How do you make friends when you are older?

[SS1]

I don't know how to make friends! Or actually what I mean is - I am too scared to make the first move - I am generally friendly with a lot of people now but I am scared to actually suggest doing something together - like going to the cinema or something - help! Does anyone have any advice?

[challangerchris]

What about people who live near you on this site?

I find it always easier to ask people if they eould like to do something online.

Where do you live?

[IAMNC]

I have the same trouble. I get on with people at work ok but making the next step is really difficult especially as most of them are in their early twenties.

[Generation Erm]

short of going to the mind drop in centre i really don't know what do it neither. i have this image of it full of young ppl though.
i like ur movies IAMNC.

[IAMNC]

Thanks Drifty

[SS1]

I am going to talk this through with my counselor - thanks for your comments

[Winnie57]

I don't know how to make friends either but it doesn't seem to be a big issue with me now. I have people who I can confide in if I need to and social life just doesn't bother me any more most of the time but I could always go to a meet or something now and again. This would probably change if my son ever leaves home though and I imagine this is the case for you SS1 - that you no longer have anyone at home for company. Forgive me if I am wrong

[whitepetal]

Personally i wouldnt a lot of socialy confident people just dont understand sa and wouldnt want to i assume unless someone very close to them suffered from it.

[whitepetal]

Opps lol my reply was meant for another post???? sorryx

[Harry Batt]

Originally Posted by SS1

I don't know how to make friends! Or actually what I mean is - I am too scared to make the first move - I am generally friendly with a lot of people now but I am scared to actually suggest doing something together - like going to the cinema or something - help! Does anyone have any advice?

Ok, what I would do is say something like this

"I'm going to see that new film (inser film name here) on (insert your day off here), you can come along if you like. I'll get the tickets, you can get the popcorn"

If it's a girl you are asking then simply add on the end in a playfull manner "providing your going to keep your hands to yourself "

This way if they say "Sorry I can't" or whatever then you don't really loose face as you are allready going anyway. See

[Gaz_w]

this is my biggest problem, and it's crippling me.

I seem to be likeable to my work colleagues so go out with them every now and then when they ask. But cos I don't always go half of them think I'm not interested. I actually prefer work days cos I get to speak to people, lol. this weekend hasn't been too bad, a friend came around last night for an hour or so and then today I went round the local shopping area just to be around other people, then a mate called me and invited me around. Last weekend I sat here alone wishing I could just speak to someone.

I've spoke to my therapist about this but we've not really come up with any solutions yet. I think maybe joining some sort of club might be the way ahead, but I worry i'd end up with someone like me, lol.

[яemus]

What bothers me is that when you seek to make freinds online (leading to real life) on so called freinds sites, people just want relationships/sex. I'm older and just want to make real freinds without any sex/relationship coming into it, I have no interest in that sort of thing. In the last few years I only have made one real freind this way, I've contacted lots of people who either want to rip you off , want marraige for a visa or want no strings sex.

[Sandyjw]

Originally Posted by Quiet bloke with cow

The Meetup.com groups in your area might have something ***1103;emus.

I would second that about meet up groups as I am hoping to go to a meet up next Sunday in Chichester. I did go to the Portsmouth meet up group last year but I wasn't so keen on that so I am going to give this group a try and hope that this one works out.

[Cookie-Monster]

The worst thing for me is the prospect of rejection. I know intellectually that's its merely a matter of personal taste whether a person likes you or not. But I still find it really hard to stomach rejection. It pretty much destroys me.

[Cell21]

Originally Posted by SS1

I don't know how to make friends! Or actually what I mean is - I am too scared to make the first move - I am generally friendly with a lot of people now but I am scared to actually suggest doing something together - like going to the cinema or something - help! Does anyone have any advice?

Yep, I'm free all next week. Where are we going?

See? That's one way to do it. I'll take a chance on ya.

How old is older, or maybe you'd rather not say? Making friends as one gets old is harder, simply because people separate out, get married, stay in more. become boring - or all those things. There are less opportunities. I think that in turn can sometimes make asking seem a bit, I don't know - stilted?

Harry Batt has the best approach (sorry if anyone else's is better, but I'm just skimming through this :rolleyes. And the meet-ups at least give one a chance to meet new people.

@***1103;emus: I'll be your real friend if you pass on the contact details for these "no strings sex." people. Actually 'just friends' is the primary interest I have in meeting anyone new. Although I never rule anything out.

@magika: I'd gladly go dog walking with you. No it's not a euphemism! But you're a bit far away I'm afraid. Love dogs. You must have some interest surely? You're not just being mean on yourself are you? "we had a meal together and had a walk in tesco and we just didnt click.", is a fantastic line. I hope I don't sound cruel, but it is funny. (Don't hit me, please? )

[sjsuk]

Originally Posted by SS1

I don't know how to make friends! Or actually what I mean is - I am too scared to make the first move - ?

I have the same issue, but I do not have any friends. I guess theres one person I could go for a drink with, who I've known since school, but no one else.

I tried the facebook thing, and it never amounts to anything,
either people want to meet right away, and I get scared off, or no one seems interested cos im too old, or cos im married, or cos ive got children.

Even penpals and email pals i've found dont bother to write back after my 1st email. god knows whats going on.

I have no idea where to look or what to do. Even if I find someone I know I wont be able to maintain the friendship.

Hmph.

[Snowdrop73]

I'm being more honest about what I want out of a friendship. So in that respect it's harder to make friends because I'm not willing to put up with crap ones!

I've found just a handful of really great friends during my 36 years. Sadly I've lost one or two of them and the others live too far away to see regularly. So I'm currently pretty lonely!

Having a good friend around can really make so much difference to my self confidence and feeling of worth. But without friends I don't have the confidence to make friends.... vicious cycle!!!

What am I doing about it? Just focusing on activities that I enjoy and trying to find ways of doing them with other people. I've discovered that joining groups just to make friends makes me feel a bit desperate and lacking in enthusiasm for the thing the group is doing.

[x-Claire-x]

I dont know how either, so cant be much help, but wanted to say I do understand.
Ive not made any friends since leaving college and im 31 now! Even through my kids Ive not made other "mummy" friends as I never really dared to do the whole toddler group scene. Oh dear me lol

Im pretty fine with saying hello to people, and the odd chit chat in passing like, but taking things further to actualy build a friendship, like "lets meet up for a cuppa" terrifies me, so I dont! I think its the pressure of having to sit with someone and keep the conversation going. Any silences I assume are my fault and I start freaking out.

I battlle with myself constantly on this, cos I really want to make friends, and have some people around me, yet Im so scared to do it, or do something new, that I just hide away at home instead.

[karl-32]

join clubs , activity groups


line dancing
computer class
sports clubs
part time college
cookery school
paintball
yoga groups
church!

thats how its done

[sjsuk]

Originally Posted by karl-31

join clubs , activity groups


line dancing
computer class
sports clubs
part time college
cookery school
paintball
yoga groups
church!

thats how its done

Scary.

[sjsuk]

Originally Posted by x-Claire-x

I dont know how either, so cant be much help, but wanted to say I do understand.
Ive not made any friends since leaving college and im 31 now! Even through my kids Ive not made other "mummy" friends as I never really dared to do the whole toddler group scene. Oh dear me lol

Im pretty fine with saying hello to people, and the odd chit chat in passing like, but taking things further to actualy build a friendship, like "lets meet up for a cuppa" terrifies me, so I dont! I think its the pressure of having to sit with someone and keep the conversation going. Any silences I assume are my fault and I start freaking out.

I battlle with myself constantly on this, cos I really want to make friends, and have some people around me, yet Im so scared to do it, or do something new, that I just hide away at home instead.

Yeah...could of written this post myself!

[brakesgirl]

I joined a British Sign Language class and from the first lesson people just ignored me and sit at the opposite end of the room to me. It's been like this ever since. They say hello to the others but not me.

I mean, I haven't even said anything, done anything, nothing to offend and deliberately sat without my arms folded so I didn't show closed body langauge.

I just give up.

I'm sure the rest of you will be able to make some avenues in making friends so good luck at all!

[Eklipse]

I've gone to places designed for people to meet others. They already know each other and they seem extrovert and outgoing. I'm quiet and shy. Then I end up feeling paranoid there after a while, worried in case they're talking negatively about me. I get the impression they think I'm not worth knowing. When I get to that stage I realise there's no point in going there anymore. I try and start fresh by going somewhere new but it's the ability to make friends. I don't know how I'm supposed to get others to like the real me.

[Cognitive_Dissonance]

Originally Posted by RoseKisses

I've gone to places designed for people to meet others. They already know each other and they seem extrovert and outgoing. I'm quiet and shy. Then I end up feeling paranoid there after a while, worried in case they're talking negatively about me. I get the impression they think I'm not worth knowing. When I get to that stage I realise there's no point in going there anymore. I try and start fresh by going somewhere new but it's the ability to make friends. I don't know how I'm supposed to get others to like the real me.

I can totally relate to this post. I do know of a few groups that I could go to though the nearest is about 15 miles away and even used to be involved with similar groups in the past when I had more confidence. For months now I keep procrastinating about whether or not I should go but imagine that I'll be the least interesting person there and just sit there watching everyone else laughing and having a good time.

There have been so many meets I could have gone to but I feel that either nobody would make the first move (which I find very hard to do) or I'd end up making friends with someone who turned out to be manipulative (which has happened many times before maybe because some people sense that I'm easy going). Even if I got into a conversation with a woman I liked I'd worry that they'd dislike me if they found out that I don't work and my other issues. As you say it's the ability to make friends which is something I've not felt I've had for years.