How would you react if you saw someone on their own in a pub?

[hollowone]

I was feeling lonely this evening, was sick of being shut in the house all day, no-one I knew was available to meet-up. I visited two pubs in my neighborhood (where I know no-one).

If you saw someone in a pub reading a book on their own, what would you assume? I did this because I heard on another forum about people complaning about having no-one to go out with, being faced with the choice of staying in or going out alone. Some of the replies on the thread of this other forum mentioned going out alone with a book or some other reason. I did that, took my book about the Island of Saint Kilda. Reading a book like that with a pint was far better than sitting in front of the telly or a laptop in your room. At least there's conversations going on around to chip-into if needed, at least there's the opportunity to 'people watch', at least there's learning by osmosis. It's better than being sat inside.

I think going out was the right thing to do. At least you get the opportunity to chip into conversations which you don't get sat at home. The only people who might think it's sad are likely people who probably don't have the guts to do so themselves, or who don't know what it's like to be very isolated (or do something about it). Most people have better things to think about as to why some random is not with a group of friends or a partner, and even so, the worst that could happen is they might be curious.

What would you assume of someone sitting on their own in a pub reading a book?

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by hollowone

...What would you assume of someone sitting on their own in a pub reading a book?

Personally, I wouldn't assume anything. It's simply someone sitting down reading.

Having said that, I see where you are coming from. I'm often that guy sitting on his own reading. Not in pubs anymore, although I used to do that too. But these days I spend a day a week reading and writing in a coffee shop on my own. I do a bit of people-watching too. As I'm a regular I've got to know some of the staff as well, which is nice.

In a way I used to use this as an exposure exercise, but I'm so comfortable with it now that the whole thing is second nature. I don't give it a second thought. It's funny really because in the past I'd see people happily sitting on their own engrossed in what they are reading or writing and I'd sort of envy their ability to do that. You know, looking like they are there on their own doing their own thing on their own terms and enjoying it too.

Lets be honest, not everyone can do that. Most people need the safety blanket of having at least one friend with them or even a group of mates around them. When I say 'most people' I'm talking about your supposed 'normals' here, not your average SA person. Many everyday people who do not have SA Disorder would feel rather vulnerable and conspicuous sat alone in any social/public setting.

People will do things in their own way, of course, but my approach was to always have a purpose for being there when sat alone somewhere. No one wants to come across as a bit of a weird guy sat in the corner watching everyone because that can seem a bit creepy and attract attention. I always have my books and writing materials out and a drink on my table. You simply blend in then and no one bats an eyelid. I really enjoy it. There's no pressure to converse with anyone but the opportunity sometimes comes up if you want it. I also often see other people sat alone doing the same as me or working on their laptop.

I suppose if I was to make an assumption it would probably be along the lines of... that guy over there looks to be pretty confident and seems to be very content doing his own thing. Good on that guy!

[Mo34]

I wouldn't assume anything.

When I was under the CMHT I used to have to meet a group pf people in a pub. Because of SA I had to get there first before everyone, get myself a drink which was always a soft one - diet coke (so no dutch courage alas) and sit down. My anxiety levels were through the roof but I did do it and would sit for 15 mins with a newspaper on my own at a table until the organiser arrived. No one bothered particularly.
As I got more comfortable with it i'd look round and see what other ppl were up to and there were quite a few people over the course of the weeks I attended just popping in after work with a paper and having a pint. All men to be fair but still it seems perfectly normal and quite a few ppl do it.

It's not for me as I have no inclination/desire to go and chat with strangers in that kind of way.
But sitting with a book/paper in a pub on your own seems perfectly normal. I really doubt many ppl would bat an eyelid to be honest or think much about it.

[newbs16]

I would think you was brave. I struggle even walking in a pub on my own let alone staying in there for a long time. Some people would judge anyone and they shouldn't.

[AnnieLu]

I'd think the person was brave and be a little jealous.

I had a similar conversation with a non-SA friend recently. I said I have taken myself to a coffee shop on my own before, had a chai latte and wrote a letter. But I wouldn't dare go to a pub. She said she felt like she'd do the opposite. She'e happily sit in a pub on her own with a book, but not so much a cafe. Her reasoning that she could have a drink in a pub, loosen up a bit, and that people are more chatty in pubs so she'd be more likely to strike up conversion than in a cafe.

[Olly.]

Maybe have a look around you next time you're in a pub with lots of people in it, I'd bet you any money (well 50p maybe) you'll see someone else on their own, whether it's for a quick pint after work or reading a book, seriously, very few people will think anything of it.

[Spider22324]

I wouldn't think much of it. If someone wants to read on their own in a pub, let them. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[Lord Lucan]

It's normal for people to go into a pub alone. I used to do it all the time.

[Professor Willow]

I have to admit that I haven't been in a pub for some time but when I used to go quite regularly there would always be someone sat alone reading a book or a newspaper with a pint, can't say I ever thought it was odd.

I myself am too much of a pansy to go into a pub on my own so I say well done to you Hollowone for doing it.

[Utopia]

You do see it quite a lot actually, sometimes you will see full on alcoholics drinking alone. Nowhere is it more clear than in a pub -- many people don't like to be seen alone or to even be alone for 5 minutes. I don't mind being alone to an extent, but not so much in a social environment like that as it ruins my concentration.

[Mikei]

I remember when I was much younger I'd go into the Rummer in Bristol on a saturday night to watch the MTV European top 20 on their TV's and have a bottle of newcastle brown ale before moving on, but that was when there was no smartphones, social media and you had to go to the chemist to get your photographs developed.

[Silent Treatment]

I've occasionally done it..curiously only when I've been on holiday for some reason..it's been fine..but the pub has to be quiet!

[Utopia]

Originally Posted by Fungus

When I previously visited pubs or even coffee places with someone I always look around to see if there are any lone people and what they are doing simply to see how normal it is. It pleases me to see them although there will always be some who mock but they are always the ignorant ones. I know some therapist recommend doing things like this alone for exposure therapy but still would feel deeply uncomfortable doing it myself.

Yes, at times people do seem to mock others who are on their own -- It seems to be a part of human nature sadly. Personally I don't mind being alone, but it can make you a target, particularly if everyone else is in groups. I would prefer to do things with at most a few other people, but I don't mind walking around on my own either... I wouldn't want to get in the habit of drinking alone however.

[umm]

Originally Posted by hollowone

What would you assume of someone sitting on their own in a pub reading a book?

I would assume they are a bit of a beer enthusiast, maybe even a member of CAMRA I might assume they are the sort of confident person that can comfortably go into a pub, enjoy an ale and not need endless company. I'd think perhaps that the contents of such a person's mind (or indeed their book) were sufficient to entertain them.

As people say above, it's not uncommon. In fact it seems quite normal. I've done it myself - been that person, hoped I got perceived as above. I actually sort of miss doing it. Mind you, I would choose my pub, and avoid a sort of lad-heavy noisy bar in favour of something a bit classier or interesting-looking.

[Hayman]

I've been in the odd pub where I've seen someone sitting there with a newspaper in the corner. I will say those occasions are rare from my own observations. They're a little more common in the likes of coffee shops but these people are usually the likes of sales reps having a break…

I've been in two pubs completely alone – bought myself a pint and basically found somewhere reasonably quiet to sit and looked around whilst looking at my phone… If anyone would have approached me, I would have genuinely spoken to them in return out of politeness. I was kind-of hoping something like that would have happened on these occasions but no, I was left to go about my business – which is only fair, really. Once the pint was consumed (I take a while to drink), I left…

I was nervous as heck going in and sitting down on both occasions, but I was 'okay' after about five minutes. I felt completely odd, but no one seemed to care – which did help. If people would have stared at me, I'd have had that pint down me in about three minutes flat and walked out…

Personally, I wouldn't assume anything of someone going into such a place alone. If I'd make assumptions I'd be guilty of the very things that increase my own social anxiety… I'd leave them to go about their business.

Originally Posted by Mo34

It's not for me as I have no inclination/desire to go and chat with strangers in that kind of way.

Same here. I couldn't dream of cold approaching someone for a chat. I know I couldn't do it. The only way I'd get into conversation of that nature if there were clear signs of wanting me to join into a group of I was directly approached myself. I'd gladly make my best efforts to communicate then, but not in any other circumstance.

Typically, this is where people like ourselves with Social Anxiety are immediately blamed for our situation, without an understanding that this is exactly what the condition is... You're shy and you can't approach. It's not something you can just 'forget' about on someone's say so. They expect you to sit there whilst they say to you, in a condescending manner, that we should do all the approaching, where they expect us to say "Ohhh… I get it now. Okay. I’ll forget about my shyness and just to around tapping random people on the shoulder wanting conversations…".

[Victoriablack]

I'd try to see what the book was and silently pass judgement on their reading material

[David K]

If they were reading, I'd assume they want to be left in peace.

[hollowone]

I should add, that night it was a very quiet local place, mostly middle-aged people and a small group of young people, no big rowdy groups, fairly non-threatening. If not, I would have turned-round and walked-out, or downed it had I ordered.

Still it's nice to be surounded by people. There were conversations around I could have chipped-into. It's nice, to be in a situation where you feel no pressure, but you can join in conversations if you want to.

I was just sick and tired of my room, sick and tired of the tv, had no-one available to meet-up with or to invite round. I think I should do that more often, except maybe chip-into & contribute to any conversations around me that I can add things to, get to know the regulars.

I shall bear in mind all the replies I've seen here the next time I do that. Nobody around me really cared at the time.

[Hayman]

Originally Posted by hollowone

Still it's nice to be surounded by people. There were conversations around I could have chipped-into. It's nice, to be in a situation where you feel no pressure, but you can join in conversations if you want to.

I was just sick and tired of my room, sick and tired of the tv, had no-one available to meet-up with or to invite round. I think I should do that more often, except maybe chip-into & contribute to any conversations around me that I can add things to, get to know the regulars.

I should add, that night it was a very quiet local place, mostly middle-aged people and a small group of young people, no big rowdy groups, fairly non-threatening. If not, I would have turned-round and walked-out, or downed it had I ordered.

I will admit that if I ventured out alone and found myself in a rowdy pub or a pub where there was a notably large proportion of people younger than me (I'm 31), there's a good chance I would have turned around and headed straight back out again. The only exception to this would be if I was with someone. I can then 'tolerate' crowds. I certainly can't handle it alone. A pub filled with middle-aged people or older people? No problem – I'd happily sit there alone. A few months ago in those pubs I mentioned – one was practically empty and the second had several people in there, but I saw all of them were 40 plus.

Indeed, I don't actually mind being in public spaces for people. It's just upsetting when you know you’re not included. Sadly, I've tried to explain this to people in the past and been immediately put at fault as I haven't, in effect, forced myself upon them. Again, there's no actual understanding of what Social Anxiety actually is. I can't physically make the first move. I would happily speak to people if I was spoken to first or there was a clear indication that I could join in (i.e – I was looked at whilst a conversation was going on and it was clear they were also making the conversation known to me). In that circumstance, there would have been a fair chance I'd have plucked up the courage to join in. I done so about 18 months ago when I found myself having to spend two nights in hospital. I'm quite an easy going person. I simply don't have the courage to make the first move and it's this that regular people don’t seem to understand. It's misinterpreted as me being purposefully nasty or awkward when nothing could be further from the truth.

Since the back end of last year, I've made concerted efforts to get out more – and to a degree I've very much succeeded at this. I have got out more and my previous doubters have fallen very quiet over me not going out. They encouraged me to do so but I placed a bet with them that nothing would actually change for me (i.e – gain friends, respect, a partner – the usual things that just 'materalise' for people). Fast forward just over a year and what I predicted is exactly what’s happened. I've done the same things as other people, despite being frightened. Others have increased their social circles. Me? Nothing. No new friends, I remain dateless and I'm still insulted for not doing enough even though I've actually gone above and beyond the efforts made by others I know – who don't have to contend with either Social Anxiety or Depression.

Point proven and this is a very large reason why I kept away from going out in my early twenties. Everyone else progressed. I stood still. Nothing…ever…changes. Once again, I find myself pushed to the edge of depression again.

I really don't know what else I can do.

[Mr. Nobody]

I've worked away from home a good few times over the years,
and I always end up sitting having a drink on my own,
in certain places, I'd imagine it's pretty common,

but even though it's pretty acceptable, understandable and no big deal in most people's eyes,
I couldn't help but feel like it was a little victory over SA to be able to do it,
I love the smell of food & beer in the evening,... it smells like,.. victory