**IGNORE**

[runningaway]

DO NOT READ.

I'm posting this here because I just want to write. I'm scared that I'll end up emailing one of my friends saying any of this, and they might write back, in maybe like 2 3 or 4 days, and they'll say they hope I'm okay, and their there to help, listen, or support. Yet no one's here. No one rings. No one texts. No one really appears to actually care. So I'm sorry. Admins, delete this post.

I have had the worst week ever I don't even know how I managed to get through it to be honest. I went for an "assessment" for CBT, I didn't feel too bad before I went in, then I came out and felt awful. He said I'd be better seeing a psychologist instead, and in his own words said "They'd have a field day with me". That sounded like a brilliant prospect, let alone not knowing what to expect. He asked, "what do I want out of this?" ...and I said I didn't know. I don't know what, how or even if they, or anyone else can help, and right now I simply don't know what I want anymore. Then I came out, and thought how I sounded so pathetic and useless. I hated hearing myself talk about things, and when he said things like "don't beat yourself up" or "you're talented, do something with it" I wish it was that simple, and so easy.

I've spent the rest of the week asleep, only awake at night, because I can't deal being in such a crowded place like town center. I see everyone else, I feel judged, weak, worthless, and I hate it. I decided to try again to look for a job, but everytime I try, I feel bombarded and stressed. I want to really be able to try... but everytime I do, all I think of is... "why?"

I keep endlessly thinking that I'll always be on my own. I've been on my own my whole life, and due to certain "experiences" shall we say, the idea of being on my own 24/7, for the rest of my life, is really horrible. I tried applying for university, but like everything in my life, I left it too late, and failed.

I have no money, and yet, it's no different than when I had "too" much money. I had a very good paid job, which I left because of social anxiety, which of course I'd never admit to anyone, because it sounds so weak (no offence to anyone here, that's just my own thinking, and my own way of destroying myself a little more)

I honestly feel like living out on the street. Why not? Every day that goes by, it just seems a better option. All I do here, is eat minimal, abuse pills just to feel a little happiness, and sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep.

I'm so mad at myself, because I know people judge me, but I know myself I'm a bright, intelligent and creative person, but I feel like all my social "failings" have just destroyed me.

I even tried ringing the job center, and asking if anyone could help me try to find a job, but was told they'd only help if I claimed benefits. I didn't want to do that, but agreed just for the sake of getting help looking for a job. If I had another job, even part time minimal hours, at least it would be a start. But everything's online, I'm at my friends house writing this, because I can't afford the internet in my tiny prison cell of a flat. So I tried claiming benefits, and they asked a million questions, and I just didn't know the answer. My parents have done everything for me, and as grateful as I am to them, I'm now stuck here, alone, in the outside world, without knowing something as how much my mortgage is a month, if I pay council tax or whatever.

I feel like a child. Literally. I need someone to talk my hand, and help me. Not doing everything for me, but just help me... but no one will. My so-called friends are nothing but "facebook" friends. I don't even know my mobile number because I never use it, because no one ever texts me. No one rings me. No one knocks at the door to say hi. No one's interested in me, where I am, what I do. I mean nothing to no one.

I just don't know why I bother to keep on going anymore. I don't feel like a failure, I don't feel worthless, and useless. I AM those things. I always have been. And more than anything, I am insanely alone and isolated.

I hate how self centered this all is. Giving serious though to living on the street.

[pew77]

life can be cruel and hard but you are not alone. the courage it has taken you to write all this down and post is admirable. well done you are in my thoughts

[Reclue]

Sorry I read it.

Your at a low point, I've been there and I know it's hard to see anyway for things to change.

But nothing you talk about is unsurmountable, just focus on one task at a time - I know it will be hard but it can be done.

On the money stuff, mortgage and council tax, you can get help from places like CAB on managing your finances.

Try and sort out your sleep pattern, sleeping during the day and being up at night only increases feelings of isolation and contibute to depression.

You may need some anti depression medicine from you doctor to get you through this period.

DO NOT go and live on the steets, trust me I have slept rough. It will only add to your problems.

The people you meet on the streets are people with addiction problems and severe mental health problems.

Add to that the people looking to exploit people on the street for their own perverse pleasure.

Trust me - it is not where you need to be right now, as bad as you "prison cell" might be, it is a far safer place.

Don't worry about being self centrered, your not, your just needing help - everyone needs some help from time to time.

There are people on here who have gone through the same as you and come out the other side, don't give up, you can do it too.

[I Love My Cats]

Sorry I read it too

I dunno how you feel after writing all of that down? Sometimes it helps just to have someone/somewhere to vent all of that built-up frustration. It can help to actually make sense of what's wrong and what needs to happen to start changing things. If you spend too long on your own it just becomes a mashed up mass of goo inside your head that makes you feel like nothing is worth it, but you've structured this well and it can maybe help you to figure out where you go from here.

I certainly related to a lot of what you said about feeling like a helpless child, and having no real friends. I'm sure others on here understand and relate to other bits too.

If there's one thing on that list you've written that you feel you can begin to tackle (even if you don't know how yet), make a mental note of it - even write about it on another thread here - and lets see if you can get a plan together of how to deal with it. If you don't know, ask us and whoever knows the answer, or can maybe offer some suggestions, will help. It won't all get better overnight, but you can start to chip away at some of it, and if you feel any of us can help, let us know

[Austere_Lemur]

Firstly I just have to say that posting a gigantic 'IGNORE' actually lures people in out of curiousity! - or it did in my case.

And I'm glad that I stumbled here.

It sounds as though you're at rock-bottom. I suppose the only solace to take from that is that things can't get any worse; so there's only one way which is up!

Don't go and live on the streets whatever you do! - It's not a means to an end and it won't solve anything. While those idiot counsellors the NHS carts you around to are a pack of jackals and wouldn't know social anxiety if it slapped them in the face; you do need to get better. Forget what they say about you being intelligent and having lots of stuff going for you etc and needing to do something with it - it's all true, but I guess it's their delivery of those statements that make it all sound condescending.

The whole point is that you deserve to get/be better. You are a worthwhile person.

This is also something that baffles me, and I didn't realise it until very recently when my GP (who happens to be very kind, unlike all the others I've had) told me that I'm a person and I have worth. That's the key, I think. You need to believe that you're worthwhile - that's the first step before you go anywhere.

Coming on here and talking was the right thing to do. I'm sorry that you don't feel as though you can share this stuff with others - but that's what we're here for.

You're not alone in your circumstances. My best friend is my mum! I only face social networking when I'm drunk - I think I need to be plastered to face the open world.

Anyways, this isn't about me.

It sounds as though you've lost a lot - like a job (I've never had one). But, hey, you've done it before which means you can do it again.

My dad keeps telling me that I need to come to terms with myself. I've never understood what that means, exactly, but I think I'd like to tell you that same phrase. Before getting your life back on track, you need to focus on things closer to home.

No one else can tell you how to live your life or what to do with it. I'm also sick of people telling me to get my life together - like it's as easy as flipping a switch.

I'm sorry that I can't be much help. All I can really suggest at this point is to speak up about your problems - talking with empathetic people really helps.

Good luck!

[Mina]

Lots of us see various types of therapists or counsellors before finding the right one, I had to stop seeing a counsellor who wanted to "tell" me what my problem was (homesickness apparently).

Voluntary work might help you, you would have a routine and maybe tire yourself out enough to sleep better at night, and you might get to do something creative.

It's never too late for uni. I went back at 27. The average age to start an NHS funded degree (no tuition fees!) is about age 29. And there's Open University to work on at home if you can't face the crowded classroom just yet.

Hope you feel better soon

[Reptillian]

Oh i'm sorry too but i just had to have a read. when i did my CBT and i was asked what i wanted out of it and why i was there i couldn't answer cos i didn't know how to answer, so was told to go away and think about it as there was no point being there, thought that was the idea of going was to sort out what was the issues. i have also been told that i would make a great case study for someone? as it take a minimum of 52 weeks to just scratch the surface! not sure quite what that means but didn't make me feel real good about myself. like i do already. the Psychiatrist told me there was nothing wrong with me and that it was all in my head! WTF.

so i would like to say thanks for posting this 'please ignore' thread but i have to agree with Mrs i love cats, in that it helps to just get it out, but it also helps others in what you write because some people maybe hurting but don't have the strength or will to write until they read something by someone else, so without realising you have helped others as well, which is the great things about this site, so thanks again.

and the living on the streets is a really great idea on paper or in the summer, but in reallity it's not the best choice you could make it's even lonelier out there because you really do become invisible! and you probably wouldn't have your friend who lets you post gigantic threads for people to read. spent 3 yrs and wouldn't do it again, no matter how lost i ever wanted to become again. take care and remeber we're all here for the same reason.

[Belinda]

Some posts have been removed.

[pheys]

I didn't read it because seemed like you didn't want me to.
but I say chin up, we are here to help

[nohope]

Your therapist sounded uncaring, like most, always asking how do you feel about it, how do you want to change, ect,ect. Well CBT did nothing for me except make me feel worse, useless. If they can't help or understand they should just say so, and not give us false hope. You have done well to write it all down and get it off your chest. Just remember your not the only one, we are all here, and I think we are strong to be able to cope like we do.

[Reptillian]

Originally Posted by nohope

Your therapist sounded uncaring, like most, always asking how do you feel about it, how do you want to change, ect,ect. Well CBT did nothing for me except make me feel worse, useless. If they can't help or understand they should just say so, and not give us false hope. You have done well to write it all down and get it off your chest. Just remember your not the only one, we are all here, and I think we are strong to be able to cope like we do.

I agree with this, we are all strong, even when we are made to feel weak and pathetic either by ourselves or those around us, and the reason for this is the way we actually cope with the trauma of daily life. some cope easier than others, some days we're up others we're down but we all cope, whether that is by choice or avoidance, we've all got to where we are because, as much as we don't like what is wrong with us we have learnt to some extent to understand our SA and deal with it. this inturn gives us a mucher better insight into life itself and makes us all for far more interesting and compassionate caring people than those that have never suffered.

yes we can all read a book and become a so called expert pass an exam to say we're qualified, but if you have no compassion in your soul you will never be a good therapist.

[Lifflin]

I understand what youre going through mate. Telling you that it will get better is not going to help is it, but have a tiny bit of faith and one day your fortunes will change. Hang in there!

I am a support worker and know the way people with severe depression and pessimism can be. There is nothing selfish about it, if youre feel that alone and isolated then what else are you supposed to feel? Dont be so hard on yourself, youre better than that i promise you. I know the feeling you have through my own experience too. It was not long ago that i had no income and no one to be open with. I went through the steps that you have. It was the darkest period of my life and it felt like it was never going to end. The only positive in that era was that i knew it would make the better times all the more sweeter . I hope you find the compassion from people that you deserve, because it is horrible to hear others who are as alone as i've known. You cant expect anything from anyone in this society . I'm always here if you need to rant to anyone if it helps!