Has anyone ever had POSITIVE experience of telling others about loneliness?

[tryinghard]

This is going to sound stupid but until recently I believed that I didn't really get lonely. During my current therapy I have realised that it's more the fact that I'm lonely all the time and consider it like a "normal" state. But since I've been aware of it, the pain has got a lot closer to the surface. A couple of times a day - when my thoughts go there - it's very intense pain, and I feel like I'm going to vomit or even like I'm going to die (as melodramatic as that sounds....I know, I know, but that's what goes through my head) and other times it's just a kind of vague emptiness in my stomach that kind of sucks the joy out of things or flattens things even when I'm ostensibly "having fun".

I've finally put the loneliness down to an assumption that I have already been rejected/abandoned. So even if people accept me - I actually have quite a lot of friends, for example - I either think "not forever", "they don't really know me" or I think "it's not really about me, it's about them". So I either expect that they're just "needy" and self-centred and I could be anyone (they just need someone), or I think they will inevitably leave when they see me for what I am. The upshot is that I either remain emotionally detached from them without trying (I do this with friends - I've always just been aware I don't "bond" platonically but not known why) or I make valiant efforts to not become emotionally attached (in romantic relationships - although I often fail in this pursuit and that's very frightening for me and I get really, really distressed if I think any part of me cares about outcome. Upshot of that: stay single/stay lonely).

The pain is pretty bad nowadays because I know it's there, but that's kind of a good thing because I have a ton of motivation now to do something about this. It's making my SA worse because I'm terrified people will find out how much pain I'm in. But that thought has helped me to narrow down the reason why I assume I am unacceptable/unloveable: Because I think my emotions are unacceptable and you can't just not have emotions.

So that's all made me think that I have to tell someone how I feel. I tell them bits and pieces of how I feel so I've always felt I'm being quite open, but stuff about real "pain" - I don't tell people because it's so heavy and it's not the "normal" experience. It makes me feel different.

But I think if I tell someone how I feel inside then that's how I'm going to find out that my emotions are not unacceptable - that other people care about how I feel and they will accept me anyway. That seems, logically, like a really good start to unlearning all of this crap - I can tell it's completely irrational, I just can't "feel" that it's irrational.

But I don't know how to go about it and also I'm quite scared of it. Has anyone ever had a conversation like this? And if so, how did it go? (Positive experiences please...to give me courage!)

EDIT: Also, it's in the back of my mind that I kind of want to do this tonight/tomorrow with a particular couple of friends (closest friends). It's my 30th birthday tomorrow and I think that milestone is having quite a big impact. I feel in quite a lot more pain than usual and I'm really dreading it. It's not a social anxiety, exactly, I just don't want to face the pain. And I don't even know what it is about turning 30 that is causing so much pain. It's not that I fear getting old or anything....I think there's something about the milestone where other people spend a lot of time with friends/families on that day and I feel very alone. I'm hanging out with my two closest friends tomorrow and honestly the last thing I want to do on my 30th birthday is pretend to be ok. If I'm going to be not ok, then - it being my birthday - I just want to have a day of not pretending or trying to stay strong.

[djmotion]

I can actually relate to this a lot, I used to be constantly alone all the time (still am mostly), I was alone for over 5 years and was just kind of empty, didn't really care about much but over the past year I realised how lonely I was and tried opening up to people, this is when the pain started and it basically never goes. It feels like I'm gonna have a heart attack sometimes it gets that bad and I sometimes get breathless. anyway long story short, I told my friends (who I became close with over the last year) about my loneliness and pain and they was there for me saying give it time and they tried to genuinely help but the problem is they couldn't understand because they're not lonely or in pain themselves and no one can understand this when they haven't experienced it. So in answer to your question? only tell people if your looking for comfort and not understanding and I wouldn't tell anyone you just met cause it will drive people away, only those that you know care.

[tryinghard]

Thank you for relating your experiences. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way too - but also selfishly relieved that I'm not alone! I think the fact we ignored any problem for so long (or distracted ourselves from it) is the reason why the pain gets so big. Or maybe it's difficulty regulating it if we haven't been consciously trying to regulate it before?

But yes it can feel overwhelmingly physical sometimes and I can start to feel incredibly desperate when it comes on like I will do anything - absolutely anything - to take away the pain. Almost every time I consider telling someone - tell myself to hold off - then when it passes I'm completely relieved that I maintained self control and dealt with it on my own. But then perhaps part of solving the pain is to admit to it to other people....why should I be ashamed?

I'm glad you told your friends. I didn't end up doing it but I will tell my therapist and then maybe that will help. For me, telling people I've only just met would be 100% out of the question anyway. I don't really like talking about myself much in front of people I don't know very well, so even if it was a good idea to tell people I'd just met I don't think I'm physically capable. I still find myself changing the subject with my friend I've known for 12 years - there are a lot of things I won't tell her about my experiences. But I've opened up more recently and it's helped. I tell her when I'm having a panic attack now (I have agoraphobia so I pretty much have them every day) and although she can't do anything about it and she certainly can't relate (having never had one herself) sometimes it's just helpful to me that she knows. Like if we're out having dinner and I'm struggling then instead of investing all that energy into trying to hide it, I tell her: "Sorry, I'm having a little panic, it'll go away soon but at the moment my whole body thinks it's in danger" She normally asks if there is anything I want or if we should do something else, and then I can say "no thank you, here is fine because it will fade soon, but it's just helpful for me to not hide it". And that genuinely does help. The fear of someone finding out about the panic disappears and then that's one sense of "danger" off my shoulders. The panic dissipates far more quickly that way for me.

But there's a difference between panic and pain. I don't know why but pain feels even more private. I wonder why that is seeing as we all have emotions and I'm sure people can relate to anguish - probably more so than panic. Most people, for instance, will have felt that level of pain when they lose someone important to them. I think it's probably wrapped up in the shame of "emotional instability". I make a big point of how "emotionally stable" I am in everyday life to the extent I will not react emotionally when it would actually be more normal to do so, so for me admitting that I am not emotionally stable is a very frightening idea. I think people will see me as dirty.

[Cheshire Cat]

Very rarely, if ever, when I think about it.

I've often tried to be very open about relating my more difficult personal feelings to people, such as loneliness. I sometimes feel it's a sign of maturity, but the vast majority of the time I regret it and feel I've made people feel uncomfortable.

More and more I'm convinced it might be my fault for expecting other people to crawl into this dark pit with me, when the reality is I'm the one who has to find the courage to crawl out.

[umm]

I find as I grow up (after a fashion) I need to talk to people about my problems less. I think this is in part because I can rationalise and explain them to myself sufficiently well. This frees me up to show more positivity to others. I realise it might be different for guys than it is for girls and I do observe my female friends (it feels good to type that) exhibit great support for one another as well as having a good time together. They're very sensitive, very aware people. I'm conscious however that not everyone else is like that. It's a matter of finding like minded souls I suppose.

[tryinghard]

Oddly enough my friend and I talked about loneliness today, but it was actually her that brought it up (relating to her, not me). I talked about how loneliness can be awful because it convinces you it will never end while it's there (you just get "in it" and think it will never go away) and then you get distracted, look back and go "huh, why did I think that?"

She seemed to relate to everything and it was actually good to talk to another human being about loneliness. I guess it's not exactly what I was planning to do, but I did talk about it eventually!

Also, I did talk to my therapist about this. I explained that I feel like if I show emotion to other people I'm kind of "putting them in a position" where they will feel like they have to help me and he basically said: "No. If you saw someone upset you would feel like you had a ton of responsibility on your shoulders to help them. But other people don't feel like that, you're just assuming they will take the burden of your emotions as much as you would take the burden of theirs."

I thought that was very helpful because I hadn't looked at it that way. I might see other's emotions as....not exactly a "burden" but my responsibility, which can be burdensome in the end....but other people don't see my feelings as quite so much their responsibility so they're not going to feel overburdened if I'm sad.