Saying peoples names

[shygirl2010]

Hi there. I just wondered if it was just me but I find it really weird and uncomfortable to say peoples names when talking to them. I hate having to shout across the room to say someone's name to get their attention. Does anyone else have this? Is this part of social anxiety? Or am I just weird. I don't even like saying my partners name and even though we been together 11 years hes has mentioned it a few times in the past but lately been saying it alot and I just don't know what to say. Feel really upset with myself. Thanks. Shygirl.

[3stacks]

I'm the same so you're not alone in that!

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[biscuits]

Maybe this is something you could explore with your partner. You could have a little chat with them about how you find it hard. It doesn't matter if you're unable to identify or communicate with them about why it's so challenging. That can be part of the conversation - that you're not sure why. That's a big part of SA, not really knowing why we feel the need to avoid certain things - it's a strong feeling we have inside.

Maybe together you could agree on a time where you'd both like it for you to say their name e.g. "Cecil, would you like a cup of tea?"

Then just try that for a while. It will definitely feel weird and forced at first - and it's important to recognise that will be the case. With all things sa-combatting, it's constant repetition until it becomes a natural behaviour.

[Indigo_]

I am exactly the same, I don't use my partner's name either.

[Jen.]

Yeah, same here. I knew I'd been avoiding doing it as far back as I can remember because it just felt awkward to, but I never gave it much thought until one day when I needed to get a boyfriend's attention in a supermarket so I said his name and he was like "Huh... that's weird, I don't think I've ever heard you say my name before." It doesn't feel strange at all to say someone's name when speaking about them to someone else, but saying it directly to them definitely does and I don't know why. I used to justify it to myself by reasoning that there was no need to say someone's name when I'm looking at them and it's obvious that I'm talking to them, but going by how often other people do it, even if it's only two of them in a room, it's obviously abnormal to never do it.

[Azalea]

I am the same, I couldn't say ex's name to him or his parents. I just thought I was weird.
I also hate it when someone asks my name, I really struggle to say it clearly.

[anewyear]

I have that problem but only with two people.. my wife and my sister.

With my wife I reckon it's cos I never call her by her actual name but instead by a nickname. You could probably call it a pet name cos only we use it, not others, but it's not a sickly mawkish word so I've no problem using it to holler across a room at her. The only time I have a problem is if we're having an argument (generally rare) and I need to get her attention and a term of affection would be forced!

Bit different with my sister. Most people call her by a shortened version of her first name but that only started when she was about 20, therefore it's always seemed alien to me and I call her by the full version. However it's a bit lengthy (well, 3 syllables!) so it fells an awkward thing to shout out when she doesn't generally use it.

[Dougella]

I hadn't thought about this much before but I rarely use people's names, I definitely wouldn't want to be calling across a room to someone when other people were around!

I don't mind people saying my name too much, but it does surprise me a bit as it rarely happens either.

[Indigo_]

I really struggle to use the first names of people in authority too, like a boss/manager. I feel so uncomfortable.

[limey123]

I just hate shouting across a room or having others hear my phone calls, whether using names or not. But yeah, I'm also not the best at using people's names. Though I'm trying to get more consistent at it. I read somewhere that it's a possible autistic trait, which would in my case make sense.

Anyone here call their parent(s) by their first names? As a adult you feel you should be doing this, but it still feels weird.

[Dougella]

^ No, always still Mum and Dad.

[Formershyguy]

I find this uncomfortable too, especially people at work. I never called any of teachers by their names either (well Mr or Mrs or what ever). Even at work I have rarely used people's names, not even my bosses names or people I had worked with closely for a long period of time. It has become a habit but during therapy I did manage to call people by their name and even a boss but I stopped because my boss had told me off for something and I guess it all goes back to authority figures. Doesn't feel right calling my boss by their first name like you're friends because you know they have authority over you and can sack you or discipline you. I guess I would rationalise by saying you wouldn't call your parents by their first names, just mum or dad.

I don't even call my mum anything anymore. I used to call her mummy as a child but I don't even feel comfortable calling her mum even though I love her.

[Mr. Spaceman]

^^Strangely, mum and dad are the words I have a problem with. I can write them on greetings cards but I find them impossible to use out loud.

[Tonkin]

Yeah, I find it really strange, unless it's for a proper reason, like saying hello or getting their attention.

But putting into conversation sounds slightly psychopathic, especially as it's a supposedly a widely recommended sales tactic or way to ingratiate yourself with someone. Due to that, whenever I hear someone do it, I think "oh they're trying to "connect" with me".

But I have to admit, when the tactic is well used, it can make me feel more connected to the person, but it is very rarely well used.

[Tonkin]

Hopefully there wasn't a typo in the name.

"Hi Brain!"

[Chess&Junkfood]

I haven't really given it that much thought before. But with close family members, I find that I don't usually say their names. With the exception of using the title of Uncle/Aunty and then saying their names. Then when it comes to anyone else. Which is a big category of course. What with being a big world and all. I think I just go on autopilot when it comes to saying someone's name. Or not saying their name. I've also realised that I always seem to address a doctor by their title of Doctor. No matter who I see. Which is fine I guess. Although I find it interesting that I don't say someone else's job title more often. Like for example, I don't think I've ever said, thank you, Pharmacist. Or thank you, Proctologist. Let's have lunch! It just never seems to happen. Although when I travel on a bus, I do sometimes say, thank you, Driver. But other than that, I can't think of anyone else who I address by their job title. I also remember a while ago, where I had to ask a doctor to come out to me. Although I forget the reason why I asked for a home visit. Not that it's relevant to the story. But still, I do remember being polite and walking the doctor out to the door. Where I then said, thank you, Doctor. I also remember seeing the doctor had a driver waiting for him. At which point, I remember saying, thank you, Driver. What with being polite and all. And if you think about it, it's not everyday where you can address 2 people, by their different job titles, at more or less the same time.

anyway

I'm going to have a veggie burger for dinner. They are from Iceland. Really tasty! I forget the price. £1.50, maybe? I'm not sure.

[Tembo]

I often get people’s names wrong, even if I know them well. This is one reason I rarely call people by their names.

[Morgana]

Now you mention it, yes, I feel like it's too personal and I don't have a right to be saying their name. But I also feel uncomfortable if someone calls me by name too.

[Hayman]

I'm glad this thread has come up because I've always struggled saying other people's names in front of them. I've never brought it up before because I honestly thought that was just a particularly weird quirk of mine...! Too weird to even mention here.

My boss at work for instance... Someone who has been with the company for three and a half years now. To this day I 'jokingly' refer to him as 'sir' or 'Mr <surname>'. I think there's only been one occasion I've used his first name and I felt very uncomfortable. I've no idea why... I think it was to get his attention to take a phone call I had on hold for him.

I wonder why we suffer from this?! It's something I've never been able to figure out or something which I've read about when it comes to Social Anxiety.

[SpectralOwls]

Oh my God, this is me exactly!! Everything posted here is completely how I feel about using names!

I feel like names hold a lot of power. Stopping to think about it now, in some other countries you don't even go around saying anyone's first name unless you're on VERY friendly terms with them. You use honorifics instead.

In folklore some fae or spirits will have control over you if they know your name, or visa versa.

It's just a really strong "DON'T" feeling when using other's names. I've been avoiding it with addressing my fiance's family members. I almost feel like I'll offend them or something by mispronouncing it.

[MissKatie]

I used to absolutely despise it.
I remember at school pretending to forget the names of people so I wouldn't have to say them.

What changed for me was when I started my social transition, you kinda have to put your new name out there for people which involves saying it a lot.

That really helped me feel that names weren't a big deal

[Sunrise]

I used to have this problem, but then I became very self-conscious that it must seem weird that I never call anyone by their name, so I started doing it and it got easier over time. I feel like if I use their name it comes across as much more friendly and personable, and as someone who is naturally very unfriendly I need as much help as I can get when it comes to that.

I never call anyone "mate" or other friendly terms along those lines. I find saying anything like that really uncomfortable for some reason. I think that probably makes me come across as a bit odd and unfriendly.

Despite being incredibly antisocial I've got a real bee in my bonnet about manners and politeness, and I'm very self-conscious coming across as rude.

[TheStrangeOnes]

I'm 62 and the last time I called someone by their first name (in a casual and relaxed manner) was when I was about 12. Until I read these threads I assumed I was the only person in the world who suffered from this weird fear. It's good to know I'm not alone.

[neilm]

I tend to be a bit uncomfortable using folks names too. Think its fairly common for people with SA.

[Entangled]

This thread stood out to me. It's one of those issues I've never heard said aloud before, and thought I was the only one. Saying someone's name feels like an intrusion.
If I'm talking in a group and I have to say something that is supposed to be directed at one individual, I won't manage to show who I'm directing it at, and the wrong person will think it's aimed at them. Usually whoever I am most used to talking to is the one who will think I'm addressing them.

One hypothesis I have is that it's about saying things where the tone makes a crucial difference. Growing up autistic I was unaware of the tone I used, so would be shocked to get a hostile reaction when I didn't know where it came from. I wonder if this theory suits anyone else's experience?

[Boy]

Very interesting!
However, as always, I seem to be the opposite man.

I call people by their names all the time. I feel it's kind of... disrespectful to say someone just like "hey" or just start talking to someone without saying their name.
It is also a habit for me now, I think it would be too hard to force myself not to call someone by their name. I even use it in cases like when I don't ask anything, just stating something, for example, "Ok, I will do it, Mark".

So I do it not because I feel that I will offend someone, it comes naturally, just the way I am.
However, I do feel upset when people avoid saying my name... Even when they start just from "mate" all the time, I always notice this and it upsets me.

Also, I remember long time ago reading some psychology book and it said something like saying people names makes them feel more comfortable and feel acknowledged.
I do for sure. If people call me by my name, it feels... more warm, I guess.

[Hayman]

I can very much relate to this.

At work - I very rarely call people by their names to get their attention. That includes my boss. It either has to be shortened names, nicknames or I merely start talking if they happen to look at me, include me in conversation e.t.c... We've recently took on a young lad who seems to be equally as bad as I am in this respect, so at least I no longer feel alone.

I can't even call my parents 'mum' and 'dad'. I find myself just getting their attention and then talking to them. I absolutely don't mean it in an ignorant or nasty way at all. I just find it uncomfortable calling them. I've been like this right from childhood. It's the same story with my brother but here's an interesting point - I can call the parents 'mum' and 'dad' to my brother and I can say my brother's name to the parents. Saying their own names to their faces though? Not a chance...!

[diamondlife]

I hate calling people by name as well, and I hate being called by name too, especially by people I don't know well. I find it very patronising! Like in customer service calls where they've been instructed to call you by your name at the end of every sentence? I hate that lol. I usually tell them not to do it and that confuses them immensely!

[believer90]

You are definitely not alone. I also find it so hard to use people's names.

Originally Posted by shygirl2010

Hi there. I just wondered if it was just me but I find it really weird and uncomfortable to say peoples names when talking to them. I hate having to shout across the room to say someone's name to get their attention. Does anyone else have this? Is this part of social anxiety? Or am I just weird. I don't even like saying my partners name and even though we been together 11 years hes has mentioned it a few times in the past but lately been saying it alot and I just don't know what to say. Feel really upset with myself. Thanks. Shygirl.

[R.H.I.N.O.]

My issue is forgetting the names of people.

Have no trouble saying them, just remembering them.