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  #1  
Old 12th February 2019, 06:11
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

After some thoughts on this. I wasn't tarred with the brush of beauty when I was born, I was a normal child I was a bit shy but nothing out of the ordinary, I had quite a few friends and was happy. Then came the teenage years, I started noticing girls, I also started noticing how they would show interest in certain guys and I was not one of them guys. Teens are hard as people don't hold back or hide feelings, I'm 38 but I still remember certain females making fun of my looks as a teen.

Then came the clubbing and chasing girls part of life. I saw how my friends would pull easily while I went home alone, this went on 3-4 years until my friends all married and settled down, but during this period my confidence and self-esteem eroded to zero. I never had these wild teen romances or flings.

When you're an ugly guy you don't get to pick, you take whoever picks you if you're lucky, I did meet someone eventually, I can't say I am physically attracted to her but she's a nice person and who am I to judge anyone.

I can't help but wonder what part all this played in social anxiety? I think it played a big part, crushed my self-esteem to the point where I was scared of people, obviously, this is no ones fault its just what life dealt me, I look at attractive people posting photos etc on Instagram etc and the comments they receive, such as Gorgeous, Stunning etc, imagine being told that all your life, rather than your self-esteem being in the gutter its bound to be through the roof, with self esteem comes confidence, with confidence the world really is your oyster.

Whats your thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 12th February 2019, 06:35
jez9999 jez9999 is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

I think if you found a partner somehow you're already ahead of quite a few guys.
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  #3  
Old 12th February 2019, 06:38
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jez9999
I think if you found a partner somehow you're already ahead of quite a few guys.
Very true. I jumped at the first person who would take me.
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  #4  
Old 12th February 2019, 07:51
Hazel Hazel is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Same story, but from a female perspective. I also have been together with people I wasn't attractived by, just so I could say I have a boyfriend. Non of those lasted. Now I am single since years, and I am not sure if it will ever chance.

Something else to keep in mind, all those selfies on social media are not a real reflection. People take 100s of pics to find the perfect one to post online.

And another point, don't be with someone who you don't really want to be with. It's not fair to the other person. How would you feel, finding out a girl pretended to like you just to be not alone.
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  #5  
Old 12th February 2019, 07:56
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazel
Same story, but from a female perspective. I also have been together with people I wasn't attractived by, just so I could say I have a boyfriend. Non of those lasted. Now I am single since years, and I am not sure if it will ever chance.

Something else to keep in mind, all those selfies on social media are not a real reflection. People take 100s of pics to find the perfect one to post online.

And another point, don't be with someone who you don't really want to be with. It's not fair to the other person. How would you feel, finding out a girl pretended to like you just to be not alone.
Neither of us would ever mention it but you just know weíre not physically attracted to each other, it works both ways. We are like best friends though and thatís a good thing.

I could post a hundred pics, you canít polish a turd though lol.
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  #6  
Old 12th February 2019, 08:10
Hazel Hazel is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dave81uk

I could post a hundred pics, you canít polish a turd though lol.
Disagree, look at models, some are "plain" in real life but stunning with the right light and make up.

Being attractive isn't set in stone. I bed there are lots of people who you think are attractive, but others think are not.

I agree with you, social anxiety is linked yo how we feel about ourselves. Body language tells a lot and you are being seen by others. If you look around at a party not everyone is beautiful/attractive (what ever you want to name it) but many of those are the life and soul of the party.
Being attractive is more than your appearance, I know easy said. How we look is the first other see and I certainly feel I am judged by this. Question is why? Do I judge people and make assumption about them without knowing them. I am trying not to. Just because you think you are ugly, does not mean the person opposite to you, will see you the same way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dave81uk
Neither of us would ever mention it but you just know weíre not physically attracted to each other.
This might apply for you, but you don't know what she is thinking.
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  #7  
Old 12th February 2019, 10:18
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Yes I know attractiveness is more than looks but sadly thats the first thing we judge people upon. I once put my picture up on rateme which just confirmed my suspicions, probably wasnt the best idea but it confirmed what I thought by random strangers.

Looks arent everything though, there is personality, charm, money but I;ve found SA kills most of them, its like a vicious circle.
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  #8  
Old 12th February 2019, 10:38
Valka Valka is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

To an extent I can understand how it can become a vicious circle as stated.

But from my personal experience, I'd not class myself as handsome or anything like that. I've had times when I've been single for years at a time. But yet all the times when I have been with someone, they have come to me with their feelings and in terms of attractiveness I'd say they have been way out of my 'league' if you will.

Taking pride in your appearance is a much bigger factor than I used to think it was that's for sure. Working with what you've got and all that.
Example being I'm tall, so I stopped walking around slouching and improved my posture. That was something I could do with one of my 'positive assets' and it helped my self confidence massively.
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  #9  
Old 12th February 2019, 13:03
Mr. Nobody Mr. Nobody is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

not linked, no,.. because there's loads of people who have it that wouldn't be classed as unattractive.
and there's loads of "plain-looking people" who don't suffer from any form of SA

I think there can be many reasons for SA, but primarily I'd say it can often stem from a negative form of unwanted or undesired attention.
either you supplying the attention or others,

for some reason,. often in teenage years, some negative aspect of your life can single you out, and can create an unhealthy form of negative self-awareness that impedes your actions.
for you, you say it was feeling unattractive, for others it can be something else that is deemed negative.
for me, it was many contributing things, but mainly, a speech impediment.

I'm sure other people will have other ideas on this.
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  #10  
Old 12th February 2019, 14:00
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

No I don't think SA and physical unattractiveness are linked at all.

You only have to take a look at the many photos that have been posted on this forum over the years to see that there are loads of very good looking men and women with SA who nonetheless have zero self confidence in themselves and struggle to find a partner and/or maintain a long lasting relationship.

Having a quiet kind of self confidence (not arrogance or cockiness) and a generally upbeat outlook on life are far more attractive attributes to have than classic good looks. Everywhere there are, what to you or I may be unattractive looking people, who are nevertheless in relationships with people who find them very attractive in every way and vice versa.

Also, as the old saying goes, beauty is most definitely in the eye of the beholder and although, according to you, lots of girls might not find you physically attractive there are others that on first impressions would. Then, there are the girls who may initially only see you as a friend but will develop a slow burning desire as they get to know you on a much deeper level.

I can't say physical good looks have ever been very important to me apart from when I was about 17 and wrote a story about meeting a tall, dark handsome French man! I think with age a lot of people naturally become less looks obsessed (and by that I certainly don't mean opting for anyone!)

I don't believe I have ever found anybody particularly physically attractive from the start and have only grown to 'fancy' them after I've fallen inlove with their personality. My husband is short, slightly plump and has a receding hair line (not like the man in my long ago story!) but after talking with him for hours over the phone it was his warm heart, openness and honesty that stood out. I did also happen to think he was gorgeous in every way when we finally met - a warm open smile works wonders. I imagine he may say something similar about me accept I have a little more hair!

All that said, Dave, I think if you really don't feel any physical attraction at all for your girlfriend then it would probably be fairer on both of you if you were just good friends. Unless you're 80, I do think it's important to have a physical spark for the person you are in a romantic relationship with otherwise, as you say, you are not really much more than friends. As important as good friends are it really doesn't compare to being with someone with whom you share some chemistry and I think in time you could start to feel very frustrated and unhappy and probably wishing you were with someone else. I think you both deserve to give yourself the opportunity to meet that special someone rather than just making do.

I have no idea what dating sites are like as I've never joined one but I get the impression from what people have said on this forum that a lot of the people on there can be pretty shallow when it comes to looks. I really wouldn't take to heart what these kind of people have 'rated' you as because they are certainly NOT at all representative of most females by a long shot.

I'm sorry I've not been very helpful. It's a pity Gregarious Introvert isn't around because I think he would have known what to say
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  #11  
Old 12th February 2019, 14:30
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

^^ I agree. There have been many people here over the years who would be classed as very attractive but either don't see that themselves or their level of attractiveness has nothing to do with their SA.

Equally lots of people who are just average in terms of looks have no problem getting dates or getting in to relationships. Attraction is about so much more than someone just being conventionally good looking, it's about physical chemistry, mannerisms, tone of voice, facial expressions, not to mention things like a similar sense of humour, similar interests,etc.

I also think that getting in to a relationship with someone you're not physically attracted to is likely to be a mistake in the long run, someone else will come along eventually who you do have a strong physical attraction to and how will you be able to sustain youtpr existing relationship then.
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  #12  
Old 12th February 2019, 14:52
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Thanks for the replies. So given the responses above it would seem itís more about confidence and self esteem than looks. It explains how the attractive folks on here canít find anyone, it also explains how the 50+ bloke we all know is married to the 30 something stunner as heís got the gift of the gab.

Is it really that wrong being with someone without physical attraction? Any more so than the 20 something gold digger married to her sugar daddy for money?

Iím 38, unattractive, zero confidence, zero self esteem and zero money, being realistic Iím not exactly a hot catch, the chances of me ever meeting anyone else are slim to none so why not take what I can get?
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  #13  
Old 12th February 2019, 15:02
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melangell
I think your girlfriend might be a bit sad to hear herself described as all you can get
Well I could have worded that better but you get what I am trying to put across
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  #14  
Old 12th February 2019, 15:02
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

^^^ Your girlfriend deserves more than being settled for, she deserves to be with someone who thinks that she is the only person he'd ever want to be with and thinks she's the most attractive girl in the world and tells her so. You deserve similar.
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  #15  
Old 12th February 2019, 15:47
mutedsoul mutedsoul is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Only sometimes, I've seen attractive people who struggle with SA.
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  #16  
Old 12th February 2019, 16:11
Gomen Gomen is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vasco Da Gama
not linked, no,.. because there's loads of people who have it that wouldn't be classed as unattractive.
and there's loads of "plain-looking people" who don't suffer from any form of SA

I think there can be many reasons for SA, but primarily I'd say it can often stem from a negative form of unwanted or undesired attention.
either you supplying the attention or others,

for some reason,. often in teenage years, some negative aspect of your life can single you out, and can create an unhealthy form of negative self-awareness that impedes your actions.
for you, you say it was feeling unattractive, for others it can be something else that is deemed negative.
for me, it was many contributing things, but mainly, a speech impediment.

I'm sure other people will have other ideas on this.
I agree with this post.
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  #17  
Old 12th February 2019, 18:35
Sisyphus Sisyphus is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Yes, in the sense that thinking you are unattractive may increase your social anxiety.

No, in the sense that social anxiety has little to do with what most people actually look like.

Any linkage is most likely through the mind.

ETA: And you can change your mind if you really, really, want to.
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  #18  
Old 12th February 2019, 19:19
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

It makes me more avoidant in a pessimistic way e.g. won't bother because I'm too fugly. And being avoidant makes my anxiety grow.
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  #19  
Old 12th February 2019, 19:47
BritishPeace BritishPeace is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

I think I if you are uglier then you are more likely to be socially anxious for sure, if you're good looking it's obvious you'll be more confident. But many socially anxious people THINK they are ugly when they are quite attractive
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  #20  
Old 12th February 2019, 20:40
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BritishPeace
I think I if you are uglier then you are more likely to be socially anxious for sure, if you're good looking it's obvious you'll be more confident. But many socially anxious people THINK they are ugly when they are quite attractive
I think whether you are or not is probably irrelevant if your self esteem is shit.
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  #21  
Old 12th February 2019, 20:48
BritishPeace BritishPeace is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Yeah but being ugly makes your self esteem shit, being good looking means you in general have a higher one
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  #22  
Old 12th February 2019, 20:51
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BritishPeace
Yeah but being ugly makes your self esteem shit, being good looking means you in general have a higher one
Well that was my thinking also.
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  #23  
Old 17th February 2019, 14:51
Staring at the Sea Staring at the Sea is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

I agree that social anxiety and attractiveness are linked but only in the sense that we make ourselves as unapproachable as possible.

I have seen some people who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down be surrounded by others and the life and soul of the party due to confidence. On the flip side there are very attractive people out there who struggle to find love or friendship due to alienating themselves due to anxiety.
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  #24  
Old 17th February 2019, 15:01
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Staring at the Sea
I agree that social anxiety and attractiveness are linked but only in the sense that we make ourselves as unapproachable as possible.

I have seen some people who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down be surrounded by others and the life and soul of the party due to confidence. On the flip side there are very attractive people out there who struggle to find love or friendship due to alienating themselves due to anxiety.
Then there are some of us, tarred with the ugly brush and zero confidence. But yeah confidence I think is the big thing here.
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  #25  
Old 17th February 2019, 15:12
Staring at the Sea Staring at the Sea is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dave81uk
Then there are some of us, tarred with the ugly brush and zero confidence. But yeah confidence I think is the big thing here.
Money and humour are attractive as well. Its the poor people with no sense of humour who are fugly with no confidence that struggle the most I guess
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  #26  
Old 17th February 2019, 15:21
dave81uk dave81uk is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Staring at the Sea
Money and humour are attractive as well. Its the poor people with no sense of humour who are fugly with no confidence that struggle the most I guess
Ha ha, that'll be me lol.
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  #27  
Old 17th February 2019, 18:58
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

I can certainly see how being ugly/bullied for it...can lower ones self esteem to the point of developing some sort of SA

I would know..coz it happened to me at school

Once I got past school and grew up I don't really know why I was bullied for my appearance. Am I attractive? no not at all but I'm not exactly walking down the street with mothers covering their childrens eyes fugly, If anything I'm just a bit mediocre..nothing really good or bad!

The damage was already done though, school wrecked my head, 16 years later and still remember a lot of crap vividly like it was last week...and I really don't know why except for the fact that majority of teenagers are utter...see you next tuesdays.
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  #28  
Old 17th February 2019, 19:21
limey123 limey123 is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

I regularly get nasty comments from total strangers about my appearance, which some people apparently think deviates from the acceptable standard. Many from teenagers, but also from older folks who ought to know better. Often I just overhear them, but on occasions they have blatantly and provocatively been made directly to my face.

These things don't help your self-image and confidence, that's certainly true. Whether they directly can or do cause SA, I don't know.

One thing I have learned is that perceived attractiveness is almost completely in the eye of the beholder: I have been described by different women as both "ugly" and "gorgeous", as well as "weird-looking"
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  #29  
Old 17th February 2019, 19:31
Staring at the Sea Staring at the Sea is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by limey123
I regularly get nasty comments from total strangers about my appearance, which some people apparently think deviates from the acceptable standard. Many from teenagers, but also from older folks who ought to know better. Often I just overhear them, but on occasions they have blatantly and provocatively been made directly to my face.

These things don't help your self-image and confidence, that's certainly true. Whether they directly can or do cause SA, I don't know.

One thing I have learned is that perceived attractiveness is almost completely in the eye of the beholder: I have been described by different women as both "ugly" and "gorgeous", as well as "weird-looking"
That is incredible. Its interesting isn't it that we see ourselves as having "problems" and yet we are for the most part respectful and kind to others and then those that we think are "normal" can be rude and arrogant. It makes you wonder who really has the problems.
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  #30  
Old 21st February 2019, 01:12
Bluebear Bluebear is offline
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Default Re: Do you think SA and unattractiveness are linked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Staring at the Sea
That is incredible. Its interesting isn't it that we see ourselves as having "problems" and yet we are for the most part respectful and kind to others and then those that we think are "normal" can be rude and arrogant. It makes you wonder who really has the problems.
I agree with this post.
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