Not sure I want to engage!

[esarempee]

I've been wondering lately about labelling myself as someone with SA.

With that label comes preconceptions, a belief system and in some ways a persona to live up to.

I look around at society and feel I have very little to contribute or want to take from. I'm not interested in doing a job, that involves me commuting to everyday, doing something I have little interest in to make money to pay the bills and buy stuff that I have convinced myself I need in order to feel like I am part of that society.

So I have partly opted out. I own no property, I run an old car that I have no intentions of replacing until I have to. Am my own boss, doing something that doesn't feel like work making an inconsistent living.

So why do I compare myself to the very people I don't want to be like?

My one real friend, who I've known for 20 years, has been a black cab driver for the last 8 years. In that time he has acquired 3 properties, owns his own cab, has a partner and 3 kids. Works every day, although only doing 4-5 hours per day. Takes regular holidays with his family and yet is one of the most discontented people I know. In fact he decided he wanted to be a nurse 3 years ago and has done a pre-degree course and the first 2 years of his degree. He unfortunately fell behind with some written work and they have since thrown him off the course, which he is appealing against. He tells me he found the work experience he has done hugely rewarding, he has worked with children and even been a scrub nurse on a neuro surgical ward. But he also says that he has become so used to earning a very good wage as a cab driver he is unsure as to whether he wants to continue with the nursing.

It seems that this is how the majority of us, guage our achievements in life. I am trying my damn-dest not to do this, living in London and being constantly reminded of others wealth makes this extremely hard sometimes. I do however wish I was better educated and had a brain that was able to take more than just a passing interest in stuff, but I just haven't found that I'm engaged by things for too long.

I'm on the point of deciding to drop out of city life altogether. I have this notion of being in essence a travelling Hobo. Picking up work where I can, staying places that I like and moving on when not. I've travelled and worked in the past and found the stimulus of new places and people good for the soul. Last year was a bad one for me and I don't want to repeat that this year. I am going to start a couple of courses in April which will add a couple of more strings to my bow and I am taking up the offer of CBT next month.

It may be a complete flight of fancy, but I think I'm getting closer to making the decision. I've always liked Timothy Leary's notion of "Turn on, Tune in and Drop out", guess I'm just a hippie at heart!

[ratty]

Living in London might exaggerate your feelings to some extent. I know when I stay in the countryside for a while, life is totally different and I feel completely different. There is much less pressure, or fewer reminders, about what drives society. You do still find people can be achievement-obsessed though, but it's much more diluted and slower paced (IMO).

So you may find you do not need to travel constantly, but once you escape big bad London you may feel happier/less pressurised. I don't know, just an idea.

I personally work so I can afford to live. I am not overly interested in promotions and work achievements, but if I was thinking of staying in one place for the rest of my life then I guess that would become a focus. I think it's just a secure route for some people and if they are planning on staying put, there is no reason why they wouldn't want to earn more money/progress with their career providing they are happy in every other aspect of their life and/or don't have another dream they are pursuing. Also once you have a family, or someone who depends on you financially, it's virtually impossible to try something unstable/risky/a lot lower paid because it's not just you in the picture any more. So people who are very family-oriented I think (again just my opinion) are less likely to take risks with the stability/salary of their jobs. Of course it can be very difficult to constantly move around with a family too, or even with a partner if they have strong opinions as you then have to please the two of you. So that might all boil down to it being easier if you are single.

I am thinking of moving away (to Australia/NZ) without any security whatsoever and it terrifies me. But like you I feel the urge to move around and experience things.

Whatever you decide, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good luck

[pavlovsdog]

I think I know what you mean. There have been many occasions when I have felt like totally disengaging from society and just travelling about. I'm too much of a coward though, plus I like my home comforts!
The point you have made about being labelled is an interesting one. For me, knowing I have SA has helped raise my awareness about my thoughts and behaviours and has therefore enabled me to think more clearly about what, and if, I want to change.

As far as being pigeon-holed, I think this is very relevant; do we buy into society by accepting a label, or do we reject it? Personally, I think I would find it very difficult to do the latter, although it is quite a romantic ideal.

Good luck with your courses, and whatever you plan to do in the future