Who has wanted to attend meets but feels too socially anxious?

[Clayton87]

Hey! so i just joined this site. Essentially to attend meet ups but I'm still too anxious to go to one. I was wondering how many others are in a similar position. Who else has wanted to meet people and make new friends through meets but finds it too difficult?
I always feel everyone will be too confident and i'll be the only one who is anxious. I guess the first meet is always the hardest. For those of you who have gone to meet ups, how did you find the very first one? were you anxious? anticipatory anxiety? how did you feel as the meet got under way and as time went by? and did you make any long lasting friends?
Hopefully by September i want to arrange a meet in the London area for those in my age group it would be great to hear from those who have found it too difficult to attend but have plucked up the courage to go like myself (i hope)
If the group got big then those of us who were too anxious could perhaps meet up beforehand to 'practice' or we could meet in groups of 3 until everyone has met everyone and then all meet together
I really do believe this is the most effective way to beat this social anxiety.
Now Im finding it difficult to send the message thinking everyone will think my message is odd

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by Clayton87

Hey! so i just joined this site. Essentially to attend meet ups but I'm still too anxious to go to one. I was wondering how many others are in a similar position. Who else has wanted to meet people and make new friends through meets but finds it too difficult?
I always feel everyone will be too confident and i'll be the only one who is anxious. I guess the first meet is always the hardest. For those of you who have gone to meet ups, how did you find the very first one? were you anxious? anticipatory anxiety? how did you feel as the meet got under way and as time went by? and did you make any long lasting friends?
Hopefully by September i want to arrange a meet in the London area for those in my age group it would be great to hear from those who have found it too difficult to attend but have plucked up the courage to go like myself (i hope)
If the group got big then those of us who were too anxious could perhaps meet up beforehand to 'practice' or we could meet in groups of 3 until everyone has met everyone and then all meet together
I really do believe this is the most effective way to beat this social anxiety.
Now Im finding it difficult to send the message thinking everyone will think my message is odd

Hello and welcome
Well I was literally crapping myself. Went, big meet in a pub about 30 people. Didn't know a single one before hand. Realised that I didn't even know who or what the group comprised of so I had to approach random strangers in the hope that they were 'SAUK'. After 20 mins or so I picked a group and got it right first time. Sat there in virtual silence for 2 hours or more and absolutely hated every second of it.

I think you have the right idea though of going to smaller meets. I got over it though and have been to so many meets I've lost count and I get no anxiety from them at all now. I spent the first 6 months on the forum too scared to even post, so you're doing well Probably about a year after I joined I actually went to my first meet.

[Detox]

I tried pushing myself to go to a meet tomorrow but I couldn't.
It is difficult for many people I'd imagine, I'm sure some can do it straight away though. No worries though as I'm sure you'll be ok when you decide to go to one.

[Asymmetric Being]

I was terrified the first time and bottled it. I made it eventually. I'd recommend going to a smaller meet first or even a one to one meet if there is anyone who lives near to you.

You would be made very welcome tomorrow Detox we are a friendly bunch if a liitle crazy :p

[ßazza]

I believe my first time I went with someone I already made friends with beforehand which made it easier.

There two ways that I found people find meets easier. Large meets because you become anonymous. Small meets where its not as intimidating. Comes down to personal choice. You can also leave very early. Attend without saying you coming and watch from afar without joining group (Not straight away that is.) - Which is kinda stalker-ish I suppose lol but who fvcking cares if thats what helps you attend either that meet or a future meet. Possibly just intend to got to a meet but allow yourself to leave if you feel too nervous once arrived and do not feel upto joining in. Attend with someone you already know. Or the more common method of meeting up with someone you may not actually know and spend time with them first a while before meet. Generally be some people that be happy do that as I generally am. Dont mind quick cuppa an hour before meet say before I travel or near destination itself but before meet starts.

Dont be bothered by people who seem quite confidence etc. (me lol) Everyone is at different stages and everyone respects eachother, be it very nervous, or seemingly confident. If no one could speak I would personally think it would make it quite awkward group, its balanced when mixture people at different stages or problems etc. So dont worry that much if not talking much compared to someone else. Its all good and just try single one person out to talk to when you feel upto it. Afterall.. it wouldnt be an sa meet if there wasnt sa people - Which presumably everyone is one way or other.

You should come detox Shame not feeling upto it. Next time. For record I was looking forward meeting you, gutted when said you not coming. But next time.

[Geminus]

I'm the same dude. There have been a few meets throughout my time here, that I felt it would be nice to attend but I haven't yet built up the chutzpah to take that first step (currently going through a semi-isolation phase), either that or meets that I feel I would be more comfortable to attend (such as the Little Venice - Camden walk tomorrow) tend to clash with other things I have planned.

[red01]

• So what happens at "meets" then?
• Does everyone just sit in a large group and chat?
• Is there one person that takes the lead?
• The meets take place in pubs I understand, is there a way to recognise the SAUK group?

[cementedshoes]

Yeah I can relate to pretty much everything you've said. I think it's only natural though, it's annoying having the need and not the nerve but having rushed into social situations in the past without considering why I'm doing it, how i'll cope and what I expect from it beforehand, I can only conclude that I gotta learn to walk before I start sprinting.

I'm not confident that I wouldn't go all 'performing monkey' and lose my self in the process. I'd hate to make it all about pressurising myself to become accepted by others, when I'm just learning to accept and know me as a whole person and not as all the damage thats been acquired over the years, it might throw me from the progress I'm already making.

Besides all that there doesn't seem to be much happening meetwise in my neck of the woods so I'd either have to attempt setting one up myself or plan something properly in advance so I could travel to one further afield but I'll cross that bridge if n when.

Can't hurt to try n stimulate some convos with people online in the meantime like, nice getting to know new people by any means
( aye take your own advice Bec )

[Only_human]

I've been to two group meets through sauk. Both of which I arranged and did in my area. I always have peaks in confidence in the early hours so yup both threads were put up when I was feeling especially motivated...followed by shear horror when I woke up to realise they'd actually generated interest lol. The first one was my first group meet but I had met 2 saukers on 1-1 meets before hand so one of them came towards the end of the meet. Knowing what random person to approach at the cinema was sooo awkward. I was kept thinking about bailing at the meet and was so nervous I was late to my own meet! Lol and I only live 10 mins walk away! Haha embarassing! Then we ended up scraping the cinema plans and going to a pub instead and ended up all sat around a large table. It did feel a bit like I was at a conference at times I must admit lol mainly because of the forced set up we was sitting in and not knowing anyone really. But having said that everyone was really nice that came and not intimidating or anything. My nerves can go either two ways, I don't say a thing all night or I blabber complete nonsense constantly....in both of my meet's case's i've done the latter! Second group meet was an all girls one i arranged via here for my house. 4 girls showed up and again I was really nervous before hand but i did feel quite relaxed as i was on my own territory and it was a small meet.

I've also been on a couple of 1-1 meets with sauker's. All of the meets so far have occured in my own area and they were all really nice to be willing to travel to near where I live. I've met two of them a few times and hopefully will meet a couple of the other's ive met again soon. I hope to keep meeting them and form consistent friendships as well as meeting others still. I still need to venture to meets further out and target meeting bigger groups too as I need to improve with that.

It's great you've only just joined and already are setting the wheels in motion to change and improve!

[helenjane]

I've been wanting to attend a meet for sometime now but just dont have the guts to do it and i dont know when i ever will

I've met a few people from here individually and ive spoken to people on here on the phone which is something i suppose but as i struggle in groups then i feel really daunted about going to a meet, it would help if i had someone to go with me really to hold my hand lol I dont know if thats the done thing though. i would like to go to one at some point anyway and hope to before the year 2020

[pAuL1974]

The first meet I tried to attend was a pub meet. I made it into Central London but just could not face going into the pub. Paced up and down outside a few times, but it was a wasted trip.

A couple of weeks later there was another meet, I think at the same pub. I summoned up the courage that time, and am very glad that I did. Further meets and friendships followed, and attending my first meet - difficult though it was - was a big step in helping to improve my situation.

[MrMr]

yeah i feel that way, of i should say felt that way, i'm getting to the point where i want to go now.

[Phool]

My comfort zone is 1-4 people. I'm OK 6-8. Any more and I struggle. I have been to one meet with 6 people, after a few hours I started getting tired so I left. I think I'm going to take baby steps and try going to some more small meets before trying the bigger ones. I'd actually like to meet people 1-2-1 but that hasn't worked out so far.

[Sea]

I think most people are going to be nervous about meets. And if you only just joined the site, then even more so. I wouldn't have dreamed of going to a meet after just joining the site, I needed time to suss everyone out and see who I was most likely to relate to and therefore who I would be most comfortable meeting in real life. I think it helps to know at least one other person who is going, even if 'knowing' them consists only of a few PM's beforehand.
I think I was on this site over two years before I went to a meet, and even then it was one with only about 5 people. Since then I went to one other meet (also about 5 people). And then the third meet for some reason I got cold feet about (think the fact it was in a pub on a Sat evening in the city centre was what did it!), but I met two people for a walk in the afternoon before they went to the official meet. And I have met one-to-one with a couple of people from SAUK a handful of times, which I generally find much easier. For some of us it is baby steps. It's still progress though, so just do what you are comfortable with and don't beat yourself up if/when you feel too nervous to attend.
I haven't felt confident about meets for the last year or so, but just now I am thinking it might be a possibility for me again. Depends so much on mood/outlook at the time.

[disdain]

Don't be hard on yourselves guys. Most people met with the task of meeting a group of twenty strangers would find it anxiety provoking. It takes a lot to get there.

[TheInbetweener]

Im in the same boat really. Never been too a meet, altho I posted 3 posts on another forum and never visited again, only to end up meeting with someone 1on1 for the first time. I was nervous but it went well, its wasnt far from me at all and she was nice. It has made me want to do the whole group thing I just havnt found a meet/area thats not really far. If its take a few trains and tubes to get to the meet im gonna be stressed enough before I even get there.

I do want to do 1on1s and group meets it just doesnt seem to want to happen atm which is a shame as its probably the only thing keeping me on this forum now. But then I dont really strike up friendships on here I just roam more than anything.

[Saponara_Immobile]

Yeah I must have posted on about ten different meet threads with the intention of going before I finally made it to one a couple of months back, I was constantly chickening out/finding excuses to miss them. First meet I was nervous as hell and it was hard cos all the other people had known each other a while and were all talking comfortably with each other (I had wrongly assumed there would be other newbies) so that was hard but once I got over that it got better cos the people were all nice. I agree that the big meets are off-putting, like others have said over 8 or so ppl makes me very anxious and more likely to be withdrawn (so far the two meets i've been to have had 8 and 4 ppl- the 4 person one everyone was new to each other so that was easier) so these meets that have 20 or so ppl are quite intimidating to me but hopefully I will be able to go to one in the future.

[charlie188]

My big fear would also be that everyone was more chatty/confident/easy going than me. Being the quietist/most nervous one in a group of SA sufferers I think would just crush my confidence. That said, people handle nerves in differet ways & I'd never know if that would happen unless I actually went to one!

[dan iel]

I reckon everyone will worry a lot about feeling arkward or left out but because we all like minded I'm sure it won't be bad. I think it'll be really interesting, and it'll be a nice day out hopefully (Yeah right summer weather)

[STRING3R]

I would like to go, but I literally just can't. Even if someone forced me.

[Optimistic]

Everyone is anxious doing things that are different to them. For us, this anxiety can be very high! The important thing is you can choose do it when you're ready. I remember when I went my first meet and initially I felt awkward as I wasn't certain if I was meeting in the right place,whether it would go well etc etc. but it did and it was really fun and I don't think I would have improved anywhere near as much without them.

I recommend pushing yourself to do them bit if you find that too anxious then do something a little less anxiety-producing. initially meeting new people can be quiet scary but after a bit it can be quiet fun. it just takes a lot of time and patience.