Do you feel comfortable posting on SAUK ?

[Mr Ploppy]

When using SAUK do you feel comfortable discussing a subject which is important to you, or perhaps embarrassing or hurtful ?
Do you feel confident that it won't descend into misplaced, ill thought, humour, or dismissed as unimportant or stupid ?

Does it change if you are male or female ? For example if discussing a relationship, medical or sexual problem, do you think females get a more sympathetic ear than males, or vice-versa ?

Does it honestly feel non judgemental and safe ? Indeed, should this place be a safe, non judgemental place ? Is it "poster beware, judgements and piss takes ahead", and should the mods make that fact more clear to new members ?

With everything above, do you feel the rules change depending on who is posting, ie: different rules for a popular poster or a clique ?

Your thoughts please.

[karl-32]

hmmm i'm gonna be as honest as i can , but i dont feel comfortable


I feel comfortable in some ways , for instance i can shout to the world on here that , i'v got no friends , or , iv got no job and i don't feel embarassed about it in the slightest. Whereas elsewhere i wouldnt dare make such statements.

i am going to get shot for this comment but i'm saying what everyone else might be thinking

i do think females get much much more sympathy and usually this comes from the males. I have my own theorys as to why aswell Please dont make me spell it out !!

A man can write "i feel like killing myself" and he can go totally unoticed. A woman can write " i feel abit down" and she gets about 5 comments from men offering private pm chats etc.

ok i will spell it out . i think alot of men here havnt had sex for a while or a girlfriend and crave it, so use a womans distress to get talking to them .


Go on shoot me!!!

Should this be a safe place??? Well you know we cant go tip toe-ing around and pussy footing , side stepping ,JUST because we have SA and might offend someone , but maybe a bit more tact (something i'm no good at) would be appropriate .

On the whole people here are just as judgemental as out there in the real world. iv met some nice people here . iv met some total tossers here . No different than in the real world

[kastra]

I never start threads because it scares me, and many of my replies go unnoticed, so I don't think the fact that I'm female makes much difference to my experience of the board except that I do get really frustrated by the endless misogyny. I realise there's not much point in trying to challenge it a lot of the time though.

[Mr Ploppy]

Originally Posted by CaveGirl

I['m tied of the anti female vibe on here though. If you mention it you are attacked but I don't give a frig- women are demonised here far too much.

I feel it's the opposite. Not just here but in society in general.
Men are often the worst at demonising themselves.

Strangely the men v women thing that's mentioned feels much stronger on here than in real life. I don't feel there's any of that at work at all.

[karl-32]

Originally Posted by kastra

I never start threads because it scares me, and many of my replies go unnoticed, so I don't think the fact that I'm female makes much difference to my experience of the board except that I do get really frustrated by the endless misogyny. I realise there's not much point in trying to challenge it a lot of the time though.

i dont like starting threads either. i come to the conclusion that if they arnt popular , i'm boring.

My replies always go unoticed to , unless its just people wanting to argue or disagree with me. No-one here is actually interested in anything i have to say .

I had to look up what misogyny meant I dont hate women to be honest. i just have been done wrong by all of them that have been part of my life with no exception ,so its hard to trust people and not generalise sometimes , if all you know is one thing.

[Sea]

Originally Posted by Dragnet

When using SAUK do you feel comfortable discussing a subject which is important to you, or perhaps embarrassing or hurtful ? Do you feel confident that it won't descend into misplaced, ill thought, humour, or dismissed as unimportant or stupid ?

No. But then I wouldn't dare to start a thread on a topic that I wasn't prepared to receive unsympathetic answers on. This is a forum after all, and there are some people using it who are pretty blunt. Hence why I wouldn't dream of starting a thread on a subject uncomfortable to me on a personal level. Maybe that's not how it should be on a support forum in an ideal world, but this is not an ideal world.

Originally Posted by Dragnet

Does it change if you are male or female ? For example if discussing a relationship, medical or sexual problem, do you think females get a more sympathetic ear than males, or vice-versa ?

I think medical problems are treated the same. Sexual problems, well I don't tend to read those threads. Relationship problems certainly do not get treated the same - women are persistently made out to have an easier time and, imo, are treated pretty disrespectfully when it comes to relationship threads a lot of the time.

Originally Posted by Dragnet

Does it honestly feel non judgemental and safe ? Indeed, should this place be a safe, non judgemental place ? Is it "poster beware, judgements and piss takes ahead", and should the mods make that fact more clear to new members ?

You only have to look at the Basement to see that it is not non-judgemental. Everyone has opinions and they will express them here (in fact many threads are specifically asking for an opinion on a topic). It would be impossible to make this a totally safe and non-judgemental forum. Plus I don't think there are many piss-takes really Dragnet. In threads that are genuinely requesting support I think its pretty rare for someone to be responded to by people taking the piss, and the mods usually respond appropriately. And elsewhere then I think humour is an important part of the forums - for many of us it is the only place where we can have a bit of fun and banter with similar people.

Originally Posted by Dragnet

With everything above, do you feel the rules change depending on who is posting, ie: different rules for a popular poster or a clique ?

Not really, with the possible exception that perhaps people are less likely to criticise or give an opinion on a post made by a mod compared to a non-mod (for obvious reasons, lol). As I've said before, I don't really notice any cliques (and where I have noticed them its been in Lounge or Basement or Meets sections and not in the support room). I'm not sure I really see any differences in the relative popularity of different posters either. Maybe I have my head in the sand though.

[marki]

I think its great that so many people from different backgrounds have differing views.many of us are scared to do it in real world.shldnt come as a surprise that we are not all that good at it sometimes and can piss people off.i cringe at some of the guff I write and im very tame.ive had my eyes opened and my mind changed at times.plus I never stay mad for long at those who annoy me.that being said my own paranoia and low self esteem means I wont say too much

[AxelFendersson]

Originally Posted by CaveGirl

...men use forums more.

Of course. Everyone knows there are no girls on the Internet.

There does need to be a balance between an environment where people feel free to discuss their problems without being attacked or ridiculed, and an environment where people feel free to speak frankly without constantly being afraid of causing offence. On a forum full of socially anxious people, many of whom are quite sensitive, where people are talking about difficult personal matters, that balance is going to be quite difficult to achieve. I think we're as close to having the right balance here as is realistic. I've felt as comfortable posting about my issues here as I would expect to anywhere. I do sometimes have to think about what I am saying and about whether or not it might be taken as offensive, but that's because I don't want to be offensive, rather than because I am afraid of upsetting people, if that makes sense.

As far as humour goes, it is my experience that jokes are a vital and inescapable part of human communication. Especially in Britain, and especially when it comes to sensitive personal matters. We use humour to diffuse the discomfort that comes with discussing this sort of thing. I think that insisting everyone remain completely po-faced all the time is just unrealistic.

[Phool]

I've only been on SAUK a month so only commenting as a newbie.

It took me a while to post my first thread but it was good as I felt a degree of comradery.

Things that make me scared of posting:

Not knowing the age and quite often the gender of poster puts their statements out of context and I don't know where they are coming from.

In my 'real' life I have more male friends than female friends but get on with both well. If I want advice on personal matters I tend to post on 30-81 as I am 36.

As per one of my threads I am scared of confrontation so tend to steer clear of debates that start turning into arguments...don't always manage this as if I feel under attack my natural instinct is to defend.

Just generally worry that I will be misinterpreted or misunderstood.

Can't say I've noticed any cliques. Sometimes the younger ones reference things that I've never heard of...bands, tv progs etc....but then this happens in my 'real' life too.

[Mr Ploppy]

I've seen "all men are bastards" a few times, and it's gone unchallenged and even supported, including by men to a rather disturbing sycophantic extent. Of course I could have challenged it myself but I'm a custard.

"All women are bitches", that would quite rightly go down like a land mine with attacks from male & female.

[Chimpy]

Originally Posted by Cynic

stating that 'men are naturally drawn to x, y and z' and 'women are naturally drawn to a, b and c'

Trouble is Cynic:

a/ these research findings are controversial and contested - I noticed on the other thread someone posted research which contradicts the research you posted. It just feels like confirmation bias - ie you believe men and women are driven by materialism etc and so you post the research which confirms it, not the other studies which don't.

b/ What may be true in general is not true of all - quite often instead of people saying "many" women, or even "most", it just ends up being "women". It's bound to get backs up - as it does when I see "all men are bastards" type comments.

[karl-32]

Originally Posted by Dragnet

I've seen "all men are bastards" a few times.

good point

along with "typical man" " men are such pigs" "men are such liars"

Your right , it does go unchallenged. We just take it on the chin better i think.

EDIT why do i keep posting . noone cares

[Medea]

Originally Posted by Dragnet

I've seen "all men are bastards" a few times, and it's gone unchallenged and even supported, including by men to a rather disturbing sycophantic extent. Of course I could have challenged it myself but I'm a custard.

"All women are bitches", that would quite rightly go down like a land mine with attacks from male & female.

Are you talking about on these boards or on the internet in general? I cannot think of a thread that states all men are bastards (except this one and ones like it, which use that as an example).

I try to contribute to the "women have it easier than men" threads because I know how upsetting they are to some female members, members who don't have the energy or the ability to reply themselves. It annoys me that I have to, but I do, even if it often drives me to tears, it's just something that has to be done. I get fed up of seeing such posts and fed up of trying to explain that women are people and individual and unique, but there we go.

I think there are a lot of people (and I can very occasionally be guilty of this myself) who believe their opinion is fact, not opinion. It is hard when people wont accept there is a difference between opinion and personal observation/experience and fact. For example I know I had a ****ed up childhood and that it was far from normal, but some people have ****ed up childhoods and so believe all/most childhoods are ****ed up.

Anyway, I've dug enough of a hole on this topic so that's my thruppence.

[kastra]

Originally Posted by karl-31

good point

along with "typical man" " men are such pigs" "men are such liars"

Your right , it does go unchallenged. We just take it on the chin better i think.

EDIT why do i keep posting . noone cares

I've not seen much of that to be honest, not in the SA room anyway, and I've never said it myself.

Cynic I've never seen you say 'women are naturally drawn to x, y, z', you state absolutely that no woman is ever interested in any man who does not have a great job, a car, loads of money, loads of mates, loads of confidence etc etc etc and then blindly ignore all the women who chime in saying none of their current or former partners fulfilled all these characteristics.

[Mr Ploppy]

Originally Posted by Medea

Are you talking about on these boards or on the internet in general? I cannot think of a thread that states all men are bastards (except this one and ones like it, which use that as an example).

Really ? I've seen it on several threads, usually when a female member is talking about her relationship(s).

[karl-32]

Originally Posted by halfemptyglass

All we've done is moved the male vs female debate to another thread. And no, I don't feel comfortable posting in these threads, because my opinions will either be ignored or it will turn into an argument.

We are individuals, yet some people assume they know what we are like, simply because of our gender (or age, race...)

And I have never said "all men are bastards".

Edit - I care Karl!

thanks pmsl

Why Why the big gender thing here .

i think its because alot of people on here havnt been in relationships , so both sexes are bitter at each other and think its the fault of "women" or the fault of "men"

i hadnt even kissed a woman until i turned 22 and prior to this i did have an attitude towards women. i blamed them rather than take personal responsibilty for my never having had a girlfriend .

i think this is whats happening here , but to be fair it tends to be the guys doing it!!!

[Medea]

Really. If you can point them out I'll be happy to edit them as they break the rules of this board. It is quite possible I have missed them if they're in the "how are you feeling" threads as I don't tend to read them all.

[kastra]

I just did a search and nobody has used the phrase 'all men are bastards' at least since the 12th August, couldn't be bothered to look any further back

[Medea]

I tried to search the phrase but got a lot of random bastards in there (it wouldn't let me look for the specific phrase).

[Mr Ploppy]

Originally Posted by karl-31

Why Why the big gender thing here .

i think its because alot of people on here havnt been in relationships , so both sexes are bitter at each other and think its the fault of "women" or the fault of "men"

I think my beef is much more with society and media. To be fair males have caused me more actual problems in life than women, but women are certainly catching up now.

[karl-32]

Originally Posted by CaveGirl

I've yet to see someone say "Men are cush pigds" on here?
I've called my ex a name on here or a fool who argued with me but making such blanket statements about ALL men is something I honestly haven't seen.
I mostly talk to men on here via PM/email and can cope with the fact that most men are just like most women.

i wasnt really reffering specifically to this board cavegirl . Just a general observation of afew choice comments that iv heard women say about men , in life .

i have seen generlisations about men here though. its not all one sided . i just think women bring it to attention more whereas guys let it go

[Mr Ploppy]

Originally Posted by Medea

I tried to search the phrase but got a lot of random bastards in there

well, quite.

Remember people do delete posts, so a few may have gone.

[girlinterrupted]

I feel as comfortable discussing things here as I do anywhere,pretty much the same rules apply - things I wouldn`t discuss in person I don`t post about on here.
Are some people tactless,yes,but isn`t everyone sometimes? Is this place non-judgemental,no,but why on earth would it be? I think everyone makes tiny little judgements about others all the time (in life I mean,not just specifically online or here) most of which are subconscious. It`d be impossible for a forum to be non-judgemental because people aren`t. I`ve never understood why some people expect an online forum to be some kind of blissed out nirvana,free from any of the judgements or misbehaviour of "real life" because the posters are real people with as much baggage and good or bad traits as anywhere else. In fact if it was to somehow be a happy Utopia with nothing bad or negative or scary I think it would do more harm than good,shielding people from reality isn`t going to help them,being supportive (as I think this place generally is) while they learn to cope with reality is far more valuable,to me anyway.

Oh and P.S. I don`t remember seeing many or even any "piss-take" type replies to serious cry for help type threads. In fact the opposite,I`ve always thought it was about the most supportive place I`ve ever come across on the internet (or am likely to).

[Phool]

Originally Posted by karl-31

thanks pmsl

Why Why the big gender thing here .

i think its because alot of people on here havnt been in relationships , so both sexes are bitter at each other and think its the fault of "women" or the fault of "men"

i hadnt even kissed a woman until i turned 22 and prior to this i did have an attitude towards women. i blamed them rather than take personal responsibilty for my never having had a girlfriend .

i think this is whats happening here , but to be fair it tends to be the guys doing it!!!

Ah thats interesting and explains a lot. TY.

I've had relationships since age 17 and had male and female friends over the years and so don't really understand where the sweeping generalisations come from.

[AxelFendersson]

Originally Posted by karl-31

I have seen generalisations about men here though.

This is just my perception and I haven't gone through carefully to check, but I think that a lot of the people who make sweeping generalisations about men make sweeping generalisations about women as well. So they don't come across as misandristic so much as just prone to making generalisations.

Originally Posted by halfemptyglass

It seems to get noticed you have to say something controversial.

That's hard to avoid. Say something people disagree with, and they'll feel the need to argue. Say something most people agree with and they just quietly nod to themselves.

[karl-32]

Originally Posted by halfemptyglass

I will probably be ignored again, but hey...

Several people (including myself) posted very reasonable answers to the OP. We were completely ignored, as once again the thread descends into argument over quite a petty thing imo. You complain about people being judgemental and not feeling comfortable about posting, but when people are actually sympathetic they are completely ignored.

It seems to get noticed you have to say something controversial.

fantastic post . i agree with every word

[girlinterrupted]

Originally Posted by AxelFendersson

Say something people disagree with, and they'll feel the need to argue. Say something most people agree with and they just quietly nod to themselves.

Yup,that about sums me up

[Mr Ploppy]

Do you mean as the OP I didn't acknowledge your post halfemptyglass ?
I read yours and all of them with interest, but every post isn't always aknowledged, it's just the way of forums.
Unless I've started a thread hardly any of my posts get an answer.

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by halfemptyglass

It seems to get noticed you have to say something controversial.

I noticed this a long time ago,
when arguing basement type threads I admit sometimes i do lay it on a bit thick, perhaps thicker than i would ideally prefer. but i find if you do that there's less chance of being ignored..

[Dandelion10]

I feel uncomfortable posting a new thread but not answering one although I do sometimes re-visit a thread I posted in to see if anyone agrees.