Attempted suicide...

This subject may be a little heavy. Yesterday evening, I attempted to hang myself. It wasn't a cry for help, I seriously believed I was doing myself and the world a favour by removing myself from the planet. Anyway, I stopped breathing for a minute I think, blacked out, and woke on the garage floor. My bloody belt buckle had snapped. I managed to get to the lounge where I collapsed on the settee. My parents found me later. Today, I feel really guilty, having seen my parents reaction at just finding me on the settee, I can't imagine them having to find me swinging away in the garage. But I also feel even more of a failure and a screw up cos I can't even hang myself properly without something going bloody wrong. Erm, any thoughts?

bloody hell chris writer!!........ It obviously wasnt your time dude!! Get some help matey!!

Ill be nobbing off in the near future but if you wants a pen pal to moan at pm me and Ill see what I can do!!

No one deserves to feel that shit and dont feel guilty for trying....sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do!

Id give you lots of luvly "nicey" hugs but whats the point.....do they actually mean that much from a random stranger??

best thing I can do is offer to be a listening ear....and thats exactly what Ill do......im crap with advice anyway!!

Take care , your special in your own right!! see it as a learning experience and move on!!.....



Bloody hate this smilie but cant find an appropriate one!!

[ShyDoll]

Oh hun thats awful =(

You could look at this as a sign (if youre the hippy type like me lol).. A sign that you werent meant to go then.

I dont know much about suicide really..ive thought about it before and ive got a bit of a fascination with death going on..

I'd just try and seek some help if i were you. Try and find a good counsellor that will talk to you but also let you talk if you can manage to.

Ps CW...somewhere deep in your post I actually see a funny / witty Guy!! Dont let him go to waste

Cheers, Sidney, I did kind of think "something" was trying to tell me it wasn't my time...that or don't buy cheap belts. Thanks for the kind words. As for the help, been to the docs who has bumped my meds right up, got someone from the dramatically named "Crisis Centre" coming later and my dad has sorted out a private therapist for me instead of waiting 6 bloody months for the NHS one. Still feel a failure though.

[Winnie57]

You're not a failure ChrisWriter. We were disappointed you couldn't come to the meet in Sheffield. I hadn't realised things were so bad for you.

I am so sorry. I do hope the therapy helps you feel better and makes you feel life is worth living - because it is!

[ShyDoll]

=( sucks when you cant get the help you really need. I'm in the same position to be honest.

You thought about emailing samaritans? I did so once, it was a lot better than phoning someone as i could sit and say what i needed to say then check it over. I have a link if you'd like it?

[ShyDoll]

Originally Posted by dualcore

Your not a faliure, youve had the guts to tell a bunch of strangers about your problem that takes balls.

I agree with Sidney too!

Good point.

Thanks for all your kind words. Though you're strangers, we're all kinda in the same boat - maybe I'm a little more out at sea. I was gutted to not be able to make the Sheffield meet, Winnie, I was really looking forward to it. Hope everyone had a good time. And to ShyDoll, that Samaritans link would be useful in case of future emergencies!

[ShyDoll]

http://www.samaritans.org/

And the email address is: jo@samaritans.org

Hope you feel better soon

^ Thanks, Courtenay

[ShyDoll]

Hehe =)

[Pal]

Hi Chris

Chin up mate, it's a horrible place to be.

I'm surprised they didn't detain you, they usually do.

Go with Shydolls suggestion and keep the Samaritions on hold, it makes for great emergency support should you get desperate again. Shydoll's wise like that.

If you want to continue the arranged pairings things that's fine, equally if you want to dcall it a day that's also fine. I'm happy either way, you're not a loon, no one here thinks you are and if anyone does then they deserve a taste of what you're going through.

Find some destractions, or failing that go and see friends/family/aquaintances etc.

What does your ex partner think of all this? Has she been in touch?

Paul

[ShyDoll]

Originally Posted by Pal

Go with Shydolls suggestion and keep the Samaritions on hold, it makes for great emergency support should you get desperate again. Shydoll's wise like that.

Why thank you Pal *slips a tenner in your pocket*

[Pal]

Originally Posted by ShyDoll

Why thank you Pal *slips a tenner in your pocket*

Oi, we said £50.

[ShyDoll]

*rummages around in handbag*

ok heres another fiver.. a lipgloss.. a tissue.. and a clip on earring..

Will that do? =p

[Pal]

Originally Posted by ShyDoll

*rummages around in handbag*

ok heres another fiver.. a lipgloss.. a tissue.. and a clip on earring..

Will that do? =p

Will the earing suit me?

Lip gloss will be useful, i'm going on Roacutaine in a months time and my lips are going to crack with dryness.

[fruitloop]

I hope you're feeling better now ChrisWriter, I was once in that place a long time ago and have to admit to feeling a bit like I'm headed that way again.
Anywho, hopefully you'll get the help you need and you can look back at some point and be thankful that the belt snapped, everybody deserves to live, and I agree that you seem like a witty charming fellow
Good Luck with everything

Bugs :multi:

[W!llow]

glad you are still with us Chriswriter. I hope things get better for you.

[Crazy Diamond]

Hey Chris,

Although we don't know each other I can totally empathize with you here.
While I never carried out anything exactly I've been there a few more and, yes, it can be pretty much hell when you feel like that.
Personally, I can't imagine how my own parents and the rest of my family would have felt had I done anything in that way. Having thought about them, I could never do something like that to them.

You sound like a decent person and, like everyone, you'll have a lot going for you. That's something you can only build on in time

I hope you can take and use the good suggestions that the others have made here as they will really help!

It does get better!!

Take care.
Andy.

[caughtbythefuzz]

I'm so, so sorry to read this ChrisWriter. I really hope you'll start to see that life is worth living despite it all, and that the world would most definitely not be better off without you.

I was thinking maybe this might help a little in the short-term, sorry if it's inappropriate or anything.



Pain - Khalil Gibran (from The Prophet)

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with his own sacred tears.



Self-Knowledge

And a man said, "Speak to us of Self-Knowledge."

And he answered, saying:

Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.

But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.

You would know in words that which you have always know in thought.

You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.

And it is well you should.

The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;

And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.

But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;

And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.

For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."

Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."

For the soul walks upon all paths.

The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.

The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

Thanks for the ego boosts! Two women from the hospital have just visited and have offered counselling, starting tomorrow, and an emergency number if the suicidal feelings return. Perhaps I should've posted on here yesterday to say I was gonna do it but I had really made my mind up, it was going to happen. It is kinda reassuring to know others have been in this position. I don't think I could do it to my parents now, and I owe it to them, and myself, to at least see what effect the counselling and med's have on me.

Blip, thanks for the post, will read it properly when I'm less doped up on happy pills

All the best with that ChrisWriter, & better days are 2 come You can be sure of it.

Sorry to hear what happened, Chris. Hope things get better for you

[Kevin Hodge]

aw chris, i'm so shocked and saddened to read this.

i spotted you whn you started posting straight away, your posts seemed so lively and clever. then you didn't post for a wee while and i wondered where you'd got to. i saw you post elsewhere first today and thought 'yay! he's back!', and then i came in here to see this

i have a lot of doom in my head, and i fear that if i didn't stave it off i would find myself really believing that life isn't worth living. but i know that my view of life has been totally shaped by my experiences so far, and i know i have had a lot of negative experiences. so in a sense, a lot of what i feel now can't really count, because it's based on bad stuff that happened when i was just a wee boy, too young and inexperienced to understand that things don't have to be that way. in a way, i don't really know how to be alive, because so much has been all messed up so far. but i want to learn.

i'm learning to work against the bad stuff in my head and i want to have my chance to really feel like i'm alive and living out my potential in the world before i bog off for good. please chris, can you just make a pact with yourself and say that you need to try to fight the bad stuff before you will allow yourself to give in?

once again, i'm so sorry to hear that you felt so bad - and i'm so glad that you didn't die! FFS! seriously, please don't beat yourself up that you didn't do it right!

it sounds like you have a lot of offers of support there, and you have only just started using this place, so wait and see, eh?

i REALLY hope you feel better soon. hang in there, bud

[Winnie57]

Originally Posted by ChrisWriter

Thanks for the ego boosts! Two women from the hospital have just visited and have offered counselling, starting tomorrow, and an emergency number if the suicidal feelings return. Perhaps I should've posted on here yesterday to say I was gonna do it but I had really made my mind up, it was going to happen. It is kinda reassuring to know others have been in this position. I don't think I could do it to my parents now, and I owe it to them, and myself, to at least see what effect the counselling and med's have on me.

I'm glad you're getting counselling - I hope that will help keep suicidal thoughts at bay and get you into a more positive frame of mind... and remember you've got lots of friends here

[CeeJay]

Oh Chris I always look out for your posts too. I think you are great. I feel very sad and tearful to think you felt that was the only way out. You seem like a top fella to me. We need people like you on this planet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope this is a massive turning point in your life and that you get the help you need and deserve.

Please please speak to someone if you ever feel like that again.

[bluebottle]

So sorry you felt that bad.

Glad to hear you are still with us though, and you are getting some help now.

As others have said this could be an enormous turning point for you, if you decide to give life and yourself a real chance. I was at a very low point in my life at the beginning of this year, when I had to ask myself the question whether to give up or make a serious go at tackling my problems, and changing my approach to life. I decided to do the latter and right now I feel more happy and in control of my own life than ever before. And believe me, I used to be the most pessimistic and negative person anyone could imagine.

If I could to it, anyone can, including you!!!

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by ChrisWriter

This subject may be a little heavy. Yesterday evening, I attempted to hang myself. It wasn't a cry for help, I seriously believed I was doing myself and the world a favour by removing myself from the planet. Anyway, I stopped breathing for a minute I think, blacked out, and woke on the garage floor. My bloody belt buckle had snapped. I managed to get to the lounge where I collapsed on the settee. My parents found me later. Today, I feel really guilty, having seen my parents reaction at just finding me on the settee, I can't imagine them having to find me swinging away in the garage. But I also feel even more of a failure and a screw up cos I can't even hang myself properly without something going bloody wrong. Erm, any thoughts?

Bloody hell, Chris.

That's a scary place to be in, mate.

A failure? No!
You were in a bad place and tried to find a way out. Thankfully that way out may now come in the form of help rather than in the form you originally planned.

I remember taking a paracetamol overdose when was a teenager, not only did I not die, I didn't even wreck my liver, which is common with paracetamol overdose. I felt such a failure too. Isn't it crazy how our perfectionism even stretches as far as beating ourselves up for not getting suicide right.

Anyway, I think you've got a lot of living left to do yet, Chris.
I really do wish you all the best. If you feel that bad again in future I hope you access the samaritans or talk to someone here on the board. I do realise that rational thought goes out of the window at such times, but still, I hope you can find it in you to seek help if you reach crisis again. Hopefully the counselling will help prevent that, though.

Look after yourself, Chris.