A bit of clarity

[Cheshire Cat]

I just want to write some perceptions and feelings down. These are not SA related, much more to do with my relationship to my mum. I find family issues are not discussed too much on this site, and I often wonder why. I cannot be the only one with some difficulties in this area (separation, healthy self-identity, development of empathy, problems with narcissistic parents etc), so it would be interesting to have others opening up a bit about this. But this post is really just for me, as I want to write some stuff down.

I have recently been surprised (from friend's Facebook updates or in conversation), to hear of people who's mothers actually enjoyed cooking for their children and bringing them cups of tea etc, and didn't complain or guilt-trip them when lending them money (by children I don't only mean as little kids, but one's offspring in general). My experience was that my mum pretty much loathed every minute of it and resented me and my elder brother quite a lot. She resented my dad mostly, but since he wasn't around, I reckon us boys became a good doormat for her feelings. I was to blame for everything - the cost of my monthly buspass to get me to school, the price of food, my struggles at school, all her worries and stresses.

The flip side of this was, as I got older, I drifted into the role of her counsellor as I was the only one of us in therapy (understandably because I developed so many problems - anxiety, depression, extreme shyness, had few friends, never had a girlfriend etc) and she obviously got something out of having a now grown-up and apparently mature adult to finally listen to her childhood woes. I, of course, got something out of it too, perhaps the illusion that I really was emotionally mature and insightful.

I didn't realise that by adopting this role all I had done was approached the need to feel valued and important from another angle, and also it was a nice way to try to keep the criticisms at bay. But in the eyes of such a parent that was incapable of feeling this toward me, it was still in vain. I imagined I was being a grown-up confidante, but it was just a game to try to get some love and approval, which tragically is never the result and leaves me feeling used and angry because it always ends up being about her.

I am not dealing with my own life and issues, and this 'mum's therapist' role of mine I now see provides a convenient excuse to prevent me from doing so. This has been incredibly difficult to even realise, let alone come to terms with, and I can see how, even though it was not my fault my childhood was as it was, keeping these patterns going by playing this role IS my fault and responsibility, and I am using this because it is easier than taking risks and living my own life in the way I would like to. Ok, perhaps whether it is my fault or not is down to a personal interpretation of what is unconscious vs conscious and responsibility etc, but however you choose to look at it, the responsibility of change lies solely on my shoulders, not my mum's. Perhaps the fantasy that it might be different is very hard for me to give up.

My piano lessons - my saving grace and the one thing that lead to my future ability to earn a living - were ok with my mum because my dad, even though he didn't live with us anymore, paid for these. If I hadn't had the piano lessons and the wonderful teacher, I really don't know where I'd be now.

Even today, as I write these words, I have thoughts that this is all in my head because the rest of the family, aunts, uncles and friends, all protect my mother vociferously. She did, after all, go through an extremely tough time with my dad leaving. It must have been heart-breaking and horrible and she was left to bring up these boys alone, and it was my dad who had wanted the family to begin with, and then pissed off! So I cannot blame my mother for anything. But then I have had to swallow and take a lot of blame for things I wasn't responsible for, so I have to somehow manage to navigate my way out of this tricky emotional minefield, with as little resentment and regret as possible, and as much acceptance as I can, so I can come out the better off for it the other side. My mother did the best she could with the skills she's got, and expressing and digging into this anger in therapy only ever seemed to make me feel worse and worse about myself, so there has to be a more peaceful, self-accepting path.