Here I go agen........

[jontyboyoh]

I was at a club on Saturday. It was a comedy thing at first, and I just wasn't in the mood......Like total misanthropy taking hold of my entire being...... Predicting the punchlines of the jokes; criticising people in my head for laffin @ 'stupid' things; generally feelin very morose!

Anyway, a girl next to me shown an interest; said a few words to me blah blah!...... I really wasn't in the mood, but tried my best [like u do! lol]....... But it was the usual: 'u look really miserable. Wots up?'........

Anyway, I seen her later-on, when I was a bit more oiled, shall we say?........ Chatted a bit longer; agen she commented on how quiet I was [by the way, is there a worse thing a girlie can say when ur already feeling like a Trapist Monk? lol] and the usual: 'If u don't want to talk, just tell me to go away!' [possibly the most irritating thing anyone can say under these circumstances].

But despite these annoyances, we ended up dancin and kissin on the floor........ Then she left [me givin her my number b4 hand] and I still felt like a failure for some reason that only my subconscious mind knows!

We've been texting a bit; she's been flirting; so have I [though under the cover of one of my personae, I think]; we've arranged a date! :embarass:

I've entitled this thread Here I go again [and some peeps are gonna think I'm a wasteful get for sayin this] because I really don't think I'm into this datin game; don't think I'm cut-out for it; don't think my mind operates in this way!

So, why I am going down this route agen?......Curiosity?....Somethin new?...... Fear of loneliness?......Prob all three........

I mean, for someone that has become well-accustomed to donning personae, I struggle to think wot I'm gonna do when a bit of emotion/feelin is needed!

I really need the words of Prophet Inner right about now, if only to tell me that anyone can get a relationship!

Thanks for listenin....... I've been Jon; u've been great!

[hardy]

'There is a point in life when you realise that there's a limit to what you can get from other people and there's a limit to what your own personality is in itself' (Philip Larkin).


"but the average SAer gets nowhere near that limit" (hardy)

[Innervision]

Strange as it may seem coming from someone who is ok with relationships ... I can actually identify with where you are coming from there.

I sometimes look at people laughing at stuff, dancing, trying to mix with each other etc and I sort of stand back from it and wonder what the hell is going on. What's it all about? It all seems so absurd to me at times.

I can also understand why the girl may have commented on your quietness. Oddly enough, talking about how quiet someone is can actually be a good conversation starter. Even though it can be annoying for the supposedly quiet person.

Maybe she was continually checking out your receptiveness to her by saying she'd go away if you didn't want to talk further.
You must have done just fine though, because you continued to talk and exchanged numbers afterwards. I can see why her comments could be irritating to you, though.

Anyway, you have got a date with her now. That sounds promising.

Why do you still feel like a failure? Is it because it was not how you imagined things like this would be? Is it because she mentioned things you possibly despise about yourself? ie, your 'quietness'. Is it something totally different to those things?

You say you wonder if you are cut out for this dating thing. Yet how will you actually know until you've done it and run it to it's conclusion? How can we arrive at the conclusion before we've done the experiment? We experiment with experience then arrive at an informed conclusion afterwards.

I wonder, after reading some of your posts, whether you like to think more than you like to do. That's no critisism or anything. Just a possibility. You feel to me like a mental person rather than a physical person. You live through thoughts and inner feelings rather than physical external experience.

Somehow it feels like the physical experiences you have in life never match up to the the way you see life in a thinking sense. Now if that is a load of bollox, please forgive me.

Maybe it's not so much that you are not cut-out for dating etc. Maybe it's more a case of fearing having to come out of where you feel most comfortable ... in your thinking. To a place you feel less (least?) comfortable ... the possible physical and emotional territory that relationships occupy.

You do state that you struggle to think what you will do when emotion and feelings are required. And you do appear to be far more comfortable in the realm of thought.

Maybe a possible answer is to realise that you can have both when in a relationship, or just starting on a potential relationship/friendship. You can still be the thinker whilst learning to be more comfortable with emotion too. You can develop both aspects side by side.

Do you think it may be worth going with the flow in order to see where the flow takes you? Maybe you aren't sure why you are going down this route now, but as you progress down it your motivations may become clearer to you. Even if the date(s) come to nothing long lasting, it could be a worthwhile experience and something you can take something from.

As an old counsellor of mine once (embarrassingly and unwittingly) said this to a client of his who suspected he may be gay and felt the need to experiment ... "Maybe you'll just have to suck it and see..."

Anyway, I'm just throwing a few thoughts out here. Please feel free to reject them if it sounds like nonsense.

[Cellardweller]

I would take Dave Advice^^^^^^^^^^^

[mustafa]

Dude!!

I've talked to you already about this - and I don't quite get where your coming from.. for those who don't know, I was out with jon on sat, the girl was friendly, good looking and hell a bit of a catch imo. I fancied her but mate she was in to you!!!!
I'd take that as a compliment, not cos she like you over me lol (i'm not that arrogant!) but surely with all this sa crap we have to deal with a situation like this should be seen as a positive??
Not only that but considering you felt like s**t lol you managed to chat, dance and give her your no. You've also gone and followed it up by getting a date. Lucky ba***rd lol cos you know what I thought of her..

Maybe the emotion and feelings will come.. esp if you get to know her, like i've said to you go with the flow and if it doesn't work out you got some experience out of it.. and maybe a new friend.

Anyway if I don't chat to you before the date good luck!

Mustafa

[Cellardweller]

Just get drunk and don't take it so seriously. If it don't work out, who gives a shit. Move on.

[Jules07]

Thats great Jontyboyoh,

I dont think ive EVER chatted up a girl in a club and kissed her that night - you seem to be able to do it even when youre not sure you even want to!

sounds like shes OK, even intrigued, by you not being a chatter-box.

i know the sadness when it doesnt work out, when you realize you dont have much in common with the person you thought you had stuff in common with.

but i personally think its worth carrying on looking. you dont have to pin all your hopes on it, just meet up, keep expectations low, enjoy the occasion for what it is, and see what happens.

at the very least, its good anti-SA practice.

[type]

Stop thinking too much and go with it, let what happens happen. Don't make a similar mistake I made and sabotage it before anything serious started. She obviouslly likes you, enjoy it

AD.

[Deepguy]

Originally Posted by Innervision

I wonder, after reading some of your posts, whether you like to think more than you like to do. That's no critisism or anything. Just a possibility. You feel to me like a mental person rather than a physical person. You live through thoughts and inner feelings rather than physical external experience.

Somehow it feels like the physical experiences you have in life never match up to the the way you see life in a thinking sense. Now if that is a load of bollox, please forgive me.

Maybe it's not so much that you are not cut-out for dating etc. Maybe it's more a case of fearing having to come out of where you feel most comfortable ... in your thinking. To a place you feel less (least?) comfortable ... the possible physical and emotional territory that relationships occupy.

We know each other a bit now, jontyboyoh, and from what I've seen I think we are alike in quite a few ways. I think what Inner says is very true of me at least, so maybe it's true of you as well?

For me certainly, very rarely does real life live up to my thoughts and imaginings. I always feel more comfortable just thinking about possibilities than taking steps to act them out. Especially with relationships, as they are one of the most tricky areas where things can most easily turn out unlike the way you imagine!

In a way maybe that's a tragedy, as we might live our whole lives always being disappointed by reality as compared to our inner worlds. But maybe the point is to try and make that inner world as real as possible through what we do?

[jontyboyoh]

Originally Posted by hardy

'There is a point in life when you realise that there's a limit to what you can get from other people and there's a limit to what your own personality is in itself' (Philip Larkin).


"but the average SAer gets nowhere near that limit" (hardy)

Interesting!

[jontyboyoh]

Originally Posted by Mand680

We know each other a bit now, jontyboyoh, and from what I've seen I think we are alike in quite a few ways. I think what Inner says is very true of me at least, so maybe it's true of you as well?

For me certainly, very rarely does real life live up to my thoughts and imaginings. I always feel more comfortable just thinking about possibilities than taking steps to act them out. Especially with relationships, as they are one of the most tricky areas where things can most easily turn out unlike the way you imagine!

In a way maybe that's a tragedy, as we might live our whole lives always being disappointed by reality as compared to our inner worlds. But maybe the point is to try and make that inner world as real as possible through what we do?

Deffo......Cheers Martin & Dave [and Must and the rest of you!].......
I'm deffo an internal person; more into thinkin than doin; the physical has rarely come up to expectations etc etc........

Its seems like such a sad way to live, but I think if ur personality is tainted in this way, there's gonna be times when u prefer to think about the vast intricacies of life, as opposed to just havin a laff.......

.......I believe that the senstive/cerebral individual really doesn't do fun....... It does the meaningful, the creative, the thoughtful etc etc........Fun just seems superficial and platitudious [which I have stated b4 is my fave word to describe this. lol]

[YAWN].

[jontyboyoh]

Originally Posted by hannah_on_toast

i think girls like mysterious guys.. they want to be the person that he will open up to etc.

you should go on the date! try to do something that doesn't revolve around talking..and it might be more relaxing and you won't feel on the spot.

have fun and good luck.

Yeah, women ave been intrigued by me b4........ They wanna know wots goin on behinf my cool exterior!

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by jontyboyoh

.......I believe that the senstive/cerebral individual really doesn't do fun....... It does the meaningful, the creative, the thoughtful etc etc........Fun just seems superficial and platitudious [which I have stated b4 is my fave word to describe this. lol]

I see nothing wrong with the above. If that is how you see yourself, then fine. The next step then is to do the things you do like and that do fit with your personality so you gain fulfilment and are content with your life. I mean 'fun' is a subjective concept. To some, simply pondering on the vast intracacies of life can be fun. To some others it is getting smashed out of their heads on booze in a club.

To me, though, you always seem torn between the person you say you are, and the person you appear to think you should be.
There seems to be a conflict somewhere, because you seem happy to acknowledge yourself being very cerebral and sensitive, yet you also seem to see these as bad things in some sense.

I wonder if at some point in life you may find happiness in the balance between the intensely thoughtful and creative, and the frivolous and carefree. Maybe it's not a case of being one at the expense of the other, but of being both and choosing which side is more appropriate at any particular time.

I'm sure even the greatest, most serious thinkers on earth have also had their frivolous times. This does not compromise them as serious thinkers, though. I think a healthy life comprises of balance rather than just one way of being. We are multi-faceted creatures, and some more than others.

Balance is the key. By all means contemplate the meaning of life when the desire to do so takes you, but if at other times you simply feel like a bit of a laugh, a few beers or a night out with a date - so be it. Too much of one and not enough of the other will always create some imbalance ... so why not do both?

Maybe the sensitive, cerebral person does 'not do fun', but maybe he can do diverse experience instead. If nothing else, it gives him more to think about afterwards.

[jontyboyoh]

Originally Posted by Innervision

I see nothing wrong with the above. If that is how you see yourself, then fine. The next step then is to do the things you do like and that do fit with your personality so you gain fulfilment and are content with your life. I mean 'fun' is a subjective concept. To some, simply pondering on the vast intracacies of life can be fun. To some others it is getting smashed out of their heads on booze in a club.

To me, though, you always seem torn between the person you say you are, and the person you appear to think you should be.
There seems to be a conflict somewhere, because you seem happy to acknowledge yourself being very cerebral and sensitive, yet you also seem to see these as bad things in some sense.

I wonder if at some point in life you may find happiness in the balance between the intensely thoughtful and creative, and the frivolous and carefree. Maybe it's not a case of being one at the expense of the other, but of being both and choosing which side is more appropriate at any particular time.

I'm sure even the greatest, most serious thinkers on earth have also had their frivolous times. This does not compromise them as serious thinkers, though. I think a healthy life comprises of balance rather than just one way of being. We are multi-faceted creatures, and some more than others.

Balance is the key. By all means contemplate the meaning of life when the desire to do so takes you, but if at other times you simply feel like a bit of a laugh, a few beers or a night out with a date - so be it. Too much of one and not enough of the other will always create some imbalance ... so why not do both?

Maybe the sensitive, cerebral person does 'not do fun', but maybe he can do diverse experience instead. If nothing else, it gives him more to think about afterwards.

Yes, cheers dude [yet again]......

I deffo need to get back into things I like agen, that usually involve the arts etc........ But the sexual is always on my mind in the way that I feel teased by the idea, but not able to carry it out properly! .......
....I think this was best summed-up by another user of this site a week-or-so ago, when he stated that he'd had sex, but it felt really peculiar!.......It really is a strange thing!

[hardy]

Looks like you were trying to keep your anxiety down by being too cool ( cool in the sense of pretending to yourself you dont care) . I think youre right to try to be cool but maybe it should be more like " I'm ok with this . Its just normal and if it doesn't work out there will be plenty more oppurtunities so I'll go for it"

[jontyboyoh]

Originally Posted by hardy

Looks like you were trying to keep your anxiety down by being too cool ( cool in the sense of pretending to yourself you dont care) . I think youre right to try to be cool but maybe it should be more like " I'm ok with this . Its just normal and if it doesn't work out there will be plenty more oppurtunities so I'll go for it"

Maybe....Maybe not......But cheers anyway!