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  #1  
Old 19th January 2021, 22:20
MissKatie MissKatie is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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Default Twenty years ago...

Twenty years ago I joined this site (way to make me feel old lol). I was sixteen years old and in my first ever job. It was also the first time I'd ever had access to regular internet and because I like to analyse things a ton, I spent a lot of time online at work trying to figure ME out. I eventually found this place.

My social anxiety aged 16 was bad. Bad enough I would rather go through suffering of some kind than having to talk to someone. Even the very idea of talking to someone would have me shaking hard and being physically sick.
Then I was thrown into this office environment as I was told by my mother "if you don't get a job, I'm kicking you out" gee...thanks mum.
I hated work. Hated it so much, but this site allowed me to express my frustrations at life and about myself and there was always a relief realising it wasn't just me. It was fairly common to suffer from social anxiety.

As time went by though, I found I used social anxiety and this site as a crutch to say "this is why and I'm not going to change it" and that for me was one of the hardest things to break. Change is tough. Changing social anxiety is especially tough!

But things in life happened, I got another job which I enjoyed which VERY slowly built up a mediocum of confidence, which was just as easily smashed down by what I perceived as a disaster of an incident.
Something happened at work when I was 18 then I won't explain but it led me to having an uncomfortable nickname at work for over a decade.
I hated that nickname as it drew attention to me and what had happened.

Time went by and as I discovered more about myself (realising I'm a lesbian) things got a tiny bit better. I met and spoke to other gay women and some became good friends. I was given the advice to cut people out who treat you bad and don't allow people to do so as by allowing that you are disrespecting yourself. I scoffed because that wasn't me. I was the people pleaser, say jump and I would ask how high (not literally because talking to people was scary).

That advice however stuck with me and after some time it made sense. I really WAS disrespecting myself everytime I was allowing myself to judge myself.
I'm not different to other people, we all have our hopes, dreams and desires along with our fears and despairs.

It's just I was so focused on trying to not be seen that I found myself becoming overly judgemental of others.
I would actively insult (online obvs) people who went clubbing or were sexually promiscuous.
I genuinely felt that what they were going was pointless and stupid and that it was them and their extroversion that was causing me to be picked on and scared.

If I'm honest, it was always me. A major breakthrough came when I accepted that I like me. I can be quite harsh and direct but I'm also kind and caring.
I like computer games and history and silly cooking shows and that's okay. In fact it's more than okay because I enjoy it. If others mocked me for it then they were like how I was before, judging over things I couldn't understand.

Because I had accepted that, I also accepted people who like clubbing etc are not to be judged for their likes either. People are just people who enjoy what they enjoy and are who they are.

That for me was a revelation. It pinged a little switch in my head and I felt more comfortable being around people knowing that even if they did mock me it's because they hold different interests or ethics than I.
It just means that person is much less likely to be someone I want to spend time with as opposed to someone who holds similar interests and ethics to me.

This really started to build my self confidence massively. I realised I do a great job at work, I'm smarter than I thought I was and that also I knew a lot less than I thought I did.

It was the kick in the bum I needed.

Telephone calls still scare the living poop out of me and I have occasional bouts of VERY mild anxiety around new people, but I'm so much better.

This is my success story.

Now I know these things can be a mixed bag. For some they can inspire and direct and for others it can cause a crash that they are struggling still with the things mentioned.
For the former, I'm glad, for the latter, I'm sorry but you can get there and you will get there.
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  #2  
Old 19th January 2021, 23:20
Veni Vidi Vado Veni Vidi Vado is offline
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Default Re: Twenty years ago...

Thanks for typing that Miss Katie, I think I joined this site initially 12 years ago I can find many parallels with my own journey , : . I found the last paragraph particularly pertinent because I'm now genuinely happy to read that someone has been able to find some peace and self-love and improved their life from what must have been a dark and difficult situation . When I first joined ,I hated these threads with a passion, I would tell myself that the person who had penned it was either lying about their issues or that they never really suffered that badly in the first place. I can see now that it was just some kind of maladaptive coping mechanism because they just made me feel insecure or jealous, probably both.
I think it's important for forums of this nature to include positive stories of recovery and growth as well as supporting those who are struggling and low on hope.
I hope you to continue to grow and kick ass.

Bloody phone calls eh? it might take me another 39 years to finally get over that bullplop
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  #3  
Old 20th January 2021, 11:44
choirgirl choirgirl is offline
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Location: Toryshire/Bizarroworld
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Default Re: Twenty years ago...

That's a good read MissKatie. I wish I'd discovered SAUK earlier. I still find work takes a lot out of me, unfortunately. My social anxiety got worse as I got older, although it eventually got better again. My tendency is still to try to hide anything that people might attack in order to protect myself. I've always found stories of getting better inspiring; I always thought I could get better; I just didn't know how.
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  #4  
Old 21st January 2021, 02:16
MissKatie MissKatie is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Wales
Posts: 406
Default Re: Twenty years ago...

Thanks for the replies people
It's been tough soooo much of the time and I wouldn't had been able to do it without strong direct support
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