Struggle with eye contact

[The Chosen One]

Ive really struggled with this most of my life, though im trying to get better at it, im just uncomfortbable looking at people.

Has anyone else got the same problem? Have you had any honest feedback from people? e.g. does it make them uncomfortable that you cant look at them?

I realised its so important these days for doing well at an interview, impressing a date, that you have to at least maintain eye contact, but its just not easy. IT never has been, and probably never will. The worst is walking along the street with people approaching - i dont know what to do.

Maybe this is the reason why I have struggled to make friends everywhere I go (apart from possibly my current workplace, but more aquantances). Going to 2 unis did me nothing

[nessa456]

I struggle with eye contact in certain situations ie when among people I don't know. I fear negative eye contact so often prefer to avoid it all together when out in public.

On the other hand sometimes I get caught up in a situation and can have a staring match with another person and I know this is no good either.

As an autistic person I know that I have problems with knowing when to cut off from overtly affecting stimuli eg from the eye contact, so that it's either too quickly or not soon enough and comes across as unnatural.

[VeryQuietGuy]

I'am terrible with eye contact..I can be feeling quite confident then someone looks or stares at me and that's it all confidence gone!

[nessa456]

I often reason it out if the eyes are in fact the 'windows of the soul', there's a hell of a lot of completely soulless people walking about who have no sensitivity whatsoever and for whom being aggressive and antagonistic are the norm. This is why eye contact holds no fear for them - they've got no sensitivity/finer feelings to be affected!

Using this logic, the people who are bad with eye contact are probably more likely to be people who are worth knowing; the decent ones in other words.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by nessa456

I often reason it out if the eyes are in fact the 'windows of the soul', there's a hell of a lot of completely soulless people walking about who have no sensitivity whatsoever and for whom being aggressive and antagonistic are the norm. This is why eye contact holds no fear for them - they've got no sensitivity/finer feelings to be affected!

Using this logic, the people who are bad with eye contact are probably more likely to be people who are worth knowing; the decent ones in other words.

I unfortunately used to have quite (unconsciously) aggressive eye contact in my late teens and early twenties. Then I realised what was happening and tried to change it and messed it up even more so that I just come across as weird and shifty

I'm better now than I have been in the past but occasionally I get that look on someone's face that I'm speaking too of 'this guy's weird' and I know that something about my expression has triggered this and invariably I believe it's my eye contact. I forget to blink quite often. I find it hard to maintain eye contact and not freak people out. I think there are milliseconds between not enough eye contact, just the right amount and too much. It's a tight rope.

[Andrew]

Originally Posted by diplodocus

I unfortunately used to have quite (unconsciously) aggressive eye contact in my late teens and early twenties. Then I realised what was happening and tried to change it and messed it up even more so that I just come across as weird and shifty

I'm better now than I have been in the past but occasionally I get that look on someone's face that I'm speaking too of 'this guy's weird' and I know that something about my expression has triggered this and invariably I believe it's my eye contact. I forget to blink quite often. I find it hard to maintain eye contact and not freak people out. I think there are milliseconds between not enough eye contact, just the right amount and too much. It's a tight rope.

Your eye contact has always seemed perfectly normal whenever I've spoken to you D

I still struggle with this. I either don't look at people at all when I'm talking to them - especially on the rare occasions I talk at any length - or I look scared and my facial muscles must tense up (several people have told me that to my face). It's even worse when it's an unexpected situation, e.g. when someone pops into our office unannounced...

[Dandelion10]

Yeah, yesterday I went to ask about volunteer work and while the lady sat listing all the options I became more and more self-aware. I gave the usual perky 'Oh yes' and a considered 'Oh right, I see' but underneath-I felt insecure.

Then I started to look disinterested and worried that would creep her out and ruin my chances of becoming a volunteer. The eye contact does tend to get awkward when I start thinking about it. Just focus on what they say.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by Andrew

Your eye contact has always seemed perfectly normal whenever I've spoken to you D

I still struggle with this. I either don't look at people at all when I'm talking to them - especially on the rare occasions I talk at any length - or I look scared and my facial muscles must tense up (several people have told me that to my face). It's even worse when it's an unexpected situation, e.g. when someone pops into our office unannounced...

Thanks Andrew. I'm ok'ish in certain conditions. I tend not to have a problem talking to other SA'ers as I feel they'd be pretty unlikely to judge me negatively for it and alcohol helps

When I've spoken to you and you're relaxed you've seemed really normal but I think I remember once where you did seem a bit anxious and then later on you'd totally relaxed and seemed to be enjoying yourself

[nerdgirl]

Hi, I'm new *waves hello*

This is something I've been thinking alot about lately because I realise I do it alot..or not do it, if you know what I mean! Its mostly with people I don't know well (or at all) or if I'm uncomfortable.

For me, I think its to do with my lack of self esteem and confidence. I really want to change it but it seems to have become quite ingrained and an instinctive gesture. I guess the realisation is the first step. I've not had anyone comment on this but I do wonder what people think (which is part of my problem really...)

I'm not sure what the answer is really, I guess its being aware of it and taking little steps...

take it easy

[canwetalk?]

Like many others here, I've become really aware of eye contact.
It's one of the social norms that seems to show that you are trustworthy and interested in the person you are interacting with.

I've noticed that I don't make eye contact with people. I find it really difficult and intrusive, however, as it is customary to look at people you are talking to, I notice that I make people really uncomfortable by not doing it or I think I come across as bored or aloof, which is so far from the truth.

Over the past year, since I have become more self aware, I've noticed that if someone looks at me, especially if they are male, I look straight at the floor. . I agree, I think it is down to low self esteem, in my case it is anyway.

Maybe we could do a SA meet where we all stare at each other until we get used to it! Or then again...maybe not!!

[Ben1981]

Eye contact is still a major issue for me. I can never hold someones stare for more than a couple of seconds if at all. A couple of times in the past Ive been accused of things I didnt do because this issues been seen as having a guilty conscience. Wish I could get out of the habit but thats easier said than done.

[The Chosen One]

Has anyone (a randomer or a friend) given you feedback about eye contact at all?

[hardy]

This is a very common SA problem . There has actually been quite a bit of psychology research on this . it found that there is a wide range of "normal" eye contact . As long as you look occasionally its fine . if you dont look at all it apears shifty or fearful. If you look too long it can look flirty or even agressive! Eye contact is a part of body language mainly used to indicate that you are paying attention to whats being said. many people look away as they start to talk to show they dont want to be intteruptd. just look occasionally and that will apear natural. There is no "ideal" way to do it.