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#1
22nd November 2009, 16:11
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how do you deal with a breakup?
my girlfriend of 7 months dumped me last night, im 24 and it was the first proper relationship i've had and im totally devastated. im still in love with her and she said shes still in love with me but she said it was the best thing to do for both of us because shes got kids and it wouldn't be fair on us both because she said her kids would never accept me being with her. i can't stop thinking about her and im the most depressed i've ever been, i don't know if ill be able to cope cos i can't get her off my mind. whats the best way for me to get her out of my head? ive tried doing things to keep me occupied today but i cant stop thinking about her, has anyone got any suggestions on how i can cope cos im really down, would going to the doctors and gettin anti depressents take the edge off?
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#2
22nd November 2009, 16:19
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
i am sorry to hear about your situation, break up's are always difficult.
if you believe there is no chance of getting back together with her, then the best thing to do is move on. Re-arrange your room, get rid of anything that reminds you of her, photo's, etc. Keep doing the normal daily things you do. It won't be easy at first, but gradually you will find it easier - everyone heals in time. Feeling's will gradually change, you might feel so strongly about something right now, and in a few months those feelings will have changed so much. Good luck mate |
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#3
22nd November 2009, 16:39
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
it's always tough when its your first proper relationship. There's always that old clichey that everyone get's dumped, BUT also everyone always recovers, some take longer then others. Maybe it just wasn't the right set of circumstances for you at this moment.
you might feel sad right now, but one day you will look back at it you won't feel sad at all - because you know it wasn't you're fault and it was her decision. You will meet someone else, maybe someone where the circumstances are different 
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#4
22nd November 2009, 16:59
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
thx for the advice ive just got rid of all the photos of her, im gonna try and keep myself busy by taking up new hobbys and hopefully that will take my mind off it. i guess i knew it was going to happen because i wasn't ready to be involved with her kids and i thought about ending it myself a few times but i just couldn't because i cared for her too much and i didnt want to be alone again, there maybe more fish in the seas but i think it will be that hard to find another relationship with my sa.
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#5
22nd November 2009, 17:05
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
that's a really good attitude you have mate. yeah maybe it will be hard to find another person with your sa, but you managed to find this woman? so you can do it again. just down to circumstances.
you will have your shit days too when you do think about things, but you just have to remind yourself that its normal, and it will pass. good luck man 
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#6
22nd November 2009, 22:09
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
The only thing I say to any of my friends is this: GFTOW. Go **** ten other woman.
Think about it for a second: If you knew you could go out on the street, meet and hook up with ten other girls, would you even bother thinking about your GF? I doubt so. No matter how hot or nice she is, remember that there are thousands like her and ten of thousands better. Start chatting with woman, you'll find out that there are plenty of woman just waiting for a nice guy to pick em' up! |
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#7
22nd November 2009, 22:20
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
Quote:
Say if your ex found out, you could have potentially damaged any chance or a reconciliation, the implications could be irreversible, especially if she was thinking about giving things another go. She would think you were showing no respect whatsoever to her and that she meant nothing in the first place. It's too early to say if this breakup is permanent. Even so, it's far too early to think about relationships with someone else, you're not in the right frame of mind for all that, you need time to heal. I think the best thing for you is to just let things go for now, allow her to think about things and she will be thinking about you. Allow her time to get her head straight and for her to decide what she wants and in the same time you do the same too. Most important thing of all though is don't make yourself ill and keep yourself healthy and as happy as possible. Take care of yourself, Danny. |
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#8
22nd November 2009, 23:44
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
Michael sex doesn't mean anything to me if it's with some stranger who probably picks up men all the time and is riddled with std's, i wont miss the sex ill miss her as a person.
People put far too much emphasis nowadays on sex, i wasn't with her just for the sex i was with her cos i enjoyed spending time with her. Danny i think you're spot on m8 im not gonna go out looking for another relationship til ive got my head sorted out and im defintley not gonna go out sleeping around. one positive thing that has come out of this is that it made me re evaluate my life in general. i was depressed before i met her and when i was with her she managed to take that away but now shes gone its given me a chance to see why i was unhappy in the first place. ive written a list of things im going to do to keep myself busy and hopefully instill some pride in me and give me more self confidence. I've never amounted to anything but im gonna do whatever it takes to change that, so at the minute im not feeling depressed anymore im actually feeling pretty positive about turning my life around, the world is my oyster. thx for the advice raks and danny i appreciate it. |
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#9
22nd November 2009, 23:50
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
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I feel you're in the PUA community and see SA as some kind of approach anxiety that people should just push through, as if forcing themselves into anxiety producing situations will cure them. Do you believe SA is actually a mental illness or just a lack of experience? I actually agree you shouldn't be dwelling on an ex as its very unlikely for them to come back and if you do dwell, you're more likely put your ex off. I don't agree that someone should go shag 10 people because they need to fill a hole. Have sex if you want to and the girl(s) wants to, not because some guy says its a good way to get over it. What if I try to hit on 50 girls and they all reject me? Do you feel my social anxiety would have got better or worse? Even if one or two like me... For me, the 2/50 positive feedback doesn't outweigh the 48/50 considering that I suffer from SA, which tries to exaggerate negative feedback and blows it out of proportion. |
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#11
23rd November 2009, 00:52
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
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he has been around the PUA community. the "GFTOW" appreviation comes from there. the OP seems to be suffering from a bout of post break up "oneitis" .. (srry couldn't resist slipping in another phrase there..) anywhoo.. having said that, the mindset he's trying to promote here is to move on and not get hung up over one woman which isn't a bad mindset. he probably should of took more care with his wording (seeing as this is an SA forum), but i kind of agree with his message about it's time to try and move on |
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#12
23rd November 2009, 01:00
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
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as you're a female Lamb according to PUA it is normal for you not to be too keen on sex. i think they call it "ASD" or "LMR" |
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#13
23rd November 2009, 01:02
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
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#14
23rd November 2009, 01:09
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
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I guess I got a little defensive in my previous post but mainly because, while I was involved in the community, I thought anxiety could be conquered just through repetition. It was not the case for me and, in fact, I got worse so I get slightly defensive at the implication that if I worked harder at it I would be 'cured' of SA. I was just surprised at someone in the PUA community, who mentioned from his first or second post that he is now with the hottest girls in town, is on a SA forum. He's obviously more than welcome here but I just wondered what interested him. Quote:
ASD - Anti-slut defense. (I don't like the terminology but... I can't change that  )PUA say its normal for women to be keen on sex but they have been conditioned by society that its not a good thing for girls to be seen as liking sex and so created an ASD, so they won't be perceived to. I actually agree with a lot of what they say. My girlfriends liked sex (but obviously that's cos I'm a sex god, obviously). |
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#15
23rd November 2009, 01:20
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
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Some guys in PUA are just guys who are shy and anxious (like I was) that wanted to be better at meeting girls and being able to talk to them without running out of things to say and to come across as interesting. In this world, the focus is on the man making the first move and for some guys (especially with SA) its a killer! Girls have loads of magazines about relationships and boyfriends but all guys have is porn. 
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#16
23rd November 2009, 01:35
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
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There is a part of 'PUA' which is totally natural and doesn't remove the person's individuality at all. Its about learning to be yourself and then your positive attributes will come through. I stayed as far aware from it as possible from that as I thought I had none I agree with you though. The rules appealed to me because of my SA, since I didn't have to be myself and I could hide behind them when making agonising approaches. But they weren't good for me and I felt they hid my personality (which at the time I considered a good thing but now I realise it wasn't). As I say, I don't have any negative opinion of PUA. I think it can be a good thing for a lot of men, but for SA sufferers I think it can be harmful if they just push themselves into highly anxiety producing situations. Edit: Sorry for going off topic hidingbehindanalias. Try to keep yourself busy somewhat and, as others have said, it hurts but try to give it time. |
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#17
23rd November 2009, 02:10
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Re: how do you deal with a breakup?
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Yeah, I agree hiding shyness would be bad. At the time I saw shyness as a terrible thing that I needed to get over. I would like to be less shy but I don't see it as a bad thing anymore. I like you're positivity and you're right... everyone does have good qualities about them. That's a good happy note to go to sleep to I was pretty down before I popped onto this forum tonight, so thanks for cheering me up Lamb. Night night. |
) and the amount of books out there for men and women prove that there's a big market but PUA seem to remove a person's individuality and reduce everything.