Self harm?

[Hafpipe]

Hi guys,

I was wondering if anyone else out there self harmed when they feel down?

I must admit that it's something I feel ashamed about, but it's something I find hard to stop doing. I think it comes from a feeling of self loathing and frustration at not being able to do anything to get myself out of this situation.

The bad thing is that I know I'm scarring myself and that I'll need to make up stories in order to explain why I have these marks. Maybe a tattoo or two to cover them up when I feel better????

[wjfox]

I will never understand how people can do this to themselves. Even when I've been at my absolute lowest, I've never felt the need to physically harm myself in this way. I can empathise with many aspects of social anxiety, but self-harming isn't one of them. Sorry to sound unsympathetic - I just can't get my head around it.

[RattyLady]

Yes - I did it for years and still not completely left it behind. I understand how for a lot of people it is a type of coping mechanism but that others can't conceive of such a thing.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Yes, I self-harmed for many years. I don't feel ashamed of it though. It is/was a coping strategy that helped me through some incredibly dark times indeed.

Many people can't get their heads around it, even those in the caring professions. That's why there are so many workshops out there to educate people in such jobs so they understand what self-harm is, and also to dispell many of the myths around the subject.

A lot of people think it's attention seeking, but in reality most people who do it tend to hide it. Others think there is suicidal intent, but the reality is that this is not the case in the vast majority of instances. It's more to do with trying to survive than it is about trying to die. It's a way of coping. Feeling when you feel numb. Letting out the emotional pain. Taking control in a life that feels out of control. There are many reasons.

Self-harm in itself isn't the problem. What drives self-harm is the real problem. Address that successfully and the need to cope in this way can fade away. In your case it looks like the real issues are the frustration at being trapped in your current situation, and the self-loathing that results.

[xTKsaucex]

I wouldn't go as far as self harm. I can develop Pyschomotor agitation http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychomotor_agitation a result of Hypomania from type II Bi Polar, whereby you have an excess of energy and tend to figit which has resulted in me picking at scabs excessively. I've been able to partially focus this energy into stress balls or just running relentlessly until the energy passes but its hard when in this state as you only need 4/5 hours of sleep before being re energised again.

[Shanti]

Yes I have self harmed on and off since the age of 20, although I went through a short phase of self harm when I was 15. What seems to trigger me is alcohol-almost every time I've self harmed I've been drunk. But obviously the trigger for me to drink is probably the real trigger for the self harm; I have thoughts of self harming when I feel bad, but the alcohol kind of takes the brakes off and I act on the feelings to cut myself. I also have quite a lot of visible scarring on my arms and legs now, including some bright red keloid scars (raised from the skin) which is pretty upsetting and I dread the summer as I feel too self conscious to wear t-shirts and end up sweltering under long sleeved tops. Tbh, I don't really mind the scars but it's other peoples reactions- fear, shock, even anger- that puts me off showing them in public. I hate the stigma surrounding it, I am considering getting some sleeve tattoos done to cover them up.

[diplodocus]

Can I ask, since I don't really know much about the subject, but do you get some sort of buzz when you cut? Like endorphins or anything like that?

[Shanti]

Originally Posted by diplodocus

Can I ask, since I don't really know much about the subject, but do you get some sort of buzz when you cut? Like endorphins or anything like that?

I find if I'm feeling really angry and frustrated with myself (which is usually a trigger to cut/drink) then after I self harm I feel immediately relaxed and calm, like all the tension and anger slips away and I can finally rest. So it seems to soothe the feelings of hate I feel for myself, I'm guessing because of the endorphins, and I can calm down and think clearly

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by diplodocus

Can I ask, since I don't really know much about the subject, but do you get some sort of buzz when you cut? Like endorphins or anything like that?

There is said to be an endorphin release, but personally, I get no buzz. For me it was always about regaining control, releasing emotional pain, releasing stress.

[Colin80]

Do NOT like! I can understand being depressed and self loathing, I can even understand suicidal thoughts but inflicting pain on yourself and mutilating yourself is something I can't comprehend. I can't imagine me ever doing it to myself, it just seems so counterproductive and pointless. I don't even want to try to understand it, it scares me and makes me very uncomfortable discussing it.

[Golz]

Have thought about it, but never had the guts or whatever I lack to do so. Maybe that's a good thing dunno.

[HardRockGlamour]

Yes I do, not often though, every few months.

[gingercat]

I have done but thankfully not for a while. Unfortunately my ex discovered she could make me hurt myself if she provoked me in just the right way and took advantage of it whenever she wanted to. Still, I'd far rather be the sort of person who physically attacks myself under extreme provocation than the sort who attacks someone else.

[Crabbywitch]

Originally Posted by gingercat

Unfortunately my ex discovered she could make me hurt myself if she provoked me in just the right way and took advantage of it whenever she wanted to.

That's dreadful!

[softlyspoken2]

I wonder sometimes if the binge eating I used to do was a form of self harm in some way. I have never cut myself or anything but I think I can relate to it as I know I used to eat until I was physically in pain and then eat more.

[kastra]

I don't really want to go into my personal details on this topic, but thought it'd be useful for people to know that you can actually get camouflage make-up for scarring on the NHS. You have a consultation to make sure you get the right shade and then they just issue a prescription for it, once it's applied it stays in place all day and I think it's waterproof - I'm definitely filling my script before holiday.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by softlyspoken2

I wonder sometimes if the binge eating I used to do was a form of self harm in some way. I have never cut myself or anything but I think I can relate to it as I know I used to eat until I was physically in pain and then eat more.

Correct. Binge eating is just one of many self-harming coping strategies.

In theory, self-harm can refer to any non-accidental behaviour which causes harm to the self, be that physical or emotional. Common forms are the abuse of alcohol, smoking, drugs, food. These things are often used as coping strategies.

In practice, when most people use the term 'self-harm' they are not referring to this very wide group of behaviours. They are referring to a narrower range of behaviours which are perhaps more accurately described as self-injury. This term describes non-accidental behaviour which causes immediate, tangible, physical injury to the body, without suicidal intent. I think people are familiar with those types of actions, so I won't list them here.

Anyway, binge eating can come under the 'self-harm' term.

The above is paraphrased from a booklet from a Working With Self-Harm workshop.

[moneysaver]

Up until fairly recently self harming was a completely alien concept to me, as in I couldn't conceive why anyone would do that.

However since suffering from an intense self loathing I can begin to understand how that could lead to self harming. I still couldn't imagine myself doing that but I know I have other coping strategies, such as food.

[LotusSpirit]

Originally Posted by halfemptyglass

I used to do it when I was a teenager. It was easier to cope with physical pain than emotional pain, and it calmed me down when I was really upset. It almost became something I looked forward to, because it was like letting out all of my emotions.

I absolutely understand and agree with this,- something I did intermittently as a teenager,escape/release and lots of blood, it's over now praise the Lord

[nessa456]

When I feel down I sometimes go to bed without brushing my teeth and washing my face - that feels like a form of self-neglect to get back at myself. Not in the same league as things like cutting obviously.

Generally though, if I'm not going through an episode of suicidal depression I have quite a good sense of self-preservation. I don't like pain so I wouldn't see the logic in hurting myself.

Saying that, when I gave blood I did experience the warm, calming feeling that people talk about getting from blood-letting. I think donating blood is the only way people should go about it though.

[Spectrelight]

Originally Posted by Benfica

There is said to be an endorphin release, but personally, I get no buzz. For me it was always about regaining control, releasing emotional pain, releasing stress.

That's what it was like for me as well. I was kind of numb to any pain though.

[nessa456]

Originally Posted by halfemptyglass

I passed out during it, and had a team of nurses rush over to wake me up, when I just wanted to sleep! Definitely recommend the free biscuits after!

Both times I've given blood they've given me orange squash and biscuits and I've felt cheated - it should be a cup of tea and biscuits - that's the tradition!

I thought perhaps you needed to look older before you progress up to the tea?

What I didn't like at all was the small needle device they jab into your finger to take the initial blood sample for testing. The nurse who did that the last time I went was very offhand and really stabbed it in! I felt she was in the wrong job and spent the whole donating session resenting her and thinking "Why do I bother trying to do good works when I have to come up against people like her!?" Gallons of my blood have been lost to the transfusion service because of that nurse's attitude!

[pinkwafer]

Yes... but not in a few months.


If I could watch myself how I get when that low, I'd say that girl needs locking up. It was a quicker solution to stop my crying.

[pinkwafer]

Originally Posted by nessa456

Both times I've given blood they've given me orange squash and biscuits and I've felt cheated - it should be a cup of tea and biscuits - that's the tradition!

I thought perhaps you needed to look older before you progress up to the tea?

What I didn't like at all was the small needle device they jab into your finger to take the initial blood sample for testing. The nurse who did that the last time I went was very offhand and really stabbed it in! I felt she was in the wrong job and spent the whole donating session resenting her and thinking "Why do I bother trying to do good works when I have to come up against people like her!?" Gallons of my blood have been lost to the transfusion service because of that nurse's attitude!

On giving blood - I like giving blood. It makes me feel less like a useless piece of shit.

[Hafpipe]

Thanks guys for your replies.

I know it's a delicate subject to talk about, but it helps knowing there are others who have been through this.

Thank you.