. If they help then you may as well take them as you would any other medication.

With regards to losing a loved one... tbh I know it's difficult but death is something we all have to deal with really - we all lose loved ones at some point. I'm not saying it's easy, but you are not alone there.

For me the intensity of emotions just die down over time and things I felt like committing suicide over years ago honestly barely effect me anymore.

For you I guess it's more about mindset, if medication doesn't help. Just trying to think what else I could suggest, I mean I'm not you, with your problems and personality etc. but I do empathise, and I think well if I don't give up then it's not fair that others who feel too far gone were to give up also. Don't give up.

[blancmange]

Originally Posted by Harry Mason

I am very sorry to hear that, Dimples. You always been such a nice person. I thought that your things actually got better and it's sad to hear about what is going on in your life. Just don't give up.

Thank you so much for this Harry Mason

Originally Posted by No Longer Human

I can't offer any sound advice on anti depressants, having always avoided them. Hopefully others can. I'm sorry to hear though you're struggling so with so many things. Feel free to whatsap me if you need to vent, though admittedly I'm fairly useless myself these days with such things.

Thanks No Longer Human, you'll probably regret offering to let me vent to you

Originally Posted by Mellie

Hi , sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I relate to most meds making me feel worse. I struggle with intrusive thoughts too. I'm sorry you are in debt , could you get help with that? I think mental health team are really busy at the moment. I haven't heard from my new cpn yet and it also takes me ages to get used to people too. Mental health team have given up on me yet again....

Have you tried venlafaxine before? that helps reduce my intrusive thinking, but not helped much with motivation. Take care of yourself.

Thanks Mellie, sorry to hear you're also struggling with the intrusive thoughts
I don't have much help tbh, I'm lucky to have my mum though and we may look into contacting citizen advice to see if I have anymore options.
Oh damn, that's annoying you haven't heard from the new cpn yet, hopefully that happens soon for you, I'm sure it's as you say, busy times.

I haven't tried that actually, Thanks, I'll try.

Originally Posted by Nanuq

sorry to hear you're struggling so much, Dimples

My life has shrunk right down too, I was looking into doing some volunteering with the riding for the disabled before lockdown, just to get me out mixing with people, but instead I don't really go out at all now except for dog walks and occasionally the shops. It has such a negative effect on mental health and I think if you're naturally sociable then you probably are coping better by having lots of phone calls and socially distanced meetings with friends, but if you're already quite isolated then not being able to do the things that work towards a fuller life is really tough.

I found it comforting to read that pandemics generally last around 18 months or so. It will pass It's not 'the new normal' and we flippin will get through it. In the meanwhile I am trying to just make things as pleasant as possible, like putting fairy lights up, buying treats, binge watching gogglebox, buying more books than I normally would to cheer myself up. Hang on in there, it will get better x
Just to add, Dimples, I really understand how you're feeling about your dog. My beautiful dog passed away last February and it was devastating. I do still miss her, she was my best friend, but somehow you do cope.

Thank you so much Nanuq Sometimes I feel like such a selfish person for worrying over what I'm going through when I know how difficult it is for the majority of people right now.
I'm glad to hear you're still going for the odd dog walk and shopping, I've been pushing myself to go for dog walks but I can only do private places again.

I'm so sorry for your loss also, they become members of the family don't they? Does the pain ease? I find myself rarely being able to talk about her with the family.

Originally Posted by Utopia

Hi Dimples, you can always try another antidepressant - for me Fluoxetine wasn't great for the physical anxiety symptoms, but the one I'm on now (Duloxetine) has helped with the only side effects being a sensation of having just eaten, and feeling like I've had a small amount of alcohol, as well as some sexual side effects which are likely different in females anyway. Do you remember if you felt better on them? For me they helped obsessive thoughts and catastrophising things - they have likely stopped me committing suicide tbh. If they help then you may as well take them as you would any other medication.

With regards to losing a loved one... tbh I know it's difficult but death is something we all have to deal with really - we all lose loved ones at some point. I'm not saying it's easy, but you are not alone there.

For me the intensity of emotions just die down over time and things I felt like committing suicide over years ago honestly barely effect me anymore.

For you I guess it's more about mindset, if medication doesn't help. Just trying to think what else I could suggest, I mean I'm not you, with your problems and personality etc. but I do empathise, and I think well if I don't give up then it's not fair that others who feel too far gone were to give up also. Don't give up.

Thanks Utopia, no I don't think the fluoxetine helped at all. The citalopram did for a bit, but I think I was in more of a positive headspace to begin with.

[blancmange]

I'm also really sorry to the person who gave some really good ideas for distraction methods, I did see your post before it vanished

[Utopia]

^ Yeah I think sertraline or duloxetine would be calming for you tbh Dimples.

I think you can find a way forward no problem, you just need to talk about it with a doctor.

[gregarious_introvert]

I don't have much to add to what's been said already, but I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Dimples; I wish I could offer more constructive advice, but I have no experience of medication. I know, from my agoraphobic episodes, that being confined in a small space just allows more time for those intrusive thoughts to take hold, but also that it's not as simple as "getting out more". Try to live in the moment and not think about the future (again, not simple) and concentrate on anything you can do which brings you pleasure.

For me, travel has changed my life over the past four or five years, but I know that you're not in a position to do that; all I can really say is that you know where to find me if you need me - to vent, moan or whatever else you need to do.

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[genovese]

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way dimples.
The other meds may not have had a positive effect, it's just a case of finding the right one that works for you. A bit of trial and error as you've already done.
But also, and importantly, takin em regular. If as you say, you're a bit of a scatty dimples, then maybe put the box of meds by the tins of dog food. You feed the pooch every day right, so this way you get a reminder for your feed too, woof!

Your GP may have an email option at the mo for triaging appointments. You could basically write what you put in your first post. Get it all out in an email to the GP so you don't have the stress of doing it over the phone or zoom and having to remember every little detail.

Pursue the CAB option. They will definitely be able to help or offer a phone number or website of an alternative place that can help sort it out for you.

And definitely pursue NLH's & GI's offer of ranting to them on text!
You can text me but I'm a bit more expensive and there's a waiting list

[Chess&Junkfood]

I'm also sorry to hear this, Dimples. I did try writing a post previously, but I didn't feel I could add much more to what has already been mentioned. But I still wanted you to know that I think you come across as such a nice person on the forum! So please take care of yourself and reach out for support when you need to

[3stacks]

Sometimes it is trial and error with antidepressants, feel like I've tried the majority of them at this point! Got an app on my phone that reminds you to take them everyday. It's called mytherapy. I've been getting the same intrusive thoughts about my dog too they're horrible! Sorry you're getting them. Always here if you need to vent or anything!

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