Self Torment

I’m not one for posting much, particularly on this forum, but here goes anyway…

Reactive depression is I think one of secondary reasons why I ‘avoid’, but it’s also come to be one of the most important too.
A CPN once used the term when she was summarizing my problems many moons ago.

Generally speaking, compared to some and perhaps weirdly, I find comfort, safety and in turn genuine peace and contentment in being secure in my own little world and routine of work, eat, TV/internet, sleep from weekend to weekend, 52 weeks a year.
I rarely get any social invitations (or anything close) these days but all it can sometimes take is one event or most likely a little chain of events to throw me off course and set me a brooding terribly.

A few weeks ago my oldie went on a jaunt down south for five days thus leaving me to enjoy what has now become my annual week of peace, tranquillity and of course freedom. Fine… lovely.
But then after a few short days it was back to normal and the URGH factor set in for a while. Post parental holiday blues.

After a week or so I re adjusted and it was business as usual. But then the next little event came along and I was requested to go along to a work mate’s house one weekend for a few hours to set up his new PC for him. He being a technophobe and generally uninterested, regarding the mysteries of computers and the interweb.
(The PC is mainly for his wife and the kids)
I helped him and his missus get their PC and set it up and made sure they were au fait with everything. They were highly delighted and subsequently thanked me and presented me with a bottle of one of my favourite malts for my trouble.


Unbeknown to him is the fact that he is a secret hero of mine. Why? Well I guess he is someone who in an ideal world I would aspire to most. He’s confident, motivated, very little seems to phase him, he’s travelled all over the world with work and has worked his way up to a position of respect and authority. He works hard and plays hard and appears to have a healthy social network. He has a lovely house, a nice wife (childhood sweetheart) and two fantastic kids and… not to put too finer point on it, he basically oozes natural confidence and mental well being generally.

He’s also a genuinely nice guy and I feel lucky that we’re friends at work as well as colleagues.

Anyway, enough of my fawning.

I don’t have a problem with jealousy or envy, as those are things I’ve never really done. On the contrary, I’m genuinely happy that he’s done so well; or at least in my eyes anyway.

No, it’s more that old thing about comparing oneself to others and feeling inadequate because of it.
Of course there’ll be always some that I/we can compare ourselves to and feel lesser for it. But knowing this doesn’t help or at least it doesn’t me and even more so when I’m feeling a tad fragile anyway.


Being the companies unofficial ‘computer expert’ (I’m far from an “expert”), I’ve helped numerous people before in many different ways because I enjoy it, but none have affected me like this episode, but then of course I don’t think of everyone as I do this guy.


Because I don’t do anything (the motivation and compulsion left me long ago), popping over to a friend/colleagues house for a couple of hours is a big deal for me.
And when it’s someone you secretly admire a great deal and because the things you admire him for are taken for granted by so very many and when you’re recovering from feeling a little bit, sad, crap and inadequate, it tends to make you feel sadder, crapper and even more inadequate than you did before and for longer.

Then to top it off, my holiday week comes round when the best I can manage is a week away with parent at relatives that live an hour’s drive away.
The only type of holiday I’ve ever managed.
A week of physical rest maybe, but mental rest? Not usually.
Depending on my emotional well being at the time I start a holiday/week off, it can very often and as in this case, be 7 days of way too much thinking time, an inevitable period of self torment and of massive feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.

On the one hand it’s nice to have a break from work, but on the other its awful being out and about in different places being constantly reminded of how the other half live.


As part if my gloomfest this last week, I’ve been pondering my future ‘holidays’ when I have no family left to visit and it’s just me. And as always it seems so bleak that I instinctively shut my eyes in a vein attempt to block out the thought.
Maybe I’ll cope better when the time comes.

Small, trivial things that aren’t given a second thought by most ‘normals’, but they all add up to (Emote: ohwell) sometimes.

I don’t know how to not compare myself to others other than by avoiding or limiting the situations where I find it inevitable. The anxiety, anticipatory or otherwise, that situations produce is negligible given the wider picture. It’s the depression during and afterwards that’s always been the killer for me.





[1 edits; Last edit by filo at 21:45:32 Sat Jun 18 2005]

Brilliant post filo! I can definitely relate to always comparing mysef to others and I almost always feel inferior to them.

I know this confident self assured guy who gels with everyone he meets, and being with him results in me feeling like a useless loser so I avoid seeing him.

I too have no idea how not to compare myself with others.

Yep, great post Filo! (Emote: smile)

I'm forever comparing myself to others and feel so inferior to everyone. Like you, I see the achievements of others, ('simple' things that they take for granted), and feel totally inadequate. I know that a lot of this comparing myself to others who seem to have made a success of their lives is also something that keeps my depression burning. I guess if we must compare ourselves to others, it is wisest to compare ourselves to those whom we believe are less happy or advantaged than we are? Anyhow, sometimes, if we were to scratch the surface, people who appear to have it all aren't always quite as 'perfect' or happy as we believe (Emote: ohwell)

I don't think limiting or avoiding the situations where we compare ourselves is the answer, although I don't know what is... (Emote: rolleyes)

Quote: Scottidog at 00***58;31***58;27 Sun Jun 19 2005
Anyhow, sometimes, if we were to scratch the surface, people who appear to have it all aren't always quite as 'perfect' or happy as we believe

I think that's very true.

Quote: introverted_guy at 11***58;27***58;24 Sun Jun 19 2005

I think that's very true.

Absolutely, yes, appearances can certainly be deceptive.
Very often the grass isn't greener on the other side. The qualities and positive aspects that we perceive others to have and hold are sometimes negated by other less obvious negative aspects. Sometimes these are even a direct consequence of these 'good things'.

However knowing that is one thing, relating it to our daily, casual perceptions so that it doesn't act as a negative force is another...

Not impossible per se, but very difficult for the likes of me.












[1 edits; Last edit by filo at 12:21:55 Sun Jun 19 2005]

Interesting post filo. I think what lies at the root of all this is that our self-esteem is mostly influenced by the way we compare ourselves with others around us. For avoidant folks, that comparison can become very distorted because we only see people in certain circumstances, eg. on TV, at work etc where only a small number of a certain type of person exist. And we only get to see a certain facet of their personality under those circumstances.

I think that is why many people say how good they feel about finding SAUK; suddenly they have a whole new set of people with the same challenges in life, and their self-esteem is immediately boosted.

Like the other guys said, you don't see the whole picture of others' lives. A surprising fact (to me at least) is that often the people we admire probably also admire things about us. From your experience, people obviously value your PC know-how and probably wish they could do tech stuff too.

Although I'm deviod of talent I know one of my sickeningly-talented old friends was deeply jealous of my independant lifestyle since he was afraid to leave home at 31. Horses for courses.

cheers

Philipo

Some good points there Philipo!
None of which i would disagree with (Emote: smile)