"I've seen angels fall from blinding heights"

Roaarr · #1 16th November 2010, 01:49

"But you, yourself are nothing so divine." -blackbird, alterbridge (amazing song)

Hiiii. I'm Miriam, and I suffer from a very mild case of social anxiety. I developed it half way through my freshman year... it hasnt been diagnosed by a doctor, but Just by reading through your posts and doing some research (for almost half a year now) I have come to terms with it. And Ive been trying to self-fix the problem because it hasnt progressed to the point where I hermit myself yet. I think just finding this forum will help me, just so I know i'm not alone.

BACKGROUND ON ME

Even when I was younger, I didn't feel like I was capable of talking to other kids ( I was heavily bullied in grade school). I was a smart kid though, so I avoided the whole I have no friends at recess weirdness and blended in by walking around the blacktop (several...several times...) It turns out, I never really did stop walking those laps, even today (it was so much easier to do that than to confront people). I made "friends" eventually, but in a clever way... by talking to those who didnt have that many friends anyway ( so I didnt have to be alone)... the handicapped and severly depressed. I saved my best friend from suicide several times. I didnt make a real "normal" Friend until about 6th grade. I was a really wise kid, so I didnt really care that I wasnt popular... I actually had fun helping these kids. But now im screwed because i've wallowed in my shyness for years instead of doing anything to leave my shell. And now that i'm in highschool, I'm so afraid of what people think of me. Like, I think about it constantly. Sometimes I think, Maybe I'm blinking too slowly, or I must look really awkward and self concious right now.(i'm not a freshman. I'm a sophmore.) And then I've missed so many opportunities to make friends because ive either thought they must have some alterior motive to talking to me ( who would want to talk to me?!) or I tried too hard to seem "normal." I'm pretty sure if I could stop worrying about being accepted everything would be fine... but Ive just moved to a new school (a quarter into the year)... I have no friends yet. Im so worried. And then that worry makes me over the top anxious ( because for some reason I feel like people will hate me if I feel anxious.)

Plus, anxiety is PAINFUL. I hate the feeling that your body isnt your own, that it wont listen to you. I especially hate it when my voice gets really tiny and I feel like i'm suffocating... and it happens whenever I feel the littleest bit of disproval. Im so insecure and I hate it. The only reason I let myself suffer through it is because I dont want to give up. Im not going to let life swallow me. Im not going to let other people destroy my life. I will do this. Can you help me along my way?

<33. (btw the only reason this is so intricate was because im afraid that you guys will reject me. its probably over the top... but I put so much work into ittt....)

"may you never be broken again, black bird flyaway..."