Dealing with partner's family

[Rockysocks]

Hi

I have been in a relationship with my partner for five months. We lived around an hours drive from each other so she moved in with me a couple of weeks ago.

I am living in Australia and all my family are in the UK except my older brother. He is married with kids and I see him for a few hours once a week or once a fortnight.

My partner and her family are very close and I feel she wants me to have this kind of relationship with them. I know they used to do lots together though her and her sibling are in their twenties.

I feel uncomfortable in her parent's house and I don't really like going. In my view I am in a relationship with her and not her family.

I know in serious relationships your partner's family becomes your own but I cannot see it that way. My family is my family through blood and years spent creating bonds etc. I don't expect my partner to spend lots of time with my parents (though they are not in this country). I find parents tend to be overbearing, speaking from my experience of my own. Her mother is very clingy and when we first started dating she text her lots asking where she was what she was doing etc.

I guess after five months I feel it's too early to be heavily involved with her family and would rather see them once a month not once a week.

I know in part I am being selfish but I hate that anxious-awkward feeling and would rather avoid the situation. I guess it doesn't help that they are very different people to me and I have to hold back on things (swearing and such) so that bothers me too.

I think there's also a cultural difference too, because her family is Chinese and in Chinese culture family is very central whereas I am British and independence tends to be encouraged among British families even where the adult children live at home still.

How do you deal with your partner's family?

[clyde33]

Hmmm that's a tricky one. Does your girlfriend know how you feel? Could a compromise be reached that would make everyone happy? I think the differences between each culture probably has a huge amount to do with it as families mean different things in different countries. The situation might change though as it's only been five months and you'll still be getting to know them and vice versa.

[newbs16]

As your girlfriend is close to her family you will probably need to include them more, saying that maybe they are not too bothered about seeing you they just want to their daughter lol

[BarbM]

I find seeing her family once a week is a lot. I suggest you have an open talk with your girlfriend. She can go see her family without you if she wants to see them more often. That's basically how my partner and I are dealing with this; I go see my parents alone, and he visits his without me as well. From time to time, we see them together. We haven't even really spoken about this, it came naturally; it's normal he's not as interested in visiting my parents as I am and vice versa. Besides, like newbie2013 said, parents usually just want to see their kids

Not sure how this is viewed in Chinese culture. I'm always an advocate of an open and honest talk though.

[Rockysocks]

Hi

Thanks for replying.

Barb in my experience of past relationships/dating and from my own family and their partners that is the kind of thing I am used to, too. Each partner seeing their own parents etc alone more than as a couple.

Apparently her parents do want to know me more, although I feel they know me as much as I want them to as it is. I think in Chinese culture it's very different from what I can gather. My ex housemate said I was lucky they wanted to know me - she is white, her boyfriend is Chinese and after two-three years in a relationship together his parents have only just started to accept their relationship and invite her over.

I guess I have boundaries, we all do. Anyway, I have spoken to my partner, and she has told her mum I am not ready to spend lots of time with them. I dunno if this will impact on our relationship in the long term or what but it's so early right now I am still learning things about my girlfriend as it is.

[thequietman]

Had to reply to this as I have been in this position this past 15 years and it's never gotten easier

I still feel awkward around them but my Mrs is so close to them it annoys me. My mother told me once blood is thicker than water and it's true where her and her family is involved. I am not close to them in the slightest, we just don't click, have nothing in common. I'm from the city, they're from the country big into farming and hunting fishing etc, zero middle ground for us.

I see them a couple of times a year and it suits me fine, they only live 10 miles down the road.

[BarbM]

Originally Posted by pink_wafer

Hi

Thanks for replying.

Barb in my experience of past relationships/dating and from my own family and their partners that is the kind of thing I am used to, too. Each partner seeing their own parents etc alone more than as a couple.

Apparently her parents do want to know me more, although I feel they know me as much as I want them to as it is. I think in Chinese culture it's very different from what I can gather. My ex housemate said I was lucky they wanted to know me - she is white, her boyfriend is Chinese and after two-three years in a relationship together his parents have only just started to accept their relationship and invite her over.

I guess I have boundaries, we all do. Anyway, I have spoken to my partner, and she has told her mum I am not ready to spend lots of time with them. I dunno if this will impact on our relationship in the long term or what but it's so early right now I am still learning things about my girlfriend as it is.

Thanks for the update, sounds like your girlfriend is understanding, I hope her family is too. What matters most is that you two are happy together and build a good relationship between you, so hopefully parents won't play a role in this.

Thequietman, you seem to be handling it fine, seeing them just a few times a year I was in relationships before when I also didn't feel any connection with my partner's parents and it sucks when you have to socialize and see people just for the sake of it.