The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning - Page 16

Gomen · #**451** 27th February 2018, 22:28

@Muffins Not really I was depressed at work all day. Then I thought about what that looks like so I straightened up. I know from my high school days potential bullies can sense something is bothering and try to take advantage of the situation.

Also didn't want management to think I hate working there so they cut my hours haha.

gregarious_introvert · #**452** 28th February 2018, 11:24

This thread is so busy lately - I'm feeling guilty that I've been so absorbed with my own stuff lately that I haven't been around to try to offer some support! I'm sure it can't be a coincidence that we're approaching the end of a long winter, with the coldest days coming just as everyone is thinking about Spring. It's just three weeks to the Vernal Equinox, I hope all seems better as we are surrounded by longer days and rebirth.

@Skitz - depression is a sneak thief, taking all the pleasure out of life and leaving us feeling empty and pointless; I hope you can manage to engage in a positive way with one of your passions. It's good that you've been spending time with friends, but has that time been doing something you love? I hope some light appears at the end of the tunnel soon and that you're able to see the beauty in life again.

@Dimples - your qualities shine through in your posts, you bring light and happiness into our lives; often, it's difficult for us to appreciate ourselves the way others do, but this place would be all the poorer without you. I have found your words invaluable in the past.

@Pink*Lady - I have felt the pain of being ostracised at work, just try to remember that the opinions of those who aren't close to you don't really matter and rise above it (if only things were as easy to do as they are to write!); if people are being bitchy directly to you, try to smile and pass it off as banter, don't let them see that it's getting to you. I hope that weight you're under becomes less oppressive and that you're able to become once again the witty and sassy lady whose company we all enjoy here.

@Gomen - I know you're not happy with your situation and I do hope that changes for you; I'm not sure if you're still gambling online (and I realise that must be an escape for you), but if you are then try to reduce that so you can reach your financial goals more quickly and build the life you want. I know you hate your job, but having your hours cut won't help with your long-term goals; however you do it, I hope you find a way through.

@jd - living at home as an adult is never easy (although there are an increasing number of people doing it) and I have the greatest respect for anyone who can; once I left home, even short visits staying with my parents were fraught with tension! I know that you say that if you left, your anxiety would bring you back, but if things are so bad at the moment, isn't it worth a try (even looking at places might make you feel better - planning to change things, even if you don't go through with it)? There's plenty of support out there. In the meantime, is there something you can do which would break you out of your routine?

@Ichigo - those few words encapsulate how I have felt so many times in my life; in my case, something always happens (eventually) which reaffirms my faith in the wonders of the world. I hope that happens for you very soon too. If you have a passion, engage it, absorb yourself in it, take pleasure wherever you can find it (and if that sounds selfish, we're all entitled to be selfish from time to time) and find your reason to live.

There are so many people on this forum who mean so much to me, who are part of my life (even though most of those I've met no longer post here) and about whom I care genuinely and deeply, I do feel (a very small part of) your pain when you're down - I wish I could help with more than words on a screen, but that's all we have. I just want you all to know that when you're feeling like nobody cares, you are wrong - there are so many here (of which I am but one) who see the qualities you can't see in yourself, who care deeply for you and whose lives you enrich.

You're all special people and I send my love to each and every one of you.

Consolida · #**453** 28th February 2018, 13:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by gregarious_introvert

There are so many people on this forum who mean so much to me, who are part of my life (even though most of those I've met no longer post here) and about whom I care genuinely and deeply, I do feel (a very small part of) your pain when you're down - I wish I could help with more than words on a screen, but that's all we have. I just want you all to know that when you're feeling like nobody cares, you are wrong - there are so many here (of which I am but one) who see the qualities you can't see in yourself, who care deeply for you and whose lives you enrich.

You're all special people and I send my love to each and every one of you.

What beautiful words gregarious_introvert. Thank you so much for sharing them here

jd90 · #**454** 1st March 2018, 12:39

^^^ That was really nice of you, lovely post

Can't really leave atm as i'm the one paying for things etc
Jinny - Yeah I've calmed down since then, not self harmed in a while really, just felt like I had so much energy in my chest/biceps/hamstrings and couldn't get rid of it, ended up hitting myself there for a while. Oddly worked but yeah i'm back to 'normal' thanks

Bruised af though lol

Pink*Lady · #**455** 1st March 2018, 16:14

Thank you to everyone for all your lovely and supportive replies.
I haven't self harmed but I'm sitting at home feeling very emotional and a failure. So many missed opportunities and I've let down so many people.

Sphinx · #**456** 12th March 2018, 15:43

I feel so tired and drained from all of the anxiety. I don't feel like I have the strength to recover. I don't want to die but I don't want to be alive either.

gregarious_introvert · #**457** 12th March 2018, 16:27

Hi Sphinx, I've felt like that so many times (fortunately not lately) and understand what you mean by not wanting to be alive; I used to spend a lot of time wishing I just wouldn't wake up.

Is there anything you can do to recharge your batteries, to remove yourself from the anxiety for a while so you're ready to face the world again? Life can be a constant struggle sometimes and if you can take yourself away from that struggle, even for a day or two, it may help. You have a lot of friends here, people who care and wish they could do more to help, if we could find some way to give you that strength, we'd do it in a heartbeat!

Consolida · #**458** 12th March 2018, 17:30

^ ^ So sorry you are finding things tough, Sphinx

I just want to echo everything GI has said here really.
I’ve also suffered those feelings of not wanting to die but not wanting to be alive either and even though it didn’t feel like things would ever improve at the time I guess they must have done eventually as I don’t feel that way now. I still have loads of up’s and downs and find life such a struggle but you kind of think ‘Oh here we are again...better just ride these feelings out like before...’
Distraction tends to help me and doing something a little out of the ordinary to break the general monotony of life. Just a trip to the cinema, visiting somewhere new, maybe a meet up with an SA friend? Anything that encourages you to keep plodding on for another day

Not sure my advice is nearly as helpful as GI’s but just wanted to add my support

Take care of yourself Sphinx

Sphinx · #**459** 12th March 2018, 18:12

Thanks guys I really appreciate it, it's nice to know people care even though we don't know eachother.

GI I will try and be kind to myself, I might invite a friend round at some point this week as it cheers me up to see her. I might even try to get to a park if it's not peeing it down all week, I haven't been anywhere green for ages I miss it.

Muggins yeah that's a very good point, it's easy to get caught up in these kind of feelings but they do eventually pass. Aw your advice is helpful too

I'm sorry you and GI have felt like this as well, at least we aren't alone. As you say got to keep plodding on.

Quicksand · #**460** 15th March 2018, 09:05

Since my landlord now wants to evict me just by my simply explaining to them direct my grievance and now not broadcasting it on social media...it's worth a thought. The guy promised he would keep in touch and meet me/get to know me. He hasn't kept his promise done his job since our first meeting in December...they've left me to flounder w nasty neighbour for three months and doesn't look like they r doing anything effective instead scapegoating me...again. they're mad if they think I have any confidence left today to do my volunteering.

gregarious_introvert · #**461** 15th March 2018, 10:07

^Quicksand, I was evicted 18 months ago and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise; once I got the written notice (your landlord has to give you two months' notice in writing), I became eligible for re-housing by the local authority and I'm now in much more secure accommodation and not at the whim of a private landlord.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a problem with your neighbour and landlord, I know how that feels; always remember that you have rights as a tenant and if necessary, contact the Citizens Advice Bureau, Shelter or your local authority housing department for advice.

Marco · #**462** 15th March 2018, 10:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by gregarious_introvert

This thread is so busy lately - I'm feeling guilty that I've been so absorbed with my own stuff lately that I haven't been around to try to offer some support! I'm sure it can't be a coincidence that we're approaching the end of a long winter, with the coldest days coming just as everyone is thinking about Spring. It's just three weeks to the Vernal Equinox, I hope all seems better as we are surrounded by longer days and rebirth.

@Skitz - depression is a sneak thief, taking all the pleasure out of life and leaving us feeling empty and pointless; I hope you can manage to engage in a positive way with one of your passions. It's good that you've been spending time with friends, but has that time been doing something you love? I hope some light appears at the end of the tunnel soon and that you're able to see the beauty in life again.

@Dimples - your qualities shine through in your posts, you bring light and happiness into our lives; often, it's difficult for us to appreciate ourselves the way others do, but this place would be all the poorer without you. I have found your words invaluable in the past.

@Pink*Lady - I have felt the pain of being ostracised at work, just try to remember that the opinions of those who aren't close to you don't really matter and rise above it (if only things were as easy to do as they are to write!); if people are being bitchy directly to you, try to smile and pass it off as banter, don't let them see that it's getting to you. I hope that weight you're under becomes less oppressive and that you're able to become once again the witty and sassy lady whose company we all enjoy here.

@Gomen - I know you're not happy with your situation and I do hope that changes for you; I'm not sure if you're still gambling online (and I realise that must be an escape for you), but if you are then try to reduce that so you can reach your financial goals more quickly and build the life you want. I know you hate your job, but having your hours cut won't help with your long-term goals; however you do it, I hope you find a way through.

@jd - living at home as an adult is never easy (although there are an increasing number of people doing it) and I have the greatest respect for anyone who can; once I left home, even short visits staying with my parents were fraught with tension! I know that you say that if you left, your anxiety would bring you back, but if things are so bad at the moment, isn't it worth a try (even looking at places might make you feel better - planning to change things, even if you don't go through with it)? There's plenty of support out there. In the meantime, is there something you can do which would break you out of your routine?

@Ichigo - those few words encapsulate how I have felt so many times in my life; in my case, something always happens (eventually) which reaffirms my faith in the wonders of the world. I hope that happens for you very soon too. If you have a passion, engage it, absorb yourself in it, take pleasure wherever you can find it (and if that sounds selfish, we're all entitled to be selfish from time to time) and find your reason to live.

There are so many people on this forum who mean so much to me, who are part of my life (even though most of those I've met no longer post here) and about whom I care genuinely and deeply, I do feel (a very small part of) your pain when you're down - I wish I could help with more than words on a screen, but that's all we have. I just want you all to know that when you're feeling like nobody cares, you are wrong - there are so many here (of which I am but one) who see the qualities you can't see in yourself, who care deeply for you and whose lives you enrich.

You're all special people and I send my love to each and every one of you.

What a great post, GI! Your many words of wisdom and encouragement are a real blessing to all of us who use this forum.

gregarious_introvert · #**463** 15th March 2018, 11:01

^Thanks, Marco, I admit to encouragement but I think wisdom may be pushing it a bit; I write what I feel and just hope that some of it actually helps someone. There was a time when this forum saved my life and now I hope I can go some way to repaying the "debt" I have to everyone here.

gregarious_introvert · #**464** 15th March 2018, 20:29

I know this won't make you feel any better, Skitz, but my 30th birthday was a small matter of half a lifetime ago now - and I "celebrated" it having just lost my job, alone in a bedsit and with 2 cracked ribs from a car accident. My life didn't add up to much by the time I was 30, but things are very different now; you may not realise it yet, but 30 is still very young and you have a long time ahead of you for things to improve.

I can understand your not wishing to celebrate and not wanting attention, but you are fortunate in having friends around who want your company; when you begin to see a future, you'll be glad they are there. You've been this way for some time now, Skitz, I can't help wondering if it's worth visiting your doctor or mental health team to review your medication? You deserve better and I'm sure everyone here would love to see you living the life you want.

gregarious_introvert · #**465** 18th March 2018, 01:02

Darth, it's not leaving which requires bravery, you're already doing the courageous thing by being here and making other people happy (and being happy again yourself, one day); you don't think it gets noticed, but you make a number of posts on this site which are gently and quietly supportive of others. Your presence in the world is essential and one day, I hope you'll see what you have to offer.

Consolida · #**466** 18th March 2018, 02:35

^ My thoughts exactly!

Take care Darth

Blackflies · #**467** 20th March 2018, 20:44

I'm not intending on acting it out but I feel the suicidal desires seeping into my bones again- that dull ache to act instead of spending my days pretending the sadness has dissolved. I feel worthless. I really need a friend- a real one that actually wants nothing from me except my miserable company but it seems every chance I seem to have attracted a wiling volunteer, the self sabotaging begins. The older I get the more I seem to be turning into such a vile human being. I know what it is to be broken so why am I hell bent on inflicting that same feeling on to others. It seems i'm hell bent on finding a reason, any reason for me to not trust their intentions. I don't know how to stop being needlessly selfish. I just want to be held in silence. I just want to forget the world, forget who I am for an hour every day until maybe I believe i'm not as repulsive as I believe my soul to be.

gregarious_introvert · #**468** 20th March 2018, 23:29

^Blackflies, there is nothing repulsive about your soul and you are not worthless; the contribution you make to this forum shows that you are compassionate, empathetic, intelligent and humorous (among other attributes). You're one of a small (but growing) number of people on this forum whose posts I look forward to reading, your advice comes from a place of experience and always offers a perspective different to what has come before.

I know what it's like to self-sabotage and to need a friend when none is around, so I hope you're able to find that elusive real friend (if you do, find out if they have a friend or relative to send my way!); what you're asking is not unreasonable - and by the way, being selfish is not needless, there are times we need to put ourselves first for the sake of our own sanity.

Appear · #**469** 28th March 2018, 00:53

I keep thinking about this at the moment. I'd never act on it, but I can't help but feel it's what 'should' be done given my circumstances. When stuff can only get worse, surely it's only logical?

My mum knows someone whose husband 'did' recently. It's horrible, both for him and his family, but a small, screwed-up part of me feels he's 'lucky' in a sense. He got an out. It's messed up.

Appear · #**470** 29th March 2018, 17:06

^ Thanks, Jinny.

^^ Pretty much in agreement with you there, Hermann. Sorry to hear you've struggled with this sort of thing from such a young age. I was lucky in being relatively depression-free until around 20ish, I think.

newbs16 · #**471** 1st April 2018, 04:11

^^
I hope you're feeling a bit better and less suicidal.

Circlesquare · #**472** 1st April 2018, 08:05

Everything I do or say she has to put me down or critise. I am so fed up of it all what's the ****ing point anymore. Why am I even here

gregarious_introvert · #**473** 1st April 2018, 22:17

I'm sorry to see that some of us are having such a tough time at the moment; I know what it's like when these thoughts won't go away but there will come a time when they're less frequent. I just hope that you all know how much love and support there is here and find the strength to ride out the worst times and look to the future.

@Appear, I've had times in my life when these thoughts have come to me several times a day; things can always get better though, even when our brains are telling us otherwise.

@HermannHesse, 14 was the age when I made my first attempt and I agree with pretty much everything you say (apart from things not being likely to get better, I believe there is always hope); if we can't rid ourselves of suicidal thoughts - and I've been known to have them even when I thought I was happy - then being able to manage them is a boon and I hope you continue to find ways to manage yours.

@Skitz, I am so sorry to see you posting here again - I had hoped that the move and the kittens would be a fresh start for you! You're wrong though, nobody ever gets over a loved one committing suicide, they find ways to move on from it but it's always there; I agree with Rebka - remember what you mean to your friends and how much you're worth.

@Ichigo, it can make us feel worthless or unwanted when we feel that we're being criticised constantly, but the only appraisal of your true worth which really matters is your own; as for the point and the reason you're here, you need to find your own, according to your values. Sometimes we need to make changes to our lives, sometimes we need to change not our lives but our outlook, but there is always a reason to live.

I would love to see this thread go unused for a while; I know I'm not around as much as I'd like to be, but my PM inbox is always available to anyone who wants to discuss anything in confidence (I can't promise I can do anything practical to help, but I will always listen).

AireleeBray · #**474** 2nd April 2018, 09:09

im never going to be enough, me being here, my mind, my dreams, is worthless

gregarious_introvert · #**475** 2nd April 2018, 10:57

^I am simply not accepting that, AireleeBray; everyone on this forum knows what a loving and devoted mother you are, which makes you a far more productive member of society than I, you are more than enough. As for your mind, as Rebka says in her response to Skitz above, it does make us believe things which aren't true but your dreams are never worthless; of course, most of us have dreams which are pure fantasy (I am never likely to score the winning goal for Charlton Athletic in a Champions League Final, for instance) but also more realistic, achievable dreams we can work towards - and it doesn't always matter if we never get there, it's the progress we make towards them which matters. My achievable-in-theory-but-unlikely-in-practice dream is to visit every country in the world; currently, I have around 150 to reach, which makes it unlikely that I will ever see them all, but each one I do visit is closer to my goal.

Whatever dreams you have, please don't consider them worthless but look at ways you can bring them closer; none of us would be here if we didn't have barriers between ourselves and the life we want to live, but you will be amazed what you can achieve - and you are half my age, so you have time on your side too (I didn't start living until less than three years ago). Nothing about you is worthless, don't lose hope.

AireleeBray · #**476** 2nd April 2018, 12:13

Thankyou GI i really appreciate your response. im just having one of those days. i recently downgraded my dreams i'm most likely never going to have the money to walk new zealands mountains or utahs national parks. so i changed it to 'visit the fairy pools on the isle of skye' & stand on the giants causeway. northen lights is at the top but i doubt i'll get there.

i love your dream & your approach to it. your a good person GI

gregarious_introvert · #**477** 2nd April 2018, 12:38

^I never thought I'd have the money to get to Peru, but I booked it last month; travel is getting cheaper and whilst New Zealand isn't cheap, Utah doesn't have to cost a fortune and the Northern Lights are visible from Scotland on occasion! The Isle of Skye and Giants Causeway aren't bad dreams to have, however. Keep dreaming

kirbycrackle · #**478** 2nd April 2018, 22:59

^ you're not an embarrassment or stupid rebka. Have a miggle hug

I'll stick it on your slate

Sebby Debby Ding Dong · #**479** 2nd April 2018, 22:59

^^ I knows I haven't met you in rl, but from what I've gathered from our convos online, you are the most creative and awesome-est person I've ever known, definitely not stupid at all and if people find you embarrassing then they are just plain wrong! Wrong I tells ya, wrong!!

gregarious_introvert · #**480** 3rd April 2018, 03:00

^^^^Rebka, you are neither stupid nor an embarrassment; you are an original thinker, a person of great imagination who brings so much joy and a sense of fun to this forum. You are different - in a good way; it's people like you who bring fantasy to the world and if there are people around you who don't find your quirks endearing, then they're the ones with a problem!

Embrace your joie de vivre, chase that foreventure (not sure if I got that right) and lead the life you talk about so passionately here; you will bring pleasure to most people you meet, if they have any sense of fun at all.