Has anyone found a partner in this state??

[Rocket Spud]

I would really like to find a partner in this chaos who shares similiar views & tastes, etc.

It'll be much much easier i think to have someone to be negative with. 'Normal' people just aren't in our zone. How can they bump into people they haven't seen for yonks and be cool??

Has anyone been in the midst of SA and found their partner?? (Please please reply)

I'm just going through the motions. The past 2/3 years have been the same. No holidays, no new friends, work work work, no appreciation (is that a famliar feeling with you??)

[Superfly]

I found someone at 35, but the relationship lasted just a few months.

"No holidays, no new friends, work work work, no appreciation" ... all too familiar to me. You need to change this pattern NOW! All work no play did cause severe trouble for me after 10 years: depression, worsening SA, work burnout, leaving me jobless and still feeling highly stressed after 3 years of 'recovery time'.

[pinkwafer]

I could only ever find a partner in this 'state'. This state constitutes who I am as much as any other aspect about me.


And yes I have. You have to look for them, they don't just appear.

[Only_human]

I think maintaining the relationship when you have sa is more difficult then actually finding someone to begin with. It is for me anyway. As for finding someone like you, although sometimes they'll find you, you mostly have to look for them. I can see some of the positives of being with someone with sa, but in that case you'd probably have to do the seeking out as it were in order to start the relationship with them.

[Chris P]

I haven't found a partner full stop, nevermind in my current state. I couldn't give a shit anymore either, I just accept it. I'll die alone and there's **** all I can do about it.

I'm too depressed to be breathing nowadays. The most disappointing thing for me is the fact I keep waking up in the morning *sigh*

Sorry about the rant.

[яemus]

I found someone during one of my 'improved' periods

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by Rocket Spud

I would really like to find a partner in this chaos who shares similiar views & tastes, etc.

It'll be much much easier i think to have someone to be negative with. 'Normal' people just aren't in our zone. How can they bump into people they haven't seen for yonks and be cool??

Has anyone been in the midst of SA and found their partner?? (Please please reply)

I'm just going through the motions. The past 2/3 years have been the same. No holidays, no new friends, work work work, no appreciation (is that a famliar feeling with you??)

I've been SA all of my life, and for much of it, to an extremely debilitating degree, but yes, I have not just had one partner, I've had six longterm partners and a few short term ones too. It can be done, although I won't pretend that it's easy.

One thing I've never ever wanted, though, is ''someone to be negative with''. I want to get out of SA, not collude with a partner in negativity and become further trapped in SA. I've never had a relationship with another SA sufferer, but I find that there are supposed 'normals' out there who are understanding people who are prepared to look past anxiety and see the person underneath.

SA is only one aspect of who I am, and I don't let that one aspect define me. So I try to have people in my life who do understand me and my SA, but who look past that and like the rest of me too.

I know some people do like the idea of finding a partner with similar issues, but it's not for me personally. As I said, I'm looking to step outside SA, not become further immersed in it. Mutual understanding is good, but a mutual colluding in negativity and avoidance is not really healthy in the longer term.

[SoulSeeker]

Im trying..it's difficult but I am trying..even though it is just through online at the minute. Online could be all it takes to get me moving with regards to relationships.

It's mad..because im shown quite a bit of interest and I can attempt to get the ball rolling at any time I want. It's my own paranoia about myself that holds me back.

I like what Benfica said. Although it would be much much harder for me to be in a relationship with a 'normal' it shouldn't be something that is ruled out. Not all 'normal' people are highly outgoing or live highly active lives with lots of people around. Even so..if they do, this for me is about pushing myself and trying to convince myself that I have no limits.

[kastra]

I had no interest in finding someone when I was at my worst. I wanted to be alone all the time and wasn't planning on being around very long anyway. I don't see how it is possible to have a healthy relationship when you aren't fully functioning mentally; the odds of ending up in a co-dependant or abusive situation are massive in my opinion.
I like to quote Ru Paul on this - 'If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?'

[The_Fr33_Man]

Yes, it truly did feel like i'd found someone where all my worries were meaningless since we both knew nothing really mattered, that was a long time ago and we were both in worse states than we are now, she's moved away now..

However its my advice to try and reach a level where you are comfortable with intimate relations, i was once in a relationship where i was too nervous to tell her i had SA, resulting in my behaviour being put down to paranoia; not fun times

[ShyGal]

I'm with someone now who i met on this forum, we became good friends then i guess we both started developing new feelings, and i'm so glad i made the first move, that saying is true...."If you don't try, you'll never know!"
I feel what i have with him is different to anything i have felt before, i feel really close to him even though we have only just got together, i've never really had that before.

[IanIan]

No. Been this way for years and never met anyone really. I had a couple of girlfriends before I became fully SA, can't even remember what that felt like to be honest, seems like another lifetime ago. I can't even see how it could happen for me at the moment, the number of people willing to put up with someone like me and my issues must be slim and the chances of finding them when I sometimes struggle just to walk down the street are probably a million to one.

People have asked about me but I've always messed it up or the Social Anxiety got in the way (turning down dates out of fear, not expressing my feelings for someone who's already told me theirs).

My initial period of CBT helped a little bit but I'm just starting a more intensive program and hopefully that'll bring some results.

But it obviously can and does happen, the responses elsewhere in this thread prove that, so it's not all doom and gloom.

I wish there was more of a public knowledge of SA, as explaining to people (if you ever do) can be difficult. If more people were aware of what constitutes Social Anxiety then maybe some of the stigma would disappear and people would feel more comfortable explaining to someone else they have these problems. I get fed up of having to explain to others what's going on with me and why I find it difficult to do the things everyone else takes for granted. It's a massive barrier when it comes to relationships.

Obviously, in an ideal world everyone here would cure themselves to some degree of SA before they embarked on a relationship but a more understanding attitude in the wider world could help those who are trying to meet people with SA symptoms. Although, you'd probably still get a sizeable portion of the population who don't want to date someone with issues like this.

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by ShyGal

I'm with someone now who i met on this forum,

so many people copping off together.


SAUK should start charging a subscription like match.com or something

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by Rocket Spud

I would really like to find a partner in this chaos who shares similiar views & tastes, etc.

It'll be much much easier i think to have someone to be negative with. 'Normal' people just aren't in our zone. How can they bump into people they haven't seen for yonks and be cool??

Has anyone been in the midst of SA and found their partner?? (Please please reply)

I'm just going through the motions. The past 2/3 years have been the same. No holidays, no new friends, work work work, no appreciation (is that a famliar feeling with you??)

Do you actually mean have someone to be negative with or someone with whom you can discuss your issues? Like Benefica says I personally don't want to be with someone just so we can wallow in negativity. I don't see that as helpful at all but it's nice if you can find someone on a similar wavelength who you can open up to about your issues.

Originally Posted by Benfica

I've been SA all of my life, and for much of it, to an extremely debilitating degree, but yes, I have not just had one partner, I've had six longterm partners and a few short term ones too. It can be done, although I won't pretend that it's easy.

One thing I've never ever wanted, though, is ''someone to be negative with''. I want to get out of SA, not collude with a partner in negativity and become further trapped in SA. I've never had a relationship with another SA sufferer, but I find that there are supposed 'normals' out there who are understanding people who are prepared to look past anxiety and see the person underneath.

SA is only one aspect of who I am, and I don't let that one aspect define me. So I try to have people in my life who do understand me and my SA, but who look past that and like the rest of me too.

I know some people do like the idea of finding a partner with similar issues, but it's not for me personally. As I said, I'm looking to step outside SA, not become further immersed in it. Mutual understanding is good, but a mutual colluding in negativity and avoidance is not really healthy in the longer term.

I can relate to a lot of this. I've had partners through my SA period. For me they have been nice 'distractions' because having a partner allowed me to escape from having to deal with my issues. My issues faded into the background and affected my day to day functioning far less but when/if you lose your partner you find you still have those same issues lying dormant, ready to bubble up to the surface, on top of having to deal with the break down of a relationship. My most vunerable and difficult periods were all following break ups whilst still having bad SA.

For me I knew I could never fully deal with my SA while I was in a relationship. It's just too hard to focus on something as difficult as tackling SA when you have a far more appealing way to spend your time on. Being in a relationship for me is like being in the ultimate comfort zone. I could quite happily co-exist with SA if I was in a relationship but I wanted to get better once and for all. So I had to give up on relationships to deal with my SA first.

Nearly all my partners have been non-SA'ers. SA doesn't define me, I just want to be with people who are on my wavelength. I had a LTR with an SA'er before but not because they had SA (you wouldn't have known they were SA anyway) and the same is true of my current partner.

It's definitely possible to find a partner in this state as many on this board will attest to but you need to ask yourself why you want a partner. If you think it will cure you of SA then I think you need to reexamine your motivations. It can certainly significantly reduce your symptoms though which may in itself be helpful but it's not a cure in of itself, imho.

[Dandelion10]

I have found a normal person (we were very stronly attracted to one another) so we've stayed together but only really talk on the phone. He says unless I get better he can't really be with me although we both want very much to be together for the rest of our lives.

It very frustrating as you can imagine and I can't tell my family or co-workers about him without it sounding like a pack of lies but he just can't cope w/ me as I am currently even though I believe love is all we need.

I've decided to move to Manchester once my lease is finished in June to embark on a course of self-directed therapy away from him which looks like this:

Monday: Swimming, afternoon: self-esteem group
Tuesday: Cycling round park, afternoon: Mind (OCD group)
Wednesday: Gym (treadmill/sauna), afternoon: personal hobby e.g: painting
Thursday: Yoga, afternoon: social challenge of my choice e.g: going out w/ a friend
Friday: Mind women's day activities, afternoon: CBT session w/ therapist

The weekend will be one day of fun like it was before I developed SA maybe horse riding and Sunday I'll just take for church and rest.

I know it's going to be hard to establish that routine but we can't be together unless I get better and that's the best recovery programme I can think of.

I'm also considering taking counselling to work through my occassional bitterness (being single and not being able to be w/ your partner causes resentment and hurt) along w/ medication.

My main symptom is OCD which keeps the SA going so all the activities listed are an attempt to burn off the tension inside me which I release through compulsions. I just know they'll be a huge breakthrough and then I can come home and be w/ him.

[cl111]

So we should be honest in relationships about who we are?? Yeah that won't send them running for the hills! I did meet a guy once was with him for over a year... He said I was like him...? But I didn't see it??? Now I think I do :-(

[cl111]

so again.... i like your positive outlook.... as i dont want this to become all i am.... as there is so much more to me....(altough some days you do feel like its swallowing u up!) so do u be honest with a potential partner at the start? some times i get the impression men just want a pretty face and as little hassle as possible...

[cl111]

wow thats impressive! see if you can volenteer a few days a week.... try take your mind off yourself? x sorry this post was to the lady who made a regiem for herself.... still not got the hang of this posting stuff lol!

[IRIS]

Originally Posted by becky1789

I could only ever find a partner in this 'state'. This state constitutes who I am as much as any other aspect about me.

True for me too.
And a partner who doesn't understand / want to understand or can't deal with my SA is not for me , because this state essentially IS me

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by cl111

some times i get the impression men just want a pretty face and as little hassle as possible...

Sounds good to me!

But seriously who (men and women) actually seeks/wants drama/hassle? If I really care about someone of course I'll be willing to sacrifice a bit, try and help them/support them as best I can but if you knew from the off it was going to be a lot of effort then it would admittedly put me off.

[mrwindupbird]

i eventually found my girlfriend on a dating website after 28 years of being single. all other attempts at meeting girls totally failed.
she is a social worker with a degree in psychology, so i think she sort of understands where i'm coming from most of the time. i think i still exasperate her a lot though lol.

[gingercat]

Originally Posted by IRIS

True for me too.
And a partner who doesn't understand / want to understand or can't deal with my SA is not for me , because this state essentially IS me

Yeah that's how I feel. I don't want things to be this way, but they are, and realistically they're always going to stay this way (at least to some extent)... so a partner who understands is really the only option.

[Ben1981]

My one relationship to date was with someone on this site. The best thing about it was not having to explain to them why I was fairly shy and quiet and I think the experience helped both of us for a while. Sadly when she found work and ended up on different shifts to me we drifted apart. I dont regret it though and would happily go down the same route again if I knew there was a chance things would work out.

[HardRockGlamour]

Yes, but online, and he's 'normal'.... I do look at him and think 'how does he do that?' all the time... But my SA or anything else I have doesn't affect us. He has no problems with it, and he got me better. 'Normal' people can understand sometimes, but I see how another person with SA etc would also be good, in other ways.

[Emski]

No, and i dont think i ever will.

[Emski]

Originally Posted by NRG.89

same

*Hands a box of tissues *

[Emski]

Originally Posted by NRG.89

I'll need them, I'm going to watch Titanic.

Wanna watch it with me?

Bring some popcorn (butterkist cinema style please).

I was thinking you may of needed tissues for something else

"I'll never let you go Jack"

Which ones would you like
Butterkist..
Sweet
Toffee
Sea Salted
Or.... Chocolate coated toffee popcorn

[Rocket Spud]

Wow.. the ball really got rolling on this one!!

Ok, just to clear something up... I was very drunk when i posted this message (check the time it was posted) and i'm sure at the time of writing i had thought things through (in as much as you can whilst drunk) but reading this back i really don't know where i was coming from with a few of the things i said.

In a nutshell; Don't take my part of this thread seriously

[Pandapop]

Well i have agoraphobia so i don't get out the house much, and i still manage to find people :S even when im not looking cos as lonely as i get theres no way id want a relationship in this condition.

[stef]

I found a partner whilst I have had SA. He is as equally disfunctional as I am.
Trust me it doesn't work. If you both have similar problems, to the same extent, you just end up pulling each other down.

Somebody needs to be strong.