The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[newbs16]

Rebka

You have really brightened the forum up since you have joined, I rally enjoy reading about your life, the places you visit and I think you're a lovely lady. If we were all the same life would be incredibly boring.

Take care of yourself and don't change for anyone.

[gregarious_introvert]

^^I wish I could tell you what the point is, Skitz, but you have to figure that one out for yourself; you know that your friends care a great deal for you and there are people here too who care about you. I could be wrong, but didn't you get some new kittens a couple of weeks ago or so?

We all know how depression sucks all the joy and meaning out of life, but we also know that it will end at some point, although it can be impossible to see any end when we're in the grip of it. Stay strong (and I know I've said this to you before, but get your medication reviewed because it doesn't seem to be working) and know that there will come a time when life has meaning.

[Tembo]

I really wish my holiday could have cleared my head, and made me feel better about life. Fat chance .

Something needs to change with my life, and quickly. I've been depressed for all my life, and I don't know of any time when I was fairly content and optimistic about life.

Am I doomed to be depressed for all my life? When will the depression end? In the past I had hope that things would get better in the future. After years of trying to improve my life, I haven't really got anywhere, and now all my hope is gone.

[gregarious_introvert]

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling at the moment, Aleks; it's always difficult coming home from travelling, it's like trying to get back to reality while everything still feels unreal!

I know that you were stressing about your teacher training course and whether you should continue with that, or return to your part-time position as a teaching assistant; have you resolved that? If not, it won't be helping your mood at the moment.

You say that you haven't got anywhere with trying to improve your life, but you did say that you enjoyed the job you were doing - and you've started travelling, been going to meetups, exercising, pursuing your hobbies; it seems that you have achieved a great deal, even if you can't appreciate all you've done when seen through the fog of depression. It may seem that all hope is gone but that is just the depression telling you that and there will come a time when you see things differently; in fact, it isn't that long since you were making such positive posts here and I (and everyone else here) look forward to seeing those positive posts again and hearing about your remarkable progress.

[Tembo]

Originally Posted by gregarious_introvert

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling at the moment, Aleks; it's always difficult coming home from travelling, it's like trying to get back to reality while everything still feels unreal!

I know that you were stressing about your teacher training course and whether you should continue with that, or return to your part-time position as a teaching assistant; have you resolved that? If not, it won't be helping your mood at the moment.

You say that you haven't got anywhere with trying to improve your life, but you did say that you enjoyed the job you were doing - and you've started travelling, been going to meetups, exercising, pursuing your hobbies; it seems that you have achieved a great deal, even if you can't appreciate all you've done when seen through the fog of depression. It may seem that all hope is gone but that is just the depression telling you that and there will come a time when you see things differently; in fact, it isn't that long since you were making such positive posts here and I (and everyone else here) look forward to seeing those positive posts again and hearing about your remarkable progress.

Thank you for your kind reply, as always.

No I certainly haven't resolved my situation with the teacher training - i'm very much 'head in the sand' at the moment with that unfortunately. I agree, the worry about that probably isn't helping.

I am enjoying the job I'm in (although the last couple of months have been quite difficult), but i'm not sure how long they will employ me for, as they are expecting me to train to be a teacher and eventually work in another school.
I am still going to meetups, exercising and pursuing hobbies - but not as much as before. I seem to have mostly hibernated over the winter, and the stress of the teaching training situation hasn't helped.

I agree with you - the fog of depression is making me forget of the things I have achieved. Its great that i'm still going to meetups, and travelling in Europe on my own. That is a great achievement, especially as many confident people would not travel on their own. While I do think it is good, I also think i'm just constantly escaping from reality by keep booking holidays, and thinking about anything else rather than work/career.

Another issue is that i'm not getting along with other people very well at the moment, including friends and family. I just feel like i'm on a different planet to everyone. I struggle to express myself and have conversations. I'm just not 'clicking' with people or forming friendships. I'm finding a lot of people to be judgemental and intolerant. It seems difficult to meet kind decent people. I do sometimes wonder if i'm on 'the spectrum' or not. I do have a few of the characteristics, but i'm probably only mildly on the spectrum if at all. Perhaps it is the depression making me feel this way, but I've always felt like this.

Originally Posted by Change87

Hi Aleks, where did you go on holiday? What were a couple of your most enjoyable events on your holiday?

Hi! I went to Cologne in Germany. Great city! A bit dirty when compared to Berlin or Munich, but still lots of great things to do, and its really close to other cities like Dusseldorf or Bonn. Probably the best things were the chocolate factory, and the zoo in Cologne. This is very geeky, but I also went to the Wuppertal "Schwebebahn" (Suspension Railway), which is like a monorail but with the tracks above the train! I really enjoyed that.

[blancmange]

I don't want to exist anymore and yet I can't finish the job. It's such a ****ing joke when your suicidal but scared of death.

[newbs16]

^ I hope you start to feel better soon.

[Chess&Junkfood]

^^
I also hope you start to feel better soon. You certainly come across as a thoughtful and caring person and this forum is lucky to have you as a member.

[gregarious_introvert]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way again, Dimples; you know how much everyone here loves and respects you and values the support you offer so freely. You know that this is depression making you feel this way and that depression passes, although rarely quickly enough. I hope that it passes for you sooner rather than later and that you can enjoy your life and see yourself for the beautiful person we all know and care so much about.

[Consolida]

@ Dimples - I can only echo what everyone else has said here. You are a much valued member of this forum and it’s obvious from your posts that you have so much to offer. The world needs more Dimples not less!

Depression makes the world look so utterly bleak and it can be impossible to imagine things ever getting better, but in time this will pass you’ll see x

[jd90]

^^^^^ Like everyone else has said really. You're very sweet and always posting considerate, empathetic words of encouragement for others and I hope you see these messages and no doubt private ones too and realise you're very much liked and missed!

[blancmange]

I just want to Thank each of you for your kind responses. (I'm still here ((I probably shouldn't joke)) You guys are better than the samaritans, but honestly your words have helped x

[jd90]

haha no I think we can all appreciate that joke! Just get better soon

[newbs16]

^^^ That's good because I am waiting for a carrot cake baked by dimples .

[Pink*Lady]

For the first two days when I have my period I feel down, erratic, have suicidal feelings, extremely sexual and feel like shouting but I don't act on these feelings. I keep them bottled up. I cry when I get home from work.

[Pink*Lady]

Maybe I'm posting this in the wrong place but I have suicidal thoughts for 2 days leading up to my period and sometimes for 2 or 3 days during my period (not sure if I've said this before. Does anyone else feel like this? Maybe I should start a separate thread for perimenopause and menopause.

[T]

I felt like this a few months ago, i was really in a dark place no one to turn too, felt hopeless in life, i try to be positive but this black cloud took over last time i felt like that was nearly 20 years ago.

[Rocket Spud]

What are you supposed to feel before suicide

[Consolida]

^ I hope you are okay Rocket Spud?

[gregarious_introvert]

Originally Posted by Rocket Spud

What are you supposed to feel before suicide

I can't speak for everyone (obviously!) but for me, the most suicidal moments have been about what I didn't feel: I didn't feel that there was any hope or any future, I looked forward and saw nothing but emptiness. Of course, it was depression taking hold, but being incapable of joy, sadness, anger and all the emotions and moods which create life's rich tapestry means that all we are is a shell which exists; so many people think that depression is feeling down, that it can be a reaction to something which has gone badly, but it needs no reason, it strikes when we lower our defences against it, often because we think it won't come calling because we're happy (or something approaching that).

Depression is at its most dangerous when we don't know we have it (which is more often than not), when we find ourselves losing interest in the things we enjoy, in the world around us, in ourselves... We do nothing about it because we're not crying, we're not sad, we're just existing; it's insidious, it invades every corner of our minds and hides waiting for that day when we don't want to exist any more.

However we may feel, there is never an absence of hope; nobody knows what the future holds (and for me personally, as an autistic person, that in itself can be a terrifying thing - although I have now learned to turn that terror to excitement and anticipation) and something life-changing may be just around the corner. Whatever else you lose, please, Rocket Spud and everyone, hold on to hope, keep believing that good can enter your life. I don't like to hold myself up as an example to others, but I'm 56 and enjoying the best phase of my life so far, taking pleasure in every little thing - in nature, in people, in captured moments; I have no idea how long this will last, if the black cloud will ever return, but I am doing what I can to make the most of this while it lasts and keeping on a watchful eye on that life-sucking spectre, hoping to spot the signs before it's too late (again!). I am so glad that none of my attempts were successful and that those many nights when I went to sleep hoping never to wake were, in the end, just idle thoughts. Hold on to hope, hold on to life, it really is a wonderful thing!

[Indigo_]

^ I think this is such a great post GI and I hope it provides some hope to those who read it.

I used to be a regular poster in this thread 2/3 years ago and like you spent many nights where I went to sleep and hoped that I wouldn't wake up. For those that have been around here for some time you will know that my circumstances were perhaps a little different. Regardless, the depression that took hold consumed me and I remember feeling such anger at my family for not accepting my wish to die.

I'm rambling now but my point is that things can and do change. My depression and anxiety have reached a point, a few years on, where I know I need counselling again in order to get the help that I need. I can see a way through this and we need to hold onto that if we can.

[Marco]

^^Another great post, GI!

[Rocket Spud]

Thanks everyone, i'm fine, drank a little too much last night. I can remember posting that msg but don't recall what i was thinking before that time - as far as i know it was a pretty standard evening, i don't remember feeling too down, just a sense of wasting away like i've felt the entire weekend...

Sorry to alarm :/

[jd90]

Well better a false alarm than a real one

[Consolida]

^ I don’t have anything helpful to say, but I hope you continue to hang on in there Kooky Monster as you will get through this in time. To suffer feelings of intense anger and despair after losing a loved one sounds completely normal to me and of course if you throw SA into the mix (and consequently perhaps have only limited emotional support from family/friends) I imagine things will be all the more tougher. My husband spoke to a Counsellor after losing a loved one which did help to some extent - maybe it may help you too Kooky

Like I say, I have nothing very helpful to say but just wanted to respond. I do hope you can get through this horrible time and continue to regularly post here as folk do care x

[blancmange]

I hope you find the bereavement support groups helpful Kooky, I can only imagine how hard it is for you Stay strong x

[Consolida]

@ Kooky Monster - so glad to hear you’ve found a local bereavement group and some possible 1-1 support I wish you all the very best with that

[gregarious_introvert]

@Kooky Monster, I'm pleased that you have been able to find some support to help you through this difficult and sad time, I hope you find the groups helpful and of course you have so much support here too. Grief is, as I'm sure you know, an intensely individual and personal thing, there are no right or wrong ways to grieve and I am sure that you will find your own way forward in time. I am not the only one here who will be thinking of you.

@Muggins, your post started with "I don't have anything helpful to say", but you did! I hope you know how much your posts have helped people on this forum, myself included; it's very rare that you don't have anything helpful to say and your contributions to this forum are invaluable.

[Consolida]

^ Aw you are very kind GI
I think many of us here could do with having a gregarious introvert in our ‘real lives’ telling us how how valued we are when we flounder

[gregarious_introvert]

^My rates are very reasonable, although I have a very full diary at weekends!