When people try to have a laugh with you

[Moksha]

What I’m referring is shop assistants, nurses, etc, breaking out of their ‘role’ and talking informally to you/having a joke with you. God, I find it excruciating, and my mind goes blank. One to one it’s fine, and I can chat to anybody, but when they do it in front of other people, it kills me.

So, two examples from the last week.

(1). I had my jab and had to go into a waiting room for ten minutes, along with five or six others, in case I had a reaction. A woman had been posted to keep an eye on us, and she’d decided she was a ‘funny character’ (you know, the David Brent type). Everyone was sitting there in embarrassed silence, in a typically English way, but she kept trying to start up conversations. Like I said, it would have been fine if I’d been alone in a room with her. But there were other people watching. She suddenly looked at me and said “oh, you haven’t got a sticker...we can’t have that” and crossed the room to put this ****ing sticker on me, with everyone silently watching and grinning. God, I hate it. My mind just goes blank.

(2). Today, I was in Costa ordering a coffee, with two people behind me. The young guy serving had had a bit of a rush of customers, and after they’d gone, he said to me “phew, that was exciting” Again, that would have been fine if we were one to one, but there were customers behind me silently watching and listening. So I blurted out “that’s as exciting as your day gets is it” which now makes me cringe, because it sounds like such a paronising, insulting thing to say. But I just went completely blank. Then he said “well, I’m not alone really. The other guy is upstairs counting the money” to which I just couldn’t think of a reply, so I stood there in silence, burning hot, sweating and blushing. Ugghh, I’m 44...will this never ****ing end?

[Dougella]

^ You got a sticker! I didn't get any stickers *sulks*

Your response to the guy in the coffee shops sounds fine to me. Is there something in particular that makes you feel worse if other people are around? Do you feel like they might be judging you?

[likeme]

Maybe you don't have to analyse it. Stuff like this happens. It may be the way you interact with your thoughts about it that causes it to feel even more difficult. Learning about acceptance and commitment therapy could maybe help with understanding this sort of stuff.

[slrrrrp]

"Yeah, haha!" is my go-to response in such situations.

[Aelwyn]

I'm just wondering what the sticker said- was it something rude?!

Like Sirrrp, I find a silly little laugh gets me through these situations pretty well.

[Mr. Spaceman]

I find it almost impossible to smile in public, let alone laugh. This is the one good thing about wearing a mask I can just sort of pretend like I'm smiling or laughing and they can't really tell. As for those informal light hearted remarks and, ugh, "banter", well that just consists of someone making a funny comment then staring expectantly at me with the smile slowly fading from their face..

[gregarious_introvert]

I quite like those little interactions, they make me feel connected to the world; I'm on my own a lot of the time and they may be the only human contact I have in the day.

Usually, I have an answer, but today I was caught unawares by a woman at a music festival: I'd just come away from the main stage and the DJ was playing something by Luther Vandross (if I recall correctly, although I can't remember which song) and I'd been absent-mindedly jigging as I walked across the field; anyway, I must have stopped jigging, because the woman said "I saw those knees moving, go for it" and all I could do was offer something between a smile and a laugh, but she seemed happy with that as a response and went on her way. I did, momentarily, feel mildly embarrassed but that was quickly replaced by feeling happy that someone spoke to me.

It's always worth remembering that, in most instances, you're not going to encounter these people again, so any embarrassment you feel isn't going to be repeated when you see them again; it's also encouraging, because if you looked anxious and defensive, the chances are that people wouldn't consider you approachable enough to aim an ad hoc comment your way.

[Jen.]

If I'm in the right mood I can sort of enjoy these kinds of interactions since it can be an opportunity to role-play as a normal person. I generally hate them though, especially when the quickest and easiest way to get them over with is to simply go along with whatever they're saying even when doing so might make you feel worse. Just saying "Haha... yeah" to whatever stupid or ignorant thing they've said instead of picking them up on it, then leaving the situation feeling guilty that I did so.

[Aelwyn]

^ True, I wasn't thinking of laughing at offensive remarks, just the normal everyday pleasantries.

[biscuits]

If I'm feeling chatty then I'll respond properly.

If I don't really want to get into a chat then I'll respond with some sort of pleasant noise and/or gesture. No words, to shut it down pronto.

[MissKatie]

It's okay to have nothing to say, a slight half smile with a blowing of air out of your nose in a "ha that's funny" seems to be enough to placate some people lol

[Chess&Junkfood]

The Costa response sounds good to me, Moksha. I probably would have said something similar myself. Or the times when I'm not feeling my best, then I probably would have just laughed and smiled as a response.

As for the waiting room, I find it can be draining at times to match someone's high energy level. Especially if you are in an environment where a high energy level isn't the norm. A library for example. Although a situation did happen once where the energy level went very high! It was a while ago. I was sitting a few chairs away from this guy, who basically just kicked off big time! Now I can't remember why this guy kicked off like he did. I can't even remember the book that I was reading at the time. But what I do remember, was how I was pretending to read this book, while this guy was wrestling with 2 security guards. So there I was, giving the impression that I was fully engrossed by this literature masterpiece. While also pretending that I didn't hear the words “He's just kicked me in the balls!!!” And even after hearing that, without skipping a beat, I just flipped the page and carried on reading! But in my defence, I was very anxious back then.

[Sunrise]

I don't like being caught off guard in these situations as I can never think of anything clever or witty to say. I always end up responding with a nervous chuckle which just makes the situation seem awkward. What's really annoying is that normally after about 3 or 4 days I'll finally think of the perfect response. I think I'd be a lot more successful socially if time moved more slowly. All I really need to do to make more friends is change the laws of physics.