No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

[Spideysenses]

=We need the money for the house
-But it is not a run of the mill birthday
It is my friends twenty first.
=Do you honestly think they care about you?
All they care about is numbers.
You won't be missed.
They just want to appear popular.
-It is a mile stone birthday
And I have known them practically
All of my life! Why are you
Trying to make out that
I am just an insignificant after thought?

[Spideysenses]

Hob knobs are the biscuit marines.
When you dip a rich tea or
A digestive they flake after one submergance.
Hob knobs say Again. Again. Over and over.

[Spideysenses]

He would say: you need help. Sometimes he would greet me after his work with: I've been thinking that you need help. Was this his attempt at reverse psychology? You were thinking? Makes a change. He must have been worried that if I paid to see a counsellor that they would say I was far too intelligent to settle for the work I was doing. I did not want more, but I needed more. My feelings were valid. I had every right to feel bereft of a life I should have had.

[Spideysenses]

There were scores of reasons influencing why I stayed. I couldn't pinpoint one alone that would suffice. At twenty three I felt like I had to leave. I was being forced out more or less. I think after moving in with friends for a while, showed me that the grass is not always greener on the other side. But if I had to move away for a fresh start, I was prepared to do that. I wanted to do that. It was not fear that held me back. My head told me I had to move away in order to survive as I was running out of options. I must have stayed because I listened to my heart. You cannot live life by fleeing from it.

[Spideysenses]

The place saved my life and ruined it at the same time. Things so easily could have went the other way. If I had not set out to destroy the elephant, could I have lived with the stigma when the end was improbable? Do you know what it feels like to have everyone around you believe and say you have no future? The doctors gave me a good prognosis and my family were telling anyone who would listen that I did not. How was I able to forgive my family but not an old flame?

[Spideysenses]

As far as I am aware, and I may be wrong, my parents did not advise old flame to leave. They assumed that a young lad with his whole life ahead of him, would realise that there were plenty more fish in the sea. My ol' dear did say that they expected him to run to the hills. They would have had no sympathy for me and made me feel like I didn't deserve someone who wouldn't leave after I had had a mental meltdown. They won't admit to me if they said: we don't blame you if you don't stick around or run to the hills. But that was their attitude.

[Spideysenses]

When I went back after giving my nerves time to rest after summoning the courage to leave, he was in the garage cutting wood to deck out part of the garden. He says nothing and let's me in the house. In the living room there is gym equipment everywhere and men's health magazines on the glass table. The same glass table that I remember him pushing me up against, spitting in my face while saying: come on and hit me, you can't can you so don't argue with me.
I notice that he is paler than usual, gaunt in the face and thinner. He doesn't look healthy at all. I ask if he has bought any new additions to the fish tank and he pithly says: got what you need? I take this as a sign: no conversation. He follows me up the stairs and I get my watch. He says: Got what you came for? I get my memories and a duffel bag of vinyl and realise that sweat is sliding down my face. His eyes are boring into me and his jaw is clenched. I have to leave.

[Spideysenses]

=I am feeling rundown I might just have some soup for tea.
-We are going out. We can afford it.
=I never said we couldn't...
-We are going out then
= Not tonight. I can make cajun chicken fajita's. I'll get some peppers from the shop if you like. There is onions and wraps. You prefer chips to potatoes or rice.
-We can afford to go out. We are going out. End of it.

I relent and we go out. He talks about the time someone went to hit his brother in a pub and he stepped in and punched them and knocked people off stools like dominoes before: "laying into the C##t" But his brother was annoyed and didn't thank him. I don't say what I think in the restaurant but I try and change the subject. I should make more soups. Get a better blender. I know you don't like tomato. What about lentil? Chicken broth? Leek and potato? Cream of mushroom? I know you burn lots of energy at work so I would make you a roll on the side and then have dessert. He says: and whit next a salad? I'm nae a rabbit. I reply: you can have cooked meat and pasta or salad potatoes to pad it out and some bread on the side. I take his silence as a resounding no thanks, you know where you can put your salad. I pay for the meal with my card. It is my turn. On the drive back I feel light headed and my eyes fill with static.
When we get home I have to dart upstairs and throw up in the bathroom. I knew I was rundown and wasn't feeling great. He says: can't be that tiring when you only get paid....in your ##### number of a job

[Spideysenses]

I was not only physically tired. I was on edge at home too. I had nowhere to go to just breathe and take some me time. Honestly I never stopped. When he would say he had the life of a dog, I would feel guilty every time. I wasn't able to let it go in one ear and out of the other. He fell out with some of his troupe on holiday because of me. More specifically because they were pushing him to cheat on me and he told them he had a girlfriend. The tension had been building up before hand. A lot of weekends out, entailed them, trying to get him to look and speak to other girls. So when they had a lads holiday unsurprisingly he blew up at them, not just for trying to get him to pull but for pulling pranks on him too. One resulted in security and then police officers being called.
I did think it was admirable for him to stand up to his friends and I realised that it was tough for him to have to deal with what happened with me - the gossip, the speculation, the conspiracy theories, people with ulterior motives. His friends thought he needed cheering up and to see what he was missing. If there was a hint of truth in his words, then he was right to point out that most of his friends - at the age they were then- would not have stuck by their girlfriends the way he did for me. Some broke up and got back together. Some cheated on their girlfriends and they forgave them. Surely it would be the same with us. Relax and enjoy yourself. You are too young to be tied down.They were young lads.
If he had cheated after I had been in rehab I maybe would have given him another chance. But I wouldn't have stood for it repeatedly. They didn't flat out tell him to leave me as I wasn't worth it. Some said to me when we were out that they were glad to see us still together. It was good for both of us. It was to begin with.
I knew what it was like myself to grow apart from people. Sometimes too much water has flowed under the bridge. Friends become old friends.

[Spideysenses]

My father would press me:
-What are you going to be?
What exactly are you going to be?-
I didn't want him to tell
Everyone he came in contact with-
My daughter is going to be a... -
I didn't believe in tempting fate.
I had the patience, manner and common sense
As well as the brains to
Have had a professional career.
I hadn't had the best childhood,
So I needed a creative outlet.
Life led me onto that path
And I graciously followed.
The minute I came in the door
I would say:
Let's take Lady a walk,
Can we have Chinese food or pizza tonight?
And he would say: - we will see
I need to have a think.
My leg has been bad this week-
I wasn't allowed to choose
What pizza we had and
He would harangue me
To say exactly what I
Was going to be when I grew up.
When my grans dementia progressed
And she stopped baking cakes
And being able to cook her own meals,
He did next to nothing.
I was frustrated that he was
So wound up in what he wanted
And nothing else.
I felt more sadness than anger as
Life had not been kind to him.
He was extremely bitter
About my mum leaving him
And about his working life being cut short.
He never got over any of them.
But nobody seem to consider
How hard it was for me.
I was intelligent and
If I were to escape the
Moving up the retail ladder,
I was going to have to do it alone.
My father was disappointed
In me from the day I was born.
He wasn't at my mums side
When I came into the world through choice.
He never had to say that
I was not what he expected or wanted.
He wanted to watch his boy
Play football at the weekend.
My grandfather left the forces
As he either had a meltdown
Or was heading towards one.
It is not what a person asks
An ex-military sailor or soldier.
I asked if he had lost friends
From combat that was all.
My fathers own commrades
Deliberately broke his leg
Against a goal post
When he was promoted.
Everything I had went through
Gave me a steely determination
To carve my own path.
When my father came into
My work and I decided
To give him another chance,
I felt I had to.
I couldn't abandon him too.
I had to choose between
My mum and her partner
Or my father.
So when my father
Criticised the job I had,
Which my mum and stepdad never did,
I snapped and informed him:
It is full time,
My contract is only thirty hours
Because that is the way
Retail works. I get time and half
For doing three out of four Sundays,
Which are not in my contract.
I have overtime practically every
Single week when someone
Is on holiday or absent
And there is overtime available on
The checkouts and other departments.
I just have my foot in the door
Who am I to demand that they
Add six more hours to my contract??
I confess I did not say to him:
=Are you going to help
Me pay to go to university so
Please stop asking me what I'm going to be=
The same feeling went
For my grandfather.
He had to earn everything
Himself so I was expected
To do the same. That was OK.
I knew that and accepted it.
I loved my grandparents dearly.
Not coming from a privileged background,
Was not the reason I went my own way.
I wanted to write. I knew what I wanted to do.
I followed my heart.
I would have hated
Staying in retail or
Being in an office number crunching,
Selling insurance, time share,
Admin, accounting, human resources.
The list goes on. It was not for me.

[Spideysenses]

It is hard to imagine that
Old flame could have
Treated me any worse.
If I were the type to suffer in silence,
He would have hit me
Instead of throwing
His weight around or
Smashing up the housewarming presents.
He tried to use other tactics,
To break me down
As he knew that I
Would go to the authorities and report him
With a physical injury
And I would speak to the medical practitioners
Letting them know precisely what had happened.
When I was in pieces,
I thought that I would not
Be able to prove that
Me being where I was,
Had a lot to do with him.
But he was not solely to blame.
Other people around him,
Planted seeds of doubt.

[Spideysenses]

I tried to forgive.
I tried to forget.
I realised that I had to fight back.
This wasn't a one off violent attack.
It was years of pesistant abuse.
The greed of another person
And ignorance surrounding
Having had a stay in hospital,
Resulted in me losing
More than I ever should
Have had to lose.

[Spideysenses]

6000 views. 0.99 per e-book,
I would have enough
To cover first year of course.
With advertising, could be both years covered.
I remind myself that I tried to leave.
I ask myself will the court order
Them to pay damages when the ruling goes my way?
That is the only language they speak.
It's the only way they will
Face up to the crimes and abuse they committed.
Then I can move on with my life. Only then.

[Spideysenses]

I had decided that I was going to be a writer so any job I had would come secondary and only be a means to an end. This was where my heart lay and no-one could sway me otherwise. The world changes so rapidly, and I had the inspiration I needed at my fingertips. All I needed was to be brave and jump. Take a leap of faith.

[Spideysenses]

Forever Unbroken
Song by Fit for a King

OverviewLyricsListenPeople also search for
You know nothing, when you tell me
That I worship a fabricated story in the sky
Throwing away decency because you can't grasp
The life of peace and the voice of potency
Your words are wasted on me
I feel His breath and have seen great thongs
I've got nothing to hide, and nothing to lose
You can spit out your lies, while I tell you the truth
Mark my words, I won't back down
Spit out your lies
Nothing you can say will change my mind
This is my life, this is my soul
All that I see points back to the divine
This is my life, you'll never change me
Mark my words, I won't back down
Lies have put me down
Hate has shut me out
Through the trials and the pain
I will remain forever unbroken
When skin separates from bone
I'll never betray my vows
When death knocks at my door
I'll never give in to the ones who doubted
The ones who pick weak faith apart
Keep coming with broken daggers
They will never pierce my heart
You'll never change me

[Spideysenses]

I didn't choose to work in retail.
I had to apply twice before
I was invited to an interview.
My estranged father would
Talk incessantly about
How his nephew climbed the ladder.
Some of the managers - including females-
Spoke in a condescending fashion towards me
And treated me differently compared to
Male colleagues my age.
I had no plans to stay
Somewhere I wasn't respected.
Where harassment was
Covered up as harmless banter
Or character building.
I had worked hard and gave up too much,
To settle for work that
Would bore me to tears.
I wasn't listened to at work when
I was training with the Olympic team
And supposed to have
Been going to art school or university
So what chance did
I have post meltdown after rehab?

[Spideysenses]

Why stay with a person who never once apologised?
I never thought their behaviour was normal,
That they had issues centring around
Innsecurity, controlling their temper and anger.
They stayed after I'd been in hospital.
My friends were nowhere to be seen. OK.
But I still tried to end it.
I could have made an art portfolio
And went to art school in the city.
I could have just flit. Saved like mad
In my humdrum day job and moved.
When reality bites harder than necessary,
It changes a person. What other young women
My age thought was the be all and end all,
Didn't matter as much to me anymore.
I never thought I was missing out
And I wouldn't have got involved
With the wrong type of people.
My parents were horrific I know
But they came around.
Why did I let him stoke this flame?
I felt like such a failure when
I had actually done all that I could do.
I did what was right after meltdown.
I set out to heal and wanted to write.
I went against the grain,
Taking any job I could. I did not run.
I cut the most toxic people out of my life.
Nobody made him feel obliged to stay.
He was free to make up his own mind.
I needed rest. And I was not the best at relaxing
Before the meltdown. I was only young
When it happened and I didn't want
To put my life on hold.
I won't ever turn a meltdown into a life lesson,
But I learned that I had to take it easy
Every once in a while.
Eighteen is young to have the feeling of
Invincibility whipped from under your feet.

[Spideysenses]

No more won't, don't, never, what if,
But, should have, could have,
What was supposed to happen.
Past mistakes will not define me.
No need to prove myself. Just write.

[Spideysenses]

Thug was not saying I was wasted potential
Like my teachers at school.
He was referring to the conspiracy theories.
They put their foot in it and slipped up bigstyle.

[Spideysenses]

Cooking needn't be complicated. Fresh ingredients and variety.

[Spideysenses]

My family and others made a massive mistake by thinking that all the psychiatric professionals saw the people they helped as beyond broken sub-human beings. I had to fight against the doubt that crept in and remember that I was listened to ahead of everyone else at the ripe old age of eighteen. I just was not ready to open the floodgates at the time. I was supposed to be one of the ones who moved on and never looked back. That's why I knew that it was my life to blame for the stay when I crashed again.

[Spideysenses]

I am sure that a source of my anxiety and anguish lay in me believing that I had to do good and make a difference in my career and not only make a good living and better myself. Maybe I did not apply myself so that people around me would take the pressure off the gas pedal. It wasn't fair that I was called lazy when I wasn't fulfilling my potential. I did my own projects at home, that was another factor. And not to mention I was training hard at my sport and had the privilege to train with the Olympic team.

[Spideysenses]

All I wanted was to be happy and hopeful about the future again. The best case scenario and outcome was that everyone would be able to move on. Olivebranch.

[Spideysenses]

How does it feel to have the full brunt of stigma placed on your shoulders? It is like a Kafka novel. Some seemed to want my life to go from bad to worse. I felt like I was guilty of a crime I had not committed like in The Trial.

[Spideysenses]

Mediator<>Studentlawproject>Solicitor>
>plan B - bookie>repeatallaforementionedsteps>>>>

[Spideysenses]

Return to sender. Address unknown.

[Spideysenses]

If everyone around you was making you feel like you were going to have "something wrong" with you for your entire life, when the professionals had reported you had recovered from a breakdown, and had said all along you would recover, wouldn't you want to fight against the injustice?
If you knew that it was not only a bad choice of words, that there were people who found satisfaction in your misfortune, wouldn't you want to set the record straight? If you were treated like a criminal and a drug addict when you were not, wouldn't you feel like you had to prove you were innocent? One month. I never viewed the bipolar as the enemy. I'd always had it. But it wasn't me and I wasn't going to let it define me. It was just one part of a million piece jigsaw and it would always be there and with time would blend in. A friend said to me: "but you are so calm and composed all the time. I would never have known unless you said." Why carry on living if you are repeatedly receiving messages that you are irreparable and unworthy of being loved.

[Spideysenses]

My family did not listen to the doctors. They did not respect a professionals positive forecast and good prognosis. I lost friends due to too much water having flowed under the bridge. I couldn't move on due to the ignorance and conspiracy theories flying around. What's a girl to do?. The pen is mightier than the sword. Knowledge is power.

[Spideysenses]

I was young and I didn't mean to be disrespectful when I jested about making my own vodka or standing guard all day doing nothing. My father looked at me, as if to say: are you really mine?
My Grandfather on my mums side was in the armed forces too. I have a feeling I know who he voted for. I would never have told him to his face that he was blue/toffee nosed. Yes, my Gran was an alcoholic. She retired too early and was lonely. She was never given an opportunity to use her brain in a career through circumstances of her life. And yes my parents spent more nights in the pub than at home at one point. So yes, I had to dull my emotions and I needed a creative outlet.

[Spideysenses]

Having self-discipline and responsibility is not about denying yourself of all that you enjoy. I don't think we give up what is fun as we get older. We gain insight and change as we grow up. I can look at some things in life and feel the same as I did when I was in my youth. A good film. Beautiful scenery. When I laugh with a friend. When a dress or an outfit suits me. When I sing the chorus to a song I heard on radio and don't know the artist, I want to find out. A news story challenges my perception of what's important. A book induces a journey that is unique to me. When I see the perfect gift to buy someone I know and add it to my online wish list. When a stranger becomes more. When a comedian illuminates the idiosyncracies of the country I live in. When I discover a delicious food that has been right under my nose for sometime which I have overlooked. The sea air. The soothing noise to the countryside and woods. All journeys end and lead to home.