Does anyone have adhd? If so, can you give suggestions?

[Amara 94]

My sister says she was diagnosed with adhd whilst in uni. Since she has came back home she never washes plates she uses, never empties the bin. At times I’ve silently been annoyed about this but let it slide because she has adhd or some other reason.

The way the house is set up we hardly talk, my sister uses the living room as a bedroom and Wfm workplace even though she has her own bedroom. It’s been like this for about 10 years so is hard to confront. It was previously a living room until my mum threw away the sofas after being mentally unwell.

Yesterday, like most weekends recently, she was out the whole day. Got back after midnight and this morning I see her tray in the sink an unwashed container, plate and some cutlery. It’s not much but it feels disrespectful to me.

My mum is extra nice to my sister so would wash the plates if she comes home. She is in a mental rehab house and visits home daily. She gives us different treatment.

I’m 30 and haven’t paid rent as I haven't been told to although I pay council tax. I think my mum wants to keep us dependent because she is afraid of being alone but it feels manipulative and limiting. I feel the household is messed up and doesn’t allow us to grow and succeed.

As for my sister I think I’m afraid to stand up to her because of my inadequacies. I’m not successful and don’t have a full time job now, no girlfriend, no social life. But yeah I don’t find this behaviour of hers nice.

One time she was cooking. I just got food for my cat it was in a cupboard next to the stove and she walked away as if I did something offensive.

[Dougella]

^ If you're silent how will she know that you're finding it a problem?

[Amara 94]

I haven't been completely silent. I have sometimes not washed her plates and stuff but I haven't vocally confronted her yet to which I provided my reason in my original post.

[Dougella]

^ I think sometimes directly saying something, not in an angry way, can be necessary otherwise the other person may not know what they're doing is causing a problem. If you haven't literally asked her in a kind way, "hey could you wash up your plates please?" Or "could we take turns putting out the bins?" then she can't know that it's bothering you.
So my advice would be to start there.
I'm sure others who have ADHD will be able to give more advice about that side of things.

[biscuits]

Teamwork might help - so if you cook dinner for the both of you, she does the washing up. If she makes dinner for the both of you, then you wash up. It might be nice to go to that arrangement? Routine helps with with tasks and ADHD.

As for the bins, visual reminders can help. You could do a bin rota?

You'd both have to be in agreement with both of those things. It sounds like you're both quite separate so it might be nicer to come together?

[Hylas]

Hi, I possibly have ADHD but have decided not to seek a formal diagnosis partly because of the lengthy waiting list for a consultation which was confirmed to me by my GP and if I did get a diagnosis there's likely another wait afterwards before receiving any medication. I did see this video by Cody Rall on Youtube which suggests that meds are no greater benefit than psychotherapy. He goes through all the options that might help.

Just don't tell your sister there is a 'her' in dishwasher, you don't want to inflame the situation.

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by Hylas

Hi, I possibly have ADHD but have decided not to seek a formal diagnosis partly because of the lengthy waiting list for a consultation which was confirmed to me by my GP and if I did get a diagnosis there's likely another wait afterwards before receiving any medication. I did see this video by Cody Rall on Youtube which suggests that meds are no greater benefit than psychotherapy. He goes through all the options that might help.

Just don't tell your sister there is a 'her' in dishwasher, you don't want to inflame the situation.

Thanks for this! (I had been thinking I was the only person ''mad'' enough not to want a consultation... I have experienced medical trauma more than a few times...)

Not implying anyone here is ''mad''...just me.

[Hylas]

Originally Posted by Bluebear

Thanks for this! (I had been thinking I was the only person ''mad'' enough not to want a consultation... I have experienced medical trauma more than a few times...)

Not implying anyone here is ''mad''...just me.

Yeah it's funny how a doctor's only remit is too make you feel better but somehow many fail to do just that. I know it's off topic but I watched this today, my faith in the medical profession is non existant. WARNING to anyone who decides to watch this, it is upsetting. Playing God is a profoundly moving documentary that dives into the heart-wrenching journeys of families who have lost their loved ones to end-of-life drugs.
http://www.ukcolumn.org/video/playing-god

[Amara 94]

Originally Posted by biscuits

Teamwork might help - so if you cook dinner for the both of you, she does the washing up. If she makes dinner for the both of you, then you wash up. It might be nice to go to that arrangement? Routine helps with with tasks and ADHD.

As for the bins, visual reminders can help. You could do a bin rota?

You'd both have to be in agreement with both of those things. It sounds like you're both quite separate so it might be nicer to come together?

I think the environment encourages separateness. As my sister uses the living room as bedroom and office. It has been her bedroom for 10 years because my mum started smoking in my teens and use to do it in the bedroom next to my sisters, but my mum hasn’t been in that bedroom for almost 2 years so now I don’t think there is too much excuse to use the living room as bedroom.


I’m thinking maybe we need to make a living room like a living room and to use it as one.


I feel my sister and my relationship is the result of an unhealthy house environment that silently grew during my teen years due to shame about me having a mental breakdown and then my mums behaviour when my sister was a teen. Now I’m beginning to think my sister also has issues or a mentality that isn’t healthy regarding family interaction.


If I had the money to I would want to move out.

[Dougella]

Are you wondering if it's her ADHD that's affecting her not doing things around the house? That could be a factor.

It sounds like as you and your sister are both neurodivergent you could could discuss between you the best ways to make things work around the house and comfortable for both of you.

[Amara 94]

Yes, but partially. I think it's a complicated situation.

[Merry]

Hi Amara,
Adhd is quite complicated in the way it affects rules and routines, and there’s PDA which means even if you politely ask someone to do something it’s much more emotionally draining than it really should be. Rather than seeing it as a reasonable suggestion it feels like a personal attack to the person.

My experience is that most of the issues around adhd and pda stem from anxiety and a need to be in control. Any kind of polite suggestions as to how to interact more appropriately or considerately tend to cause more anxiety and upset, which leads to frustration, defensiveness and withdrawal. People with adhd don’t want to live in chaos but really struggle with regular routines and then feel a lot of shame for not living up to expectations of others/societal norms.
Living with someone who is adhd can be difficult and I try to remember 1: Their behaviour never has intention (ie: your sister does not intend to upset you or disrespect you by not cleaning up after herself), though it often feels that way. Remembering that their behaviour has no intention can be really important as it can stop tension rising, and 2: People with adhd tend to be more productive when they are in control and feeling happy, so focussing on the person, and the relationship, rather than the behaviour helps. (Finding common ground and trying to find neutral conversation, or talking about their interests or just little things to diffuse tension, like offering a cup of tea if you’re making one, are good.)
That can be difficult if you are also ND in a different way and find routine and tidiness a comforting framework.

If you focus on building a friendlier relationship you might find she tries harder to remember to be more responsible around the house, though it’s not a guarantee. It is really difficult I know, it can feel hurtful and selfish when people seem to be disregarding you and your feelings, but I don’t think they mean to be hurtful at all, it is a disorder.

It does sound like the ideal solution would be to live away from each other and build a better relationship where you aren’t irritated by the living situation, but I know that is really difficult in the society we have now.

[Amara 94]

^ thanks for your advice.

Outside of my sister I suspect neurodivergence in my extended family but since they are Nigerian, most of my 1st extended family were in Nigeria until recently rather than be aware of it it’s been said that mental illness in the family, probably a result of untreated neurodivergent issues, is a spiritual curse from my grandad’s, i never met him, side. And the shame doesn’t solve anything, it appears to, as I think it’s hidden behind trying to be successful, but creates more problems.

Yeah if i can I might move out. So I will see if being nice, it’s hard to say friendly because we aren’t interacting so much, helps.

[Merry]

Just to add, if your sister has a bedroom of her own then it’s definitely reasonable to ask for the living room to be reinstated as a living room.

Bringing that up will probably cause argument with her, because she is not in control of that idea and she will probably feel instantly angry at the thought of it, especially as it would require a lot of organisation that she won’t know how to do.
If it’s important for you to have that space though, I think it’s worth navigating. If you do assert yourself with her, don’t be drawn into arguing. Just say that that’s what you want, you know it might be difficult for her, that you will help with any organisation and then walk away. Bring it up again when she’s calmed down. You have to kind of learn to pick your battles, and be assertive but calm.

[Merry]

Originally Posted by Amara 94

^ thanks for your advice.

Outside of my sister I suspect neurodivergence in my extended family but since they are Nigerian, most of my 1st extended family were in Nigeria until recently rather than be aware of it it’s been said that mental illness in the family, probably a result of untreated neurodivergent issues, is a spiritual curse from my grandad’s, i never met him, side. And the shame doesn’t solve anything, it appears to, as I think it’s hidden behind trying to be successful, but creates more problems.

Yeah if i can I might move out. So I will see if being nice, it’s hard to say friendly because we aren’t interacting so much, helps.

It’s really hard to build bridges, but I find little things really help, like making some food to share or just recognising and bringing up their interests, talking about issues directly always seems to escalate the situation. (In my experience) You need to just try and build a bridge and recognise that they are really, really averse to any discussion about themselves in any way.

[Amara 94]

Yes, this is why confrontation is hard. If we haven’t be talking much I would imagine that a confrontation would sound like I don’t like her, not just a confrontation.