#34
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Re: tell lies
I'm Spartacus
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#37
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Re: tell lies
I'm a talkative, intelligent, vibrant, happy person who everyone loves to be around, many hanging on my every word.
Women particularly have always been strangely drawn to me, often, Married Women will make shameless fools of themselves vying for my affections,.. my physique is phenomenally attractive to Women..and I can often attract large groups of Women who will follow me along the pavement whenever I venture out and about, casting many furtive glances my way.. much to the disgruntlement of their boyfriends and husbands who are left wondering "where did she go?"... |
#39
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Re: tell lies
When startled I emit a high pitched chittering sound which can render nearby geese dyslexic.
Using time-lapse photography I was the first person ever to film domestic wardrobes mating. My grandad was at The Somme but got bored and left early. |
#45
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Re: tell lies
A friend of my cousin's is a traffic cop in South Africa. Apparently he was on patrol one day on the highway outside of Jo'bourg when he came across a nasty accident in which a guy transporting human organs by motorbike crashed into a monkey that was on the road eating a banana. It was a right mess and there were bits of monkey all over the place plus the box on the back of the bike had broken open spilling its contents, a human brain, onto the road. Anyway, the cop checked the guy's vital signs and found he was dead so he phoned up the nearest hospital and asked if they were expecting a brain to be delivered. They said it would be no use now because it would start to go off once the air had got to it but that he might as well try popping it into the dead guy to see if that brought him round. Obviously the cop was a bit nervous about this as he'd never done anything like that before but they said not to worry as they'd talk him through the procedure over the phone, tell him what bits to connect up and that. Anyway, he was just finished popping the new brain in when the ambulance and police arrived, the medics checked the biker guy and said the operation had been successful and he'd be fine now. The cops in the car told our man that he might as well take the rest of the day off and they would tidy up, seeing as he'd done such a good job, so off he went. It was only when the other cops were scooping up all the bits off the road that they realised there were two human brains left and no sign of the monkey's brain but they kept quiet about in case the biker guy sued.
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#46
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Re: tell lies
I once broke my leg stage diving. Severity of said injury was so bad I had to stay in hospital for nearly two weeks. (Pssst, actually it was only one week).....
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#47
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Re: tell lies
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#48
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Re: tell lies
My great great grandfather Ethel Parts invented steam in 1829. Prior to this development water only became luke warm no matter how much heat was applied.
Parts failed to see the economic potential of his invention and it was left to lovable gap-toothed scouser James Watt to develop it into the steam engine. Watts' engine was in high demand across the country for pumping the atrocities out of music halls. A year later young Welsh goer George Stevenson nailed a steam engine to a horse-drawn bicycle and invented Thomas the Tank engine. The nation went wild. Ethel Parts was one of this country's greatesy unrecognised inventors, also being responsible for the creation of gingivitis and the undulating gusset sexophone. |
#50
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Re: tell lies
Quote:
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#51
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Re: tell lies
/me lie mode off
just wanna personally say thanks for all the wonderful work going on in this thread. its such a great read, and i didn't know there were quite so many very funny and imaginitive peeps on here just now |
#52
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Re: tell lies
My next-door-neighbour-but-one's nephew has a friend who registered with an employment agency and got a stint working for Ginsters, making pasties and that. Anyway on his first day he lost a finger in the meat mincing machine and he had to be taken to hospital to have a plaster stuck on the stump. It was only when he came out that he discovered it was company policy to turn off the machine immediately any foreign object entered the meat mush mix, but he had left it switched on as he hadn't been told about that. They paid him £10,000 to keep quiet about it.
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#53
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Re: tell lies
I went to school with a guy whose grandfather's barber's neighbour knew a guy who used to work for the MoD. Apparently Britain actually lost WWII but it was kept quiet as it was thought it would be bad for morale if the British public found out.
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#54
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Re: tell lies
This one time, I was cycling down to the shop to get some milk and this guy stopped me and said I was doing the fastest bike-riding he'd ever seen in his life and he was like the olympic cycling team captain or something and he asked if I would do their cycling for them, I was that good, but I had to get back as I'd left the oven on, with a lasagne in.
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#55
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Re: tell lies
My sisters husbands aunties budgies hairdresser was the assistant to the assistant make up artist on the film Titanic starring Kate Capstick and Leonardo Da Vinci.
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#56
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Re: tell lies
All winter my house has been heated by an old telegraph pole lowered carefully down the chimley by helicopter and left to slowly and gradually burn down...
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#58
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Re: tell lies
The scissor sisters are so called because they collect scissors.
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#59
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Re: tell lies
Quote:
Quote:
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#60
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Re: tell lies
I was polishing my door knob this one time when a car broke down right outside my house. The two fellas that were in it asked if they could use my phone to contact the AA (their mobile phones had broken down too) and, while they were waiting, I made them some sandwiches. Anyway, turns out it was Gordon Ramsay and Jamie Oliver and they said the sandwiches that I'd made were the nicest things they'd ever eaten in their lives and they asked if I could come and be in charge of all the cooking in their restaurants but I couldn't because I had a DVD due back at Blockbuster, it was Die Hard.
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