Social media is making me feel bad again...

[roro_1990]

Social media has caused another severe downturn in my mood. I can't afford therapy right now so I've nobody else to talk to about this so please excuse me for writing it out here.

People often suggest to stop using social media if it makes you feel bad but I feel like that's a form of reality denial. The pictures I'm seeing are of people who have good social lives and who have made an actual difference in the world by virtue of having a social life (ie people care about them enough to invite them out to do things).

The latest trigger was a picture of a guy I'd met before once or twice. We share a common interest and we met for a beer while I was travelling alone in Vietnam. He uploaded a picture of him with about 10 other people out eating dinner celebrating his birthday. He still lives in Vietnam because he teaches there.

On my last birthday, which was my 30th, I had 4 happy birthday messages and could never have dreamed of having that many people out to celebrate it with me (I went for a pretty average meal at a local restaurant with my missus). As a 30-year-old, the chances of that type of big group social occasion filled with people who care about me happening are slim to none.

He seemed a fairly similar chap to me when I met him; down to earth, nice, but quiet and introverted. However, the reality is that he's far more popular than me. This picture is one of many he regularly uploads of him out with groups, whether having beers or going for a meal. And when he comments in a group we're both a part of, he often talks about how great his social life is in Vietnam.

It probably sounds silly but it hurts my self-esteem because I'm left wondering what I lack to have the social life he does if we're not vastly different personalities. It's not like he's way more charismatic or outgoing than me; we are very similar.

[Moksha]

A bad attack of 'comparisonitis' roro! It's a ****ing nightmare, especially when you have SA. My advice isn't going to surprise you – stay the hell away from social media. That's not 'reality denial'. Social media isn't real. It's an idealised version of people's lives. For all you know he had a dreadful evening. Maybe he had a row with his partner because she spent all night flirting with one of his friends. And who said they ARE his friends? Maybe they are the friends of friends – people who tagged along for free food and drink. Maybe he spent the evening making awkward conversation with people he didn't like or want there. "A big group social occasion filled with people who care about me"...come on roro, be realistic! How many people have joyous birthdays in a room filled with people who love and care about them?!! Maybe I'm being cynical, but I'd say they are a small minority. A lot of people don't even like half their friends (or family). Every group of humans is a simmering pot of resentment, jealousy, and spite, with fragile egos battling for dominance and affirmation. If you took an average person, lined up the twenty humans closest to him (all his friends, siblings, neighbours, work colleagues, etc), then made him tell you his honest opinion of each one, you'd be shocked by the response. Out of those twenty, he probably only likes and trusts five – if that.

[Veni Vidi Vado]

Has Social media ever made you feel 'good'? Because if the answer is 'no' or even 'rarely', then you have to at least consider getting rid, As Moksha noted Facebook is anything but reality, so if your only reason for continuing with it is because you think to not do so is 'reality denial' than you be confident this isn't the case.
I've not had a FB account in years , It always felt like pressing my nose against the glass of other peoples great lives, it just triggered me and made me miserable while giving me nothing positive back. I have never once missed it.

[Tembo]

It doesn’t sound silly roro. I understand how you feel, and I’m sure many others do as well. Social media distorts reality, and frankly it is damaging our society. Of course, we should always try not to compare ourselves to others, and I myself seem to get a bit jealous sometimes. However, I feel Facebook is designed to get people to compare their lives - it makes it addictive. When you read in detail about the Facebook company, it is creepy AF.

Social media can be positive though. Hopefully the more toxic side of social media will calm down as the world gets used to it. It is relatively new after all. I have an anonymous account on Twitter and use it to talk about travelling, history, architecture and so on. I have found lovely communities on there, which shows it can be positive if used in the right way.

I’m tempted to delete Facebook permanently, and I regularly ‘deactivate it’ (I have for this Valentines weekend for example). The trouble is, I’m now on various groups on there which I find very interesting. Many online forums are dying as Facebook groups take over, which is a bit annoying. I much prefer the format of online forums rather than Facebook groups.

[roro_1990]

Originally Posted by Moksha

A bad attack of 'comparisonitis' roro! It's a ****ing nightmare, especially when you have SA. My advice isn't going to surprise you – stay the hell away from social media. That's not 'reality denial'. Social media isn't real. It's an idealised version of people's lives. For all you know he had a dreadful evening. Maybe he had a row with his partner because she spent all night flirting with one of his friends. And who said they ARE his friends? Maybe they are the friends of friends – people who tagged along for free food and drink. Maybe he spent the evening making awkward conversation with people he didn't like or want there...

Thanks for your reply. You raised some very valid points that would probably be credible to anyone with a rational thought process. You're right; it possibly could've been a case of people tagging along for a meal and booze. Or maybe it wasn't as fun of a night as that one snapshot pic makes it out to have been.

I wish I could use your more rational-based thought process to not only ask similar questions that you did but also believe those possibilities. My mind thinks in very black and white ways, and in this case it's, "looks like this similar guy to me is out there killing it while I'm a loner...waht's wrong with me?" I do appreciate your points though and for people like me who can't think rationally, it's probably a good idea to just get rid.

[roro_1990]

Originally Posted by Aleks

It doesn’t sound silly roro. I understand how you feel, and I’m sure many others do as well. Social media distorts reality, and frankly it is damaging our society. Of course, we should always try not to compare ourselves to others, and I myself seem to get a bit jealous sometimes. However, I feel Facebook is designed to get people to compare their lives - it makes it addictive. When you read in detail about the Facebook company, it is creepy AF.

Social media can be positive though. Hopefully the more toxic side of social media will calm down as the world gets used to it. It is relatively new after all. I have an anonymous account on Twitter and use it to talk about travelling, history, architecture and so on. I have found lovely communities on there, which shows it can be positive if used in the right way.

I’m tempted to delete Facebook permanently, and I regularly ‘deactivate it’ (I have for this Valentines weekend for example). The trouble is, I’m now on various groups on there which I find very interesting. Many online forums are dying as Facebook groups take over, which is a bit annoying. I much prefer the format of online forums rather than Facebook groups.

Thanks for your reply. Like you, I've no doubt there can be positive aspects from social media. Unfortunately, I lack the rational thought process to properly parse what I see on there and I jump to this black and white thinking where I'm like, ****, everyone seems so sociable and normal.

I've deactivated Facebook several times aswell similar to you but I always go back and I've no idea why. I guess it provides some sort of illusory sense of connection. Really though it's quite creepy of me to go on facebook and spy on what other people I don't interact with are doing in their lives. I think permanently deleting it might be the solution. A better solution would be to have a complete transplant in my thought process but sadly science isn't that advanced yet.

[roro_1990]

Originally Posted by Veni Vidi Vado

Has Social media ever made you feel 'good'? Because if the answer is 'no' or even 'rarely', then you have to at least consider getting rid, As Moksha noted Facebook is anything but reality, so if your only reason for continuing with it is because you think to not do so is 'reality denial' than you be confident this isn't the case.
I've not had a FB account in years , It always felt like pressing my nose against the glass of other peoples great lives, it just triggered me and made me miserable while giving me nothing positive back. I have never once missed it.

Honestly the answer to your question is a resounding no. But social media has made me feel an illusory sense of connection and I think that's why I keep coming back. Unless there's some other weird force at play like a self-sabotaging desire to hurt my feelings and prove once again how inadequate I am.

[Veni Vidi Vado]

I still have a Twitter account -in a false name I rarely use it and I just I follow a few people who I find interesting and i have an IG account-I follow a few artists or other interesting content as well as a few close family members. So I'm not totally anti social media I just think FB in particular has the potential to be toxic, and the reasons you mentioned are only some of the unhealthy aspects.

[Aelwyn]

I agree with comments above about all those people very likely not being great friends, and I think it's well known that people like to give the impression on social media that everything in their life is wonderful.

Four birthday messages and a meal out with your wife doesn't sound at all bad to me! Perhaps you would have been perfectly happy with that if you hadn't started comparing your life with your friend's.

I worked abroad for a couple of years and had a much better social life then than I do now. I think ex-pats abroad tend to congregate together.

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by roro_1990

As a 30-year-old, the chances of that type of big group social occasion filled with people who care about me happening are slim to none.

I think you are overestimating other people's lives. Most people couldn't fill a room with friends and family who really care about them. Even the tightest friend group is full of jealousy, resentment and loathing. So many people have 'toxic' friends, who are all smiles and kisses on the surface, but deep down totally selfish and narcissistic. The average person is lucky to have one or two friends who truly love them and remain loyal throughout their life. In fact, you're lucky to get even one friend like that.

Truth is, our self-esteem hinges on how we compare to others. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. When they succeed, we feel diminished and belittled. I want to laugh out loud when people post their kid's GCSE results on Facebook. Good news everyone – Jake got 10 A stars and is all set for Oxford! Good news?!! **** you. NO ONE wants to hear that. The good news would be that Jake had failed his exams and signed on at the job centre. And that's not because people are cruel or sadistic. It just makes them feel better about their own sh*tty lives – their lazy kids, failing marriage, debt problems, overpriced rabbit hutch home, etc. I'm not saying everyone is bitter and jealous, but human beings are often damaged, frightened and insecure. And they carry that into their relationships. ANY room of 'friends' is full of buried resentment, jealousy and dislike.

As Aelwyn points out, those people were ex-pats/travellers. People tend to be different when they are abroad. They loosen up and bond. But that's because they are temporarily free of the things that define them – their job, house, car, kids, etc. In other words, their self-esteem isn't at stake. Backpacking around Vietnam 'ain't real life. It's a break from real life. You put those same people together in a room in the UK, where they are competing for work, money, property, status, etc, and there would be a lot more tension.

[Sunrise]

My social life is terrible. I think I spent my last birthday alone with only a bottle of Happy Shopper Whiskey to keep me company before passing out in a pool of my own tears. Seriously, my social life is as pathetic as you can get. However on Facebook there are photos of me seemingly having a good time with various groups of people. Some could look at them and assume I have a great social life, but the reality is these are a rare occurrence and the people I'm normally with are workmates who don't particularly like me, or friends of friends who I don't even know. And even if I look like I'm enjoying myself, chances are it's down to the unhealthy quantity of the aforementioned cheap corner shop piss I've been imbibing and I'm actually not really enjoying it at all .

Social media isn't the real world. You don't read about anyone descaling the kettle on Facebook. Nobody posts a picture of their mysterious rash that's just appeared on Instagram. You don't go on Twitter to tell the world about the dog shit you stepped in earlier and the 20 minutes you just spent attempting to clean it off your £9.99 Sports Direct bargain bin trainers that you only bought a few days ago. I mean, they're pretty much brand new but now you've got to keep them permanently in the porch because that smell is unreal. That's the real world.

Backpacking round the Andes isn't every day life. For most people the real world consists of not having enough change for the bus, Findus Crispy Pancakes for tea, and an underlying sense of existential dread.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Orwell20

People tend to be different when they are abroad. They loosen up and bond. But that's because they are temporarily free of the things that define them – their job, house, car, kids, etc.

Agreed. I've lived abroad in several countries and I've never felt more liberated and free and able to be more "myself" when I did so. It's like I was unshackled from lots of these innate assumptions and trappings of "success" and could just be me. Plus you could ditch the past and have a new start / reinvent yourself.

[Tonkin]

Good points about people living abroad.

The other people who are also living abroad are probably low on mates and things to do so it's easy to get 10 people to come out for a meal.

I assume they weren't locals at his birthday meal?

Comparing yourself to people on social media is a fool's errand.

I've been at gatherings and seen someone there looking miserable, then looked at social media the next day and they've posted pictures of the gathering with captions like "having an amazing time" etc when in reality they clearly weren't.

Also, don't feel bad for keep reactivating your account.

The system was designed by smarter people than you (no offence) to keep you coming back for more and thinking like you're missing out on something for not being on there.

[snoo]

TBH I used to be a sucker for social media when it came out. If you wanted to have social proofing by having your picture taking on big nights out, this isn't too difficult if that's what you really want. It doesn't make you any happier though. That was me. I was adding loads of people that I barely knew, just so that I could have more 'friends' than others. I got jealous when I saw someone with like 800 friends, assumed they had a great social life.

I don't use it at all nowadays. As I got to 40 all that Facebook became for me was people posting pictures of their babies.

[AnxiousExtrovert]

I think social media is great for lots of reasons. But nearly every post I have read on here I agree with.

I dont use much anymore but thats because the cons outweigh the pros for me right now.

If its being used as a way to gloat or compare yourself to others its extremely toxic I think and unfortunately a lot of people are like that. As tonkin put about someone looking miserable but the selective photo on social media with the tag "having a great time" is very typical. Although social media has really exaggerated this type of behaviour. The phrase keeping up with the jones's was around way before social media was ever around.