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Avoiding conflict
I have a friend who has had a drinking problem as long as I've known him. When he's sober, he's the only person I feel like I have a close connection with, but if he gets drunk he becomes moody, aggressive and emotional, which makes me feel anxious. We recently arranged to meet up but I had to cancel at the last minute. This is rare for me, yet he has cancelled arrangements frequently in the past. However, he accused me of making excuses and in a later more hostile message accused me of never wanting to go out, initiating contact, or generally making an effort. I didn't respond to the message, which probably seems cowardly but it created a lot of anxiety and I didn't know how to respond. I tend to avoid conflict in social situations. Admittedly, I probably have seemed distant the last few months, but I have a demanding full-time job and a relationship, which he is aware of. I was particularly upset as we fell out a few days before I was due to go on holiday for my birthday. Consequently, the situation was playing on my mind during the holiday.
I was hoping he would at least leave me a message wishing me a happy birthday while I was away, but nothing. This is the first time this has happened in a decade, which only increased my anxiety. A few weeks later, instead of apologising he left me another sarcastic message asking if I wanted to go on a night out. I know I won't enjoy it as he will no doubt get drunk as there is alcohol at the venue and I'll end up having to drive us as he doesn't have a car. In other nights out, he has wanted to stay out until the early hours of the morning when I've wanted to leave sooner, which leads to arguments I'd rather avoid. I still haven't replied to the message after a few days as I'm not sure how to respond and the thought of creating conflict is making me anxious. Accepting the offer knowing I won't have a good time doesn't seem right either, but neither does ignoring the message even though he has failed to reply to my messages in the past. What is the best way to approach this? |