Jokes please - Page 2

Geminus · #31 25th May 2011, 01:43

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are running for it as when you are in it.

Geminus · #32 25th May 2011, 01:43

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Geminus · #33 25th May 2011, 01:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wheelie Bin Bird

if I win I get.......

What do you win??

Wheelie Bin Bird · #34 25th May 2011, 02:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geminus

What do you win??

Click on the 'show spoiler' tab on my 1st post!

Geminus · #35 25th May 2011, 02:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wheelie Bin Bird

Click on the 'show spoiler' tab on my 1st post!

Ahhhhh.... Sheesh, I'm slow sometimes.

Geminus · #36 25th May 2011, 03:06

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Wheelie Bin Bird · #37 25th May 2011, 11:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by NRG.89

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

^^ Like it!!

Mr. Nobody · #38 25th May 2011, 12:33

4 women are sitting round a table in a bar after their day's work.
3 are still dressed in overalls, but one has on a tiny mini skirt, high heel leather knee-length boots, fishnet tights, lots of make-up, chewing gum etc.
all 3 are discussing their jobs,
first one says :
I'm a sock-tucker,
I work in the local garment factory and I tuck all the pairs of socks into each other and put them into packs.
second one says :
I'm a cork-soaker
I work in the local bottling plant and I put the corks in water, so they can fit in the bottles.
third one says :
I'm a coke-sacker,
I work in a production line at the local coal mine, and I put all the coke into the sacks and tie them off.
they turn to the last woman in the fishnets etc. and she says " I'm the real thing "

Caribou · #39 25th May 2011, 13:25

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar...

Geminus · #40 25th May 2011, 13:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by NRG.89

I heart little jonny jokes lmao

Definitely, Little Jonny ROCKS!! I used to really quite like Angry Kid also lol

Geminus · #41 25th May 2011, 13:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by nrg.89

a teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When little johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''i still don't get it'' responded the little johnny.
''why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''okay then...good night'' said little jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, little johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So little johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''oh!! Now i understand the government! The president is screwing the work force, congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

brilliant!! Lmfao.

Wheelie Bin Bird · #42 25th May 2011, 13:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poltergeist

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar...

LOL

Geminus · #43 25th May 2011, 13:48

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

Geminus · #44 25th May 2011, 13:52

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

Geminus · #45 25th May 2011, 13:53

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

asweeney · #46 25th May 2011, 17:36

Ryan giggs said earlier today that he really loves living in manchester,
But sometimes he does MISS WALES

Neil · #47 25th May 2011, 17:57

Arsenal apologise for the dust cloud affecting UK airspace after opening their trophy cabinet.

Wheelie Bin Bird · #48 25th May 2011, 19:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by asweeney

Ryan giggs said earlier today that he really loves living in manchester,
But sometimes he does MISS WALES

^^

Geminus · #49 25th May 2011, 22:54

Quote:

Originally Posted by NRG.89

lol I found loads of great little jonny jokes earlier.

Unfortunately the premise is that jonny is supposed to be an innocent child who is anything but.. therefore the punchlines and/or subjects are too rude to be posted, lest anyone be horrifically offended by a joke!

Personally I'd love to hear them

Geminus · #50 26th May 2011, 01:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ricci

Got a text sent today, all it said was A,G,N,B

I think its BANG out of order

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ricci

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ricci

Why do elephants have big ears?
Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

Lol they were all terrible but oh well.

indiegirl1980 · #51 26th May 2011, 19:47

Velcro. What a rip off.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday last year. I tell you one thing, never again.

I love Tim Vine.

Also, my all time favourite joke:

Why didn't anyone take the school bus to school?
Because it wouldn't fit through the door!

Salusa87 · #52 28th May 2011, 14:06

What's the worse nightmare for a pirate on a blind date?

a sunken chest***65279; with no booty

Laura Palmer · #53 28th May 2011, 14:59

Some musician based jokes...

What's the last thing a drummer says before he leaves the band?

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

What do you call a successful musician?

What does a stripper do to her asshole before work?

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

indiegirl1980 · #54 30th May 2011, 17:46

Once a woman had twin boys and gave them up for adoption.
The first twin was adopted by a Spanish couple and called Juan.
The second twin was adopted by an Asian couple and called Jamal.
When the first twin grew up, he contacted his mother and sent a picture of himself.
The woman's husband found her crying over the picture.

'What's the matter?'he said
'I've got a picture of one son, but not the other' she said
'They're twins' said her husband 'If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal'.

Caribou · #55 30th May 2011, 19:19

Man: "Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog."

Doctor: "How long has this been going on?"

Man: "Ever since I was a puppy."

Doctor: "Get up on the couch and I'll examine you."

Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"

ponder · #56 31st May 2011, 23:13

My grandma was a great believer in alternative medicine. When she got ill, she greased her back with lard.

After that she went downhill very quickly.

(Milton Jones)

Emski · #57 28th June 2011, 20:19

Japanese girl was making love and accidentally passed wind... she quickly explained, "Oh me so sorry, you make front hole so happy, back hole blow you kiss" LOOOOL!!

xTKsaucex · #58 28th June 2011, 20:49

A traditional German joke.

-Knock knock..

Who's there?

-The Gestapo.

All credit to Jo Brand. Possibly the shortest joke on earth.

Emski · #59 28th June 2011, 21:27

Quote:

Originally Posted by PRS316

I saw Jonathan Ross in a department store last week.

He was acting suspiciously, looking at the kitchen utensils so I walked up to him and said, "You'll probably get caught if you steal anything."

He replied, "Well, that's the whisk I'm willing***65279; to take."

The Lone Stranger · #60 28th June 2011, 22:07

Last week I went to London and had sex with a model. I was then thrown out of Madame Tussauds.