Borderline Personality Disorder

[wd40mk17.4]

All I can say, is that I experience the same. I hope it gets better for you.

[Ryjo]

I have a working diagnosis of F61X (mixed and other personality disorders), which has been described as dissociative and emotionally unstable (borderline).

1.) How does your BPD affect you?

It could be depression, or it could be the chronic loneliness associated with my social anxiety, but I do feel severely empty and lost a lot of the time, like I don***8217;t know who I am or what I want. Strangely, the closest I***8217;ve ever got to feeling real is when I was drinking all day, every day, sacrificing everything for the sake of booze. Being a pissed-up waste of space felt better than being absolutely nothing. I felt like a confirmed nobody and that made me feel like a somebody and, strangely, I appreciated it. I'm prone to angry outbursts, self-harm, binge drinking, and self-destructive impulsivity in general. A few examples: I took an overdose of co-codamol while arguing with a girlfriend over the phone, I had to be physically disarmed by the police after causing several hundred pounds worth of damage to my uncle's bungalow, and I once handed a shard from a broken mirror to an angry girlfriend and told her to stab me in the throat. It's safe to say that I'm very easily upset by other people, especially when I feel that they've rejected or criticised me. I have an unhealthy habit of thinking in extremes, something which I try to challenge but often to no avail. I'm an escapist, I struggle to maintain healthy relationships, become infatuated quickly, I'm holding grudges that are older than my adult teeth, and I ended the most serious relationship I've ever had because I was scared I was going to be betrayed and hurt.

2.) How was the process of getting diagnosed?

After a bit of counselling, numerous crises and a couple of hospitalisations, it was suggested that I was suffering from a personality disorder. At one point, they considered ASPD, but now they tend to lean toward EUPD (or BPD). In fact, personality disorder was hinted at when I was as young as 15 or 16 - they're just not keen on slapping such a title on someone so young. Now that I'm a bit older and as, evidentially, I don't seem to have grown out of these incredibly dysfunctional thought patterns and behaviours, they seem more certain that I have a PD.

3.) Have you told people IRL about it? How did they react?

To be honest, the only non-professional I've extensively spoken to about it is my mum. I'm not particularly open about my mental health IRL, and even if I was, I don't have many people to talk to about it.

4.) Have you found any useful ways of coping and managing symptoms?

I'm currently receiving DBT, and I've tried a bit of mindfulness. Recently, I feel like I'm coping slightly better. Keyword: slightly

[Clementine]

I could really do with someone to save me from myself.

[Shy1987]

I hate how judgmental people are about bpd. Thinking you must be dangerous if you have it I'm certainly not.

[A Whimsical Stranger]

Fear of abandonment is such a self fulfilling prophecy, it's almost funny.

[Sunrise]

Has anyone here with BPD managed to improve and live something at least resembling a normal life after years of instability? Be warned this may not be an easy read for some people.

I am 31 now and have only recently been diagnosed with BPD after years of being fobbed off and misdiagnosed but have displayed the symptoms since my teens. I won’t bore you with the details but my life has been a mess for a very long time. I’ve ruined so many things through my unstable and unpredictable behaviour, alienated so many different people, ruined my career prospects, ruined friendships and potential relationships etc etc. I don’t want this to look like a sob story as it’s my own stupid fault but I’m at a stage now where I’m close to losing everything.

Does anything actually work? They were supposed to be offering me DBT but I think they are reluctant due to my reputation as a difficult patient. I’m also male and think maybe that makes a difference as it is a diagnosis that is mostly given to women.

Although SA is, or rather was, a small part of my difficulties, there’s a lot more to it that that and I don’t really fit the typical SA meek and timid stereotype. Objectively I’m not a very nice person at all and it took me a long time to admit that I’m a demanding, argumentative, histrionic attention seeker who can immediately go from being needy and insecure to vain and pompous with no apparent trigger. I can be incredibly paranoid and are convinced people either hate me or are jealous of me. I don’t misinterpret situations through a lack of social skills, it’s like I deliberately do it because I want to either be loved or hated – there is no middle ground.

I hate what I am and this is a horrible way to live, but another part of me seems resistant to change because this is the only way I know how to live. I have identity issues and don’t feel like I have a set personality, instead I play a serious of different characters. I know I need help but I’m not sure where to start. I’ve been treated for anxiety in the past but it was no help whatsoever and I used to run rings around the IAPT CBT therapists they sent me too and leave them speechless.

I NEED to change, but after 15+ years of chronic instability and erratic behaviour I’m not sure what I need to do or how to do it. I don’t know what anything normal feels like. Has anyone here been in this situation and made any sort of progress? Whether I want to change or not is irrelevant, I need to as I’m at the last chance saloon now.

[Caboose]

^ I probably don't have any useful info apart from perhaps suggesting a book i got a while back that's helped a bit: https://smile.amazon.co.uk/gp/produc...?ie=UTF8&psc=1

How did you finally get an official diagnoses for BPD? I'm pretty sure I have BPD and a couple of people i saw last year did agree that i have at least some of the symptoms. I feel like i just don't explain myself very well so they dont get how bad i can get.

[Sunrise]

Originally Posted by Caboose

How did you finally get an official diagnoses for BPD? I'm pretty sure I have BPD and a couple of people i saw last year did agree that i have at least some of the symptoms. I feel like i just don't explain myself very well so they dont get how bad i can get.

A lot of perseverance and being brutally honest about certain unpleasant aspects of myself that I was always too ashamed to talk about. Luck probably played a part too bearing in mind I had been seeing various mental health types since I was 16 with mixed results and didn't get diagnosed till I was 30. It had been suggested a few years before but they seemed reluctant to label me with it, which is apparantly not uncommon.

Originally Posted by Thousandmiles

I am devastated and broken. Over the last couple of weeks a therapist I started seeing assessed me in 2 separate days and she strongly suspects BPD, I knew nothing about it, I argued I have no aggression whatsoever or impulsiveness, emotional outbursts and other acting out behaviour, no history of self harm, I don't ever remember raising my voice at anyone, she said there is a "quiet" type of BPD. I kept asking about AvPD and she said that I have adapted some avoidant behaviours, but in essence it is all about my self worth and fear of abandonment. I haven't slept much last night, I just cried and cried and I am so lost now I don't know how to move on or if I ever can.
In a way I feel positive that I have the name for it, sometimes it's half the battle to get an accurate assessment. I am generally very optimistic, but feel like I've just received the most devastating news ever.

I'm sorry you feel so upset. I was devastated when I was first diagnosed as I always thought it was such a horrible label. It's a heavily stigmatised and often misunderstood condition, even by some mental health experts. It felt like a death sentance at first, but it's not. At the end of the day it's just a label. I don't let it define who I am, and whilst it is definitely a part of who I am there is more to me than my mental illness. Obviously I can't comment on whether it's something you have or not but whatever it is, stay strong. You sound like a very optimistic and positive person and with that sort of attitude you can get through this. Take care.

[Quicksand]

Always thought have something more than the condition diagnosed with - bpd does seem to fit some of the traits. gp just poo-poos idea every time it's mentioned in a better spell. definitely do not find it easy engaging w people but beg to show more trust in the ones know now and hope more thoughtful of others-thats requiring harder work but it's beg to reap rewards into hopefully a more relaxed summer. Deep breathing...

[Sunrise]

Originally Posted by Thousandmiles

@ Sunrise, I don't know what else to suggest other than talk to a professional, is there any chance you can see a therapist privately? Even for a few sessions? You've been treated for anxiety, but not BPD? I would be happy to share the new things I learn, but our problems are very different and I wouldn't want to cause more harm, you say you NEED to change, maybe you can find the strength in you to become less of a "difficult patient" by having as open mind as you can and collaborate? Wish you all the best

Thanks for your response. I have an appointment with a psychologist in July where I am going to attempt to explain everything. I think the problem I've had in the past is that I am so unstable I don't think anyone has ever worked me out. I'm full of contradictions and confliction. I'm neither one thing nor the other. I'm a mess.

In my case I have a distorted self image, no stable sense of self, and very low self esteem that has led to complete and extreme avoidance of relationships.

You say we're very different but we definitely have this in common, very much so. I have serious issues getting close to people and completely avoid romantic relationships. I completely blank out any interest shown in me, and then get upset because I'm convinced nobody is interested because I'm so ugly and such a horrible person. I have a massive fear or rejection, but it's almost like I want to be rejected. I look for rejection that isn't there, and I get upset that people have rejected me when in reality they haven't, and I have subconsciously rejected them. This probably is different to you but I definitely have major issues getting close to people and avoid romantic relationships.

I go through phases of acting out and acting in. For a long time it was mostly inward, hence my previous sa issues. I'm not very sa anymore which is a positive in a way, but I was probably a nicer person to be around when all my neurosis and complexes were directed inward rather than outward. I've behaved terribly recently. It almost got me sacked, I've lost friends and I've lost the respect of friends and colleagues. Some days I don't want to leave the house as I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm not sure it's irrational or not as I must come across as a very sorry individual at times. That's why I need to change. I can't keep destroying everything as one day there will be nothing left.

[Sunrise]

How is therapy supposed to work when you can't form any sort of healthy relationship with anyone, including patient-therapist type relationships?

My previous attempts have all ended badly. Maybe something more specialist will be different. I found the IAPT one size fits all cbt did nothing. Like every type of relationship I've ever had with anyone it started great but ended horribly. One particular "exercise" backfired very badly and I got very angry and upset. If I think about it now it still annoys me. Both the people I saw I ended up arguing with and getting very wound up. I guess as I was only being treated for "anxiety" rather than bpd at the time it will be different if they offer me anything. I'm not sure they will though as I'm not considered a danger to myself or others.

I fear rejection and being hated, but I seem to go out of my way to act in such a way that I do end up being rejected and hated. I don't want to be like this but I seem unable to change no matter how much I want to, and all that does is make me even angrier at myself for being so pathetic.

I want there to be a happy ending but how do I reverse 15+ years of this? How do I erase my past? Everyone knows me as the mad one. I've been described as a trainwreck. I've had people warn there friends about me, saying I'm undateable etc. I'm ashamed and horrified at what I've become. I wish they could just ship me off to dignitas.

[Sunrise]

My appointment is next Thursday.

There are times when I don't want to leave the house at the moment. I hate going to work now as I've become a laughing stock due to my erratic behaviour. I've become everything I feared. I live in quite a small community where everyone seems to know each other and I've got a reputation now as the local oddball. I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself and I don't know how to escape this. If I magically became normal overnight I'll still be the local loony. I wish I was a shy person who just needed a confidence boost and to meet more people, but these aren't irrational, avoident fears. This is who I actually am. This is how people see me. I'm someone who wants to be loved but I'm repulsive. I feared becoming a monster so much it's what I became. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore but I want to completely erase who I am now and become something else. The thought of self-acceptance disgusts me and I refuse to accept who I am right now. I don't know who I want to be but I do know this isn't it.

[Sunrise]

I fight this every single day with every ounce of my being and have done for a very long time, but after years of failure it's only recently I've realised I've been doing it all wrong and I feel so stupid. I used to think throwing myself into situations I found uncomfortable would make things better but it didn't, it just led to me feeling even more overwhelmed by my intense emotions.

I've ruined so many opportunities and lost so many amazing people thanks to my own stupidity. I've wasted years of my life. I thought I was doing the right thing, I made myself physically ill at times trying to do what I thought was right when in reality I was making it worse and that is a sickening thought. The advise from previous therapists didn't help but I don't blame them. I'm confused that it took them so long to work me out but I don't know, it's all a mess. I've lost the best years of my life to this. I could have turned my life around round years ago and I thought I was doing but I wasn't, I was making it worse. I made the same mistakes over and over again. I really hope they can do something. I don't want to be a lost cause. I want to make the best out of what I do have left.

[Rockysocks]

I seem to always end up in ‘toxic’ situations. What if I am the toxic one?

[newbs16]

^ It sounds like you've been struggling recently with it all. I hope you get some support from your gp. Did cbt help last time?

[newbs16]

^ Wishing you the best of luck with it all.

[hocuspocus]

this is interesting. I read someone saying people get over diagnosed with it and I think he is right. I was in a mental health hospital and they diagnosed me with bpd. I think some things relate to me but I still think it's just depression... My social worker told me that they only diagnosed me with it as they don't usually accept people with depression in hospitals.
confusing...

[A Whimsical Stranger]

I think I need help. I'm sick of needing help. I'm sick. I need help.

[newbs16]

^ I hope you get some support from others

[Jam]

^^ What's up?

[Consolida]

^^^ I hope you find the support and help that you need A Whimsical Stranger x

[A Whimsical Stranger]

Originally Posted by Jam

^^ What's up?

I just can't cope with things like normal people can. It's embarrassing and shameful and I hate what I've become.

Thank you Newbs and Consolida.

[Jam]

Originally Posted by A Whimsical Stranger

I just can't cope with things like normal people can. It's embarrassing and shameful and I hate what I've become.

Thank you Newbs and Consolida.

I know what you're saying. I agree with what Change said. Look after yourself.

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by hocuspocus

this is interesting. I read someone saying people get over diagnosed with it and I think he is right. I was in a mental health hospital and they diagnosed me with bpd. I think some things relate to me but I still think it's just depression... My social worker told me that they only diagnosed me with it as they don't usually accept people with depression in hospitals.
confusing...

I think that this is often misdiagnosed. I have CPTSD from trauma and I’ve known some people with CPTSD who have been wrongly diagnosed with this.

Having said that it usually isn’t a “shameful” disorder, although some of the literature, mostly outdated, may paint it as such.

JMO.

[A Whimsical Stranger]

I'm actually getting help now. Looks like I'll be getting a professional diagnosis soon. I've been hiding it for so long, especially from my family. I've been so ashamed and I haven't shared it with anyone IRL apart from one person who is no longer a part of my life because of it.

It feels kind of strange.

[A Whimsical Stranger]

I've made an IRL female friend and I'm not used to it. I'm such an intense person that I often get carried away with 'friend feelings'. It's just another reason why I isolate myself socially as much as I can. I'm terrified.

[Merritt]

How did you go about getting a professional diagnosis, if you don't mind me asking? Every time I've been given help it's always been in a form that focuses on personality disorders, but no one's ever formally diagnosed me with anything beyond generic depression/anxiety. I've been told a lot that a strict diagnosis isn't essential, and I've learned to just stop expecting to be told anything concrete, but it's led me to have a bit of a complex about not having a 'real' problem that anyone's willing to diagnose, that I'm just sort of defective in a way that isn't treatable.

[Sunrise]

I think I might actually be the worst person in the world.

And I'm never sure if that's due to low self esteeem or rather due to me being a horrible, manipulative, attention seeking, chronically insecure, paranoid, bitter and just generally nasty piece of work.

[Sunrise]

I think I must have made progress. I don't think I'm the worst person in the world anymore, although I'm probably still in the top 20. I am still all those things but I'm probably better at recognising it than I used to be.

I'm not sure if I've made progress or if I've just come to some sort of acceptance. Since I started avoiding getting close to people I've got better. I can't handle the emotions involved. I'm lonely right now but I'm on more of an even keel. I genuinely feel getting close to someone is no longer an options anymore, which makes me feel very sad. I feel like the only way to stay sane is to avoid all that. I worry about meeting someone who I genuinely like because I know it will end in disaster. It's a weird feeling that I desperately want to be loved but also know that trying to find it would be a terrible idea.

I should probably just post in this thread as most of my issues are more BPD related than SA these days. Anxiety feels like more of a byproduct of it.

Shame that so many of the posters in this thread are no longer regulars. I hope they're all doing well.

[Sunrise]

No, I don't think it is sustainable. A part of me does think I'm making a huge mistake avoiding certain things, and the more I do it the more difficulties I'm going to face in the long term.

I feel like I'm going to lose whatever I do. What I want is to go back in time and sort it all out whilst I was young. I feel like I'm at the point now where I've made too many mistakes and there's no coming back from them. Maybe I had some sort of potential once a long time ago but I've spent too many years as an absolute trainwreck.