The Confidence Threshold

[black_mamba]

I just wanted to share some thoughts/experiences I've had recently about SA and if anything positive can be learnt from them - I feel as if I'm getting all these 'clues' about my thought patterns yet I am unable to put them to good use!

So here's whats been going on:

Friday

The final day of a project managment training scheme run by my company. There were 9 of us in total and we were asked to pick a project and present to the rest of the group how we would manage it. I already knew I had to do the presentation, but I also found out midway through the day that my line manager would be watching.

<--That is the exact face I pulled to my friend across the table. I was SO nervous and frightened that I would be sick or run away. But, after popping a few beta blockers and reminding myself that I could do it and have done in the past, I presented without any major hiccup.

Now here is the interesting bit for me: after the presentations were completed and the training was over, I went back to my office. My boss and another colleague who was on the training course were discussing it. I did something I don't think I've ever done in my life - I approached them purposely to have a chat when the option was openly available to ignore them and hide away at my desk. This for me is extremely strange and confident behaviour.

Had I crossed over some sort of confidence threshold by doing the presentation?

Contrast with this:

Saturday

Had been feeling a bit ill so decided to stay home all day and do chores - cleaning, ironing, some reading, but ended up spending a lot of time online as well.

In the evening I had tickets booked for Spiderman 3 with my boyfriend. When I left to go meet him at the cinema I was fuming with pent up aggression (swearing under my breath at pedstrians getting in my way) and felt incredibly depressed. I had spent all day indoors until the moment I left my flat - i.e. zero social contact all day. When I was buying ice cream at the cinema I was incredibly nervous about talking to the cashier. Why?! Only the day before I had given a presentation and yet this minor exchange of words between me and a stranger invoked a lot of negative feelings.

--------------------------------

I'm starting to see a pattern whereby if I cross this imaginary confidence line by pushing myself beyond it, I will retain that confidence gained for the rest of the day. However if I don't make any social contact at all I will start regressing into general negativity. Online social contact doesn't count.

I don't know if this is something that happens a lot to people in general or people with SA - but can anyone imagine how this idea could be put to use to enable me to retain that increased confidence and use it everyday?

[misslaura]

I can relate to this feeling it can be frustrating

First of all, well done

I've had similar experiences myself. I've felt almost invincible after some meets I've been to for example, knowing that I've pushed through a barrier leaves me feeling quite high and like I can do anything. But the feeling fades all too soon. If you allow yourself to retreat too much and get 'rusty,' then in a lot of ways it's like starting from scratch. Well, that's the way it seems to work for me. I guess the solution might be to find your optimium level of social contact and try to maintain that. Too much can overwhelm and exhaust me, not enough and I'm gibbering jelly gecko.

I need to find people locally to practice on

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by The_Ubiquitous_Gecko

I need to find people locally to practice on

A social punchbag, so to speak?

Maintaining social contact is hard when most of the time it is forced, or feels forced (do I want to be social? I can never answer that). This is also why I try to do more socially now during the week - organising meet ups or going out to places - it helps to maintain my confidence above a certain level. But its a juggling act because if I can't go out then I start retreating into myself again, and as you say, it really feels as if I'm starting over from nothing.

Some more ponderances...

May we always be riding along on the wave of our last success

Of course, to do so would necessitate always recognising our achievements which can be difficult at times. It's something to aim for though

A social punchbag, so to speak?

Yeah, maybe I'll put an ad up in the window of the corner shop. 'Social training buddy required. Only understanding individuals need apply!'

[blubs]

hello b-m,
good to hear you're doing so well in your job

I get feelings of increased confidence sometimes after I've done something that I've been really anxious about.
I don't know if it's the same thing though...as I think its to do with hormone levels...as when I've been anxious & building up to something...I'm full of adrenelin which makes me feel aweful...& when its over the adrenelin goes & for a while my confidence threshhold seems better.
I think it'd be easier if I didn't produce the adrenelin at all...I imagine thats what its like to be completely confident.

[Pal]

I suppose you could look at it like this. The brain is a muscle that needs excercising everyday, mentally, and that could be the same for confidence in dealing with people. If you're at a point where you've had to force yourself to deal with people your confidence levels are going to be up and you'll be all psyched up for your next encounter but if you've been shut away at home with no contact you'll get lazy minded and won't be so ready for the next social encounter.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by The_Ubiquitous_Gecko

Yeah, maybe I'll put an ad up in the window of the corner shop. 'Social training buddy required. Only understanding individuals need apply!'

Sounds more appealing than being a social punchbag.

Originally Posted by Pal

The brain is a muscle that needs excercising everyday, mentally, and that could be the same for confidence in dealing with people.

Yep. It seems to be that way for me and I will try to use that to my advantage, but I see other people not needing to do any pre-event social warm-ups and I wonder what it is I am missing.

Originally Posted by blubs

hello b-m,
good to hear you're doing so well in your job

Hey blubs. Its going well but its taken months of feeling intensely nervous to get to this point. Now I feel only moderately nevous at work.

I get feelings of increased confidence sometimes after I've done something that I've been really anxious about.
I don't know if it's the same thing though...as I think its to do with hormone levels...as when I've been anxious & building up to something...I'm full of adrenelin which makes me feel aweful...& when its over the adrenelin goes & for a while my confidence threshhold seems better.

Yeah maybe it is also the physical aspect of adrenaline in the system pushing me to do those confident things. Especially since my confidence depleats after only a few hours rather than a few days. Doesn't sound like something I can use on a day to day basis though.

Originally Posted by MasterCaster

Your fighting an uphill battle. I must have posted this a billion times but until you deal with the root cause of your problematic thinking 'habit' you'll always be driftwood to your emotions.

I know that what I am doing is quite stupid in a way: pushing myself beyond my limits without trying to change my negative thought habits beforehand and instead, hoping that through the exposure, I'll learn to accept that nothing is actually worth getting so nervous about. It works brilliantly for some things, but for others it has created a lifestyle of constant stress. My job is a good example - I am not socially ready for it but I wanted it so badly.

You have to consistently teach yourself not to be a reactionary. Until that point you will always be beating back the demons that will resurface eventually.

Do you mean not reacting to events in the typical SA negative way? Or did you mean something else? I am trying to do this too but not in a very structured way e.g. talking over things with a friend to seek both positive and negative opinions on it, this challenges my thought process and encourages me to seek a more balanced opinion of various situations.

Thanks for the ideas everyone.

[student nurse]

Do any of you guys show physical signs of anxiety? My hands shake uncontrolably and it's really embaressing, :embarass: I just want to hide. Any tips on how to deal with it?

[Deepguy]

Originally Posted by black_mamba

Now here is the interesting bit for me: after the presentations were completed and the training was over, I went back to my office. My boss and another colleague who was on the training course were discussing it. I did something I don't think I've ever done in my life - I approached them purposely to have a chat when the option was openly available to ignore them and hide away at my desk. This for me is extremely strange and confident behaviour.

I've had several experiences that were similar. Somehow the normal 'anxiety tape' isn't being played, or at least it's being relegated to some far-off corner of the mind. Similar to yourself, usually it's been just after I've managed to get through an experience that has tested my anxiety tolerance to its limits.

I have thought and thought over how I could make this effect more permanent, but I haven't really come up with an answer as yet. The one thing we can take away from it, though, is that it's evidence than we have the ability to behave in a way other than our normal SA-coloured behaviour. The potential exists, but there seems no obvious way of bringing it out at will. If we could find a way, we'd be a long way towards kicking this disorder down for good.

I think what MasterCaster says about tackling the root cause has merit. But it's easier said than done. I think the root negative beliefs in my case are about feeling inferior / unworthy when compared to others, and being afraid of rejection. But if I use CBT-type strategies to try and combat this, there never seems to be a lasting effect.

[hardy]

to nurse. Sorry can't think of a tip but just want to let you know that SA symptoms are very commonly physical. You are not alone.

to Mamba. I think that the great and valuable thing that comes from these "confident periods" is that you might begin to see that confidence is largely to do with the mood youre in. Youre not magically able to do things you couldn't before ! All the skills must have been there already.

Truly seeing and accepting that you have the skills begins to put you into a positive loop instead of the old negative one.

negative circle -- feels unconfident so performs "badly"- so feels unconfident--- so....

postive circle is the exact opposite.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by Mand680

I think what MasterCaster says about tackling the root cause has merit. But it's easier said than done. I think the root negative beliefs in my case are about feeling inferior / unworthy when compared to others, and being afraid of rejection. But if I use CBT-type strategies to try and combat this, there never seems to be a lasting effect.

I'm guessing it'd take years of consistency of method to create a longer lasting effect. If only we could have a mini cbt mentor sat on our shoulders offering words of advice as we went along. I'd pay good money for that service!

What sort of 'limit pushing' events created a confident feeling for you?

Originally Posted by hardy

Youre not magically able to do things you couldn't before ! All the skills must have been there already.

Yep, except that the physical symptoms of anxiety were blocking those skills (as you mentioned).

Wow - it almost feels like a revelation to know that I can be social if I want to be, and at any point, and that SA is acting like an annoying little barrier to it all.