Are people mean?

[Gomen]

I can't make friends irl or online. And some have stopped talking to me online for no reason. I thought we had been getting a long swell. Maybe the problem is me but I'm not sure what I do and it causes depression.

I had tried talking to other male SAers online and they would always post about how they didn't have friends. So all of them we chatted for a couple months and they all eventually just stopped. I know now that just because someone has SA that doesn't just make them a nice person just because they're dealing with the same thing you are yourself.

[AnnieLu]

I don't know if this is the case with you, but I often find myself as being the one who has to make all the effort. I don't know whether it's because other people have busier lives, or just their own issues to deal with, but it always seems to have to be me that emails, texts or messages first. And then I'll wait for a reply and sometimes don't get one so I'll have to be the one to instigate conversation again.

It used to bother me more, but now I just figure that if I want these people to be in my life then I'll just have to accept that I have to put more effort in most of the time. I don't think it's personal, I don't take it personally any more, just see it as one of those things I have to put up with if I want to keep friends.

[BritishPeace]

I don't think online friends are really friends, it is boring to chat online you need real life contact.

[Panzerbeard]

Originally Posted by BritishPeace

I don't think online friends are really friends, it is boring to chat online you need real life contact.

With respect, I disagree. An online friend can be just as real as someone you see face-to-face; the dynamic of the relationship is definitely different, and I think it's definitely important and healthy to have "real-life friends", as much as I hate the phrase, but I do think online friendships can be very real and just as emotionally engaging.

[Consolida]

I know how hurtful and disappointing it is when you think you've connected with someone and made a friend (online or off) and then suddenly they seem to lose interest and the 'friendship' dissolves into nothing. It's very hard, isn't it, not to take it personally and wonder if you said or did something to upset them or put them off.

However, if you (hypothetically) asked the person why they had stopped getting in touch with you I think you'd find that it wasn't because they didn't like you at all, but a simple case of people being so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't have the time or energy to put in the amount of effort required to maintain a close friendship. Because, as AnnieLu said, it takes a heck of a lot of effort to keep a friendship going.

Then, if you throw a mental health issue like SA into the mix you've got some genuinely lonely people who I'm sure liked you and very much wanted to be friends but who are struggling with their own personal issues such as avoidance and depression - issues that make maintaining any kind of long lasting friendship challenging. I guess I'm speaking from experience mostly because there's been times when I could barely summon up the energy to drag myself out of bed let alone put in the amount of effort it takes to be a good and supportive friend. But then when I do eventually find myself in a better place mentally I feel too embarrassed to get in touch again

I think I've gone off on a bit of a ramble here when really I'm trying to say very clumsily that I don't think the majority of people with SA stop being friends because they are mean or dislike you, it's just that they have a lot of their own complex and overwhelming issues to deal with that sadly have the habit of getting in the way of friendships.

Hope at least some of that makes sense

Take care Gomen

[Hayman]

I've got to a stage where I'm beginning to see that there's a lot of mean/nasty people out there. Sadly more so than genuinely nice people.

Originally Posted by AnnieLu

I don't know if this is the case with you, but I often find myself as being the one who has to make all the effort. I don't know whether it's because other people have busier lives, or just their own issues to deal with, but it always seems to have to be me that emails, texts or messages first.

Oh yes... I can very much relate to this. Big time. This is something I do sometimes discuss elsewhere and I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees this happening. Here we are, the least socially-equipped in society and we're the ones expected to do by far the most legwork. How ironic is that?! There's no leeway. There's no understanding. There's no equal legwork from the other side... If we don't do absolutely everything (i.e - going above and beyond the measures even those without conditions don't have to do), we're once again blamed for all our problems.

If we make no contact/effort and state we've not had anyone in touch with us - it's all our fault for waiting for others to make the first move... It's funny how all the legwork we've already done is completely ignored, eh? You never see this treatment for those who are more socially able do you? They can sit back and, do nothing and get acknowledged. They do something and the rewards for their efforts come in… So, if they can take it easy and expect others to approach them, why can't we?!

Another common one, on the 'busy' theme is that we're told that we "need to understand" when they don't get in touch because they have their own lives to lead – as if to once again insinuate we're inferior and have no life of our own. It's as if because we don't have the perks of other people (partner, children e.t.c.), they presume we're completely oblivious to their existence.

I would absolutely love to repay this treatment one day if anyone approaches me – that they "need to understand" I have things going on in my life too…