Comfort zones are a good thing

[Sunrise]

Originally Posted by Scurrilous Rumour

Look, if you want to stay in your comfort zone, no one is stopping you. But staying in your comfort zone isn't going to improve your social anxiety. That is the blunt truth, whether you like it or not.

Is this directed at me? I think you've got the wrong end of the stick if so. The whole point I was trying to make is that I'm not in my comfort zone. My entire life is spend doing things that make me feel very uncomfortable and I'm absolutely exhausted as a result. Every single day I'm out there forcing myself to do things I find incredibly challenging and I find it incredibly emotionally draining.

I think for people to really build confidence they need to be in environments which challenge them but are still comfortable for them. People should play to their strengths. I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. It's probably a much better approach than taking on far too much and constantly struggling to stay above water.

[Dougella]

^ Yes, also if you're not in a comfort zone already how can you go outside it! For some people actually finding a comfort zone is an important thing.

[Rocket Spud]

I think you'll have to ask Scurrilous Rumour to explain. I did write something but i've decided i don't want to get involved.

[Scurrilous Rumour]

Originally Posted by Sunrise

Is this directed at me?

No, not specifically at you. It was a general reply to a series of comments refusing to see any point in leaving comfort zones.

That is why I didn't quote anyone or indicate with arrows who I was responding to. It was a general comment of exasperation.

And as you said, Sunrise, you don't seem to have a comfort zone.

[Merry]

I don't think anyone mentioned refusing to leave their comfort zone? At least I didn't read that anywhere.
I think the thread was more looking into the advice that leaving your comfort zone is what you need to do to improve social anxiety, and for some people that doesn't work, not because they haven't tried it, but as Sunrise said, they aren't comfortable within themselves anywhere anyway, so you don't have a comfort zone to leave. Or, for whatever reasons, pushing yourself into difficult situations each day doesn't make those situations any more comfortable or enjoyable.

I'm sure the advice works for some people, which is great if it does, but I think it's good to discuss the limitations of this kind of advice if it doesn't work for some people too.

[Merry]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ Yes, also if you're not in a comfort zone already how can you go outside it! For some people actually finding a comfort zone is an important thing.

I agree, I can remember never feeling comfortable in myself and you can't build any kind of life from that kind of instability. You need to build from a feeling of security within yourself.

[Merry]

I was wondering about this topic, and wondered if, for people who do find regularly pushing out of your comfort zone helpful in reducing social anxiety, do you tend to suffer most strongly from anticipatory anxiety?
Because it seems like it's often an issue that people will begin to feel anxious around an event well before it, and avoid it and so it becomes a bigger issue over time, as you avoid more and more things.

My anxiety isn't worse before doing something, I do get some anxiety but it's quite mild and usually I can distract myself from it, and I don't have a long history of avoidance. I've always done a lot of different things in the vague hope I'll be ok once I start. I find that I turn up to things and then my anxiety increases hugely during my time there, and for some time afterwards, rather than being at it's worse before the event (whatever that might be) So I get worse over time pushing myself, rather than better.

[Jen.]

I thought "comfort zone" meant the situations and behaviours that don't lead to anxiety - an extreme pair of examples being watching television at home alone vs doing a presentation in front of a hundred people. It seems like people all have their own interpretation of what comfort zone means though. I increasingly think that with many people who have social anxiety there's probably something else going on (e.g. autism or even a personality disorder), whether or not that person is aware of it, where repeating activities in order to get used to them possibly won't make those things any more easy to navigate. It's probably why so many have found things like CBT unhelpful in the past.

[Marco]

^I agree with you, Jen. I have repeatedly exposed myself to situations outside what I consider to be my comfort zone and it never gets any easier for me. It's very frustrating and demoralising!

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by Jen.

I thought "comfort zone" meant the situations and behaviours that don't lead to anxiety - an extreme pair of examples being watching television at home alone vs doing a presentation in front of a hundred people. It seems like people all have their own interpretation of what comfort zone means though. I increasingly think that with many people who have social anxiety there's probably something else going on (e.g. autism or even a personality disorder), whether or not that person is aware of it, where repeating activities in order to get used to them possibly won't make those things any more easy to navigate. It's probably why so many have found things like CBT unhelpful in the past.

Yes I think you're right.

[biscuits]

Repeated exposure on its own is a bit like getting into a car and expecting to be able to figure out how to drive it, without learning the smaller steps to learn how to drive.

There can be layers of things to work on before being comfortable in some social situations. Most people can't cope with socialising with strangers and prefer people they're comfortable with. Having panic attacks and the physical symptoms of anxiety is going to make it very difficult to socialise with strangers. Sometimes we go into things with hope and we aren't quite ready or equipped and see that as a fail, and it confirms negative beliefs. It's really important to know and recognise that is happening.

Repeated exposure is important and I know in the past I've given up on things quite quickly because of panic attacks etc. so I decided to work on building up to be able to go into social situations and that is what helped me the most, learning about anxiety and how to manage it and that involves stepping out of your comfort zone to widen it. Now I can take part in far more things that I used to. I used to have selective mutism and now I can sort of somewhat-happily chat away to strangers.

Mindset is really important when learning how to live with anxiety as well.

It's easier to reflect on it with hindsight.

[Sunrise]

I think I'm probably in more of a "familiarity zone", where there are certain situations that I do on a regular basis that I still find stressful and overwhelming, but I've developed an amount of tolerance that allows me to function to a certain level. It's not raising my confidence or self-esteem, I feel like it's gradually eroding it.

I'm not sure I find talking to strangers any less easier than people I know. I probably fear judgement as much from people I know as much as strangers. My friends judge me all the time, most of them think I'm an absolute twat. I don't really feel safe and comfortable with them. I feel like my self-esteem has been destroyed by some of the things they've said to me, and because they're friends there's obviously more truth to the things they say, they're not just being nasty for the sake of it. If my friends don't even like me then I've not got much hope with strangers have I?

My job doesn't give me confidence and my friends don't give me confidence. Repeated exposure to it all is just gradually waring me down.

[Sunrise]

Both, probably. I have a lot of things I need to work on, they have a point really and I don't blame them for thinking that. I'm thankful that I have people who tolerate me enough to consider me a friend even if they do think I'm an absolute twat. I do realise the problem is mostly with me really.

[Percy]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/nz/b...mfort-zone?amp

[Counterpoint]

I had a problem with comfort zones today as I was going to meet up with a friend for a cold beer, but after I had committed via Whatsapp, only then did he say his mate was also with him. His mate I don't have anything in common with and I really much prefer 1-1s. He has done this on a number of occasions, and I never seem to learn the lesson to check beforehand if anyone else is coming. Even for my birthday in July, after his suggestion to meet, I drove to meet him at a pub, but there was a massive group of his friends there, he didn't tell me about this and on my birthday I was pretending to be happy and smile, but I wanted to burst into tears I felt so afraid and alone inside (pretty pathetic for a 44 year old man, but I felt such a failure, having no girlfriend, and this summer my brother got married and has just had a baby girl, so I'm struggling a lot, having to be there and happy for others). The weird thing with my friend is we met years ago at a social anxiety course. He just deals with it in a very different way to me, and I think he uses me to bare some of the social load of the events he feels obligated to do, but he never tells me in advance.

I beat myself up massively because it makes me feel that it is me who is really the selfish one, who is not willing to build bridges, make the effort, pull my weight and socialise. I continually fail to push myself outside my comfort zone. His friend runs businesses and knows a lot about IT, so perhaps I could get some advice about how to better make money, but nooooooooooooo, do I even try? No, I just make an excuse and cancel. Why does the SA person like me always say they prefer 1-1s? So I can be socially lazy and have my egoic need for approval and attention met by a 'safe' friend, having the same old conversations we always do? His mate he used to go out clubbing and doing dating approach challenges and they used to sleep around with a lot of women, and this is massively triggering for me as I find it difficult to relate with people who also have anxiety and their own issues but they express it in a very different way to me. I accept we are all different, but SA for me was not about drinking and taking drugs to cope when going out on the pull; SA for me was a very private and isolating thing, and alcohol just makes me even more withdrawn.

Sorry to gripe and I hope everybody is well.