Consolation prize

[Crabbywitch]

Have you ever been in a relationship where you think that your partner is only with you because they do not think that they can do any better? I have been, and it hurts. But if you do not have much going for you, what else can you do? Be satisfied with being single forever? Perhaps some of us will only ever be a consolation prize and not the real thing.

[HardRockGlamour]

I often feel this way about my current BF because when I met him on that site, he said 'all the other girls are uninterested ....' and that kind of thing sticks with me unfortunetely, I was just the girl that was nice. But then, I remember that we're best friends and I feel bad for thinking such things But a lot has happened in our relationship that still burns me now, and makes me think things. I guess I've never been in a relationship that's for sure because they cannot do better, but I've felt the hurt of the possibility.

If I'm making any sense.

[Crabbywitch]

Originally Posted by HardRockGlamour

I often feel this way about my current BF because when I met him on that site, he said 'all the other girls are uninterested ....' and that kind of thing sticks with me unfortunetely, I was just the girl that was nice. But then, I remember that we're best friends and I feel bad for thinking such things But a lot has happened in our relationship that still burns me now, and makes me think things. I guess I've never been in a relationship that's for sure because they cannot do better, but I've felt the hurt of the possibility.

If I'm making any sense.

Yes, that makes sense. And I relate to the bit about not knowing for sure. But I could not and would not want to ask him. It is not like he would ever tell me anyway. Although I have been with someone a long time ago who pretty much did tell me so. I think that it is becoming a pattern in my life to have one-sided relationships. It would be nice if one day I could be special to someone. But time is ticking over and all the time my looks are getting worse, so I do not think that it will ever happen. I am not sure whether to put up with being a consolation prize or to decide to be single for the rest of my life.

[gingercat]

I've had a lot of trouble lately shaking off this feeling. I never had any luck with dating at all til I was over 25 and now when women seem interested I have real trouble not thinking "so how come no-one liked me when I was younger? they must just believe they can't do any better than me now" . I know there are other possible explanations, like more mature people are more likely to value what I have to offer, or simply that I hid away and didn't show anyone what I had to offer before... but it's so easy to fall back into believing the worst when I'm feeling low.

It doesn't help that I'm constantly having it rammed down my throat that men have to be masculine and confident (which I'm definitely not) or no-one will be interested. When people do seem interested I'm left wondering what their motivations are.

[Toxic]

mm i was with my ex for 6 years and thought that the entire time

she had a lot of problems..and im wondering if i was just with her because it made her feel better in comparison to my crap..im sure she could have had anyone she wanted but things were stopping her...

i also think if anyone gets with me its probably out of pity not because they actually like me...hmm

[kastra]

Definitely with my ex, although I don't think I really realised it until afterwards. He was such a twat and I wish I hadn't given him so many years

[nessa456]

I think it happens in many relationships that one partner is keener than the other. It depends what you are getting out of the relationship. I think you have to be honest with yourself and assess what you are offering and how many other potential offers your partner has. I feel my partner is above me in looks but this feels like an achievement to me ie he's a 'catch'. I think if a partner isn't happy they'll look elsewhere and if they ever said "I could do better than you" I'd say, "Off you go then!".

Keeping a partner is about far more than looks and it's a mistake to think it's just the people with the looks who have all the power. In my opinion they are slightly at a disadvantage as they are having to compete with every other pretty girl -and there's plenty of them and always someone more attractive.

If your appeal is more personality and intelligence-based though you don't have nearly as much to fear from getting older.

People in looks-based relationships are at severe risk of being traded in for a younger model when/if they lose their looks. It happens all the time to both men and women.

No one should be made to feel like the 'consolation prize' and if you are it's a sign you're with the wrong person.

[Rachel87]

When I first got together with my boyfriend he wasn't over his ex and he used to talk about her all the time and even tried to get me to dye my hair the same colour as hers and wear the same style of clothes as her. This really affected me, and five years on I'm still jealous of her and can't help feeling like he's only with me because he can't have her.

[Kitri]

I'm sorry you feel that way, crabbywitch. I've never felt much like a consolation prize myself, more like a defect shelf warmer (take home, test and return if you don't like it). I guess it always hurts when two people don't feel about each other in the same intensity. I don't know which is worse to be honest, being lonely, settle with someone or being the one to be settled with.

[kastra]

Originally Posted by Cynic

The truth often isn't very nice.

ugh, fair enough if you want to use those crazy beliefs to bring yourself down but it's not very nice to do it to other people too.

that statement is as true as saying all men only want blonde big boobed bimbos for partners

[HelloWorld]

Well this is a depressing thread. So you seriously all feel that some people have more value than others? Do you assign a points value to each of their attributes and weigh the whole thing up?

[nessa456]

He's got Asperger's Syndrome though - that's what we do!

The world would be a lot better without all the vagueness and ambiguity in my opinion - people might know what they were doing then.

[kastra]

Asperger's doesn't mean you cannot learn though, and to be honest those kind of incredibly negative long term beliefs are more indicative of depression (which can easily be co-morbid with ASDs)

[nessa456]

Originally Posted by kastra

Asperger's doesn't mean you cannot learn though, and to be honest those kind of incredibly negative long term beliefs are more indicative of depression (which can easily be co-morbid with ASDs)

We can learn up to a point in my opinion. I'm 45 and I still haven't mastered how to not lose my rag when stress builds up too much so I'd say it varies greatly from person to person. To compare a person who masters everything with a person who hasn't got the executive function to achieve it is very unfair in my opinion. It's like saying to a blind person "You've got eyes, why can't you see". I've got a brain but it is not nearly as functional as people often expect it to be.

Cynic and myself have a cynical, often pessimistic mindset - that's just how some people are made. We are all tuned to varying frequencies. To expect a pessimist to suddenly become optimistic is unrealistic. I'm on anti-depressants already and I'm still pessimistic and cynical but not particuarly unhappy.

The novel '1984' by George Orwell is very depressing but it's a masterpiece - do you think he should have been put on anti-depressants or that it should be banned for being too depressing? Pessimism is as much a fact of life as optimism - most of us are biased more towards one than the other.

I go further than pessimism - I'm positively misanthropic!

[Mr. Spaceman]

It would be nice to be any sort of prize, I think women see me as the wooden spoon!

[pinkwafer]

My partner (girlfriend, whatever), in the start of the relationship, described me as her 'last chance of finding love'.


I'm sure she didn't mean it in a bad way, but you can imagine how many times I played that over thinking oh my God

[slrrrrp]

Originally Posted by halfemptyglass

I agree Cynic - you speak in absolutes and the blacks of black and whites, which most of the time you cannot do that (see, I even avoided doing it there just to prove the point )

Not in the clause of that sentence after the hyphen, tho!

[HardRockGlamour]

Originally Posted by becky1789

My partner (girlfriend, whatever), in the start of the relationship, described me as her 'last chance of finding love'.


I'm sure she didn't mean it in a bad way, but you can imagine how many times I played that over thinking oh my God

Hmm! Maybe she meant, everybody just wants sex but you, you loving wonderful thing you?

My BF called me his 'back up girl' once, I've never known what he meant but it sounds pretty shitty.

[AutumnLeaves]

Iv been there myself, crabbywitch I don't know what the answer is, but I don't think it's a good idea to be with someone who isn't that fussed about you. It's about having self-respect, isn't it?

[talk.09]

Originally Posted by nessa456

We can learn up to a point in my opinion. I'm 45 and I still haven't mastered how to not lose my rag when stress builds up too much so I'd say it varies greatly from person to person. To compare a person who masters everything with a person who hasn't got the executive function to achieve it is very unfair in my opinion. It's like saying to a blind person "You've got eyes, why can't you see". I've got a brain but it is not nearly as functional as people often expect it to be.

Cynic and myself have a cynical, often pessimistic mindset - that's just how some people are made. We are all tuned to varying frequencies. To expect a pessimist to suddenly become optimistic is unrealistic. I'm on anti-depressants already and I'm still pessimistic and cynical but not particuarly unhappy.

The novel '1984' by George Orwell is very depressing but it's a masterpiece - do you think he should have been put on anti-depressants or that it should be banned for being too depressing? Pessimism is as much a fact of life as optimism - most of us are biased more towards one than the other.

I go further than pessimism - I'm positively misanthropic!

Well said Nessa - raised good points.

I think Cynic is simply very realistic about his unpopularity; some people just are, for some reason.

[Libbyjay]

Oh I am definitely the consolation price right now.
At least until he sees someone else he like and they say yes to him!