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  #61  
Old 24th July 2013, 00:18
this_is_the_one this_is_the_one is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Severian
Not really, but that's mostly my fault.

On the one hand I have made some efforts to reach out to people here. I've PMed a few people but they either haven't replied or only sent a couple of obvious half-arsed replies before giving up. It's funny as some of those people were moaning in the forums about being lonely and having no one to talk to. I suppose I was just too boring for them. Or not female enough.

Otherwise, yeah, my SA has really prevented me from making much headway on the social front. As you can probably tell, gentle reader, from this mess of a post, I'm a naturally poor communicator in prose. I'm a poor communicator in speech too, but obviously it's written form that matters here and a decade of clinical depression and ill-health has deadened my wits and erased all traces of humour and goodwill from my soul. I don't know how to communicate with people on any meaningful level and my life of inactivity has left me with nothing interesting to say anyway. The best I could offer is the occasional platitude or trite saying pinched from some American self-help blog ("Dude, you gotta learn to love yourself!" "You gotta work on yourself, man!"), but lots of other people here have that base covered and I have too much respect for people suffering with MH issues to fob them off with pop positivity bullshit.

I could go to meets, but, again, my SA and crippling sense of shame get in the way. If I went to a meet I would just sit there in silence, unable to contribute to any discussion, only serving to make the people around me feel uncomfortable. I kind of get the impression that a lot of the regulars here have known each other for years and are really closeknit, so trying to establish a place for myself in the group would be hard enough even without my handicaps.

Most of the time posting just feels pointless. No one knows me or ever will know me, no one has a stake in my life, I'm just text on a screen. Why try to convince myself that people will care about what I have or try to say? I'm just another slightly bewildered, deeply inadequate, maladapted, gawky twentysomething male; the type that infests pretty much every MH or self-help orientated forum across the internet. Like vermin.

So why do I keep coming back here? Because I'm lonely. Despite my best efforts, volunteering and joining clubs and university and seeking employment, I still can't make connections with people. And it's killing me. I see a therapist, but it's only for the conversation. I tell him he's my conversation-prostitute, and he laughs. Still, as long as I keep paying him, and as long as he doesn't grow a conscience over night and realise that it's unethical to keep taking money from someone he's admitted he doesn't know how to help, he won't leave me.


I feel better for that! Not only was it awesomely and nauseatingly self-pitying but it's also the longest post I've ever made here!
If it's any consolation, that was very intriguing what you just wrote there. I do wonder about these meets though. 30 people meeting up in a public setting. If you have social anxiety i dont know how you can meet 29 other people in public. Still, respect to them!

I do sometimes get the feeling this place is a bit cliquey, but I could be wrong
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  #62  
Old 24th July 2013, 00:23
black_mamba black_mamba is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

There's no shame here Severian, we all have negative thoughts swirling around and battle with them in different ways.

Making your thoughts more real might be useful in some ways, you'd be better positioned to challenge them if you know exactly what they are.

Volunteering is in my mind the best way to get experiences in different environments without existing skills I imagine? I don't know, maybe some of the more popular organisations are being more strict about the people they use. If it weren't for random volunteering jobs I would never have started my journey to recovery so I'm kinda bias towards their ability to improve your mood.

Do you enjoy it?
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  #63  
Old 24th July 2013, 00:51
Hades Hades is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by black_mamba
There's no shame here Severian, we all have negative thoughts swirling around and battle with them in different ways.

Making your thoughts more real might be useful in some ways, you'd be better positioned to challenge them if you know exactly what they are.

Volunteering is in my mind the best way to get experiences in different environments without existing skills I imagine? I don't know, maybe some of the more popular organisations are being more strict about the people they use. If it weren't for random volunteering jobs I would never have started my journey to recovery so I'm kinda bias towards their ability to improve your mood.

Do you enjoy it?
Merely being registered here is a cause for shame. The fact that I deal with my negative thoughts so ineffectually is another reason for shame. I'm already completely aware of what my problems are. Discussing them hasn't made things any easier. As I said, I visit MH forums for the company, not for the pop positivity.

What sort of volunteering jobs did you do? I used the "do-it" website and the local volunteering agency and I struggled to find roles that didn't require particular skills. It's probable that you had/have a wider range of skill-sets than me so you were able to do a greater range of jobs. Anyway, at this point I just want to find paid work. The volunteering is only a means to that end.

No, other than beefing up the CV and very limited exposure therapy it's horribly boring. I know the popular line here is "Join a club or volunteer = make friends" but there is no opportunity for me to do that due to the massive age gap. It's the same with the Community College courses. It seems literally impossible to find someone my own age.
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  #64  
Old 24th July 2013, 01:05
black_mamba black_mamba is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Severian
Merely being registered here is a cause for shame. The fact that I deal with my negative thoughts so ineffectually is another reason for shame. I'm already completely aware of what my problems are. Discussing them hasn't made things any easier. As I said, I visit MH forums for the company, not for the pop positivity.
Can't tell if you're referring to me or not, didn't mean to annoy/offend if this was the case. Just spewing random thoughts out.

Quote:
It's probable that you had/have a wider range of skill-sets than me so you were able to do a greater range of jobs. Anyway, at this point I just want to find paid work. The volunteering is only a means to that end.
Fair enough. No I was absolutely horrific, had no skills whatsoever and learnt as I went along....wrote for student paper, did stuff in primary schools like you, worked in a homeless shelther one christmas, human rights campaigning, loads of fund raising stuff.

Quote:
No, other than beefing up the CV and very limited exposure therapy it's horribly boring. I know the popular line here is "Join a club or volunteer = make friends" but there is no opportunity for me to do that due to the massive age gap. It's the same with the Community College courses. It seems literally impossible to find someone my own age.
Dare I mention SA UK meets. There, I mentioned it.
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  #65  
Old 24th July 2013, 01:10
black_mamba black_mamba is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

I'm gonna get a bollocking for this but I don't get the complaint about cliqueness. I mean, how would you actually stop this from happening? How can you make a community less cliquey? Maybe I've not understood the problem fully.

I fear maybe I have contributed to this sense of cliqueyness (is that even a word) without knowing it, yet I do wonder if it's my problem for talking too much or just another manifestation of social anxiety from others?

Everyone and anyone is welcome to butt into my stupid ramblings.
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  #66  
Old 24th July 2013, 11:50
Hades Hades is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

I never said this site was "cliquey" or "hostile to outsiders" or anything of the sort. I was just saying that sometimes it seems that there are already so many well-forged connections here that it seems impossible that I'd be able to make my own. This isn't due to the people here being hostile or there being a parochial mindset but because I simply don't have the personality required to make people warm to me.

Black Mumba:

The "pop positivity" comment wasn't aimed at you. I'm not sure why you're pushing the meets on me when I've already explained why they're not a realistic option. Maybe there's an unspoken assumption here that I'm exaggerating my problems or that it's only the depression talking?

Geddalexneil:

Interesting post. I used to think the same way about the PMs, but after so many rejections it's hard to remain philosophical about it. And I'm not just talking about this site. I'm thinking of Socialphobiaworld and Social Anxiety Support too. It's hard to attribute the lack of replies to ordinary anxiety. I think laziness and selfishness play a strong part. People don't want to make the effort, and they don't appreciate the effort made by others. What does it really cost to type out a few words? Your anxiety is really bad at the moment? That's perfectly okay. But are you really incapable of typing a quick "Thanks, anxiety is bad so can't really talk atm"? I also suspect that a lot of the guys I've messaged (esp. on SAS) only really use the forums to hook up. I'm not girlfriend material so don't merit the effort of a reply.

I'm pretty much done with therapy at this point. Including the "conversation-prostitute", I've seen 7 therapists over the last 8 years. I've attended the sessions faithfully, been as honest as I could, did all the homework/exposure assignments etc. Nothing seems to work.

But anyway, thanks to everyone who took the time to reply.
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  #67  
Old 24th July 2013, 12:46
black_mamba black_mamba is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

The clique comment was not aimed at you Severian. It was referring to the posts by other people on this thread.

And I am in no way "pushing" you. It was a mere suggestion. I was just trying to have a chit chat.
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  #68  
Old 24th July 2013, 13:27
Sleepless Sleepless is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by this_is_the_one
If it's any consolation, that was very intriguing what you just wrote there. I do wonder about these meets though. 30 people meeting up in a public setting. If you have social anxiety i dont know how you can meet 29 other people in public. Still, respect to them!

I do sometimes get the feeling this place is a bit cliquey, but I could be wrong
No you're right.
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  #69  
Old 24th July 2013, 14:09
this_is_the_one this_is_the_one is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sleepless
No you're right.
Just to clarify, my "clique" comment wasn't meant to sound embittered or negative. Clique's are a normal part of society and will be seen in all forums. So far I'd say everyone has been pretty friendly.
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  #70  
Old 24th July 2013, 14:18
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Interesting post. I used to think the same way about the PMs, but after so many rejections it's hard to remain philosophical about it. And I'm not just talking about this site. I'm thinking of Socialphobiaworld and Social Anxiety Support too. It's hard to attribute the lack of replies to ordinary anxiety. I think laziness and selfishness play a strong part. People don't want to make the effort, and they don't appreciate the effort made by others. What does it really cost to type out a few words? Your anxiety is really bad at the moment? That's perfectly okay. But are you really incapable of typing a quick "Thanks, anxiety is bad so can't really talk atm"? I also suspect that a lot of the guys I've messaged (esp. on SAS) only really use the forums to hook up. I'm not girlfriend material so don't merit the effort of a reply.
I think you'll find that this happens to most people, i've certainly experienced it. It can feel like rejection or cause us to worry about what we've done wrong. But ultimitely we all have anxiety here, we don't know what's going on in someone elses life and not everyone will get on anyway. It's hard but we just have to try not to take it too personally.
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  #71  
Old 24th July 2013, 14:24
Azi Azi is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by this_is_the_one
Just to clarify, my "clique" comment wasn't meant to sound embittered or negative. Clique's are a normal part of society and will be seen in all forums. So far I'd say everyone has been pretty friendly.
The thing is 'clique' implies an exclusive group, and I just don't see that happening here. That said, it's almost inevitable that people will feel excluded due to their SA and the nature of an anonymous discussion board, but it's important to recognise that people here aren't trying to push anyone away.
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  #72  
Old 24th July 2013, 15:39
Hades Hades is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Emu*
This forum has gone downhill.

What happened to:
"There are so many cliques here"
"Nobody replies to my posts"
"Only hot girls get replies"
"No one likes me because I'm not funny or interesting which is totally not my fault"
"Everyone is just having their own little conversations"
"People somehow seem closer to those they've known for years than to me, who has only just joined "

Good times.
Not sure how much of that was inspired by my posts but I'll comment anyway. I didn't actually say any of those things. I just had a bad moment last night and needed to vent a little. This is something I rarely do as I'm normally too terrified to say anything. It's hard to describe really... I came here last night intending to say as part of my new drive for self-improvement that I wanted to start taking my membership here seriously, that I would try to talk to people normally, engage as well as I could, but that I was scared and not sure exactly how I would go about it... but a lot of things that had been boiling inside me poured out instead and things got completely sidetracked. In truth, very little of my frustration is directly related to this forum. It's just that I happened to be writing here and being unaccustomed to talking about myself, I framed everything in a way that was easy and safe by mainly referring to the forum. I certainly don't begrudge anyone finding what little happiness they can here. Neither do I expect to suddenly be my best friend. That would be silly. I didn't say "only hot girls get messages"; I was referring to a tendency I'd seen on lots of other forums where lonely guys would often focus their attention on women. As for the "funny and interesting" bit, I'm not sure how I could have made the self-loathing any clearer. I actually think that comment was a little nasty as long-term illness can have a very marked impact on someone's personality and not everyone thrives under hardship. The sarcasm was unnecessary too.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. But surely you all know what it's like? You feel so miserable and impotent and you want to communicate those feelings to other people... but you just can't do it properly. If it makes you feel any better, Emu, I couldn't feel any more embarassed than I am right now.
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  #73  
Old 24th July 2013, 15:44
David K David K is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

^ It wasn't aimed at you at all, it was a wistful and light-hearted reflection on olden times.
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  #74  
Old 24th July 2013, 15:45
Azi Azi is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

You shouldn't feel embarrassed, Severian. SAUK is a safe space for us to be able to vent.
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  #75  
Old 24th July 2013, 15:49
PussyRiot PussyRiot is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Severian

I could go to meets, but, again, my SA and crippling sense of shame get in the way. If I went to a meet I would just sit there in silence, unable to contribute to any discussion, only serving to make the people around me feel uncomfortable. I kind of get the impression that a lot of the regulars here have known each other for years and are really closeknit, so trying to establish a place for myself in the group would be hard enough even without my handicaps.

Most of the time posting just feels pointless. No one knows me or ever will know me, no one has a stake in my life, I'm just text on a screen. Why try to convince myself that people will care about what I have or try to say? I'm just another slightly bewildered, deeply inadequate, maladapted, gawky twentysomething male; the type that infests pretty much every MH or self-help orientated forum across the internet.
Firstly, you are a bloody good communicator if this post is anything to go by.

Secondly, I feel exactly the same in the parts of the post I have quoted above. What keeps me going is that I might actually be wrong and it is worth challenging these thoughts. The alternative is too bleak. You have to make a decision ultimately - either to stay in a hole of your own making (this is me by the way) or risk rejection, but try and make your life better and combat SA. It is a choice at the end of the day.
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  #76  
Old 24th July 2013, 15:52
Hades Hades is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by David K
^ It wasn't aimed at you at all, it was a wistful and light-hearted reflection on olden times.
Ah. Good old paranoia.

Sorry Emu!
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  #77  
Old 24th July 2013, 16:05
black_mamba black_mamba is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

My turn to be paranoid. Have I pissed u off severian? Was not my intention at all.
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  #78  
Old 24th July 2013, 16:08
diplodocus diplodocus is offline
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Default Re: Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Severian

I could go to meets, but, again, my SA and crippling sense of shame get in the way. If I went to a meet I would just sit there in silence, unable to contribute to any discussion, only serving to make the people around me feel uncomfortable. I kind of get the impression that a lot of the regulars here have known each other for years and are really closeknit, so trying to establish a place for myself in the group would be hard enough even without my handicaps.
Why not? That's exactly what I did at my first meet. I sat in virtual silence for about 6 hours hating every minute of it. No attempt in trying to get me to communicate worked despite some very nice people trying. To give you some perspective I knew no one before I went and it was in a busy pub in central London. There were around 40 people that attended that meet, far bigger than most meets these days.

But for some reason even after that ordeal I went to another, and another. And each time it improved slightly. Years later and I have been to over a hundred. They helped me more than anything else to do with this forum.
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  #79  
Old 24th July 2013, 16:11
Hades Hades is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by black_mamba
My turn to be paranoid. Have I pissed u off severian? Was not my intention at all.
Not at all.
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  #80  
Old 24th July 2013, 18:44
black_mamba black_mamba is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

^Cool. I don't ever push people into things and pride myself on being respectful so didn't want you thinking I was trying to be mean. Just literally trying to be friendly.

(This is a general point not aimed at you Severian) I'm glad other people feel the same as me. I do often wonder if I put people off by acting like a complete twat all the time. This is the least exclusive/cliquey online community I've ever seen though so I just wanted to express that.
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  #81  
Old 24th July 2013, 18:50
David K David K is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by black_mamba
I do often wonder if I put people off by acting like a complete twat all the time.
Paranoia is rife in this thread, eh? I've never noticed you acting like a twat.
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  #82  
Old 24th July 2013, 18:52
black_mamba black_mamba is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by David K
Paranoia is rife in this thread, eh? I've never noticed you acting like a twat.
I will blame the fact I'm coming off my meds this week. Gone funny in the head.
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  #83  
Old 24th July 2013, 18:55
David K David K is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

^



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  #84  
Old 24th July 2013, 19:01
black_mamba black_mamba is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

^lol !

I had a crazy dream last night involving giant killer sea squid coming into my house and then me being chased by a crazy guy sat on a squid and me flapping around like a dolphin trying to escape him underwater. Then Nick Hewer from The Apprentice rang me to ask why I was late for my meeting.

Hmm...
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  #85  
Old 24th July 2013, 19:50
black_mamba black_mamba is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Geddalexneil
^
is this a cliquey little chat going on?


This chat is only for people with beards.
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  #86  
Old 24th July 2013, 20:04
David K David K is offline
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  #87  
Old 24th July 2013, 20:06
black_mamba black_mamba is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Geddalexneil
Hmmm, how do I ask a lady moderator about her beard without getting banned?
I have one big black hair that grows from my chin. I have to pluck it monthly.

Thus, I have a beard.
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  #88  
Old 24th July 2013, 20:14
Mortigantoj Mortigantoj is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

When did this become a beard-related thread?

I have random bright red hairs if I grow my beard
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  #89  
Old 24th July 2013, 21:36
black_mamba black_mamba is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Emu*
I have one really dark hair on my moustache area. Like much much darker and longer than the rest of them. While I wouldn't say I in any way have a full on moustache, I tend to remove all hair from my moustache area at certain intervals anyway, because I'm paranoid. However, when I forget, I'm left with this one really noticeable one. My ex mentioned it then spent about half an hour trying to pluck it out, while saying "oops wrong one" which err didn't make me feel better.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tabitha
I am getting hairer the older I get. I seem to spend my life, removing hair If I left it all, I am sure I would soon look like a bear
You should've seen my leg when they removed the cast recently. The word gorilla was an understatement.
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  #90  
Old 24th July 2013, 23:04
Tom123 Tom123 is offline
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Default Re: How has SAUK helped you?

The biggest help it's been for me is simply being a hub for dumping all my thoughts which has allowed me to sleep/work/carry on with my day and help quell obsessive tendencies.
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