People telling you to change...

[Birdofprey]

Hey there
There is a friend of mine who is telling me that I should try to change my behaviour socially and try not to drink so much..I know she is right and that I'm a burden to her and others when I drink but I just can't stop feeling anxious among people I don't know so I drink to deal with the situation..I've been thinking that the only solution is not to go out again cause I know I can't stop drinking and I don't want to ruin everyone's good time..So what do you think I should do? Tell her I don't want her bringing strangers when we go out or just not go out again when I know there is going to be strangers there? We talked about it and she just told me that I should try to change...Meaning she is not going to make any sacrifices for me...well I don't think she has to but it annoys me..I'm I over-reacting?

[SoftlySpoken1]

Originally Posted by Birdofprey

Hey there
There is a friend of mine who is telling me that I should try to change my behaviour socially and try not to drink so much..I know she is right and that I'm a burden to her and others when I drink but I just can't stop feeling anxious among people I don't know so I drink to deal with the situation..I've been thinking that the only solution is not to go out again cause I know I can't stop drinking and I don't want to ruin everyone's good time..So what do you think I should do? Tell her I don't want her bringing strangers when we go out or just not go out again when I know there is going to be strangers there? We talked about it and she just told me that I should try to change...Meaning she is not going to make any sacrifices for me...well I don't think she has to but it annoys me..I'm I over-reacting?

When someone who cares about you is telling you to drink less - I think you ought to try and get help with it! Go and talk to your GP and tell them that you have to drink to deal with social situations - its upsetting your friends and you need some help with it. Well done to your friend - if she changed to suit you - she wouldn't be doing you any favours at all!

[Birdofprey]

Yeah I know she is right...I don't have a gp and I don't know what to do to deal with this..I just don't like strangers and can't stand being around them. The only solution I can see is to avoid situations like this..I do like going out with friends in certain places and situations..Is it so bad that I only feel right in my own terms?

[Mandarin]

I have sympathy for your position as I've been in much the same situation.

What has helped for me, is to look at the why I feel anxious around people I don't know. I've read a great book by Sam Obitz - Been there, done that, do this.

He highlights around ten things - typical mistakes that we make, that might trigger those feelings like:

Blowing things out of proportion - 'He/she said this, therefore that means I'm not good enough, they don't accept me etc.'

Only seeing the negative - 'Someone seemed unhappy with me, so the whole evening was a failure'

etc

By looking at these things first, and understanding them, you can start to work on improving the way you feel around people that you don't know. It is hard work, but it is worth the effort, to keep your friends, and to keep your health.

The ISBN is 0-9742595-3-5

Best of luck.

[SoftlySpoken1]

Originally Posted by Birdofprey

Is it so bad that I only feel right in my own terms?

Well, that is a good question - reading your original post I was concerned about you relying on getting drunk - and I presume it is quite drunk, if your friend is complaining - to cope with social situations.

Nothing is simple - and if you prefer to drop your friend or only see him/her on their own - then that is something that you have to agree between you. Alarm bells sound for me though when you say you'd rather avoid then learn to deal with the situation without the crutch of alcohol. That's because I know from my own experience that avoiding makes things worse.

Of course I don't know your friend, or the people your friend calls friends - if they are in fact absolutely horrendous people - then avoiding them may be the right thing to do.

Look in your own heart for the answer.

[Birdofprey]

Thanks for the replies

if they are in fact absolutely horrendous people

No I don't think they are horrendous people..I just don't like strangers:rolleyes: Plus no one shows any interest in me if he/she doesn't know me..so I end up looking at everyone else talking to each other and I'm being left alone to look at my glass...Maybe it's my fault but why do they talk to others they just met except me?

[Nikkos]

Originally Posted by Birdofprey

Hey there
There is a friend of mine who is telling me that I should try to change my behaviour socially and try not to drink so much..I know she is right and that I'm a burden to her and others when I drink but I just can't stop feeling anxious among people I don't know so I drink to deal with the situation..I've been thinking that the only solution is not to go out again cause I know I can't stop drinking and I don't want to ruin everyone's good time..So what do you think I should do? Tell her I don't want her bringing strangers when we go out or just not go out again when I know there is going to be strangers there? We talked about it and she just told me that I should try to change...Meaning she is not going to make any sacrifices for me...well I don't think she has to but it annoys me..I'm I over-reacting?

Shes got a good point and i've been where you are i used drink for years it didn't help in the long term but the short was fine. I would ask her to stop bring strangers as its causing you to drink to fit in if she doesn't understand then maybe shes not such a good friend after all.

But you need to find another way to cope i know its very hard and i have not really mastered it yet so i wont go trying to lecture you just want to say good luck.

[[MiffyKoala]]

i think why you feel people you dont know dont show any interest in you when talking etc.. it may be because you do what i do alot.. i tend to look at the floor or just sink into myself cos im so scared of talkin to new people... so it gives off a vibe that you dont want to be spoken to etc.... dosnt make you a bad person. just means you struggle with it.

[Birdofprey]

Thank you all for your replies I'll try to figure it out..