Excuses for not attending Christmas night out

[sillypenguin]

It's that time of year again!!

So basically I agreed to go on the works Christmas night out next week but I don't want to go....even if a tiny part of me kinda does. However, I am a problem drinker which is in most part due to my anxiety. I fear social situations but instead of avoiding them completely I drink until I'm numb and therefore not afraid. However drink also messes me up to the point of paranoia so I tend to act very emotional and irrational and make a total fool of myself.

So yeah, drink is not my friend.

I could just not drink, but that probably won't happen either.

People have been asking me it I'm going and I've started telling them that I can't now but I end up being interigated about it. Thing is, it would be so much better for everyone if I don't go.

Does anyone feel that they have to make up excuses for not going to these night outs or do you just say 'maybe' then just not show up? Was thinking maybe I should just play along and last minute say I'm unwell. Like I really should be bothering tbh. I hate anxiety

[Mikei]

Urgh, "The Christmas Party", I'm an avoider, the last time I went to one was after counselling and attending a local SA group which made me feel I could handle it, but it made me more miserable that my pre-SA-awareness avoidance would ever allow.

[Eralc]

I try to go to them if only to eat the food and talk with a couple of people but the dancing afterwards is where I draw the line. I find it all very stressful and often have to leave early sometimes without saying goodbye.

I know what you mean about the drinking though - that's been my downfall too. Plus people seem to remember it too as I act completely out of character...

I still don't know how people can flit from one person to another when I can't even hear what people are saying. Plus offering to buy people drinks - what if you leave someone out? And the dreaded group selfie on Facebook - everyone looks so happy but I just look like a rabbit in headlights!

[AnnieLu]

I'd go with the yes I'm going! Then unfortunately come down with a migraine or something that afternoon.

I'm actually sad I don't have a Christmas party to go to this year, I feel like it's something I could do and would like to get swept up in social festivities with work friends. But I have no job and therefore no work friends or party invite

[Silent Treatment]

I've got mine on Friday...dreading being sat with people I don't know or get on with...I'm probably ok at doing the meal part of the evening as it's more formal!..However when everyone goes on a pub crawl later it becomes more of a free for al,l and I really can't cope at all..might just slink out of the first pub we go to while no-ones looking..even if people actually notice I've gone, they won't exactly mind to be honest!

[citizen_erased]

I usually attend our work's Christmas do, which is normally a sit-down meal, but this year I'm seriously considering not going, partly cos I'm not familiar with the restaurant it's being held at this year and after looking at the menu online I'm not sure that much of it appeals to me, but also cos at least one of few people I'm comfortable sitting with for the whole evening isn't coming and i really don't want to be there if I'll have no-one to talk to.

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[sillypenguin]

Sounds like your work colleagues are considerate enough to consider a meal as part of the night out, my work have arranged a drinks only event meh. So I don't even have the excuse I could stay for dinner. It's not really ideal as I know some people I work with don't drink and therefore may not go due to that. My excuse is more to avoid ongoing embarrassment and shame lol

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[umm]

Just go, drink slowly, and then when you feel the drink or the tension becoming a problem, invent some excuse (possibly a pre-planned one), wish everyone a merry Xmas and shoot off at some natural break (eg the end of the meal) to go crazy in private. That way you a. attend, and check that "being seen" box; b. leave before it gets messy or uncomfortable; c. give the illusion of possibly having some other busy life bits to attend to and d. don't have anyone actually see you at your worst. Win-win

[Metal Goat]

I've got mine next week. I enjoy going out and people there are my friends but I have the same problem with the drinking thing. Me not drinking at all isn't going to happen. I am gonna have to pray that I have some self control and don't go too crazy. Problem is that often the reason I embarrass myself is BECAUSE im so worried about embarrassing myself. I become emotional and needy and say stupid stuff and seek reassurance. I'm a crier when drunk. I also have this tendency to reveal way too much personal information. It's bad enough being a mess on nights out with my friends but I'm terrified of doing it in front of all the staff. They want to go to a bar afterwards. That will be my downfall. If I can just go to the work do bit then go home then all will be good. I can already see myself though, on the night, all like "woo! More drinks!"

[Hayman]

Our works' Christmas Party was last weekend. I wasn't even invited. I can't say I'm overly bothered because to be, that was one less piece of stress to deal with. I wouldn't have gone anyway… I've been to the previous five (I've been with the company for just over six years) and I can truthfully say, I've not enjoyed any of them. I'm usually snubbed out of conversations, ignored when I try to start any, insulted/joked about when I am given some sort of attention and all of them have been a logistical nightmare.

Spending time with work colleagues outside of work, to me at least, feels like nothing other than unpaid overtime. I don't 'get it'.

I don't want to sound nasty towards them, but let's just say they're very critical of me and I've been more honest with them for around 18 months with regards to Social Anxiety. Sadly, they've taken the attitude that it's all my fault if I don't immediately want to push myself into situations that even more extroverted people would baulk at.

Over the past twelve to eighteen months, I really have put in a lot of effort to improve myself and whilst I know I've taken a step or two forwards in myself, I've not even made so much as a dint when it comes to being shown a little more respect by others – hence a lot of the reason why I have Social Anxiety in the first place… This year, I've not turned down any offers to go out and still, I'm told I have to do even more… Sorry, but the line has got to be drawn somewhere. Show me some perks and privileges which are granted to others for going out and I'll consider continuing making further effort as it'll give me motivation and a goal to aim towards – just like other people.

Originally Posted by umm

Just go, drink slowly, and then when you feel the drink or the tension becoming a problem, invent some excuse (possibly a pre-planned one), wish everyone a merry Xmas and shoot off at some natural break (eg the end of the meal) to go crazy in private. That way you a. attend, and check that "being seen" box; b. leave before it gets messy or uncomfortable; c. give the illusion of possibly having some other busy life bits to attend to and d. don't have anyone actually see you at your worst. Win-win

Agreed entirely. Whenever I go out, I always drink slowly but unfortunately, always get joked about because of it. I don't have to throw multiple pints down my neck each hour, every hour to have a good time. I can quite happily drink two or three over the course of an entire evening. I know what my limits are and I almost always stick to them.

The first Christmas Party I attended was similar to what you said. I met them in a city-centre pub. They all saw me. I had two bottles of larger. They wanted to move onto another place and it was at this point I left. I had already pre-planned the excuse. I was attending another Christmas Party that evening and I was double-booked. I was probed as to who with and why. I told them it was my father's work's party and that I knew the staff well. The latter wasn't actually a lie. I did used to know them very well and it's plausible I could have been invited. The fabrication was that his party was on the same evening... It wasn't. It was a week later.

[sillypenguin]

Originally Posted by Isabelle Lightwood

I've got mine next week. I enjoy going out and people there are my friends but I have the same problem with the drinking thing. Me not drinking at all isn't going to happen. I am gonna have to pray that I have some self control and don't go too crazy. Problem is that often the reason I embarrass myself is BECAUSE im so worried about embarrassing myself. I become emotional and needy and say stupid stuff and seek reassurance. I'm a crier when drunk. I also have this tendency to reveal way too much personal information. It's bad enough being a mess on nights out with my friends but I'm terrified of doing it in front of all the staff. They want to go to a bar afterwards. That will be my downfall. If I can just go to the work do bit then go home then all will be good. I can already see myself though, on the night, all like "woo! More drinks!"

You sound exactly like me lol. I'll go and start off drinking sensibly, then somehow between then and a couple of hours later ill prob be on top of the bar necking shots. Then 10 mins later crying about something completely stupid and irrelevant. Then sometime later I've passed out in the toilet cubical haha.

Self control is def my issue. I'm actually fine when on nights in, but nights out im a mess. Prob why I'm never out anymore, but same time it's annoying having to avoid anywhere that sells alcohol just because I have issues.

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[Mr. Nobody]

trouble with nights out is it's good for your confidence and gives you a boost if you do manage it,
but it can be very hit & miss whether it goes well or not, so it's taking a chance,

having SA, you have to make tons of effort and endure lots of stress, so it's often seen as 'not worth the effort' in the long run

but then, not going to stuff could send your self-confidence back down low again,

over-thinking things is usually the problem for me,
and then, if I have accepted an invitation, later on I'm usually like "oh crap, what have I just agreed to?"

as for excuses,. there's millions of them,. that's not really an issue,
lying to people though, is going to bring down your confidence.

[Indigo_]

I don't even bother to lie and make something up any more. Everyone has now realised that I 'never go out' and I become the subject of conversation around the staff table whilst I'm trying to eat my lunch. I'd be perfectly happy if they excluded me from all social activities and just didn't try to get me to come along to things.

As you can probably tell, my work Christmas do is in about two and a half weeks and I'm crabby about it

[Chocolate Chin]

Tell them you have explosive diarrhea. No one likes talking about explosive diarrhea.

[hollowone]

What is it you fear most of all about work do's? If you didnlt feel comfortable, it's prolly best to state it up front.

• What do I say to people
• What if people ask me about my social like
• What about being expected to know lyrics of songs if I get forced into kareoke.

About drinking, do you fear people noticing the speed of drinking? This is not to be worried about at all.

Why can't people stop making a song and dance about Christmas? Why does everything have to be so high power? Couldn't something more simple, say a skittles night be organised?

sillypenguin, can you state what makes not drinking in that situation painful?

Take your time, it's a hard thing to put your finger on.

What I'm also picking up is an element of you beating yourself up. you didn't want to go but agreed against your will because you

• didn't know how to say 'no'[/U] to the request. Maybe you feared that who invited you would be offended?

I don't know the situation.

[newbs16]

Originally Posted by Tiger_Lily

I don't even bother to lie and make something up any more. Everyone has now realised that I 'never go out' and I become the subject of conversation around the staff table whilst I'm trying to eat my lunch. I'd be perfectly happy if they excluded me from all social activities and just didn't try to get me to come along to things.

As you can probably tell, my work Christmas do is in about two and a half weeks and I'm crabby about it

Are you going to attend?

[newbs16]

If you're anything like me I hate going out but once it's out of the way I realise that it wasn't too bad and I may have enjoyed myself. I hope you go.

If you really don't want to attend, I would say you have a family engagement and are unable to attend, least you won't worry about it and could change your mind if you wanted to.

[Silent Treatment]

^ I agree..i enjoyed mine last night...the music was so loud in the club that no- one bothered to speak to anybody anyway..but everyone was in a good mood..annoyed my mother though..woke her up at 4 this morning complaining that I couldn't find my phone!!

[Rachel87]

I just say I'm too lazy and can't be bothered, ha. I used to go in the past when we had a better group of people, but it's not the same now most of them have left. Plus, I tend to overdrink at these things which doesn't always end well..!

[Indigo_]

Originally Posted by newbs16

Are you going to attend?

**** no. They want to go shot bowling before the actual Xmas do itself. Apparently, other people can have my shots

Some of the worst experiences anxiety wise are ones I've had on staff nights out. I'm sure this won't be the OP's case but I'm not prepared to put myself through stuff like that any more when I don't want to go in the first place.

[Spider22324]

In all of my jobs, I have NEVER attended ANY kind of social gathering organised by my work. Not once. I simply refuse to go to them. For the third year in a row, I've refused to go to my current workplace's Christmas lunch, for the exact same reasons. This year, quite a few people were disappointed when I told them I didn't fancy going, but I told a couple of them that I have anxiety. If you're interested in finding out more, view this thread that I created.

[Hayman]

Originally Posted by hollowone

• What do I say to people
• What if people ask me about my social like
• What about being expected to know lyrics of songs if I get forced into kareoke.

About drinking, do you fear people noticing the speed of drinking? This is not to be worried about at all.

I can relate to pretty much all of this. I don't know what to say to people because I really don't have anything to talk about as nothing ever happens in my life, regardless of what changes I try to implement. My life stalled when I got to about 15/16 years old and that was that... Barring having a job and a driving licence, absolutely nothing has happened since... I just 'exist'. It makes for awkward conversation, especially if anyone begins to probe on such matters because they never understand and that's when all the jokes come flooding in...

I don't have a huge amount of interest in music. I know tunes, but in terms of lyrics, I coudn't name some of the lyrics in even the songs I really like. I've been picked up on this more times than I care to remember and in topics about music, I'm always asked to name the artist on a tune that comes on the radio... Why? Just so they can make me feel three inches tall when I can't give them a precise answer in a matter of seconds. I just end up stuttering…and then the laughs begin.

About the speed of drinking - I'm always asked why haven't I drunk mine yet and I'm always encouraged to drink faster. Sorry, but I can't knock down a pint in two seconds flat. I can usually make it last 20 minutes. If not more. So what?! I'm not bothered, but clearly other people are... I notice they don’t pick up on any other slow drinker. It really is only me…

Originally Posted by Spider22324

In all of my jobs, I have NEVER attended ANY kind of social gathering organised by my work. Not once. I simply refuse to go to them. For the third year in a row, I've refused to go to my current workplace's Christmas lunch, for the exact same reasons.

I'm proud of you! I wish I could simply refuse to go! I don't have the guts most of the time.

[sillypenguin]

So it turned out my works night out started earlier than I thought on Friday, so I went for a full 1 hour to show face after work haha! I felt kind of awkward and actually pretty bored as I couldn't really keep up with the convos around me. But least I can say I came and said hi to everyone who was there.

Also I went out on Saturday with friends and ended up feeling much more relaxed and had a better time without getting that drunk....so it can be done! I just feel that I drink more when I feel more socially awkward, but I'm glad I avoided the whole 'Oh crap what did I do last night' feeling the next day!

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[Hayman]

I'm glad you went for a full hour and 'survived'! It's the same with most of us here I'd say – feeling awkward and bored. With my work colleagues, I honestly feel like that after about twenty minutes. Get drinks in from the bar, sit down, say "hi" to everyone and…that’s pretty much it. They all chat away amongst themselves.

If I try and join in, I'm either ridiculed or completely ignored. If I try and start my own topic of conversation, it's either again completely ignored (as if I'm not even there) or it's turned around against me inside a matter of a few minutes. It's really not worth my effort and this is what regular people don't understand… They seem to think it's us that are being difficult when the truth is that we're so heavily stigmatised for not having the quickest of minds that it's actually the regular people who are causing or adding to many of our social issues in the first place…

If I knew I would be treated the same as others or at least understood as to why I am the way I am, I wouldn't have much of an issue going out. Sure, I'd be nervous as anything but at least I wouldn't feel like a lamb heading for the slaughter house every time I approached a venue with my friend or my work colleagues. The only time I don't feel this way when going out is when I'm either completely alone or with direct family. In those cases, you'd struggle to know I have Social Anxiety. Weird, isn't it?!

I tend to find I'm okay after a few pints in terms of relaxing, but that's about my limit. If I go over two (or three, if it's weak on the alcohol percentage), I start feeling worse than I did if I was totally sober and as I've had a few, I know I can go a bit slack-jawed and come close to saying things I'd rather keep close to my chest.

There were rumours that the office staff (myself included in that) were going around to the local pub on our final working day (23rd) for a few drinks. However, that's fallen silent over the last week or so and I've heard no more about it. I already have plans on the evening of the 23rd with my father and brother – so if anything does go ahead, I'll be there for literally a matter of 15/20 minutes or so before I genuinely have to leave. I can handle that. If nothing is mentioned – I won't be going. I'll just walk out after we finish on the 23rd, wish them a Merry Christmas and head for home.

[ExSAguy]

Problem with any work 'do' in my experience, is that inevitably everyone ends up talking about work.
Bleugh

[les]

I stopped having to make excuses some years back, Those that know me know that I have no faith and therefore I don't celebrate any festivals, and my co workers know that I will work late on the night of the office party and I will work the holiday period, it saves them having to miss their family gatherings.

[Between The Bars]

Ye dinnae need an excuse.

AM NO GOING.

[Hayman]

Originally Posted by ExSAguy

Problem with any work 'do' in my experience, is that inevitably everyone ends up talking about work.
Bleugh

True. Our warehouse manager is like that. He'll arrive, buy a drink and I can guarantee the moment his backside is on a chair, the discussion will be about what happened in work over the last few days. He also likes to discuss the colleagues who haven't turned up at the 'do' and generally slate them in their absence. His sense of humour is also amongst the driest I've ever come across during my 15 years in employment, also.

I've been to five, maybe six 'do's' with him now. He's been the same on each and every occasion.

Originally Posted by les

and my co workers know that I will work late on the night of the office party and I will work the holiday period, it saves them having to miss their family gatherings.

Out of the six Christmases I've been with my current employer, I've only ever had one of them off. We work between Christmas and New Year and it's the same old candidates who book it off - leaving the rest of us to basically 'suck it up' and miss out on having a proper break like everyone else.

I'm not one for Christmas or New Year as I have no friends to celebrate it with. If I did, things would probably be different. However, after missing out on all the fun for so many years, I'm now generally resentful of those who have a good time at this time of year. I feel no joy for them.

I enjoy Christmas for the few days off work and the odd drink, but that's really about the only thing I get out of it now.

Sadly, people like us who work over the Christmas period are never any better thought of. We're just 'expected' to do it as we're deemed not as important as those with friends. We're deemed to have no feelings of our own and sorry, we deserve more respect.

[BorrowedMum]

Works Christmas parties erm no! never!
I work all year round with these numpties and have nothing in common with 99.9% of them, apart from the fact that we all do the same job, why would I want to stand around making small talk in an awkward and forced social situation!
A total anxiety inducer if there ever was one!
Sit down meals I can do at a push but ask me to mingle forget it!
Yep I'm a party pooper but better that than having to live with the cringe memories of making a fool of yourself!
For all of those that do go, have a good time, you are braver than me!

[Hayman]

Originally Posted by BorrowedMum

Works Christmas parties erm no! never!
I work all year round with these numpties and have nothing in common with 99.9% of them, apart from the fact that we all do the same job, why would I want to stand around making small talk in an awkward and forced social situation!
A total anxiety inducer if there ever was one!
Sit down meals I can do at a push but ask me to mingle forget it!
Yep I'm a party pooper but better that than having to live with the cringe memories of making a fool of yourself!
For all of those that do go, have a good time, you are braver than me!

I share your thoughts, there! I work with them nine hours (plus) a day, five days a week, all year round. I see considerably more of them than I do my own family. I honestly don't understand why they want to see even more of each other outside of work. It doesn't make any sense to me. When 5pm comes around, I leave the office and that's the last I want to see of them until the next working day… I don't mean that in a nasty or disrespectful way towards them, but they're not family. They're not friends. They're just colleagues.

Any additional time with them, such as meeting up at a pub after work, just feels like unpaid overtime to me. From almost the moment I arrive, I'm ready to go home…

I also know they judge me because of my Social Anxiety. Not in a positive way, either. I have to either do more than extroverted people are comfortable with in social gatherings or face a tidal wave of 'finger-pointing of blame' in my direction. There's no middle ground or understanding. Sadly, this is what I find not only from regular people like my colleagues, but also from medical professionals.

I have no issue with what they want to do in their own time. I just wish they'd share equal respect for me in my own time where I'm happy to go out – just not to overly busy/noisy places or during the middle of the night.